A/N: Alright, let's get this started. DISCLAIMER: Although I did think of and write all the edits myself, I copy-pasted the original transcript for this episode and all future episodes from the Helluva Boss Fandom Wiki. Alright, NOW let's get this started

[The scene opens with a city shot that slowly zooms in on the Immediate Bounty Professionals building. Cars honking can be heard in the background. The scene transitions to a closed door, with a sign that says "Meeting in progress". Inside, Blitzo is walking by a whiteboard on the wall as he lectures his employees.]

Blitzo: Alright, now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... [looks at Moxxie] Moxxie. [Moxxie gives him a "What the heck?" look.] Now, does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?

Millie: What about a car wash?

Blitzo: This is the Wasteland, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Ooh, what about a billboard?

Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzo: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. [pushes Moxxie away] Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?

[Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.B.P. crew debilitating people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a taser at a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth by the back of their neck, and Millie knocks someone offscreen with a sledge hammer and laughs. Then it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn.]

Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, all right? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' pure crassness!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause right now, all I see is just my dad's jerkhole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: I thought I knew you. [Millie playfully sticks her tongue out at him as Moxxie rolls his eyes affectionately.]

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie, [holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it] after I made you employee of the month!

Moxxie: Okay, sir! I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- [points at Millie] Do not agree with him in front of me!

[The scene cuts to the I.B.P. commercial.]

Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Doctor Jonathan Blitzo! The "O" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.B.P! [gestures to the logo as it appears on screen, then disappears.]

[A picture of Blitzo wearing a top hat, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears.]

Blitzo: Are you a societal outcast who justly got yourself sent into the post-apocalyptic wasteland of Pentaria, [picture changes to one of Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty glass bottle in a recycling bin, instead of the trash can right next to it] or are you an upright upstanding citizen who got SCREWED over by someone else?

[The commercial cuts to a guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!!"]

Guy: After lovingly burning down my ex-wife's entire apartment complex, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the courts sentenced me. I really wish I could stick it to that judge who banished me!

[Blitzo is speaking to camera and holding a grimoire, while Moxxie and Millie are arranging lit candles on the floor in a square.]

Blitzo: [to camera] Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the Mainland, [his eyes narrow as he does a magical gesture with his left hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor. Moxxie and Millie are blown out of shot. He walks up to the portal.] we can help you get your sweet revenge by hunting down anyone who got you sent out here and bringing them out here as well! [falls backwards into the portal]

[The scene transitions to a person with their arms crossed and a thought bubble appears depicting another person being thrown into the wasteland as the commercial jingle plays in the background.]

Singer: ♫ When you want somebody here, ♫

[The person in question falls near the person as they notice and look up.]

Singer: ♫ then don't repress your hate or fear ♫

[Moxxie, Blitzo, and Millie are shown in a circle logo. Blitzo holds his arms out as Moxxie holds up his rifle and Millie holds up her spear. A letter "I" appears to the left of them, while a letter "P" appears on the right of them and a letter "B" appears behind them, thus spelling the initials I.B.P.]

Singer: ♫ call the Immediate Bounty Professionals! ♫

[Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie are inside of their building and Moxxie throws a grenade out the window. The trio cover where their ears would be as an explosion goes off. A ghost goes flying as it evaporates.]

Singer: ♫ Hand grenade of sleeping gas, ♫

[Blitzo is shown playing with a toy horse as Moxxie and Millie force someone into a truck.]

Singer: ♫ We do jobs with wit and class ♫

[Blitzo is shown electrocuting someone, Millie is shown hitting someone on the head with a mace, and Moxxie is shown strangling someone.]

Singer: ♫The Immediate Bounty Professionals ♫

[The I.B.P logo spins around quickly as the scene transitions to Blitzo creating a portal to the Mainland in a wall, then jumping through it. He is followed by Millie and then Moxxie, who trips over the grimoire and falls into the portal.]

Singer: ♫ We carry out your plans, ♫

[The trio come up through the other end of the portal and adjust themselves.]

Singer: ♫ because we're all in the Wasteland! ♫

[The I.B.P trio suddenly look shocked as it appears they have accidentally teleported to a prison cellblock.]

[Millie is shown fighting with someone for a dagger, while Moxxie tries to look away, and Blitzo examines a pair of panties.]

Singer: ♫ You want someone to take a dive ♫

[Blitzo points a revolver at someone, but a flag reading "JK" comes out of the barrel before Millie knocks the person out with a bat.]

