A/N: Incredibly and serious TW!!!! Suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, severe depression. Reader's discretion advised. Angst with a happy ending.

Sometimes, the thoughts were too loud to ignore, but he did it anyways.

It wasn't that he was unhappy with his life, quite the contrary. Adam was so fucking happy with his life. Unfortunately, major depressive disorder didn't give a flying fuck about if he was living a good life.

Adam thought on the darker spectrum all the time. He couldn't help it, probably. He'd never really thought to try. Where one could look at the shining sun, he was see a ball of gas and fire bound to destroy everything into nothing. Where would their energy go if it couldn't be destroyed? He wondered about that often. Where one might see a mistake as a defining moment of change and progress, he saw them as inevitable and crushing weights upon his soul.

He knew that every six months he would have an emotional dip, and it would likely be like that until the day his screaming soul was plucked from his body like the seeds from an apple core. Adam was unafraid of death, he was not afraid to die and he never had been. Death meant done, and though he was living a happy life, he was subconsciously spent. That's where he pushed those dark thoughts, the ones that told him to do things he shouldn't do most likely.

It came from a different place than the simple Call Of The Void, his favorite human characteristic. Cactus? Poke it. Jellyfish? Touch it. Fire? Burn the nearest thing. Bleach? Drink it. It wasn't as monotonous and constant as the much darker thoughts he had rampaging through his head.

Every sharp drop he found himself looking down into, his legs twitched with the urge to jump. Not for impulse, but really truly thinking about ending his life. Every time he saw a knife the urge to plunge it into his chest was louder than Hazel laughing giddily as he tried to explain to Anna that loose glitter was not a morning thing, and never would be.

Adam turned and gave her a stern look. "Anna, put the glitter away. It's not an any day thing as far as I'm concerned."

"Bully."

He narrowed his eyes at her and she huffed. "Good girl."

The little happy wiggle gave him a joy he tried to desperately hold onto.

Even his depression medication didn't work to stop the spiraling, one day he woke up and the sun was black. It hadn't been this bad in a very long time. He searched inside himself boredly and found nothing but darkness today. Sighing, he glanced at his partners.

Anna's head was tucked into Hazels arm as she laid on her side and the later on his back because he was so broad she could use him to sleep on like a couch cushion. Adam preferred to spoon her, to have her close to him and his head resting just below Hazels wrist so he could stroke at his hair.

After surviving a hemorrhagic episode, Adam was needlessly afraid nothing would kill him. He'd lost a ridiculous amount of blood on accident and he had still failed. He couldn't have gotten it more perfect, even if it had just been him swinging his legs almost cheerfully on the kitchen counter. Hazels hand felt like it was brushing off the darkness and blood that followed him around like Eeyores fucking cloud.

He trudged into the kitchen and grabbed the first bottle of alcohol he could find. His partners were all a bit of an alcoholic bunch, all trying to keep things light and fluffy to escape from whatever their trauma had to offer when things got too quiet.

Things were too quiet now actually, six creaks just barely audible under the louder than normal hum of their fridge had turned into no more, and he closed the door to see his smallest girlfriend looking up at him.

"What are you doing?" Jasmin's tone was suspicious and sharp with chiding at his apparent 6 in the morning alcoholism. "No booze before 4."

He put it back and ruffled her hair. He wished he could see the emotion on her face, but through the fog of depression there was nothing to behold. "I guess I thought it was water," He laughed. "Why are you out of bed, young lady?"

She shuffled her feet nervously and her head dipped down. "That's the last of the alcohol and I didn't want you to drink it so I told you that rule none of us follow because I'm selfish!" She blurted miserably. She was a terrible liar about everything but love. Her face scrunched a little as she wrapped her arms around him for a hug.

He wanted to feel her pressed against him, giving him this rare show of affection for no reason at all. But he felt nothing, nothing but guilt for feeling nothing. He pulled back and wagged his finger at her. "Go back to bed, Jazzy."

