"Are you ready, Jacob?"

The man shot his eyes up to his lawyer and nodded. "I'm alright."

She chuckled lightly and tapped his hand gently. "S'not what I asked, but you're right. There's no possible way he leaves today."

That's not what he was worried about. That's not what was making him sick.

What if they said it was his fault? How many times had he been frustrated? How many times had he sighed his relief?

Not many. But too many.

He grabbed the trash can and threw up again. And again. Every time he thought he might be done, he gagged harder.

Elizabeth watched with sympathetic eyes and provided him a tissue. "You've got this."

Walking into the courtroom he was derealizing so hard he didn't notice his friends at first. He sat and stared off into the distance, wishing he could throw up again. A growing feeling of misery and despair was heightening in him, he wanted to faint.

A jury of his peers sat to his left. He couldn't even look at them, he didn't want to cause attention to himself. They were probably judging him. Men didn't usually report it, they toughed it out and buried it. He hadn't been the one to call the police when they'd found the box of hard evidence that Oliver was a creep, but it still made him feel weak.

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Shonda Walker."

He stood and managed to turn his head, catching Hazel pump a fist and lean over to his nervous wife. Jasmin smiled, or she at least tried. Alex grabbed her hand and squeezed.

"You may be seated."

Jacob startled as he realized Oliver was in the room. He thought he'd be on high alert but he felt like he was living a terrible nightmare as an NPC.

Was this even real?

Judge Walker looked through the files in silence before turning to address Jacob himself. "Welcome home."

"Thank you." His voice sounded hollow and soulless. Had whatever was controlling him hit a response button? Did they have options? Did he?

"We have our defendant and his Attorney, please state your name for the record."

The man next to Oliver stood, blonde and immaculate with his presence. He smiled broadly. "Defending Attorney Brian Wilcox."

He sat and Jacob's lawyer stood. "Prosecuting Attorney Elizabeth Bell."

She sat and gave him an encouraging smile as Judge Shonda started talking. "I now call to order the case of Olfax versus Olfax. Jacob Olfax please rise and put your left hand up."

He held up his right and blushed his embarrassment, quickly switching to the other. "I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God."

Hearing his father's voice was like hearing nails on a chalkboard, he couldn't breathe as Oliver said the same thing.

He was such a sick evil liar and he didn't even know it.

Court droned on. Jacob caught about half of it as he varied between having a panic attack and feeling nothing at all. It felt like someone had reached into his chest and was squeezing his heart. A large part of him hoped he would just die. He wished with all his heart that he would have a fatal heart attack and die.

The despair consumed him.

He was back in his room, staring up at the still ceiling fan listening for clumsy footsteps. Would he come tonight?

Yes, of course he would. He always did.

Why was he upset? It was 10, usually he showed up by nine. Tiff was snorting a drug he now knew was cocaine. He'd tried some. Now he was antsy and...

Frustrated.

"I'd like to call our first witness, Mrs. Rebecca Armstrong, the prosecutions para from year one to year five."

Everything was slo-motion but he had to look. She had randomly quit year five, and it had broken his heart. Rebecca had been one of the only good things in his childhood and she had abandoned him when he needed her most.

"Please state your name for the record."

She leaned forward and recited clearly. "My name is Rebecca Armstrong, I was Jacob's para for five years."

Brian stood and crossed over to her casually, flashing a Hollywood smile. "Top of the morning to you Rebecca, how do you do?"

"Top of the morning to you. I'm well." Jacob couldn't help but notice that her voice hadn't changed from the poppy British she used to speak. She'd always sounded like Mary Poppins, just a bit more cockney.

"Mrs. Rebecca, you used to work at Jacob's school, isn't that right?" She nodded and Brian tipped his head. "Why did you quit?"

Jacob tensed with anticipation. Why did she quit?

"The environment was becoming too difficult to continue working there. I realized I was in over my head."

Jacob wanted to scream at her and call her a liar. She was kind and smart and wonderful to him, he'd never heard her complain about work even once. She always told him she loved her job.

Brian stilled. "Would you say you weren't qualified?"

Shonda frowned. "Mr. Brian—,"

He held up a hand amiably. "Withdrawn. Rebecca, tell me about the time you spent with the prosecution."

She paused and glanced at him, but he refused to meet her eye. He wasn't even sure he could have. "Well, Jacob started off as a lively and brilliant young man. We often did homework together, he was exceptionally smart even as a child. Then things started to change. He became irritable. He was always in pain, or sick. I couldn't help him, and it broke my heart."

"Would you say you had a close personal relationship with him?" Brian asked. "It sounds like you were close."

Jacob waited for someone to object but no one did and Rebecca looked flustered. "Well, yes. He was—,"

Brian cut her off with a chuckle. "Rebecca, are you supposed to have close personal relationships with students in Special Education?"

Jacob hated Brian. He wanted to strangle him, he wanted to cry out in outrage. How dare he even suggest their relationship was inappropriate when she was the only adult in his life that really cared?

She tried to respond but he cut her off again. "Rebecca, do you recognize this?" He he slid two papers off of his stand. "And one for the judge."

Shonda skimmed over it as Brian handed one to Rebecca too. Her lips curled in and she nodded. "Adoption papers."

Jacob's world stopped as he knew it. Adoption papers? He'd never heard anything about it. His hands started to shake as he thought of how his life might be different if Rebecca had adopted him.

Would she have baked him cookies? Would she have read him bedtime stories? He couldn't imagine Rebecca ever hurting his feelings, body or his mind. She probably would've been a gentle parenting type, the woman had always been patient with him.

"Is it appropriate to try to adopt a child not only within your job, but also a child which is not within Child Protective Services?" Brian gave her a hard stare and the courtroom lapsed into silence.

'Please, please say something!' Jacob begged internally, willing to get down on his knees and pray if he needed to.

Rebecca's face turned red but Jacob couldn't see the expression. Maybe she was disgusted by what he'd become and regretted trying. "Well, he should've been! Everyone missed the signs of extreme child abuse or ignored them! I was the only one who bothered to try do anything about it!" She cried, shooting out of her seat. "Everyone else said to butt out and I just couldn't! He was a child—!"

"Rebecca, sit down!" The Judge snapped, making her gavel as Rebecca continued on. "Order in the court!"

People were murmuring, Rebecca was sliding back into her seat and Jacob felt more bile rising. Being sick in court would be dreadfully embarrassing. He turned to his attorney but she was glaring at Brian.

"Nothing further, Your Honor." Brian sat down and leaned over to whisper to Oliver, who nodded grimly.

Elizabeth approached Rebecca and greeted her politely. "Rebecca, you were Jacob's para in formal education, right?"

She smoothed out her hair and nodded nervously. "Yes."

"Can you tell me about Jacob's consistent complaints of illness?" She pulled a remote from her pocket and Jacob panicked, for some reason worried about Steven. It wasn't a clicker right?

"He often complained of tummy aches, headaches, his throat being sore, sitting was painful, he was sometimes bruised, sometimes he would... wet himself in class. There were days he was so tired and feverish he'd pass out on his desk with exhaustion. He was often bleeding."

Jacob wanted to disappear. It used to be far worse than Rebecca even had observed. He used to wet himself a lot. Even as an adult he sometimes worried that he would do it and occasionally he had. He'd stopped at 10, but sometimes he was trapped in the memories and he feared for his dignity.

Not that he really had much left.

Elizabeth hit the remote and a list of common signs of child abuse appeared on a projector. "Every single thing you've described is a common occurrence in children being sexually assaulted. Did you tell anyone that something might be wrong?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Rebecca looked like she was going to cry. Her cheeks turned red and she grabbed a napkin to bat at her eyes before the mascara ran. "I tried but was told to stop being nosy and mind my P's and Q's."

