I can't pretend my pain away

I can't outrun the pouring rain

In my head, in my head

It's like I'm hiding a hurricane

***

Raph doesn't know where he is.

Wait.

Yes, he does.

He's in the lair.

He blinks, head tilting to take in empty surroundings, trying to figure out how he could have forgotten that.

He's obviously home. Where else would he be?

His carapace is to the bedrooms, and his plastron faces the turnstiles. He doesn't know why he's standing under the arch of the hallway or where he intended to go. He tries to recall what he was doing before this, or at least get his legs moving now that his brain decided to rejoin reality, but all he earns for his attempts is a wave of anxiety that keeps his feet firmly glued.

It's so intense that he momentarily forgets to breathe.

So he remains standing there like an idiot, fighting the urge to pop into his shell.

He doesn't, because, ew. Whimpy much?

"Raph?"

He looks at the couch. Leo has his elbow propped on the back of it, watching him with a frown. Space Heroes is on the screen. The shouting characters fill the space between.

"What's... Going on?"

Raph decides to make his way over, stepping down with the utmost confidence so Leo doesn't comment on his random brain death, a mocking comment stirring in his throat and landing on his tongue as he-

-watches Leo's body peel apart at the seams, revealing the Krang Thing buried underneath. It launches itself for him before he can move, limb wrapping around his plastron to drag him forward. He goes for his sai and it cackles, jaw popping open with a sickly crack, blade sinking into the pink mesh as it gets closer. It doesn't react to the blow, holding him steady as it throws him into its mouth, biting through his extended arm as he screams-

"Raph."

Raph must have only thought about lifting his foot. He hasn't moved.

He can't move. They'll notice.

Who? He looks around the room. No one else is there.

He shakes his head, exhaling as he stomps down the first stair. He opens his mouth-

-but someone else beats him to it. A shriek fills the air as Karai pops out from behind him, snake form sliding easily as she throws herself at him. He kicks her off and she goes flying. He rolls to his feet and Leo's next to her, reaching for her. She shoots up immediately, clamping her fangs on his brother's throat, blood spewing from his lips before Raph can react-

His heart pounds hard. His hands tremble.

The frown doesn't fade, now paired with a judgmental brow raise.

A wave of heat passes over his face and down to his neck. Just what he needs. One of his brothers, or worse, his Sensei to walk in and find him having a panic attack for no reason. Mostly because they wouldn't take 'no reason' as an acceptable answer.

Leo asked a question. He needs to make him back off.

He needs to speak. He can't speak. Well, he can, but he shouldn't.

Why shouldn't he?

"None of your business."

Raph's voice is a steel wall against the piercing blade of his gaze. Leo lowers his offense first, sheathing the accusation, shrugging him off. He goes back to the show, uncaring of the temper that loves to rear its ugly head. Raph should be able to relax now that he's gotten away with his blatant lie, but his heart's still racing despite the pressure firmly fixed on his chest.

There, see? He spoke and it didn't kill him.

Raph clears his throat and-

-Leo jumps him, hand latching over his face as his older brother's weight drags him down, knocking his skull into the floor, unrecognizable eyes an impossible black while the grin twists his features as he slams- slams- slams- slams-

He forgets what he wanted to say. Leo doesn't bother looking his way, too preoccupied with his show. Raph hands are shaking, so he brings them to fists. He thinks maybe he should go back into his bedroom instead of wasting his time on Space Heroes. He's tired, anyway. He could use a nap. That's the better option. He should just go.

Raph should, but he doesn't.

He's basically a fixture now, nailed to the ground for everyone to see.

He hates being out in the open. It's making him vulnerable.

That's dangerous.

Is it?

His body seems to think so, and his mind trusts its judgement.

He's in danger.

He should tell Mikey that, shouldn't he?

Mikey's still sitting on the couch, content with the feeds from both his phone and the show playing behind him. He's snacking on the leftovers from his latest abomination, actively ignoring Raph's long-distance stare. He doesn't seem too worried about any threats.