She turned tail after kissing his lips and he figured she must be possessed to be so suddenly sweet until he realized he'd been robbed of the bottle. Nevertheless, he figured if he were in his right mind he would've been grinning from ear to ear and pulled her in for another one. Instead he watched her go and wondered if he was ever going to make it out of this suffering.

The worst part was the physicality of clinical depression. It made his chest ache like someone was stomping on it with both feet and their entire body. It burned, it made him feel cold. It made him feel broken.

But it would be over soon, this pain never lasted for more than a few days. He just had to make it through. Adam went through the same motions he normally did as he tried to come off as okay, but did his best to just observe. These were the people he loved the most in the world, and yet he could feel no love even as their laughter mingled in what was privately his favorite sound supposedly. The din of ideation haunted him everywhere he went until his steps were heavy with the task of carrying them. He would be okay though, he always ended up being okay.

Two weeks later, Adam stared at his reflection in the mirror and grasped inside himself for any light no matter how dim. He came up with nothing and pressed his lips together as he turned away from the flickering in the mirror. It wasn't real, he was just crazy. Maybe he was losing his mind after the weeks had gelled together in a mush hardly worth taking a second look at. He was so tired.

He crashed on the bed face down and passed out to sleep. And sleeping became that tiny escape. His friends were asking if he was okay, and he would smile and tell them he was before he walked away or changed the subject. He wanted to shout that he wasn't and that he was on the verge of doing something irreversible, and that he would not fail the second time. It would never come out no matter how hard he tried.

What he needed to do was ask for help at this point. He needed a watch buddy, someone around to make sure he didn't impulsively do something stupid. But how does a grown man tell his friends that he needs a babysitter or he might kill himself? Exactly.

They'd be repulsed at him, they'd be repulsed by his whining sobs as he begged the universe to take him away from this hell of being broken. He had no reason to be upset, his life was good. People were nicer to trans mascs than they were to trans femmes. Anna had it so much worse, everyone had tumultuous and massive traumas. So many of the polycule had a story or eight that could break your heart into a million pieces and then do it all over again with a worse plot twist at the end.

Then came his voice in his head, mumbling to him how he might do it. Driving a car as fast as he could and unbuckling his seat belt would do the trick. But there was risk of accidentally killing other people too. He may have been rather quiet and shameless, but he cared so much more than anyone would ever know but him. "A cliff, maybe. Cinematic."

Jacob froze in place before he forced himself to turn around. "What'd you say?"

Adam was so stuck in his head he was failing to notice people in general now. It wasn't obvious to others he knew, but this slip up looked bad and Jacob had a wild protective look in his eyes as he dropped his spoon into his thermos. "Was thinking about the next music video. I wanted to go to the Mediocre Canyon but we never got to go this spring." He was over explaining and he needed to shut up. But no, instead he made up an entire scenario that had Jacob nodding along with his silly smile he adored.

Every person who talked to him made him feel like glass, like they could see what was wrong with him and couldn't bear to stay with him longer. Everyone was busy, especially with summer in tow. Parents had to be visited, tours had to be planned, music had to be released and mixed and extended versions had to be put in the bonus tracks.

It was weird, he didn't know when he'd started thinking in terms of, 'I'm going to miss them.'

Connie would make a snarky remark and then ten more, and her gaze would nervously flit to him so he'd give a friendly wave of warning and that seemed to do the trick. He was going to miss her lack of ability to keep her mouth shut.

Alex would sulk as they all pet and mooned over him for the thousandth time like a kitten they'd found on the street and his heart ached dully. He was going to miss them so much.

He felt like static lately. The amount of self loathing, of hating his body and brain chemistry, was beginning to make him sick. He couldn't eat, he stared up at the ceiling at night, he started going through his things and trying to feel something besides relief. Adam wasn't stupid, he knew giving away his shit and selling it was a huge red flag. Adam preferred black ones.