Elizabeth placed a hand on the stand. "And what did Jacob say when you asked about these things?"

"He told me he had been playing too hard. I didn't know!" She started crying harder and shook her head. "I didn't have any evidence so I was ignored."

Elizabeth smiled. "One more question. Did you at any time ever have sexual contact with Jacob Olfax?"

Rebecca looked offended. "No! Of course not!"

"I would like to remind you that you are under oath!"

Jacob blanched. Never had Rebecca ever touched him, never had he gotten the feelings Oliver gave him from her. Why was his attorney being an asshole?

"I swear!" Rebecca sobbed into her hand quietly. She clearly needed a hug. "I loved him like a son."

"No further questions." Elizabeth leaned over to him. "I'm sorry. It needed to be done."

Jacob didn't understand why she would possibly need to accuse his para of sexual contact and then accuse her of lying about it. Did he need a new attorney?

He was six, sitting in the sun with Rebecca. Her auburn hair was down that day, and he remembered turning to count the freckles on her arm.

"What are you doing?" She had chuckled.

Jacob ignored her until he got to ten and his vision became blurry. "I was counting your sprinkles. They're like mine."

He held up his arm and Rebecca's smile warmed his tiny body from the constant chill it felt. But he didn't smile back. "Well, I've never heard them called sprinkles but you're right! You're a creative little genuis, Jack."

He remembered feeling a throb somewhere under him and growing faint. Maybe Oliver would let him count his sprinkles later instead of playing at bedtime.

"Jacob Olfax, please approach the stand."

He felt his bladder threaten to give out right then. He couldn't move. It was discussed many times that he had to do this in order to solidify convictions, but he was trapped within himself. He. Literally. Couldn't. Move.

Then he heard a voice as clear as day in his mind. "You can do it, Jacob! I believe in you! I'm here."

He rose from his chair just as the Judge was about to ask him again. If Steven was with him, he could do it. He had to at least try. "Stay."

"I'll do my Universe best."

The walk to the stand took eons. Jacob could feel his hair turning grey, he could feel crows feet and wrinkles etching themselves into his skin. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, he tingled from head to toe with the worst feeling in the world that had no name.

By the time he reached his seat he was out of breath and around 95 years old.

As if he weren't suffering enough, Brian walked up to him with that winning smile. Chills raced up and down his spine. Elizabeth had warned him but nothing could really prepare him. He just had to live through it.

"Breathe in, breathe out. I'm still here."

Jacob breathed a cleansing breath rather loudly and Brian raised an eyebrow. "Are you alright, Mr. Olfax?"

His mouth opened on its own. "Yes, Sir, I'm alright."

"Tell me about school, Jacob."

School? He hadn't really a clue how that pertained to him being brutally assaulted for 12 years but he stilled his nerves. "School was fine."

Shonda cleared her throat. "Can you elaborate that for the record?"

"School was my safe place. I liked school and it was easy." School was the only place he ever really went after Oliver started raping him. It was be there, or be at home, and he quickly started to prefer school to home. "School was where Rebecca was."

Brian cocked his head as if he were curious. "Jacob, did you know Rebecca was trying to adopt you?" He shook his head, unable to speak but Brian didn't seem to believe him. "Speak up, son."

"I did not." He glanced around trying to find her but Brian started talking rather loudly in a booming voice that made him afraid.

"It's not uncommon for children to make up stories about their parents to gain attention. Did you lack attention from a female parental figure at home?"

Elizabeth frowned. "Objection! This is irrelevant."

"Overruled," Shonda declined, motioning to Brian. "Please continue."

Brian started to pace. "How was your relationship with your mother? I heard she passed recently, I'm sorry for your loss."

It slipped out before he could think about it, "I'm not."

The jury started murmuring and Brian grew a confused look. "Was your relationship not well?"

Feeling stupid and small Jacob muttered, "She ignored me almost all of the time. Tiff didn't want anything to do with me."

"And Rebecca did?"

Tears welled in his eyes finally, a little release that only turned into more grief. "Yes. Rebecca was kind to me."

It hadn't hit him until just then, but he realized he'd always wished Rebecca were his mother instead. More often than not, thinking about her made him think about the abuse, so he tried not to at all. His stomach made a sound that was indefinitely heard by the entire courtroom and he wanted to groan his discomfort.

Brian nodded slowly and turned to the jury. "In Jacob's area, there were 27 reported cases of child sexual assault the year that Jacob began to complain about illness. Two were in his class. This is also the same year the playground expired for its safety and needed to be updated, but the school did not decide to rebuild until two years later and earned a licensing fee." He circled back around to Jacob. "Did you ever play on the playground after the alleged assaults began?"

"N-not really. I was in pain." Playing on the slide made his undercarriage hurt worse, he had no energy to play with the other kids most days. Running was out of the question, so was wrestling or sports.

"Moving along, did you ever wish Rebecca was your mother instead of Tiff?" Hadn't he already asked that? Was he looping?

He wanted to say yes, but it hadn't ever really crossed his mind loud enough to grab onto. It did happen, but there was a large exception. "I-I don't know. No, but I liked–,"

"Just answer the question," Brian demanded. "Did you or did you not wish Rebecca was your mother instead?"

"Yes." He dropped his head and stared down at his pants. "I liked her very much."

Silence.

His bladder gave another warning. It made him so afraid he almost pissed himself right then and there. What would happen? Would they know? He'd have to leave the stand eventually, they'd notice the stain and stink and he'd be humiliated for the rest of his life.

What would his wife think of his weakness? What would his partners whisper about when he fell asleep with deep exhaustion to escape the days horrors?

"Jacob?" He looked to the Judge and he must have looked awful because she pursed her lips. "Are you able to continue?"

"I'm alright." He snuffled and wiped at his face only to find no tears. They must have evaporated. Did it look like he was faking?

Oh god, it must look like he was faking it. Shouldn't he be shaking more and crying and throwing a fit? The jury was probably already coming to a conclusion, they thought he was a liar.

"Stop it. Focus, Jacob."

"Jacob, tell me about your high school record," Brian requested. "Did you get in trouble a lot?"

He flushed and nodded, but the judge asked him to speak it aloud. "Yes. I was troubled."

"Interesting. If I may approach the stand?" The Judge waved him over and Jacob's heart raced with anxiety. What was he showing?

"Jacob, in high school you had multiple incidents of sexual interactions on school ground–,"

"Objection!" Elizabeth slammed her papers down and gave Brian a nasty look.

"Strike that from the records," Shonda told the stenographer typing away. To Brian, she gave him a stern, "Move along. Your evidence is null and heartless."

He looked a bit miffed but smoothed out his blazer. "I apologize. No further questions."

Jacob watched Elizabeth stand and something within him warned of danger. She looked determined like she had when she'd made Rebecca cry. "Jacob, do you remember the first time your father came into your room?"

He almost gagged, but nodded. He quickly corrected himself. "Yes. I remember it clearly."

Her face turned sympathetic. "Tell me about it."

"I don't want to," He whimpered pitifully. The room was closing in on him and he put a hand over his heart as it started racing so fast he feared it would fail him. "I-I can't."

"We call for a recess, Your Honor."

When Jacob blinked again the courtroom was empty, Stevens presence was gone, and Elizabeth was calling his name. "Jacob, can you hear my voice?"

"I can't do it, I thought I could but I can't!" He dropped his head into his hands and cried out his frustration. He was shaking and sweating and his bladder would give out if he moved.

"Jacob, you can do this!" She rebutted ardently. "You've survived this long, you've made yourself into a popstar and you have wife and partners that love you! If you don't do this now, we might not ever get the chance to see this through. They could drop the charges and Oliver could be set free."

Her passion made him look up at her. "They'd let him go?"

