One day I decided to try on a kimono. I got dolled up for no other reason than I simply wanted to. One of the villagers had given me some dresses and hair clips since she could no longer use them, and I decided to hold on to them.

I didn't have to do any more chores that day aside from feeding my animals, so afterward I dressed up.

Madara and Hashirama visited me once I was finished getting ready, and both boys did a double-take when they saw me.

"Whoa!" Hashirama exclaimed, his eyes bulging. "I-I'm sorry, Sasori! I thought you were a boy."

"M-Me too," Madara added, gaping.

"You were right," I said, "I was a boy when I met both of you. But today I want to be a girl."

This threw both boys for a loop.

Hashirama asked me, astounded, "You can do that?"

"Sure. I just did."

Both of their faces scrunched up as the eight-year-olds considered this.

Madara asked me, "Do we still call you Sasori?"

"Yep."

"Okay," they said.

And that was that.

Or so it was supposed to be.

Madara continued to peer at me and asked a question only an innocent child could get away with. "So... do you have a dick or not?"

"Do you lose it if you dress up like a girl?" Hashirama gasped.

I snorted, biting my tongue to keep from making an inappropriate remark.

'Children. They're only children,' I reminded myself.

"Won't say," I said with a big grin. "Am I biologically male or female? You'll never know."

Madara and Hashirama made a move to grab the kimono and I gracefully stepped aside, my grin stretching wider.

"Honey, you're both too slow to find out that way."

That lit a fire in their eyes and so began one of the longest challenges in our lives.

(It eventually got so big and popular that the entire Uchiha and Senju—and later Uzumaki—started to take bets on who would be the first to find out, and whether or not I had a dick. Glorious.)

H̰̝̔̓͐ͧ̚e͙̫̭̣̭͑̒ͣ̚l͙̣̬̈́̃͒̄l̩̱̮ͅo̪̩͑ͯ̀ͬ,̩̖̬̜͐͋ ̬̥̳ͯd̪͂ͫȍ̺̩͓͔̮ ̘͒ͩy̆̒̑o̖̦̘ű̝͔̱̙̄ ͙̭̫͕͗͂̓̾r̜̟͇̠͌̐ͭe̱̺̺̝m̰̭ė̮ͤ̑̐̀mͮ̄b̪̟̭ͧͭ̇̓ͅẽ̯̤͕́r̖ͫ ̗͒̀̍̂̉m͉̜̊ͯ̃̒͆e̱͉̊́̉̇ͧͅ?̟̝ͬ̓ͥ͗͗ͅ

Time was a fickle thing. Days it could drag on, and years could fly by in the blink of an eye. Life was relatively peaceful for me.

On days that Madara, Hashirama, and their brothers were available to train with me they hurried over without hesitation. They would enjoy breakfast, slowly warming up to one another as they were given more opportunities to bond, then start a day of heavy labor and intense training. They didn't shy away from my meticulous methods, all taking them in stride.

Except for little Itama who was simply too physically weak to do so. Instead, the little cutie sat in my lap and learned about anatomy from the books I recreated and diagrams I drew from memory.

And yeah, he was basically learning anatomy before finishing his education to read and write.

Madara, and Hashirama, had an interest in healing but not to the extent they wanted to stop learning super cool ninja stuff. Basic trauma care was enough to satisfy their thirst for medical knowledge, and instead, they soaked up what ninjutsu I could pass on to them.

It hella ruined the timeline since I gleefully taught them things that wouldn't be invented for another few decades.

Izuna and Tobirama weren't quite as eager as their older brothers to train under me. Something about me being a crazy hermit, or whatever.

The little sweeties actually started to actively avoid coming over to my home, their older brothers forcibly dragging them out. Tobirama ripped the bark off a poor tree he was clinging onto in a desperate attempt to avoid my training.

What a silly bean!

His tears of despair only inspired me for more training.

Izuna had taken to hiding from his brother. One day Madara couldn't find him, and so I had to pull out the ol' I'm a chakra sensor because why the fuck not and hunt him down.

OH, his scream was so delightful it made me laugh for hours.