He opens his mouth. He shuts it-

-at the sight of swelling bubbles on his skin. He screams as he stumbles back, falling as they travel up his arms, reaching his shell and neck. He loses airflow within seconds, grabbing at the bubbles of skin and pus as a blurry Mikey hovers over him, laughing when they hear the first pop, and then the next, pain consuming and burning as his body explodes a hundreds times with the force of the-

"Ha!" Mikey jeers. Raph flinches harshly from beside him, watching as he points at the screen. "That's what you get!"

Mikey looks at him, expectancy in bright eyes, and he looks at the tv. There's nothing playing. That doesn't make sense. There's a smear of a show. He can't tell who's on the screen or what they're doing. The buzzing in the background might be music or it could be a conversation. He doesn't know. He can't tell.

Something's wrong with the tv. Something's wrong with him. Something-

-throws Raph from the couch and onto the floor. One of the fear mushrooms are on his face, roots tangling down around his throat as he chokes, unable to get in air. He can't peel it off, room blurring around the edges as the eye glows andshoots a flurry of gold in his face, yellow specks that almost look like-

Mikey sits up on the couch to give the tv more of his attention.

Raph feels like he's going to pass out. He tries to stand but shaky legs release him back onto the surface. He feels dizzy. He feels nauseous. He feels like he's going to throw-up-

-all over the floor. He heaves out the painful lumps and they unfurl, two balls of fur that pry a shout from Mikey. They transform before his eyes, shrieking and massive in a horrific flash. One goes for Raph and the other jumps his younger brother. His world blurs into a mess of hissing purple as Mikeys cries out in agony, claws tearing at his skin and teeth sinking past his plastron with an echoing crack-

"Dude." He looks at Mikey, who frowns. "Were you even paying attention?"

Raph hesitates. "To- what?"

"Of course not." Donnie grumbles, shaking his head in distain. "Why are you even here?"

Raph looks around the lab, waiting for the answer to the question to show itself. It does not.

It doesn't need to. Donnie's closing his book, a hard thump against his desk, while plowing straight into a rant. "I don't know why I bother talking to you if you're not even going to listen. Much less comprehend a single-"

"Donnie." His voice is strangled, small. "What's happening?"

"Other than you wasting my time?" Donnie snaps. "You're being insufferable. Does that clear anything up?"

"No." He whispers as his eyes roam the room. "I..."

He looks at Donnie. He's back on his computer.

Something sparks in his chest, hot and tight. He grits his teeth.

"Hey!" He slams his fist on the desk, walking around to him. "I'm talking to you."

"And I'm not listening." Donnie asserts without missing a beat. Raph shoves at the monitor and Donnie has to catch it before it hits the desk. "No-!"

"There is something seriously wrong." He growls as his eyes are caught by Pulverize's containment unit. He blinks. Pulverizer is blue.

"See!" He turns, pointing at him. "Like that!"

Donnie isn't by his desk. Raph hears him from the other end of the room, asking, "What are you going on about?"

He looks at Pulverizer as something cracks. Pulverizer breaks through the casing, flooding out in a wave of guts and slime. He crashes into Raph and knocks him onto the floor, crashing up his nose and into his lungs even as he holds his breath, blindly fighting to get out of under the impossible current as it smothers and burns-

He takes rapid steps back. The goo shifts passively in its containment.

Shaking his head, Raph takes a few deep, shaky breaths. "I have a really bad feeling, Don."

"Shouldn't you be leaving the feelings to April?"

Raph tracks him to the ShellRaiser. "This isn't the time! I don't know if I'm hexed or sick or what but- but everything's all out of whack! It's wrong!"

He stops in front of it. There's no response.

"Donnie?"

The lab is quiet. He opens the door as a-

-massive green hand locks around his waist and hoists him from the floor. Speed Demon cackles as he shakes him violently, tongue flying about unnaturally with his movements. He slams Raph into the ground and pulls further out of the vehicle, hand wrapping constrictly around his arms. Raph thrashes uselessly as the ShellRaiser roars with life. He suddenly pulls his hand back and starts the vehicle, crazed laughter ringing as it speeds forward and massive tires run over plastron, a harsh crack echoing as he screams-

The door pulls open and Donnie demands, "You can't leave me alone, can you?"

Raph's hand goes to his chest. He says, "We're in trouble."

"No one's in trouble." His brother dismisses as he closes the door behind him. "Except my sanity. That's in major jeapordy."