Her eyebrows furrowed. "The evidence while clear is nearly passed the statute of limitations. If we cancel now, it's likely they'll be discarded before the next trial."

"Can I see my partners?" He pleaded weakly. "Please, it would help so much."

"I'm sorry, we can't do that before the end of the trial unless a miracle occurs," She sighed heavily. "But they'll be in here to support you."

It took everything in him not to start acting like a child, to cry for a blanket for his chills or someone to rub under his ear like his mother used to do. If Adam were here he'd wrap him in his arms and shush him softly, rocking him slowly to soothe him. Jasmin would hug him so hard it would leave him a little sore for awhile and tell him he was her badass strong husband and he needed to make her proud. Alex would melt into his arms sweetly and tell him he loved him. That was it.

He imagined his polycule surrounding him in a silent and loving hug. He imagined the flowery smell Steven had, the strong and safe arms of Hazel, Anna's sweet blue eyes looking into his and Connie's gentle maturity bringing him to a place of comfort.

He inhaled slowly.

He exhaled slower and repeated the process until he was inside of his body. "Can we go to the bathroom first?"

"Make it quick. Good to see you back."

After taking a vengeful piss and imagining Oliver's grave, he wiped, zipped and washed his hands.

He eyes flickered to the mirror and he almost didn't recognize who he saw: a man.

He'd always agreed with people saying he looked boyish and youthful. He did. It was one of the sick reasons Oliver kept going after puberty. His eyes were just bright enough, his skin was just baby soft enough without a trace of scruff. He looked like a teenager in a sitcom in his eyes.

But now he saw a broad shouldered man hellbent on at the very least surviving the trial so he could hold his wife again. The minor scowl on his face hardened his features but he couldn't get it to go away.

He felt his feet hitting the ground this time when he walked back up to the stand and sat down. For the first time since he'd started he found his friends to look them over.

Steven's eyes were pink and he had seemed to be staring at him first. He gave him a desolate smile and nodded to him his respect. His encouragement meant the world.

Anna's cheeks reddened when she looked at him and he couldn't help his minor chuff of laughter. She was so cute. What the hell was she thinking about that she looked like a deer in headlights? Her hand raised to wave shyly and his grin grew microscopically.

Adam was leaned up against Hazel with his face buried in his chest. Hazel stroked over the top of his head and Adam nodded hard. He leaned up and let out a breath before grabbing Jasmin's hand.

She was also staring at him. Her eyes had fire in them and the glare she was giving him was so beautiful he wanted to leap over the podium and kiss the life out of her. And of course, his Trophy Husband was giving him the same look. Sometimes he felt like he was married to twins and it made him cheese like a complete idiot.

Until Oliver walked in. His eyes turned to him now to watch in disgust that the animal had been let back out of his pigpen. Oliver looked back as if he were sad and tired, but he could swear his eyes dropped to what he was wearing for the briefest of seconds.

Like he was undressing him even now.

Another flashback of him murmuring into his ear at 16, "You've grown into yourself so well, Jacob. It's sexy."

He put every iota of hatred into his gaze until Oliver went pale. He stumbled and the accompanying officer dipped to help him up.

Jacob smirked and he didn't care who saw his maliciousness.

"Calling court to order for the case of Olfax versus Olfax after a ten minute recess. Our prosecuting attorney Elizabeth asks that the prosecutions last statement be stricken from the record. The motion is carried. Elizabeth, when you're ready."

Jacob ripped his eyes away from Oliver to the judge and when she smiled, he tried to back. It was barely there but he was sure she saw it.

Elizabeth stood and addressed the jury. "I'd like to call to evidence the pictures and videos we received from two of the several people that were there the day Jacob found it. I'd advise the jury to brace themselves."

Jacob felt the color drain from his face, but he locked his eyes onto the screen just long enough to see a thankfully non-explicit picture.

He hadn't looked at any of his childhood pictures in years. He'd stopped smiling during elementary and it had stayed gone until a giant fake one had appeared. It made him feel empty, like he had lost those years and had been shoved into being a broken adult.

It was blurry almost entirely but one could see his face. He was crying hard and gripping the sheets in horrible pain. The angle of the camera was high and he looked around six. He wondered if he should clarify that his father had started light and worked his way up to this. He could remember screaming, "Take it out!" over and over to thin air apparently.

"This is a photograph taken from the evidence. It shows Jacob Olfax as a child in the middle of one of the 4,815 suspected assaults that happened between the ages of him being 4 and 17," She announced loudly.

Four thousand, eight hundred and fifteen... That was an estimated near five thousand times Oliver had put his hands on him in a perverse way. Nearly five thousand times he had screamed in pain or sobbed as quietly as he could. Nearly five thousand times that he carried as quietly as he could.

Nearly five thousand times.

Brian stood. "Objection. there are only approximately 4,749 days in an average ten year period."

"We had a team of highly skilled Special Victims Unit captains and detectives go through them..." She cycled through more, some more gruesome than others that Jacob couldn't even see past the blindness and hopeless dread he felt looking at his face.

The last one she landed on was him at 17, wincing and bracing himself. He could see the muscle he'd been packing on quickly with his rages. It occurred to him that he had told the story wrong. His brain must have scrambled it, that was indefinitely the shirt he wore at 17 most often. Guilt poured into him, and then more as he realized his partners probably thought he'd lied to their faces.

"We have dates, we have times, and we have exactly 4,815 distinct differences between videos and pictures between dates and times!" Elizabeth exploded passionately, livid in her rant. "In what world could we even doubt a tiny bit that Oliver Olfax raped his defenseless son for 13 years?! How can anyone see the exact evidence presented before us today and call Jacob Olfax a liar?"

Shonda shook her head in disgust but gave Elizabeth a stern look. "I implore you to lower your voice, Elizabeth. Go on."

"It gets darker," She revealed, turning to face Jacob. "Jacob, you've reported that you're in therapy, yes?"

"Yes, Ma'am. It's done me well." He felt it had. Having an outside source to tell things that he could never admit to his partners had been terrible at first, but then it had eased. He trusted Jeanne with his darkest secrets.

She smiled. "That's good. We asked Jeanne Grenvik to send a letter of testimony to the courts for this trial, as she could not make it herself though she wanted to." It appeared on the board and she read it aloud. "Jacob Olfax has been my patient for 4 years. He's a lively and funny young man, well loved, and kind natured. Underneath all of that is a man who lives in constant pain and misery. Even after all these years of emotional torment and neglect that have passed, he carries an unbelievably heavy burden. He reports the same experiences that war veterans have categorized with flashbacks, daymares, panic attacks, and chronic fatigue, along with an intense fear of men. He has also exhibited symptoms of the following: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, C-PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Clinical Depression. He expressed a desire to change the way he feels about himself. He expressed guilt that "eats him alive" and fears he does not know how to love without ulterior motive. He has been doing well with attending sessions after a brief period of not coming. He is highly intelligent, and we have been working through EMDR therapy for two months with small, but mighty progress."

Elizabeth turned to Jacob and the twinkle in her eye said to get ready. "Jacob Olfax has a history of sexual delinquency, a common side effect of being assaulted consistently for years. That's correct, isn't it, Jacob?"

He sighed. "Yes. It's all I knew how to do."

She nodded cynically and stopped right in front of him. "Tell me, did you ever... entice your father to come to bed with you?"

Jacob tipped his head and really thought about that. He didn't care who saw him think. "Not even once."

She hummed. "Why didn't you fight back?"

"I tried and he slapped me. It only took one time." He could still feel the sting and shock he'd felt that night. It was the only time his father had hit him, but he remembered it like it had happened minutes ago. He looked so furious and murderous, Jacob remembered being worried he would kill him when he was done.

"And where was your mother? Why did she not intervene?" She inquired with an edge.

