I don't think I've ever been so lonely

Didn't know if I would make it out

The dead of the winter of my life

In the middle of the summertime

And it still haunts me now

But you'd never know

***

Sometimes Raph thinks his brothers are trying to test his limits to see how long it takes before he snaps.

Why else would Donnie blatantly refuse to tell him where he was hiding out after disappearing from the lair near daylight hours?

Okay, so maybe he could have left long before daylight hours, but that didn't change the fact that he refused to disclose his location after Raph had texted politely! Not a single insult or passive-aggressive comment!

Before Donnie decided not to tell him, obviously.

He knew that heading out into the city alone is a major no-no in Leo's book, and their worrywart sensei would probably have him grounded to the lair for weeks if he found out. Granted, that's probably why Donnie didn't tell anyone, instead pretending to be cooped up in his lab, his rock tracks playing to cover up the fact no one was home.

He was trying to play nice by giving him the opportunity to tell him, but Donnie left him no choice. He was the one who taught them how to use the laptop to track the t-phones, and how to download directions onto the t-phones. He said to only use it in case of emergencies, but Raph was a master at rule breaking, so, really, Donnie was his own undoing.

He squints at the map, wondering how close he is if he's right next to other dot that should be his younger brother, but his younger brother isn't there. He looks up to give his surroundings a frustrated scan, wondering if the stupid app is brok- oh, there he is.

Then Raph realizes where they are.

His blood freezes and he obeys the urge to dart to the side, using the water tower's railing to yank himself up before ducking behind the water tower itself. In the back of his mind, he knows that panic is pointless, but his mind enjoys irrationally torturing him. He feels like he can't breathe as he presses his carapace against the watertower, curling his hands into fists and trying to get his heart rate to settle.

Why here?

Of all the rooftops in the city, why this one?!

He forces himself to peek around the water tower, warily looking over the roof. He doesn't know what he expects to find, but there's nothing there. Nothing except a little brother who should be anywhere in the city except here.

Raph's gaze shies away from where his brother sits on the parapet, legs resting against the side of the building as he stares at the alleyway below. His gaze never strays from one spot, so he's not watching anything. He's simply sitting on the one rooftop in all of New York that none of them have dared ventured back to. Like it's cursed.

Maybe it is.

They'd stumbled upon cursed blades before. Why not a cursed rooftop?

Wouldn't be the weirdest thing they'd ever dealt with.

He awkwardly steps out from behind the water tower, self-conscious over the fact that he hid behind it in the first place. His younger brother is still watching the ground, and there's no one else around, so no one witnessed his cowardice.

Hiding from a rooftop.

Him of all turtles.

If Mona could see him now...

He drops onto the roof, and then jogs to the end of the building. He has to will himself to make the jump, silently touching down without so much as a whoosh of air in his wake. He takes in the roof tainted by a memory, and sucks in a breath when it comes to life.

He can see the battle rising before his eyes, locating each spot where they all stood, his arm around April's shoulder as Splinter smiles at them. He can feel the shock of Shredder's reappearance, and the blow piercing his heart, as if Shredder had stabbed them both in one fatal stroke. He can see Splinter fall, hear his cry as he's flung, horrified to realize that he'd just stood there and done nothing-

He lets out the breath. The memory doesn't fade, but it's blocked from an instant replag as he drags his gaze away. His heart pounds as he walks towards his younger brother. He's never been more grateful that his brothers were somewhere else when a battle took place. He can barely carry the weight of remembrance, but he does so anyway, because he refuses to be caught unaware next time.

He refuses to let them lose anyone else.

There are goosebumps along his arms as he steps across the surface that haunts his nightmares, but he's never let fear beat him before, and he doesn't now.

He stops next to Donnie, a brush of wind knocking their mask tails to the side. The wind has nothing on the cold that works it's way down his body when he follows his little brother's gaze, half-expecting to see a body there. Or blood. Or... Anything that remained of that night.

It's just an empty alley, so he doesn't know why a shudder crawls down his body. He crosses his arms, clinging onto the fact that it's cold and the discomfort can be excused as something other than weakness. The blame can be switched on Donnie if he cares enough to point it out.

He hasn't even bothered to look up, but his hands are in his lap now, giving Raph space to sit should he choose too. Raph raises his head, watching the clouds cross the sky in the distance, finding the peaceful horizon a safer place to turn his attention.