"It's not a joke!" Raph insists, the wrong side of whiny, "Stop screwing with me!"

"You're the one harassing me." Donnie mocks as he walks over to his desk. It's empty. The computer's gone. Where did the computer go? "But you wouldn't be Raphael if you weren't blaming someone else for your issues."

Raph looks over his shoulder. He knows what happened the last time stuff started disappearing.

"Donnie," He watches him pick up a vial off the desk. "Where's your computer?"

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"It is when my brothers are being idiots."

The glass flies at him. Raph's sais are in his hands, colliding with the glass to knock it to the side.

Miraculously, it doesn't shatter until it hits the floor. He snaps, "WHY'D YOU-?!"

"WE'RE the idiots?" Donnie shouts over him. "We're not the ones who can't listen to basic instructions! We're not the ones who have a brain so small that we make up for it in muscle! We're not the ones who spend every day DESTROYING the self esteem of the PEOPLE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT!"

Raph's heart skips a beat, insides curling into an uncomfortable ball.

"No." Donnie growls. "That's just you."

Raph looks down at his sais, if only see he doesn't have to meet the accusing glare.

"Get out of my lab, Raph!"

"Not gonna happen!"

"Why not?! This has nothing to do with you!"

"You asked what I wanted?! Fine! I want you to fix the tv."

"That's your guy's problem! You rely on me too much! You need to learn how to figure things out yourself!"

"Oh, don't play noble with me!"

"You can't help but butt in everywhere that you're not wanted, can you?"

"I don't have to take this." Raph can't think straight. He can't think.

He goes to leave, but his brother's voice follows. "Oh, yeah! Run away! Wouldn't want you to have to face your idiocy!"

He stops. Oh no. He didn't not- "What did you just say?"

"That you're an idiot." Raph whirls, and Donnie meets his gaze smugly. "Everyone knows it. Even Mikey knows more than you."

"Are you kidding me right now?!"

"He's made more cures and contributions to this team than your fists ever have." Donnie leans against his desk, crossing his arms. "We all know it's true. You push him around and act like he's brain dead, and all it does is prove how heartless and insecure you really are."

"Mikey gets lucky!" He insists as he stomps over. "Mikey does whatever he wants because he knows we'll pick up his slack! He doesn't even know what he's doing most of the time and then acts like he's some genius!"

"More than we can say than you." Donnie sneers. "All you do is bring us down. You ever think that you're the reason that I might want to leave the sewers? That I might be tired of you reminding me of my failures over and over? That I'm done with your crass judgment and snide comments? Like you could ever do half of what I do?"

"I never said-!"

"But that's just it, isn't it? You can't grasp anything that I know, so you try and play it off like you're not an idiot."

"Take it back." Raph demands, fist curling.

"Why? Because you can't take the truth?"

"It's not true!"

"It is! And you just can't stand it! You can't stand how dumb you are! How weak and slow and useless your place really is! We don't need you. We've never needed you. A violent loser who only knows how to punch what we say you should punch. It's pathetic."

"You take that back or I'll-!"

"Punch me?" Donnie's tall. Donnie's always been tall, but now he seems to grow with every step towards Raph, eyes bright red against the shadows crossing his face. "Tear my shell off? Slap the head off my shoulders?"

Raph can't move. Donnie grins, teeth white against the black. "What good is a helpless brute without his meaningless threats? Or do they mean something? Would you follow through if we pushed hard enough? Would you crack open our shells? Knock out all our teeth? Cut off our fingers one by one?"

Raph's sais shake as Donnie holds out his hand. "Would you?"

"̴̬̀Ǵ̵̫o̴̻̚ ̴̟͐ơ̴̤n̵͚͊.̸̻͊ ̷̰̾Ṭ̵̚ĕ̷̥l̷̹̇l̶͈̍ ̴̘̿m̴̖̂ḛ̵̛ ̸͕͑w̵̧̎h̷̫͝ą̸͂t̸̤͑ ̴͖͂y̵̩͝o̴͇̍u̶̠͂'̷̠̍r̵͍͒e̶̫̊ ̸͋͜g̵̗̕ó̴̙ḯ̶̟n̴͙̚g̴͖͊ ̵̟̆ṭ̶̿o̶͍͆ ̶͚̄d̵̘̓ô̶̝ ̵̩͝t̴̺͑o̵͕̽ ̵͓̽m̷̧̈e̴̳̅.̷̢̓"̴̍ͅ

Raph's head jerks to track the whisper. Donnie grabs his wrist and leads the sai over his palm.