Jacob felt another rush of gratefulness that she was in the ground. "She told me that she knew. She was doing cocaine."

"How do you know it was cocaine?"

A corner of his lip lifted, he couldn't help it.

He knew what she was doing. She was building up something big and he was ready. She was on his team, he had to remember, so he let every emotion bubble to the surface and his face dropped into a frown again. "One time, I copied her to see what she was doing. It was definitely cocaine."

"Allegedly," She corrected. "Jacob, why do you think Tiffany Olfax knew you were being allegedly raped?"

"She told me before she died."

Elizabeth played the video Connie had taken before Tiffany had died, and Jacob could only bear to keep his eyes on Jaden.

The jury muttered amongst each other in surprise, and the Judge made a sound of fury when she called him names.

"She also told me one morning at tea time." He remembered her frayed hair and ragged voice and the saucer she was using. "And I've heard her say to take out Oliver's urges on me instead. And then called me a husband stealing bastard slut."

"No need to over explain," She deadpanned. "When did it stop?"

"At 17."

She brought up the last picture again. "This is the last video we have. Do you remember this video being taken?"

He hadn't realized it was a video and felt icy sickness creeping up his fingers. "I do."

"What occurred?"

"He raped me."

"Details, Jacob!"

He flinched when Brian stood to object again but was overruled. He'd not thought a second about it, it was instinctual but he forced himself to speak the truth as his eyes slipped shut. "It was after school on a Wednesday afternoon, perhaps before tea. Dinner. He walked into my bedroom and I was sitting. Waiting for him."

"Why were you waiting?" She crossed her arms. "Why weren't you... I dunno, hiding or at after school activities so you could escape for longer?"

He blushed and stammered, "I-I don't know. I got into the habit."

"The habit of what? Waiting for your father to come and rape you?" She accused aggressively.

Pins and needles filled him, this wasn't what he'd had in mind. His eyes widened with fear because he was under oath and could not lie, or hide if she kept prodding. "No! Well, yes–,"

"That's what it was, wasn't it?" Jacob imagined his partners recoiling in disgust at what a pervert he was. He felt so guilty as his own attorney nearly shouted, "You waited patiently for him to come because that's what he always did and you were ready!"

He shrunk into himself and cowered like a loser. His vision tunneled to her and he nodded miserably. "But it wasn't—,"

"You were waiting for him to come and rape you instead of fighting because you wanted it to happen!" Jacob felt himself regress and progress so that he was so old he was a four year old wondering why Daddy was telling him new things. Blood rushed everywhere and he was sure he'd throw up. "You knew he would come and the consistency it provided was a comfort to you!"

He broke down out of nowhere instead of just dying. "Yes! I was trained! It was the only thing I knew! It was how I told time! I was just a kid and I knew he would be there because he was always there torturing me and making me feel like a monster!"

He dropped his head on the podium and cried, pleased to find a trash can that he immediately started to be sick into. It was too much, the sudden spike of his blood pressure was making him dizzy all over again. Where had his bravado gone? He was a child again in the worst way and he was thankful he'd gone because he felt himself going limp and helpless.

Like a child.

He was four again.

He was six again.

He was 17 again.

How many times had Oliver continued raping him even after he threw up or wet himself?

Too many times. So many times!

Every time he tried to compose himself he broke down all over again. He was a crying, sniveling pathetic mess. And the entire world was watching, his entire world was watching.

His partners now knew the depth of his emotional torment.

Elizabeth nodded to the Judge smugly. "No further questions."

Shonda turned to Oliver. "Does the defendant have anything to say for himself?"

His attorney shook his head but Oliver stood anyways. "I apologized."

"You broke into my house of residence," Jacob seethed through tears. "You continuously contacted me and when I wouldn't respond, you broke into our house and tried to force me to come back to London with you! I had a seizure because of what I found! I had to go to the hospital!"

"But I apologized after I found God, don't you believe, son?" He pleaded brokenly.

"What in the bloody hell is wrong with you?" Jacob cried, shooting out of his chair. "Have you no shame for what you've done to me?! Did my weeping mean nothing to you?"

"Order in the court, Jacob and Oliver sit down this instance!"

"Of course, but the past is in the past!"

"That past is not in the past!" Jacob roared. He could feel the blood rushing to his face as every iota of fury was released in one world shattering explosion. "It's with me every fucking day! When I lay with my wife I have to make sure I'm not going to start having flashbacks! I can't even begin to describe to you the amount of times I've found myself in puddles of piss as a grown man trembling in the dark in fear of what you've done to me! You've made me a broken, angry shell! I will never ever forgive you for what you've done to me!"

"Sit down or be in violation of court order and charged with contempt!" Shonda shouted, banging her gavel as an officer stepped up to Jacob's booth to pull him back into his chair.

"It's alright, son," He muttered softly, tugging on his lapel with extreme caution. "You're alright."

The adrenaline turned to more humiliation than he could bear. He slumped and rested his head in his hands, shaking like a leaf in a storm. It had been building for so long that it simply burst from him the second the dam creaked.

He could hear Jasmin crying and then more people doing the same. He could feel every hair on his body, every drop of blood rushing through him. In that moment of quick quiet he felt the most vulnerable and worthless he'd felt in a long time.

How he longed for Steven to come and sit with him again in psychic ghost world. He ached for it in his soul.

"I call for a recess in which the jury will come to a conclusion on the verdict. Mr. Jacob Olfax is allowed contact with his family under direct supervision and is not to talk about the case. Is that understood?"

Jacob nodded, he must have because she asked him to speak again. "Yes. Thank you."

"You're welcome," She told him with a small ache in her voice. "Dismissed."

Elizabeth motioned for him to follow and he trudged along, too tired to even look up.

In the blink of an eye, he was surrounded in a tight seven person hug. His legs gave out and they held him easily.

They said nothing, but strong arms he couldn't be bothered to open his eyes to see carried him to a small couch in the room and he fell asleep sprawled over their laps. Someone was holding his hand with a death grip, someone dropped a kiss to his cheek.

A tear fell on his cheek and tingling wellness slowly enveloped him. He was still tortured, but he could feel his blood pressure stabilizing.

He made a mental note to congratulate Steven on his progress with healing. After Adam's iron deficiency he'd wanted to evolve his healing and it was undoubtedly working.

"Keep going. You're almost there."

He opened his eyes and people were filling back into the courtroom. What was wrong with the passage of time? One minute things were droning on, the next he was living life in second long scenes.

He frowned and headed back to the podium but Elizabeth stopped him. "Take a load off. You're done, Jacob."

Relieved like he'd never felt before, he thudded into his chair and didn't bother scooting closer to the desk. There was another trash can he prepared to use if they found him not guilty.

His stomach churned cheerfully as if it simply couldn't wait to see if it could invert itself into the rubbish.

Shonda sat and sighed heavily, looking over her notes and the evidence again. "Has the jury reached a conclusion?"

A petite redhead stood and nodded. "Yes. We the jury find Oliver Olfax..."

Jacob's body seized with anticipation. Was he going to have another seizure? His GP had warned him of avoiding intense emotional distress until his brain had fully recovered, but Oliver being found not guilty would destroy him.

He'd never eat again.

He'd never sleep in fear that the man would come to find him again.

He'd probably kill himself the second he got the chance. How would he do it? Well, a bullet to the head would work. It'd be seconds at most. But would Steven bring him back forever? No... no, Steven probably would be so distraught his powers would fizzle out and he'd have been gone for too long. It gave him comfort and peace, he would get to be done with the intensely heavy burden he carried.

He could set it down.

He could leave his wife in the care of good people.

He'd have to leave a note for Adam forcing him not to follow in his footsteps. One for Alex too. Probably one for everyone.