What a little paradise I had found myself in.

After training with these children, and once night had fallen, I set out to expand my hiraishin network.

I mean, I spent so many years perfecting the hiraishin in Miwako / Miwa's life why the heck would I not use it? An entire network across the countries, so I could zip into any city or town without any fuss or travel. At night, I'd send out several clones to teleport to the furthest markers I had then sent them off to travel through the night. They either had to reach a town or if they were still stuck in the wilderness by dawn then they had to mark a tree or something and come back to it.

One year of this turned into two, followed by another pair and before I knew it I was physically eleven years old again, with Madara and Hashirama right at my heels.

Now, one might wonder how exactly Madara and Hashirama were able to remain friends for so long despite being in different clans—correction, in enemy clans?

The answer was obvious: Me.

I was the single greatest doctor in that current timeline. It wasn't arrogance, it was a simple fact. I had centuries of experience under my belt, and there was nothing new or outrageous to throw me for a loop.

When the Senju and Uchiha were dispatched out on missions I gave them a modified version of my hiraishin. If they tore the paper, I would appear before them and heal whoever needed me. If they tried to unlock the fūinjutsu on it to view the entire algorithm it would explode and my services would end.

I would send these tags back home with Madara and Hashirama, and they were used like candy. I lost count of how many times I was summoned in the middle of a chaotic battlefield and asked to save someone who had their intestines scattered across.

I mean, I couldn't do anything if they got decapitated but thankfully—or maybe fatefully?—shinobi fighting against Uchiha and Senju only did gut injuries or near decapitations. Gut wounds were painful, but in the Narutoverse I had friggin' hours to fix them. Heck even ripped lungs took like three times longer to really matter in the Narutoverse in comparison to other universes. All thanks to the chakra and how it literally rewrote the laws of reality for that universe.

Returning to my answer: I had saved a lot of Senju and Uchiha lives. Like, no one had died in a mission in literal years since I started serving as their doctor.

This gave me a pretty good chunk of sway so when the clans all learned who Madara and Hashirama were... it wasn't hard to suggest they remain neutral to one another if they wanted to retain my services.

There were some grumbles, some mutters, some whines, but they were drowned out by the families kept together because I stitched up their mommies and daddies.

And that's how I (eventually) brought peace between the Uchiha and Senju clan.

Good ol fashion blackmail. Or would it be quid pro quo? Maybe both?

It really wasn't worth mentioning. Contrary to the anime there was no big dramatic reveal. I was asked to meet with both leaders (separately), and they asked about my involvement with the other clan. I was honest, laid out my desire to see them be at peace with one another, and both leaders were very reasonable.

It wasn't mentioned again.

On a lovely morning Hashirama came extra early. He entered my home as I brewed some tea, sat down at the counter and heaved a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, already checking to see if I had milled enough flour to make him comfort pancakes.

"I'm getting married," the child bemoaned.

"To whom?"

"Her name is Mito. She's the Uzumaki heiress," Hashirama muttered pitifully. "Sasori, what am I going to do? I can't get married. I don't wanna!"

I held out my arms to offer him a hug. He barreled out of his seat to plow into me, picked me up like a teddy bear and squeezed me.

Hashirama was a bit of a hug slut. At the mere mention of a hug, his attention was caught. There was very little he wouldn't do for one, really. It was utterly endearing. The best part was when he was hugging he turned into some kind of adorable mushy mess.

If there was such a thing as an uwu teddy bear, that would be Hashirama when he hugged.

I patted the back of his head in consolation. "If you don't want to, then don't. No one can force you to marry someone you don't care for. Worst case scenario you can always defect your clan and live with me."

He sighed at that. "I don't think I could do that to my brothers. If I don't, Tobirama would have to."

"Oh that'd be a disaster. He'd make a terrible husband. She'd probably declare war on the Senju Clan after her first meeting with him."

"Sasori!"

"What?" I mockingly innocently asked.

Hashirama pulled back long enough to show me his pouting face. I reached forward and pinched his cheeks to stretch them out.

