A/N: This is the silliest one shot I've ever done.

"We fucked up," Hazel and Adam trudged out and mumbled simultaneously.

Connie eyed them suspiciously. "What'd you do? Where's Anna?"

"Pissed beyond belief." Adam collapsed onto the floor and ran a hand over his face. "Probably going to leave us forever."

Anna stormed through with keys and a bag, glancing over her shoulder. "I never said that. Another example of how you guys DONT LISTEN TO ME!"

She slammed the door on the way out and Hazel winced. "Ohhhh boy. We're so, so fucked."

Alex raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Didn't know she had it in her. So what did you two dumbasses do to make her that mad?"

Hazel sat next to Adam, resting his head in his hands. "We wanted Anna to get married."

Jasmin facepalmed. "Please. If there's a God, don't let this go the way I think it did."

Jacob rubbed at her back. "Newsflash: there is no God. This is going to be bonkers."

"It went a little something like this."

*

Adam leaned against the doorframe and watched Hazel make the bed, mind swimming with thought. "Hey."

Hazel startled but smiled when he saw his boyfriend. "Hey, Handsome. What's up?"

"Don't you think it's time one of us marries Anna?"

In their minds, logically, it made sense. They'd been together for over four years now, they'd been in their bigger polycule for at least two. It felt like it was time. Everyone was getting married, talks of children were happening, it felt like the right time. The only problem was there was only one of her and two of them. Polyamorous marriage wasn't legal, so it wasn't like they could both marry her.

Sacrifices had to be made.

He'd been about to tuck the sheet but he froze mid motion. "Yeah, actually. I get the feeling she's a little left out of the marriage thing."

*

"STOP!" Connie yelped, adjusting her position and sighing in pain. "You said what?!"

"Well, we're guys!" Hazel protested. "We didn't know!"

She shook her head. "Okay, continue."

*

The problem presented itself quickly.

Adam grabbed Hazels hand. "I think you should do it."

"What?!" Hazel recoiled at the same time Adam did. "Why me?"

"What? You don't wanna–,"

Hazel glowered. "Don't you start. You know damn well I do. But you're part of this polycule. I see absolutely no reason why it shouldn't be you."

Adam shrugged. "I mean, I'm technically the–,"

"NO!" He groaned, shaking him by his shoulders. "Do you hear yourself?! There is no hinge! This isn't a Vee polycule! We're both madly in love with you!"

"Well, I feel the same but one of us has to do it!" Adam snapped woefully. "We can't just leave her in the dark!"

They were both quiet before Hazel muttered, "We could rock-paper-scissors? Best two out of three."

He pondered that for a moment before nodding. "I guess that's fair."

*

Jasmin stood and grabbed Connie and Alex, who were already gathering behind the couch. They started whispering heatedly and pulling at their hair. "It's not just me, right?" Jasmin uttered in horror. "This is the dumbest idea you've ever heard?"

Alex shook his head. "Men. Not all of them, but most of them." He clasped his hands and shut his eyes. "Not all men. Not all men. I just keep having to tell myself that... This is why being gay isn't a choice. Who would choose to only like men?"

Connie couldn't even get a word out. All she could do was silently gesture and sigh heavily, shaking her head in disappointment and then she scoffing in disgust and shock.

"They were going to rock-paper-scissors over it!" Jasmin whisper yelled. "That's– ugh– did they think that was going to work?!"

"And! And what about Anna?" Alex agreed in disbelief. "They didn't think to ask her first?!"

"That part!" Steven exclaimed from the couch, the eavesdropper that he was.

Jasmin pulled them both closer. "Listen, it's exactly this that makes me think this is a perfect polycule. They have us. We're the brains, Stevens the heart, Jacobs an idiot but he has common sense."

"Thank you, darling~."

She fought away the smile. "They'd probably rock-paper-scissors over everything else if it worked is the worst part!"