Jacob prepared to die and thought of his best memories in case the second he got out he tried and succeeded to end it all. Out of the despair came triumph. Even if Oliver was found not guilty, he could escape him forever and ever. He could rest easy knowing he didn't have to think about it ever again, he'd never disassociate or lose his temper because he couldn't handle the stress of what his father had done, he'd just have to break the only people he truly loved's hearts one more time.

Just one more time, and he would be free.

"Guilty, on all accounts."

His polycule burst into cheering but it was muffled. Elizabeth sat politely but under the table he could see her pumping a fist. Oliver cried out in protest but Shonda shut him down. "Oliver Olfax, you are charged with the following,"

"Possessing Pornography of a Minor, Criminal Sexual Assault, Endangerment of a Child, Child Negligence in the Second Degree, Six counts of Child Molestation, 15 counts of Rape in the First Degree, Unlawful Sexual Contact With a Minor, Extreme Pornography in The First Degree, Indecent Images of a Child, Indecent Assault, Indecent Exposure of a Child, one count of Aggravated Sexual Assault, Gross Indecency, 12 counts of Incest One, Rape of A Male In the First Degree, Serial Rape in the First Degree and Statutory Rape in the First Degree." Finally she let some more emotion out, breaching a bit of professionalism as she snarled at him. "The evidence here is too strong to fight, so I suggest you shut your mouth. You have exhibited a ruthless callousness for your son's wellbeing and a despicable attraction to him for too long. You're going to prison forever, Oliver. I sentence you to 15 consecutive life sentences in His Majesty's Prison Belmarsh. No parole."

Cheering from before had been a mere whisper apparently. He could hear his polycule sobbing with relief. He imagined his Jasmin and Alex hugging each other and longed to watch but was paralyzed again. Connie was probably riding a high, Jacob's hero when all was said and done, but trying to be polite because this wasn't about her.

Oliver was looking at him begging him to take it back, his eyes were so sad.

Jacob could feel his lungs expanding as he raised a hand to give him one last vigorous fuck you.

"I'm sorry, son!" He was struggling against the guards lugging him back. "You know I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Jacob looked right into his scummy soul. "You'll die in there, Oliver."

Elizabeth patted his arm. "I'm very sorry for triggering you. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"What will come of the pictures and videos?" Some part of him found fear that they'd be leaked to the public and he'd never be able to show his face again. "They won't go on the telly?"

She clicked her pen a few times and shrugged sadly. "This is a very big case. One of the most vile rape crimes the UK has seen in decades. It's part of why I wanted this case so badly, I won't lie to you. There's reporters outside but you'll be escorted out. You'd be right not to respond to them at all. They're animals as I'm sure you know."

Oh yes, as a band they'd had plenty of times being surrounded with reporters willing to do anything to get a statement, including cornering and shoving cameras in their faces. When Steven glowed they tended to stay at a more respectable difference, so they'd started staying closer to him though a few brave souls would skitter a bit closer. "Of course."

When he walked out and Jasmin tried to hug him, he held out a hand. "I can't be touched."

Her arms dropped and she choked up but she tried to smile. "I'm here when you're ready."

He nodded and looked out at the sunny day. He knew where he wanted to go so he walked off.

*

The car ride was quiet, all of them could feel that one of them was missing and hurting and they could do nothing to stop it.

"He didn't get the electric chair," Adam mumbled, pulling his legs up to his chest. "I'm so..."

"Disappointed," They chorused quietly.

"How do we help?" Steven could finally glow his discontent and it was so bright he winced himself. "Sorry."

"I think I'm too exhausted to glow," Anna mumbled, fiddling with her hair. "His attorney was kind of crazy. I was starting to think she was going to lose."

"But it worked." Connie's tone was firm and triumphant enough that they turned to see her wiping her eyes. "He's going to jail for the rest of his life because his crimes were so heinous that Elizabeth knew just what buttons to press to show everyone how traumatized Jacob was. She took a great risk, and got Jacob a great reward." She leaned against Steven and he pulled her into his lap protectively. "I just wish it wasn't at his expense."

Alex opened his eyes and looked around like he'd heard something, then he put a hand over his heart. "We have to find Jacob."

Hazel nodded. "Right. I think I know where he went."

They found him exactly where Hazel thought he might be: leaning against the brick fence of his childhood home. "Welcome to Hell."

"The world is a hellish place, isn't it?" Adam crossed his arms thoughtfully, ignoring the warning stares of his partners. "Good thing we have each other."

Jacob smiled but it melted away quickly. "Right. I suppose that can be true if you wanted it to be. I could move back in here and stew in my shit and misery until I die. You wouldn't have to deal with me anymore," He finished wistfully. There was almost a look of peace on his face, everything was out in the open and while he was drowning in despair, it was over.

"You'll have to kill me," Steven rebutted. "Good luck with that, by the way. I happen to be notoriously difficult to kill."

Jacob turned to see his darling wife glaring up at him. "Dammit, Jacob. You're not allowed to push me away. Nothing has changed."

"Everything has changed," He growled. "He's gone and killed me all over again. I have nothing left to give."

They lapsed into silence at his cool fury with them, but Alex sighed dramatically. "Then stop fucking giving. We're not interested."

"Bloody good then. Goodbye."

Alex surged for him and grabbed his shirt. "No! You don't get to goodbye! I don't give a fuck about what you have to give because I'm not taking anything but rest and relaxation! You are going to come home. You are going to cry as long as you want and piss the bed as many times as you need to! You are going to try to starve yourself and I'm going to yell at you until I feel bad and then I'm going to beg on my hands and knees until you at least take a bite! You're going to grieve and you're gonna let us take care of you or so help me God I will tie you down myself until you're ready to be loved, dammit!"

Jacob blinked rapidly and turned crimson so deeply Alex let go and started to apologize but he glared at the ground. "I'm not going to piss the bed. I'm an adult."

"As many times as you need can be zero," Alex pointed out with a roll of his eyes. "Don't make me sic the Daddy Doms on you."

Jasmin popped a hip. "That's not a bad idea."

By the time they got home, Jacob had slept nearly 22 hours straight, only awakening for short periods where Steven couldn't carry him. When he was carried he clung and mumbled he wasn't hungry and Alex yelled at him in the middle of a busy airport until he took a tiny bite of a cheeseburger, swallowed, and started snoring again.

Pluto tucked him in bed and kissed his forehead lovingly, sitting on the rocking chair he'd pulled up next to him. "Good night, Jack. Go to sleep."

He'd needed to sleep alone. He couldn't bear to have anyone else very close to him while he was so vulnerable and aching. Touch was almost entirely off the table, he could tell every jumpy movement and his shifting eyes were hurting their feelings but he couldn't control it.

They never made it his problem, but sometimes he could hear them crying as he dozed in and out of sleep.

When he was awake enough to interact he smoked so much he got sick multiple times, once even needing to be given fluids because he was so severely dehydrated. He'd begged them not to take him to a hospital and Hazel once again proved to be the perfect nurse. Connie called up one of her mothers old friends and got a bag of Intravenous Fluids, and because Hazel had administered it so many times to his sister, with a doctors supervision he was able to find the vein and slide in the needle.

The doctor patted his shoulder. "I want you to know how incredibly illegal this is."

"Who cares?" Alex muttered. "As long as he doesn't die or get sicker, who fucking cares?"

Pluto stayed up with him most nights, and every time he'd have a nightmare of the trial and wake up with a sharp gasp of fear, Pluto would catch his eye and coo, "Go back to sleep, you're okay. Nothing can hurt you like that ever again."

His eyes would slip shut again as Plutos charmspeak lulled him to a place of blackness and serenity.

Being conscious was hard. Sometimes he felt the task of showering sucking his soul out of his body. They'd would check on him at 5 minute intervals and if he hadn't moved in three cycles (which was admittedly often) they would undress and clean him themselves. Touch didn't trigger him then for some reason, maybe the shower made it better, he didn't know.

