“Hello, Soobin. How are you feeling right now?”

Soobin started pulling the hem of his jacket that’s wrapping his arms. He also keeps on biting his dry and pale lips. His eyes are wandering as he feels anxious around the psychiatrist that’s in front of him.

The doctor smiles, “It’s okay. It’s a bit cold in my office? Want me to turn of the AC?” he asks, friendly.

Soobin meet his gaze, “I-it’s fine…” he answered almost panicking. Then he felt Beomgyu’s hand wraps his fingers. He looks at Beomgyu who’s smiling so sweetly at him and Soobin nods.

The doctor started asking friendly questions to Soobin as a starting then he gave him some kind of a questionnaire to answer alone as the doctor talked to Beomgyu.

“Do his legal guardians know about this?” Dr. Kwon asks while he’s writing some medications.

Beomgyu shook his head, “No, doc. I want to keep it private what’s happening to him,” he answered.

“I see,” Dr. Kwon responded and stops on writing to face Beomgyu. “For now what you should do is change Soobin’s surrounding to lessen the memories of someone. Also gadgets please keep it away from him, what you can do is take him to where there’s less people; can be nature tripping to reconnect with his self and whenever he’s feeling it just communicate and made him drink this.”

Beomgu nods at the doctor’s instruction, “Yes, doc. How long will it takes for him to fully recover?”

“Actually that question depends on how the patient is willing to get healed. I will do everything that I can to shorten it but expect the therapy will be long because patients relapse from time to time. Don’t worry, as long as your friend has you, he can surely win,” Dr. Kwon answered with a hopeful smile.

Choi Beomgyu and Soobin started sleeping together after the consultation. As what instructed, Beomgyu decided to keep Soobin’s phone away from him and he started buying some adult toys such as Lego and remote control cars. He also downloaded some movies where they can watch together. Whenever Soobin is sleeping at day, Beomgyu’s reorganizing and repaints Soobin’s room to make it new. Soobin cries at night and of course looks for sex but Beomgyu always tries his best to calm Soobin.

It’s hard. Beomgyu needed to pass some other requirements before they graduate and he’s doing it alone for him and Soobin but he needed to be strong for his friend. He never talked to Taehyun as well after their argument.

Beomgyu just got home from school and he’s tired from running errands and when he looks for Soobin inside his room and he isn’t in there. He’s not in the bathroom either. He started calling him but remembers Soobin has no phone.

“Fuck, where you are Choi Soobin?” he cursed and runs on the hallway until he reached the lobby. “Have you seen Choi Soobin?”

“Oh, Soobin went out earlier. A taxi picked him up outside,” the lady from the frontdesk answered.

“Huh!? Who!? Heading to where!?” Beomgyu frowns.

“N-not familiar,” she answered and hears Beomgyu cursed as he rushed outside to get on the car.

Choi Soobin found himself getting off in front of a private subdivision where Yeonjun is living. He walks towards the gate and he quickly stopped by the attending guard.

“Who are you going to visit, sir?” he asked.

“Choi Yeonjun…” he muttered.

“Mr. Choi Yeonjun isn’t here, sir. He left his house close and he didn’t left any instruction about visitation,” the guard replied.

“Where did he go?” Soobin asked again.

“I do not know anything about that, sir.”

“Why did he leave?” Soobin asked again, feeling some tears around his eyes. “Why…”

“Ah…” the guard doesn’t know what to say. “How about you call him, sir?”

Soobin just shook his head as an answer and he started walking away. He walks with no sense of direction. It’s night, it’s cold. He’s wearing a cotton hoodie of Beomgyu, in pajamas, and slippers. He started crying as he walks on the sidewalk asking himself when did everything goes wrong?

Was it his fault to get attached that easy? Was it his fault that he falls in love? Was it his fault for expecting things between them? If so, why? Why is it his fault when he just loves? Is it wrong to expect things could go deeper?

Thoughts are killing Soobin’s head. There are too many voices; some telling him to go home, some telling him he to get fucked, some telling him he doesn’t deserve to live, and some telling him he doesn’t deserve to be loved.

How can a simple addiction of watching adult videos will turn worst as this? Research said, porn addiction has detrimental effects on brain function, it alters yours brain structure and also affects your brain chemical balance such as too much releasing of dopamine out of the brain’s sufficient release causing the addict to crave for more. Furthermore, once the addict is overstimulated and feeling dense it causes him to crave for more and seek for more. Normally, dopamine will switch off automatically once the craving satisfied but since your brain is craving for more such as watching a heterosexual sex seems boring to you already, you’ll try more thrilling genre such us bisexual threesome, gangbangs, double penetration, and other extreme sex activity only for your brain to reach the satisfaction you are craving. Once pornography rewires your brain, that’s when it can also affect your relationship to others. Failing of your neurotransmitter to reach your satisfaction can lead to compulsive sex and intimacy disorder.

What’s happening to Choi Soobin?

Soobin pauses from walking and look at his hand that is been shaking for a while now. He then felt some cold raindrops on his palm. He looks up and he felt the same feeling on his face while slowly closing and opening his eyes again.

“Soobin! Choi Soobin!”

Soobin heard a familiar voice calling his name from the other side of the road. He saw him in there standing and smiling at him. Soobin stood straight and smiles back, he even chuckles while looking down at his feet with blurry eyes because of rain and his tears. He look back to the person he saw and he’s still in there smiling at him. Soobin lifted his foot, ready to cross without hesitation.

“I know you’ll comeback for me, Choi Yeonjun—”

Soobin felt a grip on his arm and pulled him back to the sidewalk and there he saw Beomgyu in rage and glaring at him while his jaw is at clench.

“B-Beomgyu… why…”

“Are you stupid!? Do you want to die that hard!?” Beomgyu screams while tears escaping his eyes.

Soobin gasp and look at the other side, his eyes widen when he saw there’s no one in there. Beomgyu hugs him tight and hears him sob for the first time. Soobin’s chin rested on Beomgyu as he cries silently.

“Soobin, please. Please get back to yourself now, please. Soobin, I’m here. I’m still here. Soobin you aren’t alone and you don’t have any fault, okay? So please. Please baby, don’t do this to yourself,” Beomgyu pleaded between his sobs.

The older gripped Beomgyu’s clothes and stops himself from causing any sounds. They both cried in there, under the rain, while hugging each other. A sign of friendship that they can’t lose each other no matter what.

Beomgyu held Soobin’s cheek and smiles at him. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay, trust me. You’ll be fine. You’ll get healed, you’ll moved on. It’s hard at first but let’s trust the process, huh? Please? I’ll be with you. I’ll be right beside you no matter what; in all your sessions and whatever you want to do, okay? Soobin, you’ll be fine.”

Soobin nods and tried to smile despite of how his chin shakes uncontrollably, “T-thank you Beomgyu. I’m sorry,” he apologized.

Beomgyu hugs him again, “I love you, Soob… So please love yourself again.”