Chapter 15

I was dreaming about pumpkin pie; the best scent in the world and my all-time favorite Christmas treat. I was back home with my family and my brother, his wife and his kids were there. Monte was there too and everyone was happy; even my dad—he was sitting in the living room with Damion talking about business things and I was in the kitchen with my mom, watching her bake a pumpkin pie especially for me. 

I loved Christmas with my family. I loved how happy it made everyone and how everything tasted amazing no matter who made it. I especially loved how beautiful and bright everything was.

I couldn't help but smile as mom pulled the pie out of the oven. She was wearing her favorite apron; the one with the yellow frills at the bottom that I used to play with when I was a kid. She set the pie down on the counter before me and touched a finger to the tip of my nose.

Her hand smelled like fresh roses. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then wrinkled my nose when it started to itch. I reached up to rub the itch away and I heard a deep chuckle. When I opened my eyes and blinked twice, Damion came into focus. He was kneeling on the floor beside me with his elbows propped up on the bed as he twirled a single red rose in his hand.

I felt a slight pang in my chest when I realized my mom wasn't actually there, but the feeling cleared completely when I realized Damion was grinning down at me. His hair was damp; from a shower I guessed. He smelled like hotel soap and flowers. I shifted closer to him and sniffed and he chuckled.

I liked the way he was smiling even with his eyes; it was different from how he usually smiled (which was rare anyway). I wondered what had happened to the shadows that I usually saw in them. I wondered why he suddenly looked freer; like all his troubles had disappeared and there was nothing else left to do but to be happy.

I wondered if this new change was because it was Christmas—everyone was happy at Christmas time. I reached up to touch the side of his face and he raised a brow like he was amused or something. I blushed and he caught my hand before I could pull away and wrapped my fingers around the stem of the rose—he had taken off all the thorns.

I sat up and sniffed it. I always did like the smell of roses. Sometimes I would go into the flower shop down the street from where me and Monte lived just to smell them. This was the very first time someone had given me one for my very own though. It was just too bad it wouldn't last forever—neither would the rose.

I looked back at him and smiled. I never dreamed that one day I would have a big handsome man kneeling by my bedside with a rose and a smile just for me. It was the best thing I'd ever woken up to in my life and I couldn't wait to tell Monte all about it.

"Merry Christmas."

I blushed when he spoke. His voice sounded especially deep and sexy this morning. It made me feel things.

"I was dreaming about pumpkin pie." I told him and thought it was cute when he titled his head slightly to the side.

"Really now? I never knew you liked pumpkin pie."

I nodded. "My mom used to make it for me at Christmas. We used to sit in the kitchen and eat it even before breakfast. Monte bakes it for me at Christmas too but it doesn't taste like my mom's." I told him. "It's one of my favorite Christmas memories."

"I see." He said, like he was thinking real hard about it.

"What's your favorite Christmas memory?"

He smiled that new smile that I loved and my whole body got warm. "When we were kids Donny and I used to spend all Christmas day watching hallmark movies and eating ice-cream."

Suddenly his eyes didn't look so happy anymore so I changed the subject. "How come you got a rose? I didn't see any outside."

He shrugged—something he never did. "I may have borrowed it from one of the floral arrangements in the lobby. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find a mistletoe in this place."

I laughed "Well I love roses."

"I figured you would."

"How come?"

"Just a feeling." He tilted his head to the bedroom door "Come on, I ordered breakfast."

I watched him stand and I slipped out of bed. I loved how his eyes ran all over my body when I did. I set the rose carefully on the night stand and I could feel still feel him watching me as I walked to the bathroom.

I loved the way he made me feel sometimes; like I was irresistible or something. I showered quickly and look at my face in the mirror for a really long time after I'd brushed my teeth; trying to convince myself to be strong since it was our last day of pretending.

I picked up my rose on the way out of the room and was surprised to see that he'd spread out our food on the coffee table. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa and flipping through the channels.

I sat down beside him and he finally picked a channel and dropped the remote on the carpet beside him; hallmark.