Sometimes they'd talk to him. Anna caught him once and grabbed a towel out of their closet before undressing and sliding in. "Okay, I'll try to make this quick."

She worked efficiently from top to bottom, scrubbing behind his ears and adjusting him when she needed to get tucked away or private areas. It crossed his mind that she would make a lovely mother one day, but all he could do was count the tiles on the walls until it was over.

Anna wrapped him in a towel and used hers to dry his hair. "There he is. I don't know why but every time you come out of the shower your freckles show more. It's super cute."

Day 12 he was able to tell his therapist everything that had happened in a torrent of emotion, but found his memory was spotty. "I don't remember much else."

Jeanne nodded her understanding. "You just went through a traumatic experience. Part of moving on and healing is allowing your partners to help." She gave him a prying look as he made a face. "Have you been sleeping?"

"All the time," He said dryly. "It's all I have the energy to do."

"I'm going to give you an assignment for this week," Jeanne told him with a stern close of her notebook. "Are you ready?"

"I kind of want to die, Jeanne."

"Stay awake for five hours of the day." She did frown at his previous statement and pull out her laptop. "If those thoughts get worse, please tell someone. Anyone."

Jacob groaned his discontent and yawned just at the idea. "Ugh."

But he tried. On Thursday he made it to seven hours but passed out at the dinner table with his head next to a bowl of chicken broth. His stomach was still a tad sensitive and he had no motivation to chew.

Jasmin, Alex and Adam served him smoothies and soft, no chewing involved meals of mashed potatoes and soups and mac and cheese when he was able to stand it. He knew he had put on a couple of pounds and then started to get really skinny. Part of the reason he usually ate so much was because of his stupid high metabolism and working out didn't really help so much as it encouraged his massive appetite. But it was gone now. He knew he was probably pale and sickly looking, which did squat for his self esteem.

Connie knocked on the door and he opened his eyes to see it was two in the afternoon. He'd fallen sleep at seven the previous evening. "Alright, day 14 is halfway over. Come with me."

He wanted to curl up and hide but she... sounded so much like Priyanka. Though it was short lived her parents had taken him under their wing only to be ripped away by a car accident. He'd buried those feelings but they came welling up again immediately.

She led him to her house and peeked over her shoulder conspiratorially before ushering him inside. "We don't have much time."

They found Steven on the balcony strumming his 12 string guitar idly with hands so skilled he made the instrument almost look like a beginner could have a go at it. "Jacob, I'm glad you're here."

"Me too." Diamond. Jacob almost apologized for triggering Steven so badly but Diamond was a step ahead of him. "It's on purpose. He's okay."

He sat next to Star and he sighed deeply. "When we're not fused, I feel like everything that he's ever protected my feelings with has been stripped away. I'm weak like this. Vulnerable to everything. I am the part of Steven that all of the mental illness and hurt ended up. I'm the reason Steven wets the bed sometimes."

Jacob glanced at Connie, who was picking at the skin on her hands. She'd started doing it recently he'd noticed, it looked like she'd been healed though because it used to be red. "A completely valid reaction to life altering situations that turn into PTSD."

"Quit picking at your hands, Connie," Diamond demanded softly, ushering her over to sit on his lap.

Star fiddled with the guitar again, riffing on as if he didn't just reveal something humiliating. "We don't have the same trauma, but we have similar results mental health wise. I tried to push everyone away. Then I tried to trap them when I realized they'd leave me." He turned to look Jacob in his eye. "And then Jasper made me angry, so I stopped thinking and decided murder was a reasonable reaction to being told I'm weak because in reality, I am still a confused, angry teenager full of so much self hate I could rip this planet apart and feel very little remorse if I so chose. But I couldn't." He broke eye contact and sighed nostalgically. "I met you right about when elections were happening. I remember at Nova noticing when you and Jasmin were fighting. I remembered that you never gave up. I don't know what went on and I'm not going to ask, but you stuck with it so valiantly that now you are married to the very woman you used to lose your temper with and you guys are really happy. You have a high tolerance for being knocked down, and I'm intensely jealous every time you get back up even if Steven will always cheer when you do. I wish I had even half a mind not to collapse easier than a folding chair every time I so much as feel mildly rejected or slightly burn Connie's toast. I'm selfish, too. I always want to be the hero and think I have the best way and the best ideas. I can be manipulative and terrible, even to my wife that I would kill again for. I guess the point of my rambling is to simply clarify one thing."

Jacob had tears running down his face in waterfalls, waiting for Star to continue. He just sat with his instrument like he was in no rush until Jacob uttered, "What 'tis it?"

He grinned at a bird flying by. "Occasionally, violence is the answer. Without it, I'd have probably ended up a psychopath with no way to feel bad about it. It would've bottled up until I became the next villain in my own story."

Connie nodded for him to follow her to her car, and drove him to a little obscure building on the outskirts of town.

They checked his size and put him in what he was sure was a hazmat suit but he was so tired and confused he didn't protest. They walked him into a room full of stuff: a printer on a desk, a table with chairs, a TV, a stack of pizza boxes, multiple panels of large hanging glass and various other items.

He turned to see Connie hold up her phone and hit a timer.

What was he supposed to do?

A gentleman walked in and handed him a giant hammer. "They've booked the room for you all day, so there's no rush. If you run out of stuff to break just hit the buzzer and we'll move more in."

Oh. He was left alone again and Connie was sitting away from the window reading a book and eating an apple. She glanced up and tilted her head before blowing him a kiss he felt all the way from 20 feet away.

The hammer was heavy. How the hell was he supposed to swing the damn thing when he was so weak and tired? Wasn't breaking stuff when he was angry bad?

He milled about, trying to find any rage within himself and finding an empty void of nothing. He felt nothing but intensely suicidal. That sucked, but did not make him want to break things. It was an ill and irrational way to deal with one's anger, it probably would make him feel guilty.

He was so tired of feeling guilty. When push came to shove he knew he hadn't done anything wrong. It genuinely could not be equated to being his fault when he was a child. Not even when he was a teen. He knew that deep down, even if he had waited.

Ugh, why was he letting Oliver turn him into a lame ass who slept all day? His wife and two Trophy Husbands were cleaning and cooking and doing all the work he preferred to do most of. He hadn't been able to sleep in the same bed as them for two weeks.

His hand clenched the hammer and he hauled off to break into a desk.

It punctured it but didn't break it and his temper boiled to the surface. He hit it again and again until he was tearing it apart with hits so violent he was sure they'd throw him in the loony bin for the rest of his life. He smashed a computer and slammed the TV into little pieces. Hitting one of the glass panels gave him a surge of dopamine as it shattered and the glass crunched under his feet.

Why did it have to be him?

He totaled a dining room chair and used his hands to pull the legs off and break those too.

Why did Rebecca have to leave him?

He cried out and broke the table with one mighty swing of rage.

Why didn't Tiffany love him? What had he done to not deserve a mother so young?

Next the printer met a painful demise, as did the microwave next to it.

What a terrible, terrible world to live in.

He dropped the hammer as he spotted a crowbar and shattered more glass, then broke a porcelain statue until it was dust. Once he started, he couldn't stop until he reached the very last thing.

Oliver's booking photos. Three hung next to each other in bulky wooden frames as Oliver took his mugshots. He noticed his hair was turning silver, and he had a bruise on the side of his face.

He screamed and used every single weapon he could find to decimate and destroy the pictures until there was nothing to do but curl up into a ball and wail his pain.

His tears were dripping onto the face protective covering and siding down, he took a mild interest in it as he wept. There was something captivating about his sorrow having physical proof in the form of a liquid. For some reason, he felt like it should be solid, it should turn into glass.