"Do it." His little brother whispers, back to his normal size. "Teach me a lesson. Prove you're not all talk. That big, baad Raphael means business." He places the blade against his fingers. "Or are you scared?"

He never looks away, holding Raph's frozen gaze. "Are you?"

"Stop." He tries to pull his arm back. "Stop it."

Donnie doesn't release.

"Donnie." He brings it down. Raph breaks eyes contact, shocked to watch it slice into skin. "Donnie!"

He drops his other sai to tear the fingers from his wrist, taking this weapon out of harms way. "What is wrong with-!"

"I knew it!" He laughs triumphantly, bloody hand still outstretched. "I knew it! You can't, can you? You act like you're so brave and strong and mean but you're not! You're a scared, walking husk of nothing-"

"Your hand-" Raph reaches out but Donnie tears it back. "Oh, you care now? Do you? I thought this was what you wanted."

There's blood dripping to the floor. Donnie wipes the hand down his chest, carelessly smearing his prints diagonally. "I bet that's why Splinter chose Leo. He saw how weak you were. How incapable you'd be. Not that you haven't ALREADY proven th-"

"What are you talking about." Anger seeps through his voice, but he's unsure if it has more to do with his words or the utter insanity of his actions. "Are you trying to tick me off?!"

"Because it's hard?" He's smiling. Why is he smiling. "No one's falling for it. This act. This ruse. Pretending like your just a big bully when you're an unstable, walking talki-"

"I'm not pretending anything!" Raph's hands move on their own, shoving him. Enough to get his point across, but not to unbalance him. "You're acting crazy! I don't know what's kicking around those brain cells, but you're going to kill it and quit it before you do something we'll both regret!"

"Like this?" He examines his hand. "Don't tell me you've never want to make me bleed."

"Why would I-?!"

"With that temper?" Raph grits his teeth. Donnie steps toward him. "See! That look! You want to shut me up, don't you? Same way you shut up Mikey? Are you going to hit me, Raph? Would that make you feel better?"

Raph starts to deny it, but his hands goes up as his mouth opens, and Donnie flinches.

Donnie flinches. Away from him.

He freezes. And Donnie murmurs, "You were going to hit me."

He didn't think he was. But then again, he shoved him. He didn't mean to do that. He wasn't intending to do anything now. Would he have hit him?

"You were." Donnie repeats, face darkening. "That's always how you solve your problems, isn't it. You yell, and you hit them away. What does that make us, Raph? The problem or the punching bag?"

"You're not-" His voice falters. "I wasn't gonna hit you."

"You were." Donnie counters without hesitation. Raph's heart races. "You don't know that."

"I don't miss the obvious." He leans forward and Raph steps back. "But I have to wonder. Does it feel good? Does it feel good to smack people around? To watch Mikey's smile fall when you throw him to the ground? Or maybe the defeat in Leo's eyes when you put him in his place? Do you enjoy it?"

"That's not- I don't- they're just-!"

"Must make your tiny ego so big." He tilts his head, looking Raph up and down. "But you could still do so much worse, couldn't you?"

His fists clench. "I..."

"I bet you think about it all the time." He's smiling again. Raph hates it. Hates. It. "How angry you are. How dangerous you are. It shows. Oh ho, it shows! You're so creative with your insults. It's like your brain is wired for violence. How do you sleep at night? How do you live like that, going about your day, knowing how easy it would be to kill any one of us when our back is turned-"

His fists shake. "Cut it out."

"-wouldn't even lose sleep over it. Because you were mad. You were angry. It's not your fault we do that to you. Isn't that the rhetoric you love t-"

There's blood on his plastron. Raph can't look away. "You're wrong-"

"-us. You could even do it with your bare hands! You're so strong. It would be a piece of cake to catch us off guard and slam our head into the wall, or floor, or the pavement!"