I felt my chest ache; did this mean he wanted to make memories with me too? But I shook my head at my ridiculousness, placed the rose on the sofa and took the mug he offered me. He'd ordered so many different things; lots of pastries, pancakes, eggs, bacon. There was even cereal.

Except for the soft sounds coming from the TV, we ate in silence and it felt good. It was a morning I would remember forever.

........................................

It was just about an hour after breakfast when he gave me my first gift. I hadn't even expected anything. I was so surprised by it that I could only stare for a second. He'd wrapped it in the prettiest gift paper; I almost felt bad when it tore even though I'd been trying extra hard not to. I would still keep a strip of it anyway; just so I could remember it all.

The box was pretty heavy and I couldn't even begin to imagine what was in it. Damion didn't complain that I was taking too long to open it either; he just sat back and watched; a slight smile on his face.

He only interrupted to cut the tape off the box after I asked him to pass the knife. When I finally got it open I was pretty sure my mouth was wide open when I looked at him.

"This is for me?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"But...how did you know?"

"You asked Monte to borrow hers remember?"

I nodded. "Yeah and she said Leo had it."

I'd been surprised a lot today. No, my life had been full of surprises since the night I'd met him in the bar. It felt like such a long time ago already.

I pulled the camera carefully from the casing. It was heavy and very expensive looking. It was like something a professional would use; it even came with a bunch of different lenses. It looked almost exactly like the camera I'd seen in the hotel gift shop the day before.

"Wait, is this the one we saw? The one from yesterday?" I asked and he nodded. "but I didn't think you'd even noticed I was looking at it." Then I gasped "This is really expensive Damion."

"It's Christmas." Was all he said and pulled off the last piece of protective wrapping that covered it.

It would take a while before I understood how to properly use gear like this but it could be a fun hobby. I could already picture Sundays with me and Monte playing around with it. We could get cool shots at the park and everything and it even came with one of those tripod stand things that I'd seen in videos on the internet.

"But when did you even get the chance to buy it? We were together all day yesterday and the gift store's not open today...is it?"

Damion shrugged. I was really starting to love this new casual side of him. "It's not that difficult to convince people to help you out when it's Christmas."

"Wow." He was just amazing. I couldn't have pulled off something like that. He was just one of those people; he walked into a room and people wanted to make him happy.

I leaned over and wrapped my hands around his neck. "Thank you so much. I'll take the best care of it. I won't drop it or anything. I promise."

For a second it felt as if he was frozen, then slowly, he moved his arms and hugged me back. I loved the feeling of being in his arms.

"You're welcome." He whispered against my neck and I shivered against him.

I pulled away, biting my lip. It felt kind of ridiculous now to give him my gift when he'd gone and spent so much on mine, but if I didn't give him anything at all I bet it would be even worse.

"I'll be right back." I told him and ran to my travel bag in the bedroom. I dug through it until I found the canister; it was the only part of the gift that I'd bought and it had cost me almost half my savings because you didn't get a rich person something cheap.

I liked the quality. I'd searched long and hard to find it and at the time I'd been happy with it, but now, when I thought about the expensive camera sitting in the other room, it started to look cheap to me. I sighed and stood.

I didn't look at him as he opened it but he'd taken it with a smile.

"Cam these are...amazing." I heard his hushed whisper and I looked around. He was looking through the paintings I'd done for him. There were five in all. "You did this?" he asked, looking away from the paintings long enough to look at me.

His eyes didn't look like the eyes of a person who was only trying to be polite. He looked like he might actually truly like them. I nodded and he looked back at them.

"Your talent is extraordinary Cam." He was looking at the one I'd painted of Happy in the pool; half his body was under water so all you could see was a part of his back and his cute little head. I'd made sure all my paintings were as detailed as possible. I'd wanted them to be perfect, but even that had been extra hard to do since I'd spent a lot of time with Damion over the last few days. I'd had to steal little moments to do the one with happy.