He gained a new appreciation for glass and rose to his feet as he eyed the debris. "One more time, and then I'm done."

Jacob only got halfway before he longed to be held and forget everything else. He needed a hug, and after he found Star, he needed to find his Mains and let them sit with him for a while.

Connie rubbed under his ear when he sank into her arms gratefully. "Being angry makes you tired, and you have every right to be tired and angry." Her hand rubbed his back and he couldn't even cry, he was too absorbed in how human touch felt when it was given out of pure love with no strings attached.

"I love you."

"Oh, Jacob. I love you too." She pulled away to cup his cheeks and stare into his eyes that showed she really did love him, rubbing circles over his cheeks. She was definitely babying him, but he couldn't bring himself to make her stop when it felt so good.

They stood there for a while while she cooed and kissed all over his face with gentleness, murmuring again and again how she adored him so, that she just wanted him to grieve as long as he needed to, that she wasn't judging him and how proud she was.

It was so nice.

His court case was indeed on the news even in America, and his name was spoken but it didn't trigger him like he thought it would. People were sending him messages of encouragement that eventually tapered out but it was meaningful nonetheless.

Adam was making kebabs on the grill one evening while Jacob leaned against Jasmin. "I feel like a child."

Adam glanced over his shoulder at him. "Do what you need to do. You happen to be very in luck with the vast array of partners you have to comfort you."

Was he mad at him? "Are you mad at me?" He asked shyly. "It feels like you're mad at me."

"Of course not, honey," He consoled gently. "No one is upset with you in any way, shape or form. We're just still processing."

The statement surprised Jacob. He'd thought everyone else had moved on past taking care of him, but looking around at them they were all solemn and stone cold serious. Not a single smile could be found. "Oy, chin up a bit for me, yeah?"

Adam dropped what he was doing and whirled around with bright eyes. "What did you say?"

Jacob leaned up wearily but stared at the table. "I said chin up!"

Someone let out a sound like they were decompressing and Jacob watched Hazels face slowly get covered in tears. They made eye contact before he ripped his away to stare at the grooves of the table. "I'm encouraged enough to take shift tonight," He announced.

Jasmin almost declined him but Jacob squeezed her hand. "S'alright. If he wants to, be my guest."

That night Hazel dressed him, brushed his hair, got him water and supervised him taking a piss. Jacob watched the stream grow weaker with growing horror. "Oh, fuckall. Am I on Suicide Watch?"

"Complete with shackle nurses and five minute checks," Hazel confirmed. "Finish washing your hands and come lay in bed."

Jacob groaned from the pit of his stomach as he plopped down into the comforter face first. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing at all. It's what's wrong with the world." The Brit peeked out to see Hazel rocking slowly. His big strong arms sat on the arm rests, eyes full of untold secrets and gentleness made him yearn for human touch again. He pushed off and approached Hazel, causing the man to raise a slightly concerned eyebrow. "Is everything okay?"

He said nothing, but grabbed the blanket from the bed and climbed onto his lap. Hazel was so much bigger than he'd previously perceived due to Steven's constant close proximity, but his lap was comfortable, he was warm in the same way Steven was, and when he gasped softly and squeezed him in a hug, he nuzzled into his neck to fall asleep right there. He smelled like coconuts or
something, like cocoa body wash maybe.

Hazel kept rocking him, his head on top of his, at an exactly even pace for 12 hours straight with not an ounce of sleep.

At 11, he woke up screaming out of a nightmare and started sobbing. Hazel tanked a few accidental elbows to the chest and shushed him gently. "It's just me, non-scary black man, Hazel Tabb!"

Through his tears, Jacob choked out a weak laugh. "S'not funny! Angry blacks is a hurtful and derogatory stereotype made by small minded ignorant fucks with low IQ's. Anyone can poke a bear with a sharp stick and call it hostile so they can kill it, the same does not apply to human beings burdened with intense psychological and physiological trauma that stems from years of generational suffering."

Hazel moved him back into his lap and kissed all over his face. "There he is again. My Jacob."

His Jacob? As a grown man at 27 he got butterflies and pushed into the sweet kisses more, sighing his bliss. "That makes me feel nice," He mumbled shyly. "I think I'm ready to be touched again more." Hazel almost stood but Jacob gripped his shirt. "By you."

There was silence for so long he had to pull back only to find Hazel crying. "Fuck, I'm sorry. Fucking Steven and his healing tears making it easy to express oneself through lacrimal essence and shit. What a fucking L man, I was trying to Daddy you but now I feel so blessed I don't know what to do with myself."

Jacob brushed his thumb over the bedspread and sighed deeply. "Daddy me then. Maybe I need it, who knows?"

"Kinks do stem from trauma most often."

He looked to the door to see one of his husbands, Adam, grinning from ear to ear. "It's lunchtime, but I'll bring it here."

Hazel kissed his forehead. "I'm a service top. Let me give you a back rub."

Jacob nodded and pulled the blanket up. "That sounds fetching."

*

The next morning he woke up at seven.

It was rather early, but he fought through the exhaustion to find Adam staring down at a box in his hand. They locked eyes and Jacob blushed, being bombarded with flashbacks of the trial.

But Adam smiled at him, even through his tears. He smiled bigger than he'd ever seen him smile at him. "I got you something. It's not derogatory, and it's not a big deal."

Jacob scooted a bit closer and rubbed at his eyes. "Ugh, respectfully I really hope it's not Oliver's booking photos." He'd heard Jasmin raging about it from the bedroom window. They'd had a bonfire for some reason, and Jasmin was livid like she used to get as she called people just trying to encourage him some extremely hurtful things.

"The next person to send those is going to be killed," Adam stated firmly. "Anyways... here."

Jacob took it suspiciously, eyeing Adam's glassy eyes and slumped, almost annoyed posture. Not annoyed, jaded. Possibly numb.

The box was medium heavy and instinctively he shook it. It made him giggle, and Adam smiled with his eyes as he tore into it like a child on Christmas. Who really gave a fuck if he was being messy? He surely didn't. He needed something to look forward to.

Green fabric made him tip his head curiously as he pulled it out of the box. A shirt?

No... a blanket.

It was so soft and high quality that he stared down at it and rubbed it with his thumb for a minute with awe. The edges were luscious satin so smooth he couldn't even feel the grooves.

Jacob started trembling, but Adam cleared his throat and pushed himself out of his seat to grab a small section of it and rub against his cheek. "Lots of adults have comfort items, and with you being hypersensitive to touch, I wondered if it wouldn't help to have something that comforts you when you can't be touched by people, but need something tangible to hold onto. Anna has one, Steven has one..." He wrinkled his nose and sighed. "I have one. Mines heated. I never go anywhere without it. I have a deep, personal relationship with a fucking blanket and it's... ugh, I dunno. Like my favorite thing in the world, or whatever."

Jacob couldn't help but giggle at his lovely partner. He had gone and revealed something new he hadn't known about, and by the stain of pink across his cheeks, he must have some kind of extra-special love to reveal something he thought was important but didn't want to admit it too much. His laughter turned into tears and he kept giggling anyways. "Thank you. It's perfect."

Adam started rubbing again and Jacob rested his forehead on his lips to get a kiss there. "You're welcome."

"Where'd you get it?" The fabric was exquisite, it felt like a cloud against his cheek covered in sprinkles of melanin.

Adam tensed. "U-uhm, th-the blanket... store... online. From Australia."

Jacob leaned back to stare at him. "I'll have to check it out then. This is incredible."

The man in black avoided making eye contact and cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. Definitely."

Jacob nudged him back and spread the blanket out fully so he could see all of it. It was fitted to his bed with his wife and Alex, so he could use it there.

But that's not what made him freeze.

