It's so hard to explain

With your heart in a cage

Only whisper but you wanna shout

'Cause the second you wake

Too much pressure to take

Every part of you wants to cry out

***

"I'm gonna lead them away. Stay here. You'll only slow me down."

"What?" Donnie wants to scream at him for such an idoitic suggestion, but he can barely breathe. "That's- terrible idea. We have... to stay together."

"You're drugged and I'm not having this argument with you." Raph glares back at him. Every muscle is tense and his expression is irate with a fury that would normally have one of them keeping him in place and calming him down. 

Donnie would try, but he has a feeling that if he moves he's going to end up on the ground, and Raph would absolutely take advatage to leave. "I can take care of myself."

"But-!" Donnie struggles to come up with a  convincing argument, terrified of Raph leaving, and terrified to be left alone, terrified that his mind is slipping through his fingers while danger lurks so close, leaving him to grapple for any kind of hold on reailty. 

Of course, he knows that Raph can take care of himself. But he's insanely outnumbered and outweaponed and they almost killed him last time and if he fights they could kill him or kidnap him and hurt him dissect him and if he leaves than Donnie can't help and he'll be alone and they'll both be alone and they'll find them him and he can't go through that again he can't-

Raph's blurred around the edges when he enters into his line of sight. Donnie's taken off his feet and he latches onto his older brother. Don't go. Don't go.

"I'm just gonna lead them away, and I can't have dead weight." Raph's words are blunt and harsh, but his eyes have softened. "I'll be right back for you, soon as I get rid of these bozos. But you have to stay here."

It's firm, like a promise.

Donnie has to stay so Raph can come back.

He can see that he's not going to be able to talk him out of it. 

"No- fighting. Can't win. Just... Lead 'em away."

"Stay here, Don." 

Donnie thinks that's the closest thing to an affirmative that he's going to get. 

He lets go and watches his older brother move away. Raph looks back just once, a confident anger in a firey gaze, and then he's gone. Donnie swallows his fear.

He'll come back. He'll be back. 

He promised.

***

Donnie misses the ladder. 

A flush of adrenaline kicks in as he releases the thing in his hand to grab hold of the fire escape, dragging himself up. He drops onto the medal and almost crumbles to his knees, grabbing the bar next to him as the world spins into a woozy mess. His breaths are heavy as he leans over the rails. He feels like his entire body trembles with the weakness.

He looks down, recognizing his t-phone on the ground; the screen shattered. 

He is... Really high up.

He closes his eyes and blocks out the swimming ground, trying to steady the heartrate that is wildly out of beat. He needs to relax. Breathe, Donatello. Breathe. Breathe... 

He remains unmoving for a few peaceful moments, jerking backward when his senses are launched into the sensation of falling, slamming his carapace into the stairway behind him.

Sewer apples, he almost-

Don't think about it.

He does anyway because his brain is horrible like that. It floods with images of cracked carapaces and bloodstained garage, the body morphing from something long to a shell that's compact and bulky. A mask as red as the liquid that coats the ground.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't pass out.

He swallows thickly, deciding that staying put is unsafe if he's trying not to give into the pull of unconsciousness. He gets the feeling this isn't the first time he's come to a similar conclusion.

Donnie forces himself onto two feet and looks up. Three stairways from the roof. He grabs the railing and starts moving. His right ankle aches with every step. He vaguely recalls knocking it against something during his sprint, but it's pushed aside. 

He makes it to the rooftop, hoisting himself up the ladder and over the few inches of parapet, collapsing to collect his energy. There's color behind his close eyes, so he opens them. There is one word spelled out in large glowing letters on the building across from him, and his world stalls.

Right underneath the lettering, a purple glow illuminates a snake enclosed in a hexagon. 

Bio-Spawn.

Raph.

Donnie all but throws himself to his feet and staggers over to the water tower that blocks some of his view of the massive building. He grabs onto the tower leg and scans the facility that has to have something to do with his brother's de- disappearence. 

If the others won't let him help, then he'll just have to go on his own. 

He releases the metal and pulls out his grappling hook. He doesn't know if he can jump that far and he would rather have a smooth descent anyway. 

He heads to the other side of the roof and tries to aim at the flagpoll above the window that leads into a dark room. Tries is exactly the right word for it because his hand won't stop shaking and if he hits the window, alarms could alert the entire building of an invader. 