"No, the worst part was we kept tying," Adam mumbled with a red face. "Like, we genuinely tied every time. We couldn't even get the best two out of three."

"You did this multiple times?!" Connie finally exploded, laughing in horror. "Not only did you think this would be a good idea once, but you thought it would be a good idea MULTIPLE TIMES?!?"

Hazel nodded miserably. "But... It wasn't that bad of an idea, right? It could've been worse."

Steven and Jacob looked at each other and blew out a wide eyed breath before Steven muttered, "No... no, no, no, no... I actually don't even know how to help you. You might have actually fucked this up."

Adam blanched. "Steven can't even be positive... oh my god..."

Jacob ran a hand through his hair. "I-I don't even..." He sighed and tried again. "I... just... This is the most masculine thing I've ever witnessed because even I'm over here thinking, 'Holy shit this is... the worst idea since Hitler' and I'm not even joking. This is so stupid even I can't laugh about it."

Adam sucked in a pained breath. "Is this the cost of being a man? Making stupid decisions and then getting dragged by your honest friends?"

Hazel nodded. "Yep."

The rest finally rejoined, but they couldn't stop shaking their heads.

"How many times did you try?" Alex asked, already exhausted but always ready for tea. "I have to know."

Adam winced. "A lot? Maybe 10 times?"

Steven dropped his head in realization. "Oh my god. Please tell me she didn't catch you."

"She caught us around 20 minutes ago," Hazel told them.

Jacob chuffed and waved a hand. "And how did that work for you?"

*

"This is the last fucking time," Hazel growled at Adam. "This shouldn't be this hard. It's a simple fucking game."

"Don't you think I know that?" He sneered back. "One more time."

Anna walked into the bedroom and frowned. "What are you guys doing?"

"Playing RPS," Adam answered amiably, tying with Hazel and trying to shake off the urge to punch him in the face.

She watched a bit, then asked, "Over what?"

Hazel held up a hand for pause. "Well... to propose."

Anna's eyes fell shut and she placed a hand over her heart, cocking her head in hopes she would hear something else when she made them repeat that. "I'm sorry?"

"There's two of us, Anna," Adam explained with a sigh. "One of us has to do it, and we both want to. So RPS."

They even went again two more times. The second tie, Anna lost her mind. "You two have got to be kidding me!" She yelled, jump scaring them both. "Get out!"

Hazel held up his hands in surrender. "Wait, baby, why–?"

"GET OUT!"

*

Hazel looked toward the door longingly. "I think we've officially started a massive argument."

Connie stood again. "I know it's already been said but you need to hear it again: This was fucking stupid. There's no way you thought this was a good idea."

"Poly marriage isn't legal!" Adam whined dramatically. "We did what we had to do!"

"Who the hell said you had to get married, first of all?" Jasmin laughed with Alex. "Did an angel descend upon you in your dreams to tell you guys you needed to RPS?"

They shrugged. "Anna's the angel."

"See?! And that's another reason you guys are fucking stupid!" Jacob cried in agony. "You guys are polar opposites of the same spectrum! Of course you're going to keep tying! You guys share brain cells!"

They even grew bashful and scoffed together.

"How do we fix it?" Adam whispered. "This... can't be it."

The rest simpered in sympathy. Sure, these guys were the dumbest people on the planet at the moment, but they hadn't really meant any harm. They just wanted Anna to have that experience.

"Apologize," Steven said confidently.

Hazel nodded. "Done."

"No, no, no." Steven chuckled sarcastically. "Apologize again. And again. Separately, together, and kiss the ground she walks on literally. I'm talking like get on the floor and kiss wherever her foot lands and then wherever it's about to and hope she ever lets you hit that again."

"At least Steven's not as upset as we thought he was," Hazel told Adam. "Love God says to worship her."

"Oh no," Steven cut in. "I'm horrified. I'm just in shock because, and I know this is so mean, but I expected so much more from you guys of all people. You're normally so good at communicating. Did you guys even ask Anna if she wanted to get married, and to whom?"