In the middle, embroidered to perfection, was his nickname that only Adam had called him in years, Jack. The luminous cursive was beautiful but he imagined it must have taken a long time. A machine could not replicate the care that went into it, it was done by hand. Under it was a phrase Connie spoke often, "You'll be okay. Not every day, but most days."

He glanced back at the box to find a very tiny version and turned to Adam curiously, who was redder than he'd last seen him. "I haven't a clue what the hell to even call that, but they sent it with your blanket. Something about putting it in your pocket so you don't have to carry a blanket around if you don't want to. Something about... like, comfort being a natural thing all humans need that you shouldn't be embarrassed about."

Jacob smirked. "What a fascinating company."

"Breakfast?"

He shrugged and tucked the tiny blanket in the pocket of his pajamas.

Anna was sitting politely at the dinner table when he arrived and when Adam got into a rhythm, she put a finger to her lips. "Daddy!"

He turned to look at her with gentle eyes. "Baby."

Her lip trembled and she pointed to the basement. "There's a hornet downstairs! I didn't wanna tell you cause I wanted to be a big girl about it but I just saw it again!"

Adam sighed and turned down the burner. "I like honeybees and bumblebees, but I fucking hate hornets. I'll kill it, baby."

She smiled angelically. "Thank you, Daddy."

He disappeared into the basement and Anna grabbed Jacob's hand to pull him towards their house. "He's too smart, we gotta be fast."

"To what? Where are we going?" Jacob couldn't help but smile at Anna's craftiness. Her cheeks turned a little pink and he longed to cuddle her until she was a squeaking mess in his arms. When was the last time he'd gotten to snuggle the sweet woman?

She led him to a room upstairs with a lock on it. "Can you break it?" When Jacob stammered she brightened. "No need." She pulled a bobby pin out of her hair and golden locs of blonde perfection tumbled down to her waist. The last time he remembered looking at her hair it was halfway, but this was beautiful. She picked the lock a bit too easily for how adorable she was with her hair half up in a bow, and pushed it open to reveal a craft room. "This is Adam's hiding place. When we can't find him, he's probably here. He gets shy and awkward sometimes but look."

Look? Jacob couldn't do anything but look. What was probably at most 20 different blankets of the same fabric his blanket was made of were strewn about, abandoned. One had a word misspelled, another the edges hadn't been sewn in the same direction on all sides and the thread had broken. But most of them were perfectly acceptable.

The one in the corner just had a slight wrinkle from the threading being too tight: discarded.

There was one hanging over the window and if he squinted, he could see that the J for Jack was a bit too spaced out by half a millimeter: discarded.

One he couldn't find for the life of him what was wrong with it.

Anna handed him a tissue and nuzzled into his shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with that one. He just made it and hated it with all of his body. I've never seen him so angry with himself."

Jacob wanted to touch it but he heard a groan that was too important to not respond to first. "Ugh, Anna, why?"

"You lied to me."

He didn't turn, but he could feel Adam's blush. "I'm sorry."

He approached the blanket and ran his hand over it, his other shoved in his pocket to feel the other. "Why would you lie to me?"

Adam worked himself up and a loud bang startled him. Adam was staring at a hole in the wall. "I am not good at regulating my emotions, so I do not feel them as often as I can. We're all so fucked up, we're all out of sorts because we can't take the pain away and it's killing us. We miss you... I miss you. But I can't even say that because it'll make you feel bad and—,"

Jacob ripped the blanket off the window to let light in. "I don't feel bad at all. I'm grieving."

"Well, I feel bad for being honest about how I feel and this only solidifies I have gotten too comfortable."

Anna dropped her head and sighed, so Jacob picked Adam up and threw him over his shoulder along with the second blanket to storm into the kitchen. "Family meeting!"

He sat Adam in a chair and got pans to bang against each other loudly. "I said FAMILY MEETING!"

Like warriors they all ran out from various areas: the basement, the houses, from outside.

They stared at him like he was crazy and he smiled big. "Ugh, Jesus Christ. I'm so tired of being sad. We're going out."

Steven frowned. "Now?"

"After I shower for an hour and we eat a nice breakfast together, yes."

Jasmin shuffled up to him. "What are you doing? You need to rest—,"

Jacob picked her up high above his head to observe her and she turned into the cutest cherry in the face. "My lovely, darling wife. Shut your mouth. I'm sick of sleeping, I may never do it again. I want to go Laser Tagging and I swear to god I will wrangle you all up like animals with the utmost respect and we are going to play until we're exhausted and sweaty and then we're going to come home and eat a feast I will be making."

Someone cheered softly, someone else murmured, "Jacob's back. Sorta."

Jasmin frowned. "Did you just tell me to shut up?"

"You can beat my ass in Laser Tag about it, and then you can chew me out in bed later tonight," He assured her warmly, setting her down to hug her against himself. "Ugh, I've missed you so much, Mine. I've missed having a soul and feelings." He started to giggle and caught Alex's eye as a warning he'd be next. "Oh Lord, have I missed having a sex drive!"

He let out a battle cry and climbed on top of the dinner table to stare down his partners staring at him like he'd lost his mind but it had never been clearer. "I now declare this day my Independence Day. Fuck the 4th of July. I am here now on top of the kitchen table with my dirty feet, poor manners and boyishly good looks demanding you join me on an adventure!"

Steven raised his hand in a salute. "Oh, Captain, my Captain."

Connie followed suit. "Oh, Captain, my Captain!"

One by one they joined in ranks of saluting him and Jacob knew he was okay.

It was not the last day he would cry. It was not the last day he would have a panic attack, or a nightmare or a flashback one couldn't bear to discuss, but it was the last day he would feel bad about it.

They only let him win the first two times, but he got so cocky it became an all out war to take him down. "You flimsy cunts haven't got a thing on me, you haven't! I have ascended the ranks and you shall wash my dishes, do my laundry and grovel for the rest of your lives."

Jasmin slammed the button for another round. "Over my dead body."

He raced inside closely followed by his life partners and grinned at the idea of a sweet demise by their hands. He could hear Connie assigning sections and their team huddle dispersing with a roar of, "Take Him Out!"

There wasn't a single moment he got to recover from being shot. As soon as he was about to pull the trigger someone would shoot him and he'd groan his misery, dying as dramatically as possible.

After they were throughly exhausted, he made them fried delights of all worlds. It was the greasy, unhealthy food he missed the most.

Connie stared at the bowl of onion rings. "I didn't know they could get this big."

Adam licked his lips and popped a cheese curd into his mouth. It burned but he nearly cried his delight. "Cheese! Dairy!"

Hazel tried to give him a nasty look but he was so happy he could only giggle and feed him another. "We'll deal with the consequences later."

"I've got mozzarella sticks, nachos, I have wings frying and I'm burnt to all hell from the grease!" Jacob exclaimed ardently. "Will someone please grab—?"

Steven snatched him away from the ovens and stoves to drop to a knee and kiss his hand lovingly. A stronger than normal tingle deepened until he filled with a rich kind of joy he'd never known and he started laughing and crying. "Free serotonin. For my hero."

Jacob blushed heavily and licked his lips. "Might I be so selfish to ask for a real kiss?"

Steven squealed and pulled him into a kiss that further dumped pure ecstasy into him and brought him back alive in the best way. He could hear cheering but Steven held up a hand and placed it over his gem and focused. Bright light filled the room and he produced a saturated, perfect pink rose to present to the man. "Next month, you need to be ready. We have a gift, from all of us to you."

Jacob was a giggling mess but he groaned. Steven was so damn good at wooing people, he felt like fainting and fanning his face. "You guys don't have to spoil me. I'm spoiled enough already and my head is so big it's getting hard to carrying around."

"You'll love it," Alex assured with a kiss to his cheek again and again. "I promise."