I watched him set it aside carefully and we both looked at the second one—it was the one I'd painted of him in his study at home. He was sitting behind his desk with a bunch of papers in front of him with his pen hovering over one of the pages. It was one of my favorites that I'd ever done because his expression was so real.

One night I'd woken up to an empty bed and I'd gone downstairs and found him in the study. Seeing him sitting there was a moment I hadn't been able to get out of my head, so I had painted it awhile back. The painting showed how frustrated he'd been as he stared down at his papers. I'd planned to keep it just so I could remember that moment, but now that I watched him staring down at it like it was the most interesting thing it the room, I was glad I'd added it in with everything else.

I picked up the camera and uncapped the lens. I was quiet as I pushed in the memory card and turned on the camera. The quality was beautiful. I pointed the camera at him and snapped a picture.

He didn't even realize.

The next picture was also one of my favorites. It was him in the bar the first time I'd met him and he'd been sitting on a stool behind the bar. I painted the exact moment he'd looked around and saw me. The look in his eyes wasn't something I would ever forget.

He ran his hand slowly over it, then carefully put it with the others. He smiled when he got to the one I'd painted with him and Donny. I'd painted it from my perspective in the back seat of Donny's car, so you could see the two seats and half of both their faces as they looked at each other grinning. I figured he'd love that one the best.

"This is amazing Cam." He said again and I blushed, then blushed even more when he set it aside and saw the last one.

It was embarrassing to look at. I'd painted it back when I thought he would keep me. I'd painted it like a traditional family portrait. There was Damion standing with his hands on my shoulder and Happy in my hands. We were both smiling, even though his smile still had the shadows in them. I felt foolish now as I looked at it, but Damion didn't say anything; he just looked at it for a really long time.

I snapped another picture, this time he looked up and realized what I was doing. He smiled. "You're amazing, do you know that?"

I felt my face go hot and I shook my head. "Well you are." He told me quietly, then leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

...............................

We spent a good chunk of the rest of the morning on the couch watching TV. He let me lie down against him, but of course I made sure I didn't accidentally touch his injury. I'd had to charge the camera because it hadn't come fully charged, but when it was all charged up I'd played around with it a little. I got to take a bunch of pictures of Damion and he didn't get annoyed or anything. There was even one of him making a silly face; I was going to print that one.

I took pictures of the rose at different angles after I put it in a glass of water and then I went on the balcony for a minute to take pictures of the sky and the snow on the ground, but I'd gone out there without shoes and in just my PJ's so Damion told me to come inside.

The camera was amazing though. It made me feel like a real artist. I couldn't wait until I really figured out how to use it. I called Monte to wish her a Merry Christmas and she seemed pretty happy. She said she was going to spend the day with Leo since he came back from wherever he went, then I'd checked my brother's Facebook page for pictures of what he and my parents were up to, but he hadn't posted anything yet.

Damion ordered a small pizza for me for lunch and a pasta dish for himself. When he fell asleep on the couch a little while after, I took a picture of him sleeping, then pulled on some clothes and wrote him a note telling him I would be downstairs taking pictures in the lobby.

I made sure to bring the keycard with me so I didn't disturb him when I got back up. The hallway was empty and so was the elevator. I saw one other person on my way to the lobby and it was a hotel worker. I wondered if maybe we were the only guests here on Christmas, but I remembered seeing a lot of people the night before.

I took pictures of the flowers I saw down there and I would have gone outside to take even cooler pictures, but it looked really cold out there and I didn't wear any warm clothes, so I took pictures of the giant chandelier and the art on the walls and then one of the workers posed for a picture without me asking; she was nice.

There was Christmas music playing and I saw an old couple sitting in one of the sofa's in front of the massive Christmas tree. I took a picture of them from behind so they wouldn't see, then I took a picture of the tree by itself, but it came out kind of blurry so I tried again.

It was way better than Monte's camera; hers was small and it didn't have lens that could come off so I bet she would love this one and I wouldn't let Leo borrow it; no matter what.