"A frowning face doesn't suit you, love," I chided him. "Mito might very well be a wonderful woman you'll fall head over heels in love with."

"Really?" he asked me hopefully.

"Of course. There are plenty of stories out there about arranged marriages where both parties fall madly in love."

"Will you tell me about them?"

I gestured for him to take a seat at the counter while I prepared breakfast. As I worked, I began to weave a warm tale about a girl and a boy both born to wealth and caged by their families. They were destined to wed before they were born, and they had only ever known the fake smiles of their family politics.

With each other they found sincerity, though, and in time love.

By the time I had finished the story, Hashirama was sniffling. Thankfully the pancakes were done and buttered. He didn't even cut them or put syrup on them, only throwing them in his mouth while he wept. "Thwat wath tho bootyful."

"When Mito comes to greet you properly, why don't you bring her over here?" I encouraged him.

"Thank you, Sasori."

"Of course, dear."

Madara showed up shortly after, the smell of pancakes making his stomach growl as soon as he entered. He tried to be sneaky and grab some before I noticed, but I did so I slapped his hand with a teasing smile.

"If you want my food, you have to greet me first," I said with a smile. "No matter how cute you are, manners are still required."

Madara stuck his tongue out at me in defiance. "Fine. Hi."

"Hello, Maddie."

"Why's Hashirama crying?"

"It was so beautiful," Hashirama sniffled, wiping a tear from his eyes. "Sasori, you should write down your stories."

Oddly enough I actually was working on something similar to that.

I had finally gotten around to start making a printing press to distribute the gospel of the Goggle Gods, and of course Icha Icha.

And I guess make textbooks for the future schools of Konoha. If I had to.

I had the wires set up on my desk upstairs, but I still had some copper molding left to do.

"I will," I told Hashirama. "Now who wants to try this new tea I made?"

"Oh no," Madara groaned. "Please tell me you didn't try a new plant again."

I coughed and refused to meet his gaze.

"Sasori," Madara said, his tone warning me. "Did you drug yourself again?"

"One time. One time I accidentally made a hallucinogenic tea and you just won't let it go."

"You shouldn't have added in a plant you've never seen before to your tea!"

"How else am I supposed to try it though?"

"Literally any other way but ingesting it yourself!" he scolded me.

"That's no way to live. If I can't willy nilly try whatever the plant I find then where's the fun in finding new plants?"

"I don't know!" he hotly retorted. "Did you drug yourself again?"

"Not... yet," I said, trying not to look at the boiling tea kettle. My gaze slipped because Madara followed it, and he made a dive bomb for it. "NO! MY MYSTERIOUS PLANT!"

Madara kicked the kettle off the stove top where it spilled out on the floor. Oddly enough the wood started to sizzle then the liquid somehow became acidic and burned through my floor.

'Huh. That's fascinating. Probably would have hurt if I drank that.'

"Oh Sage," Madara bemoaned. "Please tell me you weren't going to drink that."

I started to whistle innocently.

"MORON! IDIOT! FOOL! Apologize to your parents for turning into such a dimwit!"

"But Maddie," I whimpered.

The punch to the nose was expected but still hurt.

I ̥̳s̿͆t̲̬̪̊ͫ͂̚i͌͊̚l̰͇̙̝͇̓̃ͫl̬̫͙̤͉̾͒͛͋̐ ͓̣͓̿r̝̮̰̙̽eͨͅme̯͖̭̲ͨm͍̮̖͕͔̈́͛b͙͖͎͖̈́̆ͭ͌ͪe̺̥̩͔͕̎r̪̬̝̔ y̘ͨ̍͊o̲͇̝̲̱̒̃͋̒̊u̗̮ͣ̎̏

Madara is tsundere and you will never convince me otherwise.

Answer: I'd want to be a volleyball manager in Haikyū. I'm really interested to see if changing their diet to reflect that of professionals would have made a difference in the HS portion. :> Like preventing a certain someone from getting a fever.

Question: Favorite __dere? Tsundere, yandere, deredere, etc? Combos are acceptable like the rare tsun-yandere.

Reviews are love!