He decides to test the water before he risks getting pulled into an emotional talk. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking."

Curt and absent. Not helpful. "Here?"

"Considering the topic of thought? Seemed apropos."

He doesn't sound upset. Raph wants to come on strong, demand that he think somewhere else, anywhere else- but doing that without getting pulled into a discussion that he can't stomach is impossible. He can try insisting that it's cursed, but Mikey's probably only person who would take his word for it.

Good ol' delusional Mikey.

"You used the tracker."

It's not a question. He answers anyway. "Yep."

He doesn't want to, but he sits down. Donnie continues watching the alleyway floor, and despite his better judgement, Raph mutters, "What're you looking at?"

"The ground."

Raph's stare narrows and Donnie's eyes finally rises from that godforsaken ground to meet his as he quirks a small, knowing smile. "Would've figured that was obvious."

"Smart-alec."

Donnie nods solemnly, and then tilts his head. "What are you doing here?"

It's not accusing. It's curious, and a little sympathetic. Raph's hands tighten around his arms subconsciously before he forces them to relax. He looks back into the distance. "Looking for you. Regretting it."

"Sorry to be so much trouble." He states unapologetically. "Leo sent you?"

He could lie. Donnie will probably believe him if he does. "No."

"Ah." Donnie's eyeing him now, but Raph pretends not to notice. He knows that he wants to ask, but they both know he'll deny it without a second thought. Better to leave things implied or half-said, where the weakness isn't as obvious.

Donnie looks back at the ground, seemingly chewing on his words as he mulls something over. "It's funny-"

"The ground?"

Donnie rolls his eyes. "I'm trying to be serious."

Raph smirks. "Good luck."

That earns him a head shake that hides a smile, and then Donnie restarts, "It's funny that there was a point of time where Leo would have had a panic attack if I left without telling him the when and where, or some mental break down if I forgot to check in every fifteen minutes."

Raph snickers, because, hey, that is kinda funny.

"You'd think I'd be grateful that there are no more life-threatening missions lurking around every corner, but sometimes... I miss it. The inspiration that led to new inventions, the adrenaline of a losing battle, the rush that come with defusing a bomb that's about to take out half the city." Donnie slumps a bit, rubbing his arm. "Does... Does that ever make you feel guilty?"

"Guilty?" Raph scoffs. "Nothing wrong with wanting a little action."

"But it wasn't a game. People's lives were at risk." Donnie argues without heat. "More often than not it put targets on our backs. Makes me wonder... Well, Splinter didn't want us fighting crime. He was trying to teach us to defend ourselves. He even tried to keep us home when we first met April. He accepted that we wanted to be heroes. Supported it even..." Raph's stomach twists, and he takes a careful breath, keeping the surge of fury and helplessness under wraps. "I wonder if he ever considered that it might lead him here."

Raph closes his eyes. He wants to give into the urge to shut his little brother up, to let the blinding anger well up and swallow him just long enough for walls to be put up between them, locking down the pain before it can bleed out. Donnie's not trying to hurt him, but the implications slice deep anyway, opening scars that don't know how to mend on their own.

He breathes in, and back out. Donnie is processing in his own way. Splinter was his father too, and if he shuts Donnie down, then he'll only succeed in pushing him away. He can't do that, to any of his brothers. They've been way too understanding. He doesn't deserve it, and he can't respond with- with anger. He's better than that. He has control now.

Maybe he's quiet for too long, because he senses Donnie scoot closer. His shoulder touches his taller brother's arm, and then Donnie stills. He says nothing, but Raph hears everything. The silent reassurance that he can take his time, the understanding that he needs a moment, and a promise to not push as he takes it.

The next breath is easier.

He continues to center himself until his trembling fists lay open on his lap, and the tempting anger is only background static. He opens his eyes, and looks down into the alley, leaning only a smidge of his weight against his brother's in return. "Sometimes."

"Hmm?"

"I do. Feel guilty."

"...You? Really?"

"Don't want people gettin' hurt." He mutters, barely forcing the words into open air. "So, yeah."

"Contradictory wants. Wonder what that says about us."

"We like what we do?" Raph turns to face him. "No shame in that."

"Really?" Donnie doesn't look back, too deep in his thoughts to notice the way Raph scans his expression. "Even if it ends up getting one of us killed?"

"This is going to sound real sappy, so brace yourself." Donnie blinks twice, and then his face scrunches as he turned to look at him. Raph meets his gaze with the most serious, earnest expression he can muster. "Then we go down doing what we love."