He lowers it with a frustrated growl and then closes his eyes, willing whatever it is that encourages his body's disobedience to stop. Just need to calm down. Like Sensei says. Nin means patience and perseverance. He needs to breathe and focus. Breathe. Breathe. 

Raph needs him.

He opens his eyes with steady hands and-

"Donnie!"

-his arms jerk and the grapple bounces off the opposite wall, falling and uselessly hitting the side of the building. Donnie follows it down to the wide-eyed little brother on the ground. For a long moment, he only stares. Then he realizes why they're here and tears away his gaze. 

He presses for the grapple to reload, gritting his teeth as it pulls the wire back in at what feels like a far slower pace than need-be. "Come on, come on, come on-"

"Donatello, what are you doing?"

His shoulders hike up but he doesn't dare look back at Leo. "I'm finding our brother."

"Donnie-"

"I found a new lead and I'm finding him!"

"Donnie, he's-"

"Shut up!" Donnie whirls to glare at April. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

April's eyes dart about his face in shock as Casey grabs hold of her arm, "Dude, listen to her! The mafia dudes, they said-"

"I don't care what they said. They're a bunch of criminals and liars and he's out there so I'm going to find him!" The grapple finishes and he moves to take aim, but his wrist is grabbed by his older brother. "Donnie, please, you're not-"

"I'm fine!" He wrenches his hand away, barely keeping his footing as he stumbles on throbbing ankle. "Stop fussing over things that don't matter! We have to find Raph!"

"Donnie-"

He's just gonna gonna have to spell it out for them, isn't he?

He grits his teeth. "Was there a body?"

Leo stiffens and Donnie finally brings himself to meet his gaze. "Was. There. A. Body?" 

His older brother only swallows, bringing a fist to his chest, so he turns to the others, throwing out both arms. "Well?"

"No." Casey admits reluctantly. "But they-"

"Then he's not dead." Donnie bursts before he can repeat the meaningless piece of information. "No body means there's no proof which means he's not dead!" 

"They believed it." April speaks up with glassy eyes. "Every single word. They believed it." 

"So?!"

"So?!" She scrubs at her eyes. "They were telling the truth! I felt it!" 

"Because the infallible April couldn't possibly be wrong!" Donnie snarls with the bitterness that corrodes his thoughts. He doesn't know why she won't drop the subject or why she's mourning over what's not lost. "Or maybe you're not as all powerful as you pretend you are! Where were your senses and feelings when they knocked me out and took Raph?" 

April turns away from him, bringing a trembling hand to her mouth and shaking her head. Casey throws an arm in front of her, warning. "Watch it! I get this is all kinds of wrong, but you can't blame her!"

"I wasn't blaming anyone!" He wasn't, really, but now he thinks maybe it did sound like that by the way she's letting Casey act as her shield. "I just want you all to stop being so naive! Since when do we trust the villains? Or the mafia?!" 

"Since when do you doubt April!" Casey challenges venomously. "You know what those guys were going to do to you! What makes you think they wouldn't- they wouldn't- " 

He clenches his fists and glares at the rooftop below. Leo takes over, his voice weak. "Dee. Can we talk about this. Somewhere safer?" 

"No." He angles back toward the building. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"Why?" Donnie searches for accusation in the tone, but the curiosity sounds genuine. "Why are you here, Donnie?" 

"They have something to do with the mafia. Some connection to Raph." He looks up. Leo steps towards him. Once. Cautious. "I have to figure this out, Leo. I can't sit back anymore. Not when I have a lead-"

"You never mentioned this." No accusation. A downward crease of the mouth. "This place? Where are we?"

"Bio-tech company. They were in the mafia's files, or synced up to them- the- the systems-" He shakes his head, lowering the grappling hook. "They're connected, Leo, it's a lead. We can find him. I just need a chance to look around-" 

"There are lights on. Multiple windows lit. There are people inside." Leo is across from him, firm and steady with a glassy sheen across his eyes and not listening. "Besides, they didn't take him. Another guy did. They didn't even know-"

"That's what they said." He looks at the ground, unable to hold his gaze. "That doesn't make it true. We're ninja. We can get in and out unseen. I can-" 

"We can." Donnie looks up, shocked swallowed by relief. "But not here. Not now, okay?"

He hesitates, eyes darting for the building. "Why not?" 

