Parenting classes with the boys was oddly fun, Adam found himself widely accepted among the ranks of the other fathers there even if he was still a little shy.
 
But they didn't know.

Jacob intertwined their hands and kissed every finger. "Relax, we know these guys now."

"I wish I had a voice," He lamented softly. "I wish I could speak up just one time."

Steven smiled at him. "You can do it, we believe in you."

Adam brightened, Steven's encouragement was just magical in and of itself. "I'll try."

Hazel reappeared from the restroom and a few of the dads in the class intercepted him before he could check on his husband. He smiled largely, Hazel was a people person, and Adam nudged the others away, too. "Go, I'll be fine."

Both frowned. "No way."

Adam tried for a confident fix of his posture. "I'm just going to be on my phone. I'll be fine, I promise."

Steven glanced at Jacob's troubled expression. "I..."

But then he had to pause.

Adam was not some flower they had to protect, in fact more often than not he was protecting them. He was a grown man, and he needed to be treated like one. He caught the way his eyes were a bit misty and felt like he'd been kicked in the gut: Adam thought they were treating him like a girl again when it was far from it.

He fought away an embarrassed glow and nudged Jacob. "Come on, man. He's a grown up, not a baby."

Jacob clenched his fists but nodded. "Right."

They departed and Steven tossed back a look of solidarity and further encouragement Adam met with a small smile. He just had to get over his social anxiety, life wouldn't accommodate for that.

It was weird, Adam hadn't realized he was a homebody until he'd started coming to classes. What annoyed him most was that he should've already known that. It occurred to him that over most of the last decade during his relationship with the polycule, he rarely went out alone and didn't ever really wish to. There was the DJ'ing thing but other than that, he really would rather just be at home, even if everyone was busy or gone. Home was familiar. Home was safe.

And this place wasn't.

He supposed the biggest problem he was facing was that he was in a room of cis men feeling a kind of dysphoria he hadn't felt in years. Being easily the smallest he felt like everyone knew. They had to know, he probably looked like a girl to them. The thought haunted him every time he thought about opening his mouth. Did he sound like a masculine woman to them? Did he look and seem like one? He refused to wear anything but black here and the boys generally wore their usual outfits but he felt like he stood out for reasons way worse than being a goth parent.

Jacob and Steven were joking with the group of guys by the food because both were chronically hungry. Their smiles stretched wide and far, Adam had to turn on his phone again because he was staring so openly at them with love.

There were other gay dads, but not other gay, polyamorous, trans dads. Jaqueline, his therapist, discussed this last week that he possibly was harboring internal transphobia and he'd walked out. He was starting to think maybe Jaqueline had a point because he was just now realizing how deeply he hated himself.

He was about to start writing when someone sat next to him. "Hey, mind if I sit here?"

Adam almost blurted that yes, he really, really did but caught himself in time to change the sentence. "A— No, that's fine."

Awkward, god why was he so freaking awkward? Had he deepened his voice when responding? Did he sound like he was trying too hard?

He glanced over at the man and found interest with him immediately as an observant person: he was wearing their band shirt from his release of Neon Tide. He must have noticed him looking at it because he grinned. "Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite songs. Ever heard it?"

Adam met his eyes steadily to see if he was kidding. When he started to look nervous, he shrugged. "You could say I've heard it."

Heard it? He wrote it. He sang and screamed it. The music award he'd gotten for it sat right on his office desk and he beamed at it every day. Normally screamo didn't climb the charts but he suspected Steven maybe pulled a few strings even if he denied it.

The nerves disappeared when he broke eye contact and the man chuckled. "Alright, then. My name is Austin."

He jutted out a hand that Adam shook firmly. "Adam. I guess you already knew that."

Austin chuckled and leaned forward to catch his gaze again. Adam could tell he was curious about his eye color but wasn't going to ask. "Yeah you sang my favorite song, but I'll be cool. Ready to get your ass chewed today?"

He blinked. What exactly was going on today? "For what?"

Austin pointed at the board scrawled with angry red letters: You Should Just Know and Figure It Out!!! "If I had to guess, the context of those words means we're gonna get sent home apologizing to our spouses again."

Adam laughed a little, he did remember multiple times these classes had him holding Anna and apologizing for snapping at her about diapers. "Oh, joy," He deadpanned. Then he had to scramble for another talking point, it was his turn to ask an open ended question right? "How... many kids do you have?"

