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I still blame myself, you know? How I just let all the signs pass me so easily. Me never given the chance to show how I truly felt. How it slip from my hands so easily. How it was in her words, and I missed it, just like that. How could I just let it get away from my reach like that. How I planned to finally show her how much she truly ment to me. How I regret my dear. I regret it bad.

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Some say 'No one cares until it's too late'

I guess you can say that is true. Because I didn't realize all my mistakes until it was too late to say anything. I was horrible and how I wished I changed sooner instead when it was too late. I did drugs never having much money to support Anelaya after her father left. Got into prostitution to get money that all went to drugs and alcohol .

The hurt was all in Anelaya eyes and I didn't mind to care. With me leaning on the counter with a cigarette in my right hand, and me wearing a wrinkled silk nightgown and my black hair all messed up from the night before. As Anelaya looked at me after looking in the empty refrigerator.

"Again mom? All towards the drugs and alcohol? How did you fall down so low?!"

Those words are the ones I'll never forget. How they ring in my ears every now and then. It's the same question I ask myself. How did I fall so low? How did I become such a horrible mother to my daughter.

Diary Of Anelaya:

My mother spent all her money towards drugs and alcohol again. Another morning of hunger. Another day getting more used to it. I heardly got any sleep from the other night as usual. I spent my time awake with me stuck in my thoughts eating me alive. It was another night of cutting and burning.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting seeing her this way also. I wished she just comfort me like used to when I was a child. I want her to realize I still need my mother.

The only person there for me is Asher, he understands my depression. He also wishes me to stop cutting and burning, but it isn't that simple.

(Day 2) Asher had me make a deal with him to stop cutting and burning along with him to stop. I guess as his girlfriend I should at least try. Oh yea, he asked me out today on October 30th. I guess a good thing happened today until I got home to see my mom with some other guy at our house.

How did you fall so lowly mother?

~Anelaya

-Imperfections.