"I'm going on a walk." He was almost cheerful today, everything felt easy. The colors were distorted, the Call Of The Void was deafening in his ears to the point of having to have almost everything repeated to him, and he was content. "Alone."

It wasn't uncommon for him to disappear by himself for awhile, he was a token goth boy after all. They all mused about him sleeping off days of sunlight exposure in a secret coffin he'd hidden somewhere.

They usually didn't do much but tell him to have fun and be safe, but this time it was like the universe was giving him something else.

The whole gang was in the living room watching Is It Safe To Microwave This with wide eyes glued to the screen. Even Alex's phone was hovering forgotten in his hands as they watched some idiot on TubeTube microwave a tube of toothpaste. Connie would pipe up at the beginning and take a guess based on her knowledge in most areas and then they'd see if she was right. It was cute, familial, and he hated to disturb it but if he left without saying anything someone was sure to follow, multiple someones.

Like magic they all turned to him and clambered up to give him a hug for some reason. Being hugged by seven different people provided far too much strength and comforting smells that almost made him cry. Instead of swatting them off, he stayed with his head against Hazels chest, surrounded by all of his lovers. His eyes shut of their own fruition until someone pulled back and made an alarmed sound at his very strange behavior. He should've caught that.

"Adam, are you okay?" Connie asked suspiciously.

He shot up to nod. "Of course I'm okay! Why do you ask?"

Like popcorn, they all started asking questions. Prying questions.

"Where are you going?" Anna asked with a grabbing of his hand so she could play with it. "I'm going to miss you."

A bit of a dam he hadn't known he'd built creaked at how sweet she sounded as she dropped kisses to his palm.

His depression roared at him.

Selfish.

Insane.

Worthless.

Worthless.

Worthless.

Hazel rubbed his hand over Adam's neck and frowned when he flinched. "You realize you haven't said anything to anyone in almost three days, right?"

Steven scratched at his face, nodding slowly as it dawned on him. His brown eyes darkened with suspicion as he turned to Jacob who seemed a bit dazed. "Uhhhh... Hazel, would you mind tending to the girls?"

Hazel looked annoyed until Steven stared at him for a very long time. His body froze completely and before long, Hazel ducked from an invisible force smacking him upside the head. "Ow! Right! I got it!"

Adam backed away from them with his hands up and wrists visible on purpose. 'See?' He wanted to say. 'No cuts.' A powwow meant they'd start putting pieces together, and the pieces needed not to be. "Okay, while you guys fuck, I'm gonna go take a walk."

He turned to walk toward the door but Connie got in his way. She was taller than him by three inches but that didn't matter, he could move her if he tried. "I don't think you should go for a walk today, Adam."

He frowned and glanced out the window behind her. "Why? Is the weather supposed to get bad?" She frowned deeper at him, almost in disappointment and he lost a bit of his cool. "Move."

The rest reacted in surprise. Adam's voice had never been hostile towards them, but it was sure as hell hostile now.

Connie didn't even blink. If anything, all he did was confirm it for her come to think of it. Steven had a temper, and Adam's was showing in a way she probably recognized like her own name. "Yeah, you're not going on a walk."

He turned and nearly facepalmed as he realized he could just go to his house and leave through the front door like a person who didn't need to tell people he was leaving. "I'm taking a nap then."

Hazel scoffed and grabbed the back of his shirt. "You just woke up from a five hour nap. You're not going to bed either."

Adam gritted his teeth but tried to keep his face even and blank. The fact that they were fighting against him, for him, couldn't be allowed to keep him here. Deciding backtracking was the best route, he murmured, "Fine. I'm going to take a shower."

They let him pass this time but as his hand hit the doorknob, Jacob and Anna leaned against it to push it shut. He dropped his head in defeat, trying to force his breathing to stay steady. No one knew how close he was to breaking down, or slamming his fist into the door so hard he'd walk away with broken fingers. Part of him hated them for making him suffer any longer. This current depressive downswing was reaching on a month and a week now and it kept getting worse. He was exhausted and tired and how dare they want him to suffer just so they could feel better about–

"What are you trying to escape?" Jacob asked seriously.

