Two months.  8 weeks.  60 days.  1440 hours.  86,400 minutes - that's all we have left together.  At least that's what they said.  I was scared every morning.  At night I fell asleep holding him in my arms.  He was afraid too.  He often asked me to hold his hand.  I saw fear in his eyes, but I also saw resignation, and I couldn't accept it.

No, this can't be real, not my friend, he's too young to die!  I couldn't accept it so easily.  I had read somewhere that it was best to let a dying person go, but the thought of it, the mere combination of the words "dying" and "First" together in one sentence, gave me chills.  I can't count how many times he fell asleep leaning against me, squeezing my hand, and only then did I allow myself a moment of weakness and silent crying.  I felt powerless and useless, unable to convince him.  Seeing how easily he gave up, how easily he gave up the fight, hurt terribly.  I wondered if the fact that First didn't have a family to worry about him might have had something to do with it.

When we came to his house that day, he didn't even have anyone to call to inform about his condition.  Only then did I realize how lonely he was.  For the last three weeks since then, only Off, Gun and Neo have visited him.  Maybe because only they knew.  First didn't want to keep it a secret from them but he also didn't say anything to others. He thought that it's his own pain and he doesn't want anyone else to worry about him. But... Did it occured to him that if one day he'll die for real, his fans and his friends would miss him so much? Did he even thought how tough it can be for everyone? He keeps saying that if they don't know, they are not scared, they're not worrying, they live happy life. But they will suffer! They will miss him! They will feel guilty that they didn't notice anything! I will...

— I'll be gone anyway. Don't lie to yourself.  And these three were the closest to me, I have to tell them —He stated, asking me to make it easier for him to meet them.  All three of them were filming scenes for their new series where Off and Gun were the main couple, so they came together and spent the whole day with us.  None of them showed any surprise that First was going to stay with me for the last few weeks.

— It's a good decision, you shouldn't be alone right now — Gun agreed. — We'll come to you as often as possible.

Good decision?  What about me?  Is it also a good decision for me that I will have to watch my friend, the man who helped me so many times, who always supported me and to whom I could tell everything, who understood me like no one else, day by day becomes  getting weaker?  Is it a good decision that I will have to look at it?  Did any of them think how much I wanted to climb to the top of some mountain and scream so long and loud until my throat was torn?  Were any of them even aware of how fucking helpless and useless I felt?  There was so little I could do: serve him a cup of tea, buy his favorite ice cream, watch the Formula 1 race with him, which we both loved so much.  It wasn't enough because I wanted to take his pain away from him, especially when he had nightmares at night or when he cried out in pain and became irritable and argumentative because the drugs wore off.

Doctors said that now every little infection became a threat.  First was very weak.  There were times when his nose would bleed even when he was just sitting quietly on the bed propped up on pillows and watching a race where there wasn't much going on, like the Monaco Grand Prix.  It was predicted that in the next few weeks the disease could take over the lungs, there would be difficulties in breathing, it would get worse.  It was very debilitating for both of us.  We stopped paying attention to what was going on around us, we didn't even know what day of the week it was, it didn't matter anymore.

I tried to do everything to prolong his life even if only for a few days or hours, but maybe it was selfish?  Maybe I was just causing him more pain that way?  Maybe I wanted to keep him next to me forever, no matter how hard it was for him?

I always had doubts.

Did the fact that I wanted to save him at all costs make me a bad person?  I didn't want him to get so tired, but I didn't want him to give up the fight either.  Is it wrong?

Annie came into our lives completely unexpectedly.  When Perth drove up to my house in his brand new Audi, I had no idea that my life was about to turn 180°.  Three people got out of the car.  I recognized Perth right away, we had known each other for a long time and had almost no secrets from each other.  He was always easy to get along with and never caused any problems, which is why I called him when First asked me to help him get in touch with Annie.  We heard a lot about her and we knew that she had recently started working on a new series in our country.  Apparently, the main media patron was Netflix itself, and the main sponsor was the AlphaTauri Formula 1 team.  When we found out about First's illness, we spent the first two days trying to understand why this was happening to us and trying to accept it.  I tried unsuccessfully to persuade First to undergo treatment.  He didn't listen to me, he wasn't convinced by any arguments.  That's why I considered the meeting with Perth and Annie as a last resort.  If they can't convince him, no one else will.  And time was inexorably moving forward and we were running out.