"We don't know what we're walking into. We don't even know where we're going once we're in." Leo's hand moves into his peripheral. "We can gather information. Talk to the Mutanimals. You know I don't like to rush into things, Dee. Let's come back. We can talk this through and then we can come back. Yeah?"

Donnie isn't the best people person, but he knows his brothers. He knows how to tell when Mikey's smile is a little too tight. He knows when Raph's snide remarks about his actions on the field are words of concern rather than criticism. He knows that Leo only dares to look another in the eye when he's absolutely certain that he isn't lying because he knows that even a glimmer of guilt will give him away. 

"Dee?"

Donnie thinks he should have spent more time in front of the mirror. 

He realizes the inching hand's intent as it nears its target, heart burning through his veins as he protectively tightens his grip over the grappling hook. He's swinging before he realizes that he's clenched his fist, slamming his brother in the mouth so hard that he stumbles. He doesn't think twice to darting forward and kicking him hard enough to clear plenty of space between them. 

"You LIAR." He snarls so loud that it breaks shatters the fragile hope that had begun to blossom. His eyes sting as he watches him get to his feet, fingers pressing against the blood dripping from his mouth. "You don't mean a single WORD of that, do you? Since when do you run into things?! When family is involved? PLEASE! Since when DON'T you?!" 

Leo doesn't say a word against what they both know is true and Donnie wishes that one person in his family wasn't an absolute idiot. "You practically ordered us to charge Shredder's base when the Foot took Raph for the brain worm! What makes this any different?! You're just trying to drag me home so you can lock me up and play that our brother is dead."

"HEY! Don't you-"

"Would you SHUT UP!" Donnie whirls on the good-for-nothing hockey player who can't ever mind his own business. "Since when do you buy into the villains'  hands, Jones? Since when do you care if the odds are a'hundred to none? Why do you always have to be just the WORST at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME?!" 

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Casey surges for him but April throws herself in the way. "Casey, he doesn't mean it, he's scared, upset, please-" 

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DITCHES HOME TO GO GET HIMSELF KILLED AND IS ACTING LIKE A TOTAL JERK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?!" 

"ME?!" Donnie throws up his hands. "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! IT'S ABOUT RAPH!" 

"Casey." Leo's voice is impossibly calm for someone who just got socked in the face and is trying to intervene a screaming match. His wrapping are smeared with scarlet. 

Casey snarls, a loud and dominating sound, and turns his face away. April leans against his chest, hiding her face from view. Donnie wants nothing more than to shove them apart, blinded by the image of Casey tripping off the roof. The blood on his suit when he hits the ground.

The blood on scarlet robe and brown fur. 

Bright red oozing down plastron.

He shakes his head as his breaths come in short pants. He refocuses on the grappling hook on his hand and the air that isn't coming into his lungs. He looks to the building, attention darting to Leo when he moves. He stops, hands out, like one attempting to approach a wounded animal.

Donnie hates that his voice shakes as if he has any reason to be upset. As if he has the right to make Donnie feel guilty when they're the ones at fault.  

"Donnie, you're upset and I get it but this isn't-"

"I am not going anywhere!" Donnie interrupts. He locks the grapple back in place, focusing his gaze on the building. "So just back off already!"

His voice rises in pitch. "You know I can't do that!" 

"Can't or won't?"

"As your Sensei-"

His head whips, eyes ablaze. "Don't you DARE-"

"-to come home-"

"-not LEAVING HIM-"

"-talk this out!"

"-ually do something!" 

"Why won't you listen to me?!"

"I've done everything you asked! Now it's MY turn to try-"

"We all tried and we found our answer-"

"So you're just giving up on him-?!" 

"I am not and you know it-" 

"I am finding our BROTHER-" 

"And if there's NOTHING TO FIND?!" 

Donnie snaps his hold on sanity and tosses it away like the slim twig it is.

"THAT IS IT! STOP ACTING LIKE HE'S DEAD! YOU'RE BUYING INTO IT AND GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S NOT-!"

He's slammed with enough force that he hits the ground. He process the fact that the grapple is no longer in his hands, panic a cold dose of ice down his spine. He goes through the motions of shoving Mikey off of him and resuming his mission, but pauses at the tremors under his finger tips. It dawns on him how quiet his little brother has been through this whole argument and how scared he must be after the absolute gullibilty that has corrupted their family. 