Singer: ♫ Although you still want them alive ♫

[In the final scene, the trio are hiding in a bush in a park and Moxxie is about to shoot a blonde woman from behind.]

Singer: ♫ Call the Immediaaaaate... Bountyyyyy... Profession-- ♫

[Moxxie accidentally shoots a boy passing by, eating an ice cream cone.]

Eddie: AUUUGH!

[The boy collapses as Moxxie looks on in shock. The scene cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie. Blitzo is wearing a doctor's outfit, while Moxxie and Millie are wearing nurse outfits.]

Millie: Doctor, he's not responding!

Moxxie: Cool water, stat!

[Millie whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water.]

Moxxie: It didn't do anything!

Blitzo: Come on! I'm not losing another one.

[Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.]

Blitzo: CLEAR!

[They all zap the kid and he wakes up.]

Eddie: [gasps]

Blitzo: By the Titan, it actually worked.

[The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Millie and Moxxie are sitting across from Loona, who has her feet up and is watching a video on her phone of Moxxie getting hurt.]

Moxxie: First off, you should've let a real doctor perform that operation.

Blitzo: Hey, it may have been revoked after a year, but I have a medical license! And besides, It's not my fault that that patient had a healthier liver than mine!

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding on that either sir, I of all people should know.

[Moxxie pulls up his suit revealing an incision scar on his upper belly.]

Moxxie: Secondly, I'd like to go on record and say the incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Loona: Oh, sit on a spike, Moxxie.

Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Blitzo: Hey, now, we don't blame our screwups on Loona, okay?! [hugs and nuzzles Loona, who appears to strongly dislike his affection] She didn't do anything wrooooong~

Moxxie: Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.]

Loona: Hello, I.B.P.

Millie: [On phone] Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox--

[Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. Next, Loona is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.]

Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.

Loona: Is it a raise?

Blitzo: I... Oh...

Loona: [snatches the present and throws it on the floor] THEN I DON'T WANT IT!!

[A swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and cover Loona up to her neck.]

Loona: UGHHH!!

Blitzo: [suddenly hiding outside of the office window] I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Loona: [annoyed] I swear to-

[Loona is then shown at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Magne performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".]

Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?

Loona: No.

Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?

Loona: C'mon... You know why.

[The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.]

Loona: Whoever left what I'm just gonna call the avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst headache right now!

[Loona turns around to face Millie with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad, which for some reason is in liquid form.]

Millie: Why would you stay up on a work night?

Loona: [stops drinking] It's from this morning, idiot!

[Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.]

Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?

Loona: [drops the box on the floor] Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some [kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room] biting steam!

[Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.]

Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!

[Loona runs up to a lady passing by, pushing her baby in a stroller. She kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief. The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.]

Loona: Bliiiitzo, that clingy, rich guy with both severe chronic conjunctivitis and an 8-ball fracture in both eyes who for some reason wanted me to tell you that is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.

Blitzo: [throws his cup of water on the floor] Come, ON! It was ONE TIME! [crosses arms] If I hadn't made that privileged jerkhole fall in love with me, none of us would have access to the living world.

Moxxie: [stares in stunned silence] ...You what?

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is in his pajamas, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.]

Blitzo: [to himself] Got the booook, got the booook! Got this really heavy book!

[Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.]

Blitzo: Oh- Oh, CRAP!

[Blitzo lands in a cake that Stolas' wife Stella and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.]

Blitzo: [to Stella] Sorry, I smooched your husband.

[The scene changes back to Loona at her desk.]

Loona: BLIIIITZO!

Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!

[The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.]

Blitzo: Soooo, what can I do you for this time, babe?

[Stolas is shown talking on his phone from a fancy mansion.]

Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble here inside the walls for one of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!

Blitzo: Doesn't it?

Stolas: Well, yes, but more people end up there if nothing is done about it. And it gets boring here~

Blitzo: Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense.

Stolas: [through phone] You know what happens when I'm bored, JJ?

Blitzo: [pulls his phone away and talks to himself] Oh, hades-bitin'-burnit.

Stolas: When I'm bored, I want company. And with that company, I want to make them choke on my sharp nails... slash their eyes and and pull all of their hair, before stretching out their limbs, and filling them with more teeth until they're screaming PLEASE STOP like a BLOODY baby--!

[Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, hangs up. He breaks his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.]

Blitzo: Eat this!

[Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.]

Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah?

Blitzo: Puke off it!

[The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.]

Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.

[Loona looks up from her phone and smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.]

Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a sadistic homeless woman you let man the phones!