He puts his hands over his head, "Donnie-"

"Then you'd watch us bleed out slowly, little bits of bones littering the floor-"

He can see it. Picture it. "No!"

"Or would you rather have your hand around our throat, feeling the bone break beneath your fingers-"

"Quit it!"

"Or maybe you'd rather it be slow, soaking up every second as we choke and gasp beneath your might, begging for the sweet relief of air or death-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Why? Are you going to make me? Is it too real for you? Too familiar? It is, isn't it? I'm right and you just can't handle being WR-"

Raph's fist hits his jaw.

It happens so fast that he doesn't even feel the blow against his knuckles, fury and terror merged indistinguishably with one another as his brother hits the ground. He wants the images out of his mind, blurred along with everything in his peripheral, heavier than the breaths leaving his lips. He opens and closes his sweaty palms, trying to quell the pumping adrenaline beneath his skin.

He watches Donnie turn over to rest of his elbows, bringing a hand to his mouth to cup it. A sick pride takes hold, knowing that he shut him up and praying that he won't open it again now that he knows the consequences, but it dies when he coughs, gags, and then hacks out a spray of spit-drenched red and white.

There are three teeth in the shaking hand, laying potently in his palm.

Donnie's breathing increases, bordering hysterics as his shoulders hitch up and down. Raph moves for him. His brothers gaze shoots up, eyes glazed in fear, stopping him in his tracks. "Donnie-"

"No." He gasps, scrambling back. "Don't touch me!"

"Wait," Raph's argues, rapid. "Wait, hold up, I didn't mean-!"

"You did this." He throws the teeth on the ground, "You did!"

Raph can see the missing spots. The blurred edges return. "You wouldn't stop! You- you were being an idiot and you wouldn't-"

"Leave me alone!"

"No, Donnie-"

Donnie darts for the door. "LEO! SENSEI!"

"No, wait, I swear-!" Raph charges after him, pushing through the door as he tries to close it in his face. He looks around but Donnie's not in the main room. He frantically scans the area, listening for shouts and waiting to be caught.

Everything is silent.

"Raph?"

He jumps, elbows slamming the door as he faces his brother. "MIKEY!"

Mikey stares at him, subdued. "What are you doing? Where's Donnie?"

"I..." Raph looks over his shoulder. He exhales. "I don't know."

"You didn't hurt him, did you?"

Raph's head snaps toward Mikey, nerves buzzing, "Why would I hurt him."

Mikey doesn't answer. He releases the door, "Why would I hurt him?"

The youngest brother quickly puts steps between them, eyes wide. "I don't know!"

"Then why'd you ask?" He demands. "Why do you care?"

"I just don't want you to hurt him!"

"I'm not going to hurt anyone!" His heart is pounding. The accusation cuts into him, like a fresh wound against a knife. He can't remember having this conversation with anyone else, but the panic grips him. "I'm not dangerous!"

"You're not." Mikey agrees, trembling. Why is he trembling. "I know you're not! You- you don't have to be mad or an-"

"I'm not mad! I'M NOT MAD!" He stomps down the stairs. Mikey shrinks away from him. He points at him, frantic. "Stop it!"

"Raph." He croaks, small in posture and tone. No one should make Mikey look that way.

So why is Raph making him look that way?

And how! He's never, ever looked at Raph like- like he's actually a threat-

"Stop it!" His eyes are burning. The restless energy is choking him and he doesn't have any way to get it out that won't scare him. "You're not scared of me!"

"I'm just as much a ninja as you are!"

"Sure, you are." Raph's sneers as he jabs a finger into his plastron. "I've had to save your shell, how many times?"

"I never asked for your help!"

"I know!" Raph can feel a laugh punch out of him. Nothing about it contains any true joy, almost hysterical in nature."You're so delusional, you don't even realize how badly you need it!"

"STOP IT!"

Then Mikey shoves him and Raph jumps right into a tackle, ugly fury fulling every blow as he aims to prove that he's going to start this fight and he's not going to win. He's not going to let him win and he can't let him get the upper hand because if he does then he's never going to be able sleep through the night again-

"You're not!"

Mikey flinches and Raph hates it.

He's not! He's never been scared. Not of Raph!

He's just yells, doesn't he? He yells and shouts and whines until he gets his way!