Adam acted dubious and Alex rolled his eyes. "Jacob, maybe we should just–,"

"Alex, shut the hell up, there is no way he's allowed to be alone right now. I'm so fucking serious right now." Jacob pinched Anna's cheek and pointed downstairs. "You guys mind if we have a private talk since he doesn't seem to want to cooperate?"

They nodded apprehensively. Something was wrong, they knew that. But it wasn't the kind that could be forced out by a group. He probably felt attacked. They didn't know what it was, but their friend's silence had put them on edge. His hostility put them on edge.

Adam panicked. Jacob knew about depression far better than almost anyone he knew. If Jacob got him alone, he just might pull the right bricks out to send the wall to a crumbling dusty mess.

"Jacob, get out of my way. Now," He demanded lowly. "You guys can't keep me hostage here."

"Then we're coming with!" Steven snapped. "Do you think we're stupid?"

The situation did not call for a smirk, but it was like he was on auto pilot now. "Well, maybe not stupid–,"

His humor was not well received and Jasmin nodded. "Right. Adam, please stay home. We know something's wrong."

He refused to let that hurt him. He refused to let anything hurt him. He refused to feel anything. "Okay."

Crashing on the upstairs couch, Adam practically fell into himself with exhaustion. Sleep was the closest place he'd ever get to dying for now. It was so peaceful. His dreams were often not filled with memories, rather the darkness all around that he had learned to push to the back. At first he'd been afraid to be in nothingness, but now he walked along and hummed to himself in the absence of sound and sensation. He knew he was moving, but he felt more like he was floating. There was no afterlife, he knew that. This was just a figment of his imagination to comfort himself.

The comfort started to disappear for the first time in his life, and that's when he started to get really afraid. Had he passed in his sleep? Was there actually an afterlife he was being sucked into? Where were the flames? He'd worked pretty hard his whole life to make it into Hell if there was one. He'd be disappointed to end up an angel.

And then the color overtaking the blackness made him step backwards.

Pink.

"Nuh uh. You guys aren't that slick," He said silently.

His eyes shot open to find the entire band staring down at him sleeping. "Good morning, gang."

"You're crying," Alex pointed out quietly. "Babe, you've gotta talk to us."

Adam took a very quiet moment with his head down, willing himself not to cry more in fear he'd lash out in anger. It was easy, he'd learned long ago how to do this: how to disconnect. He just had to act the part, pretending to be an actor was weirdly enough the best way to avoid tears for him.

It was 1998 in Aqua Mexico, and he was a rouge detective on the run. His agency had come to claim him, but he had hardened long ago. It was too late.

It was too late.

The tenseness in his face dropped and he wiped at it calmly. He had to play the role.

Adam finally glanced up at them and sighed, pulling a card he knew he should not by murmuring, "You guys are smothering me."

The one most afraid of it took a step back. When Adam glared, Steven took another with his eyes wide with worry and hurt.

"You guys are being controlling." He watched with dead eyes as Connie and Jasmin stepped back. "And you guys are not allowed to tell me what to do. I love you, but you're driving me nuts." He slung the words like knives, they were supposed to hurt. A tiny flicker of anger turned into an inferno.

He couldn't process the hurt. They were just trying to help but death was the only way out. He was sure.

It was too late for him. Adam was gone already.

The second all that was left was Jacob, he glowered at him menacingly and jabbed a finger into his chest. "Move!"

Jacob sucked in a breath, glaring right back at him as a tear slid down his face. "If you do it, I'll never fucking forgive you."

His cold words meant nothing but more pain, more guilt and misery than he could take. He groaned from the bottom of his stomach and just moved the damn clown aside. Jacob scoffed and reached out to grab his hand before he could storm for the door, but Adam snatched it away.

"Don't you dare lay a finger on me."