[As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone.]

Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, [walks over to window and raises blinds] I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!

[Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking it, and sees a homeless man, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Andromeda bless." A woman is on her cellphone and ignores the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.]

Moxxie: While we're on the subject of "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?

Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal!

Moxxie: Excuse me... WHAT?!

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.]

Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.

[Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.]

Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!

Millie: [giggles]

Moxxie: What's funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!

[Later that evening, Moxxie and Millie are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Moxxie opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.]

Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.

[In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.]

Moxxie: ♫ Thought I was doing well,♫

♫ But then for her I fell ♫

Millie: [at the same time] ♫ But then for him I fell ♫

Moxxie: ♫ Oh, Millie~ ♫

[They close their eyes to kiss, but Moxxie notices Blitzo outside the window holding a camcorder.]

Moxxie: Are you seriously filming us right now?!

[The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.]

Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!

Blitzo: [shrugs] I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?

Moxxie: [eye twitches in anger] No!

Loona: [snickers]

Blitzo: You a tiny-tongue-haver?

Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally [stands up from his chair] INAPPROPRIATE!

Millie: [lays her hand on Moxxie's shoulder] Calm down, Mox! You're gonna have another panic attack!

Moxxie: I AM CALM!! [Moxxie starts whimpering in anger while looking back at Blitzo]

Millie: [comforting Moxxie] Shh-shh-shh. There, there.

Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff [motions his hands to imply sexual activity] you do outside work hours, so don't... judge... me!

Moxxie: Oh, I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!

Millie: Mox, he's our boss!

Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive... braindead.

Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?

Blitzo: [leans towards Moxxie] It actually does.

Loona: The only reason you have a wife [looks away from her phone to glare at Moxxie] is because you're easy to manage!

Millie: [slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger] No he's not, you jerk! [shakes fist at Loona]

Loona: [growls at Millie]

Blitzo: Do not talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!

Loona: [snaps her jaws at Millie] Yes, I am!

Eddie: [offscreen] You guys are all huge jerkholes.

[Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona look at Eddie, the boy Moxxie accidentally shot. Eddie is lying on a table with three wires from a heart monitor attached to his stomach.]

Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!

Moxxie: Ugh, this company is such a mess!

Blitzo: Alright, let's go back to talking about my outfit.

Loona: Nobody was talking about that!

Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?

Eddie: [points at Blitzo and detaches the tubes of the heart monitor] You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're suppose to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!

Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very--

Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless coward, I'd rip out your spine and ask you something.

Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!

Eddie: [laughs] That's your husband?!

[Moxxie and Millie snarl at Eddie.]

Eddie: I figured you were desperate, but I had no idea it was THAT bad! [Points at Loona] And you!

Loona: What? What about me?

Eddie: Nothing. [crosses arms] I don't talk to goths.

Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a peice of scum.

Moxxie: [whispering] Yeah, after all. He's kind of a piece of scum.

[Loona receives a text message.]

Loona: Oh, sweet! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all!

Blitzo: Who?

Loona: [points at Eddie] Him.

Eddie: Me?

Loona: Yup.

Blitzo: They wanted us to exile an actual child?

Loona: That's what they're sayin'.

Blitzo: ...Well, Him on a stick. I guess divine intervention is real.

[Blitzo draws a trenq-gun and fires it at Eddie. His body goes limp.]

[The scene cuts to Blitzo, Millie and Moxxie kicking Eddie while he's unconcious and Loona recording everything on her phone.]

Blitzo: [voiceover] Y'know, folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone inside that darned magic wall can. Like bounty hunting!

[The scene cuts to the group by a dumpster putting Eddie, who is now in a garbage bag from the neck down, inside.]

Blitzo: [voiceover] So, from us down here at the Immediate Bounty Professionals group, we promise to get your sweet, sweet revenge or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's the Wasteland and no one who can do something about it actually bitin' cares.

[As Blitzo does the voiceover, he hugs Moxxie, Millie, and Loona, the latter's phone flying out of her hands.]

Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that we handle this going forward respectfully.

[The group all smile as the scene cuts to a landfill, showing Eddie finally waking up from the tranquillizer. He then looks to see Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie in a presumably stolen garbage truck.]

Blitzo: [smiles and waves] You're welcome!

[The trio speed away, leaving Eddie in the landfill.]

A/N: There you go! If you're reading this after it was edited, I originally changed Helluva boss to be about ghosts who went to earth and exorcised poltergeists. If you want to see that as well, let me know. Until then, more of this is on the way!