"So, explain that to me one more time." I asked, scratching out what I had previously written and trying to understand what he was trying to explain. This was the 4th time that Elijah had gone over the assignment that Mrs. Duthie had given us. Now, I wasn't saying she was a bad teacher, she just isn't good at explaining it to me.

Elijah laughed and shook his head. He took my pencil and wrote the equations back on my paper. I was attempting to listen to what he was telling me, but this whole thing was a little too complex for me. Or maybe I was just making it seem that way because my head was in the clouds thinking about a certain someone with emerald green eyes.

"Jess? Jessa? Yo, Jess! Jessamine!" He yelled in my ear, taking me out of my small trance.

I laughed, a small blush of embarrassment spreading to my cheeks. A few classmates had been looking at us and shaking their heads at how loud we were. "Sorry, I was just really into that mathematical equation."

Elijah shook his head in disapproval. "You know, I actually really like math and even I don't get that lost in it." He sighed, "I've only known you for this past week, but I know you enough to know that something is really bothering you. So, spill the metaphorical beans." He propped his elbows on my desk, resting his chin in the palms of his hands.

"Just still thinking about the first day. I don't know why, it's just..." I let out a small sigh of exasperation. How was I supposed to say that I royally screwed up and I can't take it back and the guilt has been eating away at me to the point where it's hard to do anything; math, eat, sleep, everything. "It's been wearing down on me."

Elijah shook his head, "I really don't wanna tell you to just move on from her, but if she wants to be in your life, she'll do something."

I smiled, though that solution might mean I never get to speak with her again. I didn't think I could live with that. I made a mistake and now I'm paying for it. The guilt was starting to come up in the form of vomit. I felt physically ill. "Yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom. You can try explaining this later."

I stood from my seat quickly, exiting the room without even talking to the teacher first. I don't think she noticed, or I hoped not. I let out a deep sigh, speed-walking to the bathroom.

I push the door open and search the stalls to see if anyone was in any of them. I let out a sigh of relief to find them all empty. I look at myself in the mirror, running a hand through my dark wavy hair. After pushing my glasses onto the top of my head, I turned on the water, leaning forward and splashing my face with the cold water. I was wearing minimal makeup, so it didn't really matter in that aspect. I just needed the cold splash of reality and sanity.

Everyone has told me that this is not a big deal and I shouldn't get myself hung over on one little thing. My mother keeps saying that I need to enjoy the people that are in my life and disregard the people who are not. But that's hard to do when the people who aren't in your life anymore, are the people who you really believe that you need. But anytime I tried to explain, it sounded just as confusing to them as it did to myself.

Fortunately, the water mixed with the tears that had started to fall, making it difficult to differentiate the two. At least for a few moments, until my eyes started to turn red and began to puff. I rubbed the tears away and scrubbed the cold water over my eyes, hoping it would somehow help. But the only thing it was helping was to distract me from what I was trying so hard not to let get to me.

But that only lasted for seconds, as did most things in my life, and I could feel the guilt starting to rise up again. I turned around, facing away from the mirror and stepping towards one of the stalls. I held my hands over my mouth, trying to force whatever was trying to come up back down.

I wished I could just talk to her and make this feeling go away. It has failed to leave for the past week. I've tried every home remedy, every medicine, every WikiHow on how to get rid of it, but it only seemed to make me feel worse. It made me feel worse because instead of trying to fix it, I was trying to forget about it.

Half of me wants to feel better, while the other half doesn't, only because I know I deserve it all. I don't deserve her kindness. I don't deserve her forgiveness, or her understanding, or her sympathy. She had every right in what she did, but it was still hurting so bad.

I had to go back to class eventually, but that seemed like too much to deal with. Too many people would be questioning me. Asking me why I left, or maybe even why I look like five bees stung my eyes. The answer would be, "my own stupidity." Because it was all my fault. I couldn't put the blame on anyone else.

I shut the stall and kneeled down in front of the toilet, I let out a sob as I heaved into the bowl, followed by a series of uneasy coughs. The back of my throat burned and I wiped my mouth with the toilet paper. I almost threw up once more at the sight, but quickly flushed the toilet to dispose of it. I was tempted to call home; maybe ask my mom to call me out because I was sick. But I knew the answer would be no. I had missed too much school before, and it stressed both of them out. They were already dealing with so much with the move, I couldn't be bothering them so much. They were doing this because of me. I had no real reason to complain to them. It was all in my head.

I shakily reached for my phone from my pocket, and unlocked it. I opened my messages and texted Elijah, asking him to pack up my things and bring it to my 3rd hour. At least I had a good friend to talk to here, that did make the suffering more tolerable. But who was I kidding? It was still suffering.

Elijah brought me my stuff at the start of 3rd hour, and by then, I had taken care of myself to look like I was completely fine. He kept pestering me about why I was gone so long and trying to get me to rant to him and tell him more, but I kept my lips sealed. I didn't want to cause a scene or make it a big deal. It was all nothing.

3rd hour passed by with ease. I spent the entire time doodling instead of actually paying attention to what I was supposed to be doing. I knew I'd for sure regret that later, but that was later and this was now. And right now, concentrating was not my strong suit.