The final blow, the final stand off ended as Jacobs face turned red with fury.

Anna glared at him in panicked confusion. "Okay, what's going on? Adam, please talk to us!"

Adam jogged to the door. "What's going on is I need a walk to clear my mind." With that, he was gone. He ached to tell them he loved them, he loved them so much he felt it in his toes. It filled him but he couldn't appreciate it like he'd used to. He was broken, and he didn't want them to get cuts like his from trying to handle this.

But it was too late for that too.

The sun was setting now, so much for watching the sun and the dolphins leap through the water. No matter, he could wait for the stars that were starting to poke through the colored sky. Looking up at it, he could imagine all of their colors up there past the grey he could see now, even his blackness at the other side of the sky where night was taking hold rapidly. Reds and yellows and blues and pinks and even a bit of green swirled and faded into each other as he walked, he could remember watching the sun set before and musing to himself about it. He breathed in the salty air and noticed his clothes becoming stiff with it as salt water splashed him. He couldn't even feel that anymore.

The lighthouse was a short 15 minute walk, 13 if he was in a hurry and he was. He sensed something off in the way his feet hit the sand, like there was double sound. He was starting to hallucinate from the hours of sleep he was lacking. The extra 30 minutes had been nice, but they'd been wrong about him napping all the time. Adam wasn't sleeping most of the time, he was simply practicing being dead. Stillness, and the shallowest breaths he could manage while sound slid past his ears was so nice. Nothing could pull him out of it, so he bathed in it.

From the top of the lighthouse he could see the strange amalgamation of houses clustered together. Steven was so silly for
thinking of it, but it ended up being the best arrangement for them. Close quarters unless they didn't want it to be.

He tried to feel sad. He tried to bring up the pain of hurting them so they'd miss him less but nothing would come of it but content.

"If you do it, I'll never fucking forgive you."

There it was, a tiny sting reminiscent of upset. He pulled more; how Anna's face had turned fearful, how Connie had looked right through him, how Hazel seemed mute with panic, how they'd begged him to stay like they couldn't live without him.

But they didn't know. They had no idea.

It was enough to climb to sit on the railing. 117 feet below him was the bluish sand, discolored with night. Part of him briefly worried about failing. That'd be so embarrassing he wouldn't do anything ever again.

Oh.

He felt the heat of embarrassment fill his face. He was so fucking embarrassed with himself. It was embarrassing that he'd snapped at them so viciously. It was humiliating that he'd cried in front of them. 

All of that was enough to let go so he was now balancing on the railing with no hands. How embarrassing that he had this affliction. How weak must he look to his friends that saw a warrior with the memories of gnarly battle scars and careful observation of everything. They saw a protector, and he would lay down his life in less than a heartbeat to protect them from anything, even himself.

He tipped ever so slightly, now precariously on the edge. Freedom. Peace. Nothing. It was all down there waiting for him if he was brave enough to take it. The promises reached up to him all the way up on the lighthouse railing.

At that moment he fixed the last verse of Mr. Glassman in his head.

'But he still gets scared
And he still gets nervous
Cause you've gotta fear the waves
If you wanna go surfing.'

But then he was stuck. He couldn't move, not because he didn't want to, but there was restraint around him. An invisible force brought a single color back to the world that he fought against with all his silent might and will.

"I don't like walking around this cold and empty world," He thought to him.

"Then hold my hand I'll walk with you, my dear." A soft, sweet baritone that could not be mistaken for anyone else murmured back, still clutching onto him for dear life.

Life.

He sucked in a breath through his teeth. He was in pain, burning inside at full force. Steven had pushed away the numbness. It was going to kill him, it was going to kill him and he cried in a mix of relief and fear and all encompassing terror as Lion roared behind him carrying seven grown ass adults who all tumbled off to grab and restrain him.

They didn't need to. He was asleep before he even hit the ground.