Adam facepalmed a miliad of times before answering, "No. We wanted it to be a surprise but I didn't think to ask if she wanted to."

"Oh god." Hazel ran a hand over his face. "This isn't about marriage, is it? It's the part before that."

"YES!" They shouted at top volume.

Adam scowled and crossed his arms. "I only wanted Hazel to because if I can't marry both it's not worth it to me!"

Six people started gesturing wildly and gasping at the out loud epiphany.

Hazel gasped too. "Oh my fucking god, bro. Anna probably feels the same way."

Connie pulled out her suddenly vibrating phone and put it on speaker. "Oh, hi, Ms. Tabb!"

"Hello, baby!" Hazels mother greeted jovially. "And you'd better call me Mama, girl! Are my sons there?"

She smirked ruefully. "Yes, Mama! They're here, what's the occasion?"

Hazel pleaded with her silently but his mother's voice came through the phone sharp and venomous in that way only mothers can achieve. "ARTEZ WILLIAM TABB AND ADAM JOSEPH JOHANSSON YOU BOYS HAD BETTER GET ON WITCHA STUPID ASS BULLSHIT!"

Both boys flinched hard and Hazel sighed. "We're working on it, Mama."

"You boys have got some nerve acting a fool like this! Actin like your mamas ain't raised you better! Adam, your parents about to learn how to rip you a brand new hole so pick a god and pray to em!"

He chuckled but curled into a ball. "With all due respect, I really and truly have more than I need."

"I'll let yall on, but next time you're over my daughter had better be smiling like the sun or Imma whoop your asses broken! Ya hear?" 

They nodded quickly. "Yes, Ma'am."

She clicked off and Connie sighed deeply. "At least her first resort was to call your parents to vent. Means you're not completely fucked over. Yet."

Alex shot up suddenly. "Wait. Where exactly is Anna going to go if she can't drive?"

"She's still here," Jacob confirmed.

Hazel and Adam stood, brushing off their clothes and hugged.

"We lived a perfect life," Adam sighed.

"We loved a perfect woman. This is going to be the worst thing in the galaxy."

Steven groaned. "What was the last thing she said to you before she left?!"

"That they never listen," Anna finished, pushing the front door open the rest of the way. "Thanks for letting me listen in, Jacob."

The guys looked humiliated as Jacob nodded in solidarity. "I figured you'd hear and act accordingly. I think we should go."

They filed out and sat in Alex' living room, wincing at every raised voice. It sounded heated, and bad. Really, really bad.

"This... this is not good," Steven muttered, going pale.

Things went quiet suddenly and Alex stood. "Fuck it. I'm nosy." He pressed his ear against the door and raised his eyebrows.

*

A bit later, they caught Adam and Hazel doing rock-paper-scissors again.

Connie grabbed Steven's hand. "Husband, take me away from this nonsense."

"No, no. Don't do that." Adam chuckled as he lost and shoved at Hazels shoulder. "This isn't for what you think it is."

"What's it for?" Alex asked half laughing.

Anna bounded in and both boys immediately covered her in kisses until she held up a hand. "So anyways, I'm a Queen now. Adam, be a doll and grab me a glass of milk."

"Yes, your Majesty."

She grinned. "No, better."

Adam grabbed her hand. "Yes, Your Eminence."

When she nodded her approval he immediately went to finish the task, trying to ignore the raised eyebrows and snorts as they tried not to laugh.

Connie looked at Hazel, who had actually gotten down to kiss her shoes and guffawed. "Okay, this is next level petty."

"I'm kind of living for it," Alex mused.

Steven exchanged a look with Jacob. "I'm actually a little terrified."

Jacob shrugged. "This would never happen to me, I already do this shit. Jasmin would do something actually evil like deny letting me eat her out." He lifted a can of beer to his lips and shuddered. "Something diabolical like that."