Donnie gawks, and then snorts, a hand coming up to cover his laughter. "H-holy- wow. Wow. Where'd you pull that from?"

Raph grins, relieved to have broken the tension. "All me, bro."

"There's no way."

"You got me. Tv show."

"Ha!"

Raph elbows his younger brother and then settles his elbows on his thighs, adding, "I got your guys' shells, Don. Nothing's going to happen while I'm around."

"I've got yours too." Donnie concurs immediately, as if it goes without question. "All of us do."

A lump rises to his throat with the intensity of the promise, and he tries to ignore the embarrassment that courses through his blood, hoping his face isn't red like he feels like it is. Get ahold of yourself, man!

A t-phone rings, and he lowers a hand to check his belt. His t-phone is silent, so he looks at his younger brother. Donnie puts his on speaker. "Hey, Leo."

Anxiety lurks under the stern tone. "Is Raph with you?"

"Nope. Let us know when you find him." Raph responds with a smug grin, waiting for his voice to register. Leo sighs and Donnie bumps his shoulder in playful disapproval, stating, "We're just getting some fresh air. You know how Raph gets when he's cooped up."

Raph raises an eye ridge, but lets Donnie get away with his fib because it means less worried or pitying stares when they get back home. Leo buys it. "You guys really shouldn't have left without telling anyone."

"Sorry." Donnie says in habit as he gets to his feet, stepping off the parapet and heading up the roof. Raph stands, but doesn't move further. He keeps his eye on the distance, so Donnie turns off speaker. "We didn't intend to be out long."

His phone buzzes, and he checks it.

>WHERE ARE U????

<Caps

>OOPS

>Where are u???.?

<As far from u as possible

>What did I do??

<I'll think of something

He glances up when the silence stretches and spots the patient look on his younger brother's face. His mouth opens and shuts a few frustrated times before he repents, "I know, I know. It won't happen again."

>Hes really going all out!!

<Maybe he'll use his rant up on Don

<Give me space to breath

"Leo, I got it."

>As if

>he's so gonna rag on u

>Where are u???

<None if ur business

>Y are u so mean to me!!

<bc u can't use punctation to save ur life

"Leo-" A moment of pensive silence. "Seriously?"

>punishment time

<He is not

>Totally is bro

<ugh

"Fine, fine. We're on it."

>PIZZA NIGHT!!!

<Remind me to punch him

<Or spit in his pizza

>Will do

"Okay. Yep. See you soon."

Donnie hangs up and walks over to Raph. "We're being punished. Pizza pick up."

"Pretty sure he likes it when we screw up." Raph puts away his t-phone and then they're off, heading off the cursed rooftop. He feels like a weight leaves as they put distance between it and them, following his younger brother's lead. "Maybe he makes up dumb rules on purpose. Then he gets some errand boys."

"At least it's pizza." Donnie shrugs, ever the pushover. "Pizza guy is usually fast."

They fall into a comfortable silence as they sprint to wherever they'll be exchanging cash for cheesy goodness, and then something Raph hasn't seen in a long while catches his eyes. He skids to an abrupt stop, and creeps closer to the edge of the rooftop, squinting to make sure he's not wrong.

He's not. An eager grin grows, "Well, would you look at that."

Donnie steps up from behind him, and they watch as a goon chucks the limp body of the warehouse guard to the ground. A few more men come up behind him as the first proceeds to break the hatch of the loading bay door, and Donnie gasps. "Is that... No. No way. The mafia's back in business?"

"Don't know, don't care." Raph grinds his knuckle into his palm. "But I don't think they're supposed to be there and somebody should let them know."

"Texting Leo." Donnie responds. "Do you think we should wait for-"

Raph leaps off the side of the building and catches onto the fire escape halfway down, slowing his momentum enough that when he jumps again, he hits the ground safely. Donnie drops onto the dumpster behind him, and he waits till he slides to the ground before stating, "There's only a few of them. We can handle this."

"Alright." Donnie pulls out his staff. He's trying to act casual, but there's an eager light in his eyes that betrays him. "Got my back?"

"Always." Raph pulls out his sais, spinning them to get a feel and then stepping aside, letting him pass by. "Now let's go beat some no-good Italians."

"There isn't actually any definitive proof the goons are of Italian heri-Yow!"

"Would you just get inside already?"