The next time he woke up, his entire body hurt from being tackle dragged by what felt like everyone in the world. He didn't open his eyes, it was silent as the death he craved but the energy was too great for a room with just him in it. His breathing stayed steady like he was sleeping, and he felt a shift in the chair right next to his head.

"I'm the last person you wanna try that with, you know. I did fake sleeping a lot growing up with Oliver."

He turned over and curled into himself. Fine, then. But he didn't want to look at him.

That was a bad idea. To his left was quite possibly the craziest thing he'd ever seen: Steven fazing in and out of reality as he snored. He passed out again, unable to process but always able to sleep and give up.

The world was no longer black, the void was filled with every color of the rainbow. Steven pulled him into a hug so tight he felt it in his real body. "I'm so glad we got there in time. I'm sorry I possessed you."

Possessed him? Oh, that must have been the pseudo-paralyzation then. Whatever, he couldn't be bothered to care.

The next time he'd awoken, Connie was on shift. "Good evening. Are we going to the hospital, Adam?"

"No." That might make it turn into a psychotic episode. He couldn't be caged up and forced to have the same schedule. He wouldn't graduate this time.

She nodded slowly. "How are you feeling, hun?" The genuine compassion made him feel sick to his stomach, so he fell asleep again and hid like a coward as she rubbed his head tenderly.

His partners had him surrounded. Like all of them were just sitting on the bed talking, unaware of his consciousness.

"I can't believe I let this happen," Hazel lamented weakly. "How did I not see the signs? What kind of boyfriend–?"

He felt a shift in the bed as someone comforted him. "I've been through exactly what you've been through. It's not your fault."

"Then whose fault is it?" Anna sounded as if she'd been sobbing for hours. Lifeless even, like he had almost been. His hands twitched at his side with the undying urge to pull her close and console her.

"Either it has nothing to do with us... or everything to do with us."

The silence was so quiet he could almost believe he was alone.

"We're back." Steven's voice moved as he spoke. "We went out and grabbed a few things for dinner. How's he doing?"

A hand on his cheek made him flinch and grimace. It stayed, and slowly he turned into it. The touch was nice. "He's conscious. Maybe he'll choose to stay this time."

He opened his eyes, not recognizing the voice and found himself looking into the eyes of a person with the most furious look on his face. It made sense why he didn't recognize it, it was hoarse with emotions, bad emotions like anger and fear.

The hand moved and more replaced it all over him. A distinct sound of a door slamming shut made him flinch.

"Jacob's just upset. It'll pass," Jasmin told them. "He's been struggling too."

Hazel sighed deeply, aching like he never had before. "Since when has this polycule become a system where we're hiding really important shit from each other?" He knew once things passed, he would snap too. Anger knew no bounds, and while he was angry at his boyfriend's actions he was far more mad at himself. No matter, it could wait.

Adam matched his sigh. "It hasn't. You don't just walk up to people and tell them you're suicidal."

They turned to him, eyebrows raised. Unlike Steven and Jacob, he wasn't a mute kind of distressed. He could still talk, he just preferred not to.

"You'd be really surprised to know I've had to do that before, then," Steven told him dryly.

Adam forced himself to sit up but sat on the other side of the bed, facing away so they wouldn't see his intense shame. "I'm sorry."

Anna was the first to lose her shit. "Dammit you should be!" Her shrill tone made him turn instinctually and he wished he hadn't. She wasnt in rainbow today, she was wearing the sweatshirt Hazel and Adam constantly fought over and her face was glistening with tears that wouldn't stop coming and red with rage. "What do you think was going to happen if you jumped?! Did you not think of anyone but yourself?!"

"Anna," Hazel tried gently.

"No! He needs to know I would have never recovered! He needs to know we never would have recovered! Look at him, he can't even show he cares!" She pulled at her hair and plopped back down where she was sitting, shaking like a leaf in a storm. "How were we supposed to continue on without you?"

Adam's mouth went dry as his gaze flickered across their faces, all trying to hold back something by their clenched fists and cheeks painted with untold emotion. "Someone's missing."