"Connie says I'm petty," Anna giggled, tossing her girlfriend a look. "I call it instant karma. Back to it, boys."

Now everyone was interested in the game, they all waited with bated breath for five minutes of tying before Jasmin hummed. "I know what this is. Turn both of them around and have them play facing away."

Both of them scoffed that that wasn't necessary but turned their backs to press against each other.

"On three, not after," Adam reminded him, sounding wildly nervous.

"I know how to play Roshambo, Boyfriend," Hazel mumbled.

"1... 2... 3..."

"Wait!" Steven yelped, stopping them in their tracks. "What's this for?"

Anna grinned and took on Steven's glow, bouncing up and down on her tippy toes slightly. "Well, Alex, what's the most comforting thing in a three way polycule?"

Alex answered easily. "My partners are married, and both want me to live with them. I'm not afraid they'll leave each other anymore, and I have a permanent spot in their lives already." Everyone went silent and stared at him, including Jacob and Jasmin. "Sorry, was that creepy?"

"No, it's actually making me rethink some of my past behaviors," Jasmin admitted guiltily.  "Not that much though."

"Exactly," Anna exclaimed. "I actually don't have a desire for marriage. They're pretty but I couldn't handle all of the eyes on me. I also know that I happen to have a particularly gay boyfriend who dreams of a gay wedding–,"

Adam turned crimson and scoffed. "That's not true!"

"Mhm," She muttered something dismissive and sighed. "And a giant boyfriend who does wanna get married. Problem solved about who gets to marry Anna: nobody!"

She looked so excited they couldn't even worry too much, and her smile only grew when she turned back to her boyfriends. "This is honestly more of a reward to myself than it is a punishment to you."

Hazel grinned. "Are you at least going to wear a pretty dress?"

She nodded excitedly. "Of course! I'm going to be dressed like the goddess overseeing your marriage and blessing it."

Steven pondered that for a moment, understanding the sentiment. "What if I called POTUS and just had the law change?"

Anna wrapped Steven in her arms and then raised them so he'd pick her up. "IDONTWANTAWEDDING!"

He burst out laughing and set her down. "Okay, okay, my ears!"

She batted her lashes as she took a sip of her milk. "Well no one was listening to me so..."

So they watched like sports fans as the official game begun. Jacob wanted to pop popcorn but there was no time to, this was an entire polycule event.

"Best two out of three," Hazel muttered.

"Okay."

Anna kissed both of their cheeks. "Thank you for doing this, it'll make me so happy."

They both smiled and counted off.

Tie.

"Go again," Adam sighed.

Adam won and Jacob raised his hand this time. "First time caller, long time listener; is this to see if they get married or not, or who wears the dress?"

They giggled and shoved at him to shut up and let the game play.

Connie studied Hazels expression and caught onto his thoughts quickly. Suddenly things made sense, she knew why he seemed to not be taking it all that seriously and possibly why they kept tying.

He wanted Adam to propose to him, and it was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen.

But Hazel won the next round after they'd tied three more times.

Alex reached for Steven and he picked him up. "This is so intense I need a birds eye view."

Adam looked like he was perfectly content with whatever happened to him. He shrugged. "Doesn't feel too intense, I know Hazels a sucker for my good looks and gothic sensibilities. Just didn't think I'd get to hear about it at an altar."

"One more time," Hazel encouraged weakly. "This is it, I can feel it."

"Why am I so nervous?" Jasmin mumbled.

They both landed on three and waited. After a while, no one had said anything.

"Who won?" Adam asked, tempted to glance back. His heart dropped into Hell when everyone grinned at him. "Oh god..."

Hazel peeked behind him and sighed in relief. "Oh, thank the stars in the sky. I would've cried the whole fucking time."

Adam went paler and dropped his hands. "I have to try to be romantic."