Annie asked us to leave and give her a moment to discuss something with First in private.  I agreed and quickly left the room.  I led our guests into the kitchen, which was in chaos.  The dirty dishes were in the sink because I hadn't had time to wash them.  First had spent the last week here, slept here, I tried to feed him here, showered here, but mostly spent his time watching Formula 1 races and BL series featuring our friends.  He only missed the ones he played in. He told me that he doesn't want to see himself knowing that he will never get the chance to play in series again. It was hurting him. Although he saw some positive sides of his acting career.

He said it was good that something would remain of him, some souvenir in the form of photos from the series in which he himself appeared.  I was sorry to hear that.  I wanted to look away, put my hands over my ears and not hear or see everything, but it was impossible... I already started to miss the old First who was my partner in "The Eclipse".  If his smile was my smile and his happiness mine, then his pain was mine too, I shared it with him, wishing there was only so much I could do.  He deserved a better fate, life had not spared him...

There was still a plate full of rice on the table, which I was trying to feed my friend before our guests arrived.  I rushed to clean everything up.

The last few days have been extremely tiring for both of us.  We both slept little.  Twice I took him for a drive aimlessly in the middle of the night because he claimed it helped him.  I didn't accept invitations to participate in any public events, so as not to leave him alone even for a moment.  First had been my friend for so long, I was worried about him.  Seeing him give up so easily hurt like hell.

— What are you going to do next? —  Perth asked me as I set the electric kettle to boil water for tea.

— I have no idea.  Honestly, I'm hoping Annie will convince him somehow — I replied without looking at them.  I took out three clean cups from the cupboard, Lewis Hamilton's purple, Fernando Alonso's blue, and Haas' white, each with a different Formula 1 team printed on it, and I thought it was funny that the two of us, such die-hard fans of the sport, didn't get  from the fate of the chance to star in a series sponsored by one of the F1 teams.  It's so funny that we both enjoyed it immensely.  We had already read the story that the show was going to be based on and even had ideas of who we could play.  Unfortunately, on the day of the casting, First felt very bad, which forced me to change direction: instead of going to the hotel for the audition, we went to the hospital.  I had a great deal of difficulty in persuading him to do all the tests.  His doctor, after the first results of the blood test, showed a lot of concern and referred him for further, more detailed diagnostics.  This worried me the most.  Very quickly we received a devastating diagnosis from Jimmy, our mutual friend who was also a doctor, an oncologist: acute myeloid leukemia.

— I don't want treatment — First protested while we were still in the hospital and our doctor gave us a few minutes to talk.  He left us alone in the corridor where a young woman was walking slowly, supported by a nurse.  Probably one of the patients.  But I didn't have time to look at it more closely, I was more focused on what I had just heard.

-— Why not?  There's a good chance it will help you.

— Not if it's a cancer recurrence  — He said, looking straight into my eyes.

— Cancer recurrence?  What are you talking about?

— I had it when I was a kid.  They cured it then, but they warned that one day the disease might come back, and after chemotherapy, if I've had it before, the chances of being cured are much lower than if it was the first attack. I'm not surprised at all. — It was as if he knew that one day he would hear those words.  I, on the other hand, was shaking all over and couldn't help but nervously play with my fingers.  It got to the point where I started biting my nails.

I wanted to hug him and reassure him that it would be okay, that the doctors would cure it, that they would find a way, but when I looked at him, he didn't look like someone who needed it.  He even smiled at me and patted my knee as if he was comforting me.

— First...

— Do not worry about me.  I figured it would happen someday.  And so I got an amazing opportunity and had a good life.  Now you need to focus on yourself.  There's still time to submit your application, I read that they close at midnight.

— Come on, you don't think I'm going to leave you at a time like this, do you? — I asked, tilting my head to give him a sidelong look.

— I guess you don't have a choice.