They simpered, looking almost distraught.

"Jacob has to cool down, he's the one who slammed the door, remember?" Adam grimaced at his lack of short term memory. Another sign of depression slowly destroying him. "He knew what was going on before we did. He's..." Steven glanced to the side at Jasmin and Connie, who nodded their heads. He clearly didn't want to say the wrong thing, though he really never did. "He's really fucking mad at you."

Alex stood abruptly. "For the record, I'm pissed too. You don't get to just abandon us, you selfish fuck."

Once again an inappropriate reaction burst out of him: he chuckled. "That's fair." A bit of fog lifted, the tiniest bit.

Hazel dragged him to their side of the bed and shook him. "Adam, I swear to God if you ever do that again, I'll beat your ass till you're darker than I am! In front of your parents. At church."

He laughed again. "I–," He looked forward to it. "I'm sorry."

He was mollycoddled for longer than he could stand. Every hug lasted ten seconds. The 'I love you's' were constant. There was never a time he slept alone, his main partners canceled everything for the next month. Steven put a hold on everything music. Connie slowly peeled away at his layers and found the root problem, the same as she'd done with Steven.

Stevens was self hate.

Adams was feeling alone in a crowded room.

So, when he stood to take a piss and Anna's eyes locked on him like a sniper he lolled his head back and sighed. "Babygirl. You guys can't follow me everywhere."

"I beg to fucking differ," Hazel argued. "We're going to put you in a diaper. I'm not taking my eyes off of you."

Smothering. He supposed he kind of needed to be smothered, he was getting intrusive thoughts about breaking the mirror.

"If you put me in a diaper, I'll end up in prison," Adam promised. "No parole."

Hazel huffed out a one syllable laugh. "Can't you just pee in the kitchen sink where we can see?"

Connie and Alex gasped in disgust.

"The sink?" Alex cried. "Some of my dishes go in there!"

Connie gagged and shook her head violently. "Talk about something else! Talk about something else!"

Adam sighed and sat down where he was standing. "Fine then, I'm going to take a piss right here."

"No, no, no, don't do that," Steven interjected quickly as he stood. "This could be way, way worse, Adam."

Adam snorted. "Oh, really? How?"

And that's how he ended up peeing while making annoyed eye contact with seven people. He glared at them and dared them to continue, but it was hard to scare a giant alien with superpowers. He threw the nearest thing at them and instinctually they scattered like mice until Stevens shield blocked it.

It was slow, but he started to feel like himself again. Colors seeped back into his palate, black was every color after all.

Hazel and Anna had drowned him in love so deep and wide it was beginning to push back at the edges of his depression.

Connie and Steven pulled things out one by one, casually talking about suicide as Steven strummed his guitar and Connie took notes. Adam apparently hadn't a clue about Steven's depression.

Jasmin made him mac and cheese and he ended up crying into it so much it got a bit too salty.

Alex was awkward, but gentle. He pulled him into a hug out of nowhere and patted his back twice. Adam choked on laughter as Alex mumbled he wasn't good at being nice yet.

The only color that he hadn't received back was green.

His partners were hurt, but they didn't quite understand the turmoil like Jacob did. Adam did his best to promise and assure them. Now every time they embraced it was for a little longer. Every kiss was deeper and meaningful and desperate for him to stay. When they held hands they had to be coaxed to let go. He wasn't going to run in front of a semi, he'd lost the conviction he realized.

But Jacob had always known how serious he was, and furthermore how if he tried that would just be it forever. Jacob knew Adam hurt him on purpose, he knew he lied to his face again and again. And he'd known he hadn't cared if it hurt them, because his mind had twisted it into a good or neutral thing. They'd have survived without him. It would've made them stronger, right? No. Jacob didn't believe that for a fucking second.

Jacob finally spoke to him again directly a week later, perched on top of the fridge drinking a beer.