I was just about to pass the hotel restaurant on my way back to the room when I saw him; James. He was sitting around a table by himself. He had a mug on the table in front of him and he was looking out the window. I would have left anyway but he looked so lonely sitting there and I felt bad.

When I walked in, one of the workers stopped me to ask something, but I shook my head and walked towards James. He looked up when I stopped in front of his table and he smiled.

"Cam." he said. "I didn't expect to see you down here. Is Damion with you?" he looked around.

"No." then; "Merry Christmas."

He smiled a lot with his eyes I noticed. "Merry Christmas."

"How come you're here all alone? Don't you want to spend Christmas with your family?"

He gestured to the chair across from him, so I sat down only for a little while.

"I have a sister, but she's away on vacation with her family. I didn't want to intrude."

"What about the rest of your family?"

He smiled again but he didn't answer, instead he asked "What about your family? Didn't you want to spend the holidays with them?"

"I love Damion." I told him once and for all.

He paused for a second. "I see."

"And I don't want to have to be with anybody else. I just want it to be me and Damion."

He nodded. "I think I got your message loud and clear." He said, but he didn't look angry or anything; he just looked normal. "Nice camera."

I looked down at it and nodded. "Damion gave it to me for Christmas." I told him, then I stood up. "I'm gonna go back up now."

"You're good for him." He said and I stopped for a second and watched him "I hope it all works out."

"You do?"

"I do." He said, and I smiled back at him before I turned to leave.

James was nice.

.........................................

I slipped the keycard into the slot and pushed open the door to our suite, then closed it back behind me. Damion wasn't on the couch where I left him. I could hear him talking to somewhere in the bedroom. I left the camera on the counter and went to check on him, but something made me stop when I got to the open door and I peered in to see Damion sitting on the ground with his laptop on the floor in front of him. He was turned away from me and I could see that he was on a video call.

I turned to give him some privacy, but his next words made me freeze.

"I can't be the one to make this decision Paul. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Please... I can't..."

His voice was shaking. It sounded just like mine did whenever I was trying not to cry.

I slid down to the floor just around the corner where he wouldn't see me and wrapped my arms around my legs.

There was a long pause, then I heard Paul sigh. "I don't know what to tell you Damion."

"Would it be so bad if I just let it go on?" he asked, "Just this once, why can't I be selfish? Why can't I have exactly what I want, consequences be damned? Just this once can I just stop worrying about what's right?"

"You of all people deserve to be happy Damion...but not at Cam's expense. He's the one person who doesn't deserve that, so no, you can't be selfish; not with him."

I heard Damion take a long shaky breath, but he said nothing and when I peeked around the corner, his head was down. "So I have to let him go." He whispered and I could feel my chest tighten.

"All he wants is for you to love him."

"You know I can't."

"Why can't you? Why are you always running away from every chance you have to—"

"I'm not running, I'm just not capable." He interrupted.

"Bullshit. You don't even give yourself the chance. Maybe all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility of loving him and you could make this work."

He was shaking his head. "I can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I mean I can't dammit!" he shouted and slammed his hand against the laptop. For a second, I thought he'd broken it, but Paul was still on the screen and he was watching him. I wished I could see Damion's face, but I thought if I did I would probably cry and he didn't need that right now.

"You know what I think?" Paul asked, but Damion said nothing. "I think you're already in love with him. You've just spent your whole life trying to avoid it that you can't even recognize it now that it's happened to you."

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I felt Damion must be able to hear it. I rubbed the blurriness from my eyes and peered around into the room. I couldn't believe what Paul was saying. I needed to hear what Damion would say. I felt like I would just split in two sitting there.

It was a long time before he responded and when he did, I shut my eyes tight hoping to prevent any tears. "I'm not." His voice was quiet. "I don't love anyone and I never will."

"Then it seems you have a choice to make."

"I promised him a perfect day today. He wants us to pretend we're happy."

"Where is he now?"

"Downstairs in the lobby; taking pictures." Damion told him and Paul nodded.

"Then you should go clean yourself up. Don't let him see you like this. Give him his day and tomorrow you can cut him loose."