He's always been the last one to accept the obvious. It's not fair that they're doing this to him. 

"He's not." Donnie's voice quivers as he gives up the fight. He wraps his arms around him, pleading. "He's not, Mikey. He can't be. We need to find him."

"I miss him." Mikey whispers, a fragile truth breaking at the seams. "I miss him so much." 

"I-I do too, Mike, I-" The pain strengthens at his resolve. "That's why I have to find him. I have to."

"You'll get hurt." Mikey hides his eyes in his neck, squeezing tighter around his shell. "They'll get you and I'll lose you too." 

"Mikey, that's not fair." He begs weakly, blinking away the blurs that cloud his vision. 

He expects to see his older brother scowling at the both of them, looking for that reminder of why he needs to fight this- but all he finds are glassy eyes and a trembling fist locked over his heart, staring at them with a defeat so deep that Donnie can feel it in his core. 

Leo's breath hitches when their eyes meet. He looks to the side, where his gaze rises.

Donnie follows it to the purple glow that conceals the key to finding their brother. 

The purple shines like a beacon. A sign. 

No turtle left behind.

His hands fall away from Mikey's shell, agony swirling into something he can use. 

"He's still out there."

"Donnie, no-"

"He is." He swallows, each heartbeat harsher than the last. "He- he's coming back. He's trying to come back, but I have to help him."

"He did try and they- th-the-y had p-proof-"

"Without a body there is no proof." His tone loses all trace of the gentle conviction. "I will not make a gamble on my brother's life based on someone's word." He tears his gaze away and it falls on the grappling hook several feet away. He pulls his arms back, hands tight on his brother's biceps. "Mikey, I can't abandon him-"

"Donnie, Donnie- please. Please." 

"N-no turtle left behind. No turtle left behind." Donnie whispers like a prayer, ignoring the desperation in his tone. He pushes down to force him to detach. Mikey's tear-stricken face comes into view, haunted by a new kind of betrayal, searching his face for a weakness that Donnie will never let him find. He rises, the world trying to tilt, body unsteady. 

It doesn't need to be this way. They could- should work together on this. "No turtle left behind. He- he wouldn't, Mikey. I can't." 

Mikey shakes his head, getting to his feet and reaching out. 

Donnie doesn't dare let him touch. 

Something burns behind that glassy sheen, brighter than he's ever seen. "Don't you get it?! He already did!"

"He said he'd come back." Donnie reiterates. Mikey wasn't there. He can't possibly know. None of them know- they can't understand. "He was coming back, but they got him. He- he was just trying to help and now he needs help and I'm going to help him!"

"He left you!" Mikey challenges as his voice rises. "He dumped you in a basement and he left!"

"He was protecting me!"

"HE COULD HAVE STAYED!" All pretense of vulnerablity is gone. The anguish seems to solidify into something much uglier. If he believed that Mikey was capable of such an emotion, he would have thought it was hate. "He could have waited with you! But he didn't and they took him!" 

"He was leading them away-!" 

Mikey barks out a jagged laugh, broken and twisted. "My bad! Raph decided not to go punch the baddies and just ran away! Good little soldier retreat! Do you HEAR YOURSELF?!" 

Donnie flinches and Mikey's mock smile falls. "Dude. Raph did what Raph wanted just like always. He left the lair. He went to knock heads. And then after he dumped you, he fought the bad guys. And now he's gone. He lied to you, Donnie! He's not coming back!"

"He's not the only liar." Donnie matches the intensity. "You wanna know the truth? I dragged Raph out here. I told Raph I wanted some action. I encouraged him into the warehouse. The only reason anything happened was because of me." 

Mikey deflates, hands pulled to his chest as he steps back. His voice is small, choked by the reemerging betrayal. "...What?"

"Yeah! Right? Crazy, how easy you believe something just because someone says it's true." Donnie sneers, determined to get the truth through his thick, empty skull. "Raph found me. Raph SAVED me. And Raph would never leave any of us behind. So I'm. Not. Leaving HIM! Now, how about you LISTEN for once in your life, shut your useless mouth, step back, and let the only reasonable adult handle this." 