Those big damn dark eyes...!  I shouldn't give in to him so easily, I shouldn't go along with everything he wants so easily.  He didn't understand it, but it soon became clear how much he needed me.  And it was going to get worse as time went on.  I wasn't going to let him deal with this alone.  No matter how hopeless I felt, he deserved so much more.

—  Of course I have.  And I choose you.  I prefer to spend this time with you.  Besides, I already told you, you should agree to treatment.  You can never be sure how it will end.

— No, Khao.  I appreciate what you're doing for me, I appreciate that you want to help me, but you'll help me the most if you go to this audition.  We both dreamed about it, remember?  Do it for both of us.

— There is no way.  I'm not leaving you for a stupid audition for some equally stupid show!

Then we almost had a fight.  I was angry with him for trying to make decisions for me and not listening to me.

I couldn't believe it when Annie came out of his room and informed us that First had agreed to treatment.  What I couldn't achieve in several long weeks, she managed to do in just a few minutes.  How did she convince him?  I don't know and I don't even want to know.  Most importantly, there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel.  For a good half a minute I stood there like a pillar of salt with my mouth and eyes wide open, afraid to believe what I had just heard.  Just when I was about to accept the thought of losing my closest friend, fate put someone in my path who gave us a chance I never dreamed of.  Perth nudged me on the shoulder, snapping me out of my stupor and thought.  I wanted to fall at the feet of this Polish woman and thank her for everything.  It's not often you meet someone who will do something selflessly.

— Khao... We know you want the best for him, but what are you going to do now that he's agreed to treatment? —  Perth asked further.

— What can I do? —  I shrugged and spread my hands helplessly.  — I'll stay with him until the end.  I don't want him to go through this alone, he's my friend.

— More than just a friend, I guess —  Annie said.

— What?  W-what do you m-mean? —  I asked, suddenly losing my confidence.  Could it be that she saw something more between us?

—  You love him.

- Yes.  Because he's my friend. — I confirmed, not understanding why they were looking at me so strangely.  Annie frowned playfully.  Only Daria showed no interest.  Maybe it's better?  I couldn't explain to them what was really going on in my head.  I was confused, lost, and the last few days were really stressful, nervous.  I didn't sleep much, I was constantly worried.

— Not true.  Just look at you for a moment.  You love him the way I love Annie, you can't hide it — Perth said very confidently.  He glanced at Annie as if testing her reaction.  The phrase, though it sounded like a random one, was certainly not an accident, and Perth had thought it through.

— Wait, wait. —  Annie walked over to him, holding out her palm to him as if he was actually going somewhere and she wanted to stop him.  Only Perth was sitting in his seat across from Daria at the kitchen table.  — What did you just say? Did you admit that you love me romantically or did you want to confirm that Khao loves First as a brother?  I'm confused.

— Oh shit, I think we should talk — Perth got up from his chair, grabbed the woman's hand, and they walked outside.  I stayed inside with Daria, whom I asked about who she was and what she was doing here.

—  Oh!  You don't have to worry about it.  I'm Annie's friend and I came here from Poland to accompany her.  Pierre, the person behind the idea of ​​recording a series based on my friend's story, personally asked me to come, so here I am.

We chatted a bit for a while, but the conversation wasn't easy.  I was a little relieved when Annie announced, a few minutes earlier, that First had agreed to treatment.  It was the first step in the right direction.  Maybe it's not much, but for me it was something that gave me comfort and energy to keep fighting.  Out of curiosity, I asked about her country.  She said that it is now autumn in Poland, that the leaves on the trees have changed their colors to orange, yellow and red and have started to fall, that nature is slowly preparing for the coming of winter.  She showed me some photos on her phone.  The colorful deciduous trees really looked wonderful.

Annie and Perth didn't return until fifteen minutes later.  What they did for so long, I don't know and I prefer not to think about it, it's their private business.  But they weren't going to leave me alone.  Annie stubbornly returned to the subject of the feelings between me and First.

— Because you see, Khao, love is not just beautiful words, kisses and sex.  Love can be seen in small and larger gestures, in what you do, how much you sacrifice for the person you love.  You gave up an important opportunity that may never come again just to be there for him.  First told me that he sent your application to us, he really wanted you to participate in it, and do you know why?

— Because he wanted to get rid of me?

