Really through out all of my life, I have realized that I don't really matter to anyone in my family. You would think that after twenty two years, you should just be use to it by now. But no, even after all of the disappointments, all the lies. It still hurts and breaks down a part of me inside.

I want to be past it and just let everything go. Sadly I have never been the type of person to not let things bother me. I know that's a lame thing to say but after everything I've been through, I don't know anything else.

I have tried to let things go ad just walk away but it just makes things worse off for me. Anytime I just try and walk away, they just pick and prob more. 'Yeah go off and run to your room just like you always do', is what I hear most of the time. To be away from them and not having to listen to them anymore. Attempt after attempt and it never works.

I honestly don't like to complain but their is only so much someone can take without venting it out.

As proof that no thinks I am important or good for anything I'm going to show you an example.

A few months ago my family's house suffered a fire. I along with my ninety six year old great grandmother and my eleven year old nephew, we're inside when it happened. Along with three dogs ad four cats.

When I had realized that the house was on fire, I told my nephew to get out if the house.

My great grandmother was sitting in her lift lazy boy chair. Seeing as the power went out since the fire had reached the power box, I knew not to bother with try to push the up button on her chair. She asked what was going on and I said the house is on fire we have to get out. So I lifted her up out of her chair and waked her over to her scooter chair. Which was right outside her room by the front door, as I had her almost half way out a random neighbor came in and helped me drive her out the front door.

After getting her to a safer spot I went back in to get the pets. My next neighbor and the same random neighbor were able to her the big dogs out of the house. While I got my dog and handed her of to my nephew and went back in for my great grandmother's oxygen. But before that I went to look for the four cats.

I went back in twice into a house the was full of pitch black smoke so thick you couldn't even see your hand I front of your face. Lucky with me being night owl, I had a perfect memory of the lay out of the living room to my room and back. I needed no light to find my way.....but being caught in that black smoke not being able to find my cat has taken quite a toll on me. I still have nightmares of being trapped in the smoke and never finding a way out and just suffocating.

I had voice loss, scratched throat and cough fits non stop for months. Along with some kind of smoke poisoning.

Anyways back to the flash back when my mom was able to make it home, after the firefighters were there and had finally put out the flames.(Just a side note their was four fire trucks, they didn't have enough of a hose on one so we had to wait until the had a hose long enough) So she didn't have the whole rest of the mental agawish of seeing your house up in flames and people standing around not being able to do anything about it.

But back to the main point. Remember when I said I don't matter? When lets say your family has to go through a tramatic like I did. If it was your daughter that was coughing like crazy after knowing she was in there shouldn't you show some concern? I mean yes she made it out of the house, but would you really just say nothing. Give her a glance and that's it? No hug? No saying I'm glad you okay? Not even asking if your alright?

I believe that should prove a major point right there. Of proving that I matter not one bit to my own mother.

After things had calmed down a bit I retold my tell serval times over to investigators and family alike. Many times when I did I cried, after going through something like that I could keep my emotions bottled up. After awhile when I was asked to retell it I was able to keep my composure until I was only. Thankfully no one has asked for me to retell it anymore, but it still weighs in my mind and at times I relive those feelings and can not stop from shedding a tear.

It has been a bit over five months and we have been able too be back into our house. My nightmares have decreased but they are still there. I feel they will always be with me, with time and help from my boyfriend I have been able to get through them though.

Life returned to normal of me being so called useless and never doing anything. A few days ago my

Mother and her man(someone I will never like) were hanging out with our next door neighbors. In there garage, where they usually sit and drink and hang out.

I do go over and hang out at times, to at least try and feel like I belong. But at this time I wasn't I was doing something and had gone over to ask my mother something.

While I was there my mother's man decide it was story time and to tell about the fire. I wasn't really paying all attention to what he said but when he got to the part about me getting my great grandmother out if the house, it want the same. He had said that her chair was stretched out, like she was laying down. And since the power was out I was dumbfounded about getting her out by myself. That the random neighbor had come in and picked her up out of the chair and into her scooter chair out of the house safely.

I had told what happened over and over to everyone. Even if I didn't like telling it I did, because they wanted to know. My mother was sitting right there when he was telling this story to a friend of our neighbors. Nothing not a word came out. After standing their waiting for someone to say that wasn't how it was and nothing came I left. Went into my room and laid on my bed, as I felt one tear drop fall from my eye I spoke to myself. 'It really doesn't matter what I do, nothing at all will ever change how I appear to them. I'm not important at all to any of them.' I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter, just let it go. But it hurt so much. How can someone mean do little to their own family?

My question for you out there does this really exist? Out in the rest of the world would you really her your child's mentality like that? Why? Why would you ever so that?.......

I wish no one else out there has to go through stuff like this. Because I know how damaging it could be to a person. I ask you to never do this to another, it can only be tolerated for so long before it hits the breaking point.

That is the only thing I can be thankful for in my life. My boyfriend WMorgano. If we hadn't found each other when we did I would not be here. I love you my wolf <3. And I will not stop fighting for you ever. You are my reason for living, being, happiness, my rock.

My life doesn't matter to those related to me but that doesn't matter anymore. Because I have you, and that is all I need. You.