"No!" Mikey bursts, stomping like a petulant toddler in the midst of a tantrum. It only proves Donnie's point despite him standing firm as watery eyes spill over, body shaking with the emotions that demand release. "For once, you're the one who needs to listen! You keep telling us about how well you know those jerks- how quickly they wanted to- to cut you up-"

A sob breaks past his defenses. He swipes at his face, desperately trying to wipe away the proof of the agony eating him up on the inside. "It was a few hours- a few hours- and we barely got there! They hate us! That's why the big bad humans always take the m-monsters! To poke and stab and hook their brains up to scary machines!"

Mikey gives up the fight to remove the streaming agony, anger and pain lacing every syllable. "I'm not wrong! I'm not! We know they took him and we know he would have been Raph the whole time and he'd fight and t-try to escape so-so they-"

His voice cracks, jagged and sharp and painful as the truth sinks in, and he crumbles to the ground under the weight of it. This is the first time that Leo moves. He reaches out a hand, but his legs don't travel the distance. It stays, outstretched and unwanted, as their brother falters.

Donnie can't look away, but he recognizes the cry of a wound far deeper than anything else. He can still hear his own in the back of his mind, overcome by the moment where his father is flung. He barely registers the sound of sneakers slapping concrete, of wood cracking and splitting as it meets a stronger force.

Donnie feels something dense tug at his chest and reach into his lungs, tearing the air out and leaving him breathless. He can feel the ache seeping in, head shaking with calculated swings as he numbs himself to what can't be true, pushing away the images that have been trying to claim dominance since he awoke without a brother. 

He stares at Mikey, unable to bring himself to do much else.

"He was trying to get out! He was fighting so hard but he was all alone and scared and hurt- they h-hurt him and cut him and he couldn't do an-anythi-ing! They h-hurt him a-and they- they ki-ki-i-ii-it's not fffair- he was sca-ared and he-he wa-wanted to go hhomme-"

He tampers off and Donnie blinks, noting that April has found her way to his side and Mikey's buried his face into her shoulder, shielded away from the horrors that lace each word. She shushes him, running a quivering hand along the back of his scalp, gentle and comforting. 

A part of Donnie wants that. Another part hisses that he doesn't deserve it. 

"Does that ever make you feel guilty?"

Donnie realizes that Casey and Leo are no longer in sight. 

"Sometimes."

His body starts moving on its own.

Mikey snivels weakly, pushing into her,  "I ca- I can't- 'P- Pril- I-I w-wan' go h-home." 

"I know." Is the tearful whisper. "I know- me too." 

Donnie's hand closes around the grappling hook. 

"I do. Feel guilty."

Every muscle in his body seizes. 

"...You? Really?"

He pitches forward before he realizes he's falling, preventing from hitting the ground by a hand around his waist. His body tilts, the weight shifted backward onto a firm surface, finger pressing into the pressure point and keeping him paralyzed. A whimper barely escapes his throat, tears breaking free of confinement now that he can't blink them back.

"I know. I'm sorry, little brother, I-" A voice thinner than the air around them begs a forgiveness that he can't muster. "We can't lose you too. I can't lose you too. I won't." 

"Don't want people gettin' hurt."

Donnie can't respond. Can't move. Can barely think. 

"Mikey." Leo chokes from overhead. "Mikey, I need a chuck."

Panic seers adrenaline through his chest. He remains motionless. 

"So, yeah."

Mikey tears away from April like the action physically pains him. 

"What?"

Leo tightens his hold, voice warbling. 

"Mikey, please." 

Donnie can see the way he recoils and thinks he'll say no.

"Contradictory wants." 

Lower lip trembling, Mikey stumbles to his feet. 

"Wonder what that says about us."

Pinprick pupils look to April 

She doesn't even turn, shoulders hitching up as she curls around herself, head bowed.

Any of the hope that Donnie clings too crumbles around him.

It dawns on him that they're truly willing to leave him for dead. 

They're not going to let him bring their brother home. He doesn't even get to try.

Raph's going to die in the midst of their worst nightmare and they're going to let it happen. 

"I got your guys' shells, Don."

He risked his life doing what he always did, protecting them.

And they're leaving him for dead.

"Nothing's going to happen while I'm around."

He wants to struggle. He wants to kick and beg and scream.

"I've got yours too."

Leo adjusts him up. Mikey undoes the chain.

"All of us do."

Once again, he has no choice but to stay.

"Sorry, Dee." 

Only now, he knows the voice of a promise never meant to be kept. 

"It'll be okay, little brother."