— No, stupid — Suddenly, as if from the ground, the First appeared right next to me.  Somehow he found the strength to get himself out of bed, stop feeling sorry for himself, and join us in the kitchen.  He stood behind me, and I turned to face him as soon as I heard his voice, which sent me crashing into his arms.  — I did it because I wanted you to take this chance.  I did it for you.  Annie is right, I should have told you a long time ago, but I was afraid that if you didn't return my feelings and you would get mad at me and disappear from my life, I didn't want to lose you.

— We'll leave you, you two need to talk —Perth said tactfully, and he and the two young women retreated to the yard to get into the car and drive off a minute later.

— Wait, did you just call me stupid? — I asked, pretending to be offended, although I couldn't really be angry with him, he was too loving, cute, funny, and maybe too hurt for me to be really angry with him.

— No, stupid, I just admitted that I love you — First smiled.  It was still a weak smile, his skin was still incredibly pale, but there was a hint of the old glow in his eyes, which gave me hope that maybe we could win the fight against this disease after all.  I didn't get what he was saying right away. 

I just replied with a nod.  I shivered as his cold hand touched my cheek.

— I know you probably don't feel the same way about me — He said, saving me from having to say something what I didn't wanted to say just yet.  He brushed some strands away from my forehead with a gentle, loving gesture that was damn nice. — But please, let me love you.  I don't know if I'll recover, but if you're my reason to fight, I won't be defeated that easily.  Please.  I really don't expect you to love me the same.

— Ok.

— Thank you.  I'd like to kiss you right now but I know you don't want to, I'm sick and disgusting right now and you don't feel the same way about me.

— You called me stupid, and you're no better yourself.  First, we already kissed! We kissed do many times!

— I know, yeah, but... But it was for the show!  Now is different.

— Maybe just a little.  As for being disgusting... I've been taking care of you for a week, collecting and washing your underwear, helping you change, washing your body when you have a fever, and you really think you can be disgusting to me?  I'm used to it.  Anyway, look at me, don't I look hideous too?

He looked me up and down, ran his hand through my hair, which was clearly in need of a good care, including the application of conditioner.

— Oh!  In fact, you have kind of greasy hair.  I think we should both take a bath.  Will you help me?

—  Always.

— Thank you — He kissed me on the cheek without hesitation this time.  I had to admit that it was even pleasant.  I walked him to the bathroom and came back for a change of clean clothes.  I was shorter than him, so some clothes were too small for him, so I had to be careful what I took off the shelves.

I felt strange looking at his naked body as he sat in a large tub that we could both fit in.  I'd seen him naked so many times before, but it never occurred to me that he might be physically attracted to me.  It seemed impossible, he was my friend.  I turned my back on him, unable to make any other move.  I stood there like a pillar of salt clutching my hands as hard as I could, rummaging the clothes I had brought for us to change.

— Khao?  What's with you?

— N-nothing — I whispered, stuttering.  This has never happened to me!  I was usually very composed and calm, few things, situations or people could throw me off balance.  He was the exception.  I took everything easy and didn't care about anything, including what other people thought of me, because I knew that whatever I did, I couldn't please everyone.

— I can see and hear — First didn't give up.  I reluctantly turned to him and let our eyes meet.

Can you force someone to love you?  Certainly not, but you can make that someone awaken feelings that have always been there and that he has pushed away from himself. Just looking into his eyes made me realize, that this love was always there and it was love. It was the reason why I enjoyed so much all the scenes we had together. It was the reason, why I wanted to save him, I wanted him to live long and happy life with me. Just now I imagined us growing old together, spending time on the beach, surrounded by our friends and maybe our kids or grandkids? Why did it pop in my head just right now? Why didn't I think about it earlier?

I walked closer to First and told him that he has to fight, because I'm sure that something beautiful is awaiting for him.

— Don't give up just yet. This one last time. I promise you, that if it will be too much for you, I'll help you every way possible. Just don't leave me alone, because I might die of loneliness and longing.

— Ok, khun Stupid.

— Ok, khun Smart, khab — I answered, making his hair wet. He smiled to me.

„This fight just begins — I thought — And I won't let us lose“.