Mentorship cheered me up quickly though, to say the least. I had that class with Mr. Ross with Elijah and a few of his friends. We all sat nearby each other and talked the entire class, as Mr. Ross didn't really give us many assignments. He had enough things to be worried about with his biology classes.

"So, did you hear that this senior dude got expelled?" One of Elijah's friends, Ayline asked him. She was a Sophomore as well as us, she had long blonde hair, but she always had it up in a messy bun. She wore a t-shirt and leggings to school almost everyday. She was the walking definition of, "I don't care."

"Really? Why?" Elijah was working on his math homework as he talked. I felt bad. I had made him help me with all my homework, so he hadn't much time to do his own.

Ayline sighed, "some freshie slept with the senior and the cops got involved. She was 14 and he was 18, so what he did was pretty much illegal."

I shook my head, "that was not very smart on either end. How did she even get involved with him?"

"She was a super smart student; was taking AP classes already. Not even three days in and the senior fucks her after school at his place. There was a big post about it going around on Instagram, Facebook, Twiiter, all over." She explained.

The bell rang, signifying the end of mentorship, and the start of 4th hour. Creative Writing. All I did all hour was work on the short stories we were doing as a beginning project. We had to write a horror, drama, kids book, and comedy.

That hour went by without a hitch. Now, the "hour" I had been dreading: lunch. This was the second time I was forced to be in the same room as Arabella for an elongated period of time without being able to escape, and not being able to communicate with her.

Elijah met up with me in the hallway and slung his arm around my shoulder, surprising me, almost to the point where I dropped my stuff. "What's up, short stuff~?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed, shaking my head. "You're only a few inches taller. Don't act like you're all high and mighty. You're only like, five foot... five?" I guessed.

"Five foot six and a quarter of an inch!" He corrected.

I giggled and nodded, "of course, of course."

We entered the commons, as I learned they were called, and sat at our usual table, he ruffled my hair before leaving to get his nachos. As he was gone, a few of his friends, including Ayline, sat down as well with their lunches.

In addition to Ayline, there was Lawrence, Dylan, Kristen, and Erin. They all engaged in small talk, and Dylan kissed Kristen's cheek as the whispered to each other.

Lawrence waved a tortilla chip with a little cheese on it in front of my face, "doesn't the nacho look so good? You should go get some! You've been here a week and I haven't seen you eat lunch yet."

I shook my head, "I don't have lunch money." I turned his hand back towards him, and gave it a slight push, making him eat the nacho himself.

He smiled and chewed quickly. "Thanks, boo."

I laughed and shrugged, "no problem."

Elijah returned back to the table. "Guys, I have a story to tell, and it will not be pretty."

I propped my elbows on the table and smiled. "Do tell~"

"Okay, so here I am, at the end of the lunch line, right? Yeah, so there's this girl in front of me and she is getting nachos like me, except hers aren't as loaded and colorful as mine. Exhibit A." He gestured to his bowl of nachos, which had lettuce, tomato, and sour cream. "Like, just meat and cheese boring." He looked disgusted. "Anyway, she goes up to pay and she enters her ID number to pay for lunch, and you know what happens? She enters it wrong."

"Oh no!" Lawrence and I said, overdramatically in unison, then giggle at the coincidence.

"I know, I know, it's awful because now there's a delay in the line. And after, literally seven tries, this girl finally enters it right. Thank the lord, but that's not where it ends."

"What happens next?" Erin asked.

"So, I enter my number and I take two cookies. Exhibit B." He pulled the cookies from his hoodie pocket. "And this lady says to me, as I'm handing her $10 to put in my account: 'you need money to have those.' And I stare at her like, what do you think this is in my hand?" He shakes his head.

I laughed, "however could you have survived?"

"Don't mock me, or else!" He held his hands up, then quickly moved over towards my seat and tickled my sides, making me burst out into a fit of laughs, mixed with a few snorts.

"Eli- Stop it!" I tried to say between laughs until he finally stopped.

Elijah grinned triumphantly, "you should know better than to mock me." He poked my cheek.

We all engaged in small tall, talking about our days and what has been happening.

"Do you have any new artsy projects you've been working on?" Kristen asked, leaning on her boyfriend's shoulder.

I opened my notebook and turned it towards her to reveal several sketches. "Only some sketches nothing big. Trying to figure out what I wanna do for my portrait project."

"This looks like that freshman." Dylan pointed to a few of the people I had drawn. "Are you two close?"

I shook my head, a bright blush burning my cheeks. "No, just a doodle, not anyone specific."

"This one looks like Elijah." Lawrence winked, and I could tell what he was trying to imply.

"Awe, you drew me?" Elijah grinned, ruffling my hair once again. He took the notebook and grabbed his phone, taking a picture of the one that did, in fact, look like him. But it wasn't for a particular reason, all of my drawings were based off of things I've seen. "I'm painting Gandalf."

"I needed both guys and girls to consider what to make the portrait. I feel like everyone is gonna do themselves so I'm trying to do someone else." I explained, then shook my head at Elijah's muse for his project.