That's how it's always been. That's- that's how it's supposed to be.

"Why are you all acting like such-"

He roughly grabs his arm and Mikey screams.

Not the normal, playful fear scream. Not the 'oh no, I've seriously messed up' scream. The kind of scream that one does in a horror movie when the killer has finally closed in. A desperate terror that only comes when a final breath draws near, and the only thing the body can do is cry out in a blood-curdling plea for help.

It drowns Raph as he rips his arm away, creating distance between them. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Raph! Please!"

He's crying. Raph made him cry. He didn't mean to. He didn't want to. Why is he crying what did Raph do did he hurt him is he hurt he can't be hurt he doesn't want to hurt anyone he didn't mean to he didn't mean to he didn't mea-

He reaches out. Mikey chokes on a sob and bolts.

Raph doesn't stop him.

"Are you surprised?"

Leo's voice is calm. So, impossiblty cool like he hadn't seen their baby brother run past him, centimeters away from clipping his shoulder. Nothing about his stance says that he's mad, but his eyes are downright icy, locking him in place like the passing of a psychic command.

"It was only a matter of time." Leo says without so much as a blink or a twitch. "He put on a brave face for as long as he could. They both did."

"I didn't hurt him." Raph hears himself say. "I barely touched him."

"Not today," Leo concents, sword in his hand. "But he hasn't exactly given you the chance. Not like Donnie did. Actually letting you in his lab. I don't know what he was thinking."

The memory clunks in, like a square block that doesn't quite fit in a rectangular hole. He remembers his sai pressing into bloody hands- the feel of his fist when it met his jaw- he can feel the pride the welled up at seeing him on the ground, like there could ever be a reason that he should have put his little brother there. He can picture his fear. Mikey's fear. Fear of him.

"Where is he?" He has to know that they're okay. "Where'd they go?"

He looks over Leo's shoulder. He doesn't know which direction they ran in.

He didn't get to see. He wasn't paying enough attention.

Did he ever?

"You really think I'm going to let you near them?" He looks Raph up and down, incredulous. "They're safer where they are."

"I'm not going to hurt them." Goosebumps travel down Raph's arms. He's said that before. "I- I don't want to hurt them. Just- I-lemme talk to them, I-"

"No." Leo passing a mocking smile, lips pursed. "Don't think I will. They deserve five minutes to feel safe. It's not exactly easy living with you."

"I just want to talk to-"

"No you don't." Leo cuts it, "You never just want to talk. It's never talking with you. It's screaming and hitting and borderline verbal abuse. But just talking? No. I don't think so."

"Leo." He tried, voice shaking. "Something's wrong."

"With you? Yeah. I know."

Then Leo turns away. And Raph feels goosebumps prick down his arm.

Panic climbs, heightening his pitch, "Where are you going?"

"To our brothers." Leo says, "To do what a brother's supposed to do."

"Wait," he begs. "Wait, I'm sorry."

He laughs, startled and sarcastic. His head shakes slowly, facing him. "Are you serious?"

"I-"

"You think you can just apologize?" He demands, smile sharp. "Years and years of mistreatment and you think I care about your apologies?"

"I wasn't trying to." Raph feels the heat burns. "I'd never do that on purpose! You know I wouldn't! I'd never-"

They're on the ground. Leo's hand is on his shoulder, a blade at his throat. Their faces are inches away as he leers. They've sparred a million times, and hundreds of those were duking out an argument. He's seen anger eat at his brother before. He's had his sword to his throat for for maybe ten of those fights when Leo really lost it. He was never scared, then.

He's scared now.

Raph's eyes are blown wide, voice small, "Leo?"

Leo's cold gaze pins him. "I could kill you right now. Slice your throat and be done with this crap. Whose fault would it be then, Raph? Mine or yours?"

"You're holding the weapon." Raph tries to strengthen his voice. "Not me."

"And how often are you the weapon, Raph?"

"I..." He loses the bravo. "I'm- I'm not-"

"Your hands. Your blows. They're always you." Leo taps his shoulder. "No matter what anyone says, you're the weapon. Always ready to fight. So smug when you win. It's never your fault. Never your problem. Turned Slash into a monster and then pushed him off a roof. Everyone's the enemy when you can't tolerate your friends. How long until you turn against us?"