"Just the one," He sighed softly. "I really want more but she says we have to wait until she's three." Austin whipped out his phone to show the screensaver of a happy little girl with bright blonde hair and green eyes. "She's the love of my life. How many do you have again?"

Adam blushed heavily and glanced at Hazel longingly. "One son, one on the way I think."

Austin grinned. "Hey, congratulations!"

"Thanks." He rubbed at his neck and tried to give him his eyes. Maybe if he freaked him out he'd go away? Every interaction to move their conversation forward was making him more uncomfortable, the truth was bound to spill out as it often did when he was nervous. "Pregnancy is hell."

Sure enough, Austin's eyebrows rose in surprise. "I loved when my wife was pregnant."

Adam snorted. "That's cause you didn't have to have the symptoms." When Austin looked dubious, Adam accidentally rolled his eyes. "I'm the one that's pregnant. I'm trans."

He had to laugh a bit more when Austin's jaw dropped and he looked him over. "But... you... I thought you were cis this whole time!" He lowered his voice when Adam looked alarmed and glanced around anxiously to see if anyone had heard. He must be a newer fan, the vast majority of their fans knew. "Sorry. You know, that's pretty fucking interesting. I'm kind of jealous in a really ignorant way. Need anything?"

"You sound like my husband or any of my male partners," Adam complained lowly. That question drove him nuts. "Anything I need I can get myself."

Austin cracked a smile. "You know, Adam, I think you're overthinking this whole thing. You look like I'm gonna tell everyone and try to get you kicked out." He nudged him playfully and Adam cracked a bigger smile past his embarrassment. "We're all dads here, you just have a way better perspective on parenthood and life than we do."

"You can say that again," Adam quipped, delighted when he laughed. "It's nice to meet you."

He meant it. Austin seemed pretty cool.

Jacob joined them and Adam instinctively leaned to rest on his shoulder as he snacked. He was starting to really like Austin, he had a good presence about him. But something inside of Adam said Jacob was displaying jealousy but he couldn't tell why or how.

After a moment, Hazel got on his knees right in front of Adam and he sat up to frown. "What did you do?"

Hazel scoffed multiple times in growing incredulous sounds but Adam stayed steadfast in his stare. Finally he sighed. "I think today's topic is a perfect chance for you to speak up. You get on our asses about this all the time."

Adam huffed. "Do not."

And suddenly he wanted to cry. The very thought of opening his mouth and everyone staring at him long enough to crack the code on his gender made him panic. He felt himself get pale.

Until a kiss was dropped on his head and a tingle swept through him. "You're going to do awesome and afterwards I will return my uno reverse card," Steven offered cheekily. "I know I'm the last one with one and you want it back so you can do whatever without risk."

Adam pointed in front of him and forgot about Austin watching curiously as he set all three boys in their place. "Counteroffer: I get that back and we do a scene, Jacob makes me dairy desserts—,"

"Done," Jacob sighed.

"With a large smile and no mention of allergies," Adam finished with a small grin. "I'd like to enjoy dairy for a while without being told I'm going to make myself sick. I know that."

Jacob groaned into his hands. "Fine."

Adam regarded his husband. "TBD."

"Wha—?! That's not fair!" Hazel complained a little too loudly. "Just pick something!"

Adam settled in his chair and released a pent up sigh. All three parties shut up quickly; they knew that sigh of restlessness. His eyes darted around to catch their gazes until they were blushing. "Why don't you boys grab me a, I dunno, like a water before we start?"

They scrambled up to also get him food and napkins and possibly a new car, leaving him alone with Austin again. "So I take it you're in charge?" He laughed.

"Some might say that." Adam shrugged and gazed at them adoringly. "That's a little under half of my partners. My girls are at home with another one of my boys. He likes the mom classes better."

They dissolved into small talk that deepened into something a little more real as his boys joined again and he patted Hazels head or brushed his thumb over Jacob's hand until he felt goosebumps or scratched at Steven's stubble. These men were his greatest comfort, and he loved to show he loved them.

It was the one thing he was really becoming less shy about.