Adam raised his eyes slowly. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Everyone's out. It's my turn to babysit." He took a long drink and crushed it with his hand so hard it cut into his skin.

Adam flushed at the sight of the blood and turned his head away in irritation. It was like he just kept getting more and more fucked up as time went on. "Don't call it that."

The man ignored him and downed another beer to repeat the process. This time as he spoke he crushed it faster, seemingly unfazed by the pain. "Never do it again."

He felt like a liar, but he hoped it was true when he said, "I won't."

Jacob pressed harder, unconvinced and desperate. "I'm serious. I'm so serious right now."

Adam's lips curled. "Why so serious?"

"No way did you just make a clown joke at a time like this." He hopped down and grabbed a fistful of Adam's shirt. "Look me in my eyes and tell me if you think I'm just clowning around, Adam."

He couldn't do it, too much heat was rushing to his face and suddenly he was trying to have a single thought he was proud of. "I-I know. I'm sorry."

Jacob didn't let go, he pulled him closer for a kiss as angry as his words and slammed him against the fridge. Jacob was stronger than he was though he rarely chose to show it. Adam fought the urge to submit and scowled into the kiss. "You can't force me to not be depressed."

"Watch me." His green eyes turned glassy. "I have rarely been more afraid in my entire life." Adam hated hearing his voice break so violently. He hated how his depression made people tremble with too many emotions to hold.

"I won't do it again," He murmured. "I promise."

Jacob pushed off of him, his fists clenched. "Fuck."

He was quiet with his back turned to him, shoulders rising with every erratic breath as he tried to find the right words to say. Adam was ever patient, his patience ran eons long and galaxies wide. With this polycule, he kinda had to be when it was overrun with Brats and cocky tops.

"I don't ever want to lose you, Adam. Okay?" He was clearly crying, but his body language said to be still. Explosions from Jacob were few and far between nowadays. To make him this upset, he must really care.

Adam blinked the tears out of his own eyes, not bothering to wipe them away. "You're not going to."

Jacob chuffed and reached a hand behind him. "Then come and let me hold you."

Jacob made Adam feel something identical to how he felt about his mains, there was something to the way they interacted that made it so. Little did he know that past the tears of his own, Jacob's face was deep crimson as bi panic came in at the wrong time and made him restless.

"Honestly, I could use some attention while everyone's gone."

*

They threw a party, that was the trick. Jacob was supposed to distract Adam, though his main task was to in fact keep an eye on him. He did a little more than that.

Adam gazed at the balloons and the cake and the flowers and made a face of confused amusement. "What's this?"

"A party," Steven chirped amiably.

"Sit down." Hazel dropped a piece of cake in front of him with ice cream and Anna gave him a trillion kisses on the cheek, clinging to his arm a bit tighter than she normally did.

He stared, feeling terrible because it said Happy Birthday and whose fucking birthday was it? His partners looked at him expectantly for long enough that his thumb stopped stroking Anna's neck.

"Oh shit." He pulled out his phone and gawked at the date in horror. "It's November?!"

Connie turned from the pot cooking over the stove and frowned deeply. "Yes. You didn't know it was your birthday?"

Adam burst out crying and laughing at the same time, his forehead pressed against the table. "Fucking hell. Depression does that. My bad."

She rubbed his shoulders and gave him a teasing smile. "Hey, the salt from your tears is going to warp the wood on my childhood dinner table," She scolded with a smile in her voice. "You stop that."

He watched a part of the ice cream melting down the side of the cake and pooling underneath. When was the last time he'd had something sweet? He picked up the fork and tried to ignore the audible inhale of anticipation. "Yes, ma'am."

They cheered when he took a bite of energizing but fleeting sugars. Both the warm and cool temperatures mixed into what felt like the best thing in the world. It tasted like love.

It was so stupid, but he couldn't fight off the giggle as he took another much larger bite and slouched in his seat.

"You'll be okay. Not every day, but most days," Jacob promised with a small smile.