"I don't think I'll be able to stand to watch him with someone else Paul. I thought I could but..."

"Doing the right thing isn't always easy."

"I promised I would train him. Maybe I could just—"

"Now you're just searching for excuses."

It was a long time before either of them said anything and when one did, it was Paul. "Look, why don't you just take the weekend to decide. You said you're taking him to his appointment on Monday? Well take him home tomorrow and don't contact him again until then." Paul suggested. "Use that time to think about this. Forget about what I said and what Donny said. You're the one in this situation so think about what's best for you and what's best for Cam and keep in mind that you've made him happy.

Despite everything that has happened in his life; he's genuinely happy and who knows; maybe this is better than the alternative; or maybe it isn't, but you owe it to him and to yourself to give it some real thought." Paul said. " You never make a decision without considering every angle so do that."

Damion nodded. "Alright."

"And whatever you decide, I've got your back, you know that."

"Yeah." He replied; his voice sounded hoarse. "Thanks man."

My legs were shaking when I got up, but I had to hurry up and leave before he got up. I didn't want him to know I'd been listening. I grabbed my camera and the keycard off the table where I left it and slipped back outside. Out in the hall I took a deep breath.

Today really was the last day we had left together. He was going to do what Paul said and once he made his decision, Monday would probably be the very last day I saw him again. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I didn't want him to do whatever the right thing was. I didn't care if he didn't love me back, I just wanted to stay with him. Why couldn't I just stay with him? Why did it have to be so hard?

I leaned against the wall and tried to take deep breaths; no more crying; especially not now when Damion was hurting. He had sounded so stressed out and it even sounded like he wanted us to stay together, but at the same time he didn't.

I wished it could be simple. What would I go back to after Monday? I loved him too much to deal with him leaving and never seeing him again. And what about Happy? Would I never be allowed to see Happy again either? What if he missed me? What if he thought I was abandoning him?

I wiped my runny nose against my sleeve, but I didn't let the tears fall. Today had been so perfect; the happiest day of my life. Damion woke me up with a rose and everything; just like a real boyfriend would and he smiled with his eyes all day. He didn't even look at his phone or anything; it was just a day for me and him and it had been perfect.

Why did it feel like someone had died? Was this how it felt to get your heart broken? Or was this what it meant to be in love? I wiped the corner of my eyes with the tail of my shirt. I didn't want this if it was going to hurt him. I didn't like seeing him that way.

I took two deep breaths. For the first time in my life I was going to be brave. We were going to enjoy the rest of our perfect day, where I could pretend he was my boyfriend and we could pretend everything was the way it was supposed to be, but after today, he was going to make his decision and I wouldn't try to change his mind. As long as Damion was happy then what did anything else matter?

I pushed the key card into the slot and entered the suite. "Damion?" I called out this time and I heard him answer from the other room.

When I got there he was in the bathroom washing his face. I stood in the bathroom doorway and watched him as he dried his face with the towel. "Got any good pictures?" he asked, but I noticed how he wouldn't look at me when he asked and he brushed past me on his way out the door. I followed.

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?" I asked him and he finally glanced back at me with a smile; the shadows in his eyes were back.

"Of course."

"Your eyes are red." I told him and sat at the stool and watched him pull open the fridge and take out a beer.

"Probably because I'm so tired."

I nodded slowly and turned in my seat to watch him walk to the couch and sit. For a while he just drank his beer real quiet like and I just watched him doing it.

"What's wrong Cam?" he finally asked, and I swallowed hard and shook my head when he looked me in the eyes.

"Come here."

I got up and went over to him and he set down his drink and pulled me down into his lap. I put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"I don't like seeing you sad."

"Who says I'm sad?"

"I know you are."

I spun the top button of his shirt between my fingers and waited for him to deny it, but he didn't say anything.

"You didn't say goodbye to Donny yesterday." I said. "Not really."

He shifted slightly forward and picked up his beer again. "We had a disagreement."

"Are you ever going to talk to him again?"