"̷͚̋S̸̡̒e̵̠̅ë̴̝m̷̠̓s̷͍̑ ̷̞̊t̴̑͜o̶̖̾ ̶͈̊m̷̭̓ẹ̵͗ ̴̺͠ĺ̷̟ȉ̵͔k̸̳̏e̷͚̎ ̵͚̂y̶̹͗o̵̹̅ŭ̵̠ ̸̡̀ḿ̶̼í̵̼g̵̘̎h̷̗͊t̴̩͝ ̴͎̎h̷̭́ā̶̮v̸̨̓e̷̯̽ ̸̜̏b̶̛̜e̶̞̔e̸̗͋n̸̞̎ ̶̤̐t̵͔͊a̸̦͆k̶̨̐i̸̡̐n̵̗͑g̸̲̓ ̴̛̯p̸̰̔r̷͍̾ȇ̸ͅc̸̡̉a̷̖͠ů̴̫t̷͚̅i̶͖͋ò̸̤n̴̡͌s̷̽ͅ.̷̼̚ ̴͎̌D̶̻̽o̷̩͝ ̴̗̎w̷̺̄e̸͓͆ ̸̱́j̶̡̕u̸̞̒s̸͕̓ẗ̴͔ ̵̻̈́n̷̼̄e̶͈̚e̷̢͠d̴̜̀ ̸̰́ț̶̓o̸͔͋ ̴͙͠g̶͔̐i̶̱͌v̴̲̓e̷̝͂ ̸͓̃ỷ̸̪o̴͌͜ů̸̲ ̷̡͂m̸̱̏õ̷̧r̴̡͝e̵̻̒ ̵̫̋ơ̴͙ḟ̷̘ ̵̣͗à̸̳ ̷͚͛p̴̡̊u̷͕̾s̵̭͌h̷̨͂ ̶̫̊n̷̡̊ḛ̵̃x̸̨̊t̵̲͗ ̷̜̋t̴̢̀i̴̲͠m̷̭͝e̶̢̎?̵̱̒"̵̾ͅ

"I wouldn't." He swears. "You know I wouldn't."

"I know you better than you know yourself." Leo pulls the sword up. "And that's the only reason that you're still here. Because I'd like to think my brother is somewhere in there" He stands, letting it scrape the floor as he walks away. "And on the day I can't see him..." He lifts it to look at Raph through the reflection of his blade. "All that's left is a threat."

"I'm not a threat." Raph sits up. His arms shake. "You can't believe that."

"You said it yourself." Leo sheaths his sword. "No matter how hard you try, you can't control yourself. And I can't deal with this."

"You promised." He whispers. "You promised we'd figure this out. You said-"

"That's not how I remember it."

"I've been trying! I've been trying and tryin', but I just! I just!"

"Can't?"

Leo's glare is cold with a judgement that slices deep into his heart, as if he's seeing all of Raph's flaws at once, as if he's realizing that he can't be helped. "It's like you're not even going to try. I thought you were the strong one, Raph."

"I am!"

"Sure." Leo narrows his eyes. "So strong he's giving up the battle. I can't believe you. What would Splinter say?"

"Don't you-!"

"Bet he'd be disappointed. He always was." The wound from the blade bleeds out, and Raph feels like it's corrupting every inch of him. "Some days it's like you don't even try. I hope you enjoy it out there, because I don't want you coming back. That's what you want, right? Life away from us? So go! And don't bother coming home until you get your act together."

"No." Raph whispers, grabbing at his head. "No! That's not what happened! That's not-"

"It's exactly what happened." Leo snaps. "And then you still came home. And you're still throwing your fits. So fine. Throw your tantrums. Just do it alone."

"You can't leave me-"

"Watch me." Leo moves to the turnstiles. Raph steps to follow him.

Throwing stars impale at his feet and he jumps back.

"Don't," Leo growls. "Don't you try me right now."

"Brother-"

"Stay here, Raph!" He commands furiously. "And think about what you did!"

Leo turns and takes off to the tracks before he can get a word in.

Sinking to the ground with the throwing stares, he stays.

He doesn't know what there is to think about. He doesn't know what he did.

Raph can't help but think that might be the problem.