They were being a little obviously clingy though, especially Hazel resting on his thigh with a yearning stare up at him. Adam could feel his cheeks turning red against his hand and when Austin's gaze darted down in intrigue, Adam turned to regard him. "Can I help you?"

Hazel opened his mouth to speak but the teacher cut him off. "Alright dads, find a seat and wind down so we can get started," He chirped rather pleasantly.

Hazel frowned. "Can I have a kiss?"

Adam was tempted to ask if he was serious as they got into chairs next to him and Austin moved in front of them politely. "Sure?"

He had to giggle, Hazel glanced at Austin suspiciously and kissed him like he was at the altar. That made Adam dizzy enough to slump into his seat. "Cute," He commented breathlessly. "That was really cute."

His husband grew a smug expression and shut up entirely.

"Today we're going to talk about something a lot of dads seem to struggle with." Their teacher paused and cleared his throat. Adam frowned as he realized he didn't know his name. "Be honest, how many of you his regularly call your wives when anything goes wrong?"

Adam sent a pointed glance to Steven and he sighed as he raised his hands with the rest of the men.

He knew this was coming, he felt it in the universe encompassing him before it even happened. The teacher looked right at Adam, and started to perceive him. "Really? Would you mind telling us why you don't?"

He opened his mouth and felt himself go mute. Instead of being embarrassed it made him angry. God, he was so fucking sick of this autistic affliction. Sure he was a trans man but fuckall, he wanted to be heard. He still deserved to be perceived.

Adam wanted to have a voice, and he realized how he could get past this. He knew this teacher knew sign language, so he signed it to him that he was having a spell, but he was able to answer if he could interpret.

His eyes lit up in excitement. Adam had never spoken up, ever. "Yeah, I can do that." Then he spoke with his hands. "Would you be willing to come up front and write your main selling points?"

Adam blew out a low breath and stood. He could do this, even if it had to be silent. But maybe that was a good thing, he thought maybe an iota of noise would send him further into this non verbal hell.

The trick was to perceive everyone as less as possible. It occurred to him that he hadn't been up in front of a class since the 5th grade. And yet he'd been onstage in front of 50,000 fans mostly just fine. He paused staring at the white board and for a second, he thought he was going to freeze entirely.

But once he got going, he was on a roll.

The teacher spoke as he signed with passion, chuckling a bit. "Dads, if you're taking care of your kid, can you leave their mom alone? You can handle it on your own. She's kinda tired of hearing from you and here's why." He paused to put as much vigor into his signing as possible. "Because you are babysitting."

A few of them widened their eyes like he'd just slapped them, but this was a thing he happened to be very passionate about. "You need to ask yourself: Am I a Babysitting Dad, or a Dad Dad?" He wrote down two columns for each and started under Babysitting Dads. "Things a babysitter asks: how many ounces do they need?" He turned to brush his gaze over them briefly, remembering the red lettering on the board. "You should already know that. Figure it out."

Their teacher smiled at him. "Keep going, you're doing a great job."

He blushed a little but nodded and added a second question. "How long do they nap for? You should already know that. Figure it out. Where are the onesies? Leave her alone, she doesn't wanna talk to you. Figure it out. You have eyes and able hands, figure it out. She wants to relax."

He got to the last question and underlined it six times before signing again. "And do not ask this question. Never ask her when she's coming home. If she leaves the house and you have the baby, give her some time to breathe. It'll keep her from burning out, and it'll get you closer to that next baby." Adam smiled subconsciously thinking about the tiny baby growing inside of him. It was oddly affirming somehow. Austin gave him a shy thumbs up and his smile got a tiny bit bigger. "And over here, for questions dads ask?"

Someone raised their hand. "Is there anything I can get you?"

Adam chuckled and shrugged, that wasn't the wrong answer, just probably not the one any pregnant spouse wanted to hear. "Yes but no. When you're watching your child and not a strangers child, you ask her nothing. There should be nothing your baby needs that you don't know how to do, find, or figure out. It's as simple and seamless as that."

Inhaling, he set the maker down and felt a tiny bit of the burden this had set upon him lessen. For once he had spoken and there was nothing left that he wanted to say. He barely recognized his boys clapping with the rest of the dads and cheering, he just shyly nodded and signed he needed to use the bathroom.

He locked the door and sighed his relief. Looking in the mirror, his eyes were glowing again, but he smiled, and a man smiled back at him.