"Of course Cam... sometimes we argue. That's what brothers do."

"Monte says we should never go to sleep angry."

He swallowed some of his beer. "Well Monte's a smart woman."

I nodded.

"You don't have to worry about me." He said. "I'm fine."

"I just want you to be happy...no matter what okay?"

He paused. "Where is this coming from Cam?"

"This is our last day and I loved it more than anything. No one's ever made me this happy before in my whole life. I'm never going to forget it." I told him. "I want you to know what it feels like to be this happy too, okay? So when tomorrow comes it doesn't matter that you don't want to keep me and it doesn't matter if you don't really love me, I'll be happy if you're happy cause you're the best person I ever met."

He didn't say anything, so I continued.

"I think you're the most honest person I ever met too."

He was shaking his head. "It's true. You're nothing like Leo; he's the worst, but Monte thinks he's the best person in the world. She thinks he's perfect, but he's not; you are."

"Cam—"

"It's true. At least you always tell me the truth. At least I know you don't love me so I don't have to wonder, but Leo doesn't love Monte and he lets her think he does and she doesn't even know."

"Then why don't you tell her?"

I shook my head. "She's happy and it's been a really long time since she's been happy."

"Don't you think she deserves to know the truth?"

"Not from me."

"But as her friend, don't you think you should do what's best for her?"

"Monte's the only person who will know what's best for herself, not me and not anyone else; just her."

He didn't say anything for such a long time that I raised my head to look at him.

"It's your decision." He said finally.

"Nothing's ever really my decision." I told him truthfully and placed my head back on his shoulder.

There wasn't much more talking after that.

................................................................

Our flight left early the next morning. I got the window seat again and I spent most of the flight looking out the window. I wondered when I'd ever get the chance to fly in a plane again. I took some pictures just in case. Beside me, Damion was busy doing work. This morning it was back to reality and even though I didn't like it, I didn't complain.

It was crazy how different everything felt today. I was beginning to wonder if yesterday was a dream. It had been so perfect; now Damion's smile was gone again and by Monday he would tell me his decision and it would be the very last day I ever saw him again.

So far I was doing a good job at being brave, but when I got back to my apartment, I would lock my bedroom door and write in my journal. Monte didn't have to know everything that happened. I wanted to hurt with it by myself so I could be strong like Damion.

I didn't have an appetite on the flight back but, Damion made me eat; it was just too bad I couldn't enjoy it like I did the first time. For most of the flight I looked through the pictures I'd taken and sketched in my book. Sometimes Damion would lean over to watch me shade and sometimes he'd just watch me.

"Damion?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I can still see Happy sometimes even if this doesn't work out?"

I didn't know how to interpret his expression when I asked; he just looked at me weird and I was sure the answer would be no, but a long while later he said; "He's yours if you want him." And that was it. He turned back to his laptop and he didn't say much else.

The problem was, I didn't want Happy to feel like either of us was abandoning him, but the more I thought about it the quicker I realized that if it had to be one or the other, then Happy should stay with Damion. At least I had Monte; I wouldn't be lonely. Happy could keep him company.

He held my hand when we walked through the airport. I liked how it felt to walk with him like this. The weather here was so different from in Chicago, it was like walking into a furnace, but at the same time it was good to be back home. I knew this place; I couldn't get lost here. Things made more sense here. It didn't take long to find his car in the parking garage and I sat in the front seat while he loaded our bags into the trunk.

"Seatbelt." He said as soon as he got in, but we didn't move right away. He switched on the AC and we just sat there in silence for a while. I wasn't sure how to feel, but then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a medium-sized square box and handed it to me.

I looked at it and then at him in confusion, then very slowly, I opened it and gasped.

It was the most beautiful gold bracelet I'd ever seen. "It has my name on it." I whispered and ran my finger over the engraving

"I made my decision." He said and I glanced at him. "I'm going to be selfish."

As my eyes widened in surprise, Damion started the engine and we pulled out of the lot. 

                                                              AUTHOR'S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.