Lawrence stood up and posed. "Well, if you need a model, I am here." He did an assortment of poses.

"I'll have to consider that." I giggled, closing my notebook and picking up all my stuff. The bell rang. It was the end of lunch.

"Time to bail!" Dylan and Kristen walked off away from the group.

"I'll see you tomorrow, text me!" Erin smiled, putting her headphones in and heading down to where all the junior lockers were.

Elijah grabbed my stuff from my hands and walked with me to my locker. "So, portrait project, huh?"

"I still think you should paint me." Lawrence whined.

"I'll have to think about it." I smiled turning my head to look back at him. "I'll need a picture of you, though, so I can enlarge it." As I thought about it, he actually did seem like a very good candidate for my picture, but at the same time, he was too perfect. I wanted to capture the imperfections of people, and how they're still perfect in their own ways, but that wasn't very easy to do when my muse was a living perfectionist god.

My attention almost turned to Arabella, who was at her locker just across from mine, but Elijah stopped me from walking, "you almost passed your locker."

I blinked then turned to see that he was, in fact, right. I took a few steps back and got down on my knees to open my locker. As soon as it was opened, Elijah handed me my stuff to put back in, and I exchanged it with my final two hours folders and notebooks.

"Let's head to art, Jess." He said, rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out at Arabella as she walked down the hall. "Don't worry about the green-eyed monster when you get to 6th hour." He put his hands up as to demonstrate claws of a monster, and bared his teeth.

I laughed, shaking my head at his silly antics, "I won't." I hugged my books to my chest. Yes, Elijah was in my 5th hour, but unfortunately not my 6th hour. But guess who was? The 'green-eyed monster' - a nickname given by Dylan - also known as Arabella.

For whatever reason, this school has it switched. My two other schools had World History, then U.S. History, but here it was reversed, so I was stuck taking classes with Freshmen, more specifically Arabella and her good for nothing, senior boyfriend, 'thing' that she walks out of Biology with.

Art class was like heaven, and U.S. History was like a war zone - ironically enough. It was like the calm before the storm. The sunshine before the hurricane.

Elijah and I entered the classroom and sat down in our assigned seats. Luckily we were at the same table, just the two of us, which made it pretty fun to just hang out and make jokes without having to worry about other people judging us.

"So, you gotta tell me; have you seen anyone that can help get your mind off of blondie?" Elijah asked, turning his chair backwards and sitting with his legs around the back of the chair.

"No, and I don't think I will. I'm gonna torture myself a little longer." I managed a laugh, trying to pass it off as a joke.

"Talk about masochist." He shook his head. "I know that you liked her, or maybe you still like her, but sometimes you just gotta cut the rope and let it go. You can't live your life in that ball of self-hatred." He pointed his pencil at me accusingly.

I sighed, taking out my sketch notebook and making small changes to the doodles. "It's what I deserve. I'm the one in the wrong, not her."

"Look, I know what went down, you've told me. And I don't think you are. It wasn't your fault that you had an abusive person basically controlling and manipulating you. And if Arabella really knew you, and even cared, she would have known that you wouldn't have done that without a really good reason. And if she did somewhat care, she would give you the chance to explain, but she hasn't, which means you haven't done anything wrong."

"I kinda ha-"

"It also means that the only one in the wrong here is Eliza-bitch and Arabella. She needs to get her head out of her ass and realize you still really care, and you are a good person. And if she can't see it, then she doesn't deserve you."

I couldn't argue, no matter how wrong he was. "Okay, Eli, thank you... Now sketch some Gandalf already. I'm dying to see it."

"I already have." Elijah grabbed his sketch folder from his 'Big Binder of Bullshit,' or the 'BBB' for short, and sprawled all the sketches of his favorite Wizard across the table. "There you are, Gandalf the White!"

"You're ridiculous."

We laughed throughout the hour, sketching out ideas. Almost the entire class had already started working on their big rough draft while I was still confused about what to paint. Unfortunately, like all good things, this class period flew by and came to an end.

Despite Elijah being there to pump me up on the walk to History, it was a depressing walk. It was like walking into Hell. It was like driving into a tornado. I didn't have a coherent thought going through my head as I entered the gates of Hell, it was all a jumble of thoughts.

I took my seat and started to doodle to try and keep my anxiety at bay. As the class started, I glanced up to see Arabella talking and messing around with that senior from Biology. I couldn't even be jealous though. It wasn't my place. I tried to ignore everything, humming a song in my head.

It was all fine until a hat flew onto my desk, specifically the beanie that the greasy pot head was wearing. I gagged internally. I looked up to see the couple looking at me. I wanted to say something sassy. I tried really hard to think of something sassy to say. Show her who's boss. I should have thrown the hat out the window.

But instead, I picked it up with my pencil and with all the awkwardness I could muster stammered out some stupid mumbles. "Uhm, here..."

Before the blond could take it, Mr. Bolthouse snatched it from off my pencil. "I'll be taking that."

This hour was going to be a long one, I could tell. I wish I was back in Hudsonville, laying out on our deck, looking out at the woods and fields behind our house. I'd give anything to not be here.