Anna pulled them both into a squealing, crying hug and grinned. "I'm so excited, thank you Daddies! It'll be fun! You're so good at romance, you romance me all the time!"

"Not with boys," He protested, growing increasingly panicked. "Girls you just have to be nice to them and you guys are pretty and sweet so it's easy but– Oh my god– I can't do this!"

Steven pressed a hand over his heart and sighed happily. "I think all of my childhood trauma just resolved itself watching Adam have gay panic."

Adam curled in on himself and tipped. "Oh my god, someone call my mom."

Anna choked on a laugh. "There my boys go calling their mommies." It was really cute, but both had a habit of calling their moms before bedtime to say good night and that they loved them. Having Mommas Boys was so rewarding. They felt like a reward to her, even though they had pissed her the fuck off. She turned to Hazel, a bit dazed but humorous, and kissed him. "I love my Mommas Boys."

He grinned and kissed her back, grabbing at her hips. "What's the real reason?"

"Everything Alex said. I'm afraid to lose you and maybe it's a bit manipulative but–," She stopped herself short and smiled. "I want you both forever, and you'll both still be my husbands cause fuck the law."

Connie poked her side and nodded toward Adam. "He's having a complete meltdown."

They tuned back in to see that was actually not too far off of what was happening. Adam seemed to be going through absolute shocked joy, hellish levels of terror, and... guilt? No, he was just scrubbing at his face to stop the tears while they got him a glass of water and his mom told him to get his shit together because he's always wanted to get married and she's always known that and dammit she was going to be there and be at her sons wedding and sit right next to Anna if she had to crawl her way out of hell itself. Mrs. Johansson was completely invested in this wedding as soon as she heard about it.

"Mom, I'm not good with romance!" He complained. "The first thing I did was call my mommy, why didn't you train me for this?"

Mrs. Johansson chuckled. "Now Adam, none of that complaining about being happy. It drives your mom nuts. Of course you called your mommy, I was your first best friend."

Jacob was holding in a laugh so hard his face turned purple almost immediately. Adam glared at him and pointed a menacing finger to keep him quiet. Everyone was already giggling, and his mother laughed too. "I'm gonna start calling you Mrs–,"

"Adam, your mom tells me you're having some boy troubles so I can give you some pointers."

Adam shook his head. "Gross, Dad. I don't wanna know about how you romanced mom at Nova again." He was eyeing Jacob, who seemed to have dispersed his giggles but was wearing a cheshire grin that only meant trouble.

"Why don't you ask Steven?" His dad exclaimed incredulously. "He's the romantic of our sons!"

Adam cringed as Steven dusted off his shoulders. "Dad, if you're his dad too that makes all of this really weird. You know what's going on over here."

He scoffed. "Oh, hush. No it doesn't! Not in polyamorous terms!"

They started snorting and chortling, trying to stay quiet enough to hear his response. "Dad I don't think that's how it–,"

"Ope! That's our alarm for hot yoga, ttcyl!" His mom made a kissy sound and the line clicked off with Adam staring at the phone and muttering that was also gross.

Jasmin dipped down to rub at his cheek. "Are you gonna be okay, snookums?"

He nodded weakly. "Real goths are nice to their parents."

Hazel crouched and ran his fingers through Adam's hair, the man leaning into both the touches happily. "Would marrying me really be that terrible?"

"No. The kind of unquantifiable love I feel for you cannot be contained in a modern fucking wedding," He spelled out curtly. "I'm going to go broke marrying you and then go into bankruptcy dressing Anna in the absolute finest. I have so much on my plate."

Hazel smirked. "What if I wanted a courthouse wedding?"

"You fucking liar, I know what you and Steven do at sleepovers!" Steven blushed and Adam laughed. "Not that, I mean making wedding venues."

Hazel went quiet. "What kind of wedding were you thinking?"

"No more questions, I'm gonna go panic cry in the shower." He got up and dusted himself off before standing confidently. "Like a man."