I could feel his  fingers, gently caressing the skin of my upper arm as I sat there,  watching the pale-haired male on the other side of the room as he tended  to the Queen. Trying to avoid thinking about the one next to me, I hid  the shudder that tried to run through me as the much older man grinned  at my father, eager to continue negotiations for my hand in marriage.

Truly it was both a  blessing and a curse to be born into money, getting to enjoy the  luxuries of life at the cost of your freedom to choose your own future.  Especially if one was female.

I swallowed a few times  to keep my meal from coming back up when I felt the older mans lips  pressing against the back of my hand, his mouth parted just enough for  his teeth to graze my skin. My father ignored my subtle discomfort,  simply smiling again as he nodded to the man who had named a high price  for the 'honor' of having me as his bride. As if any honor was involved  in this deal.

Hearing my father clear  his throat and tell me it was time to go, I could barely keep myself  from running out of the ball room, taking only long enough to glance  once more at the Queen's attendant. I could have sworn I saw a frown  flash across the otherwise expressionless face I was staring at before  he turned away, whispering into the Queen's ear.

--------

The whispers that rang  out as I sat there had little effect on me, some odd blend of shock and  horrid satisfaction filling me as I watched the trial progress. After  all, any love I might have had left for the man before me had been lost  long ago, around the same time he had decided to start taking me to  events where he could show me off as "a beautiful flower almost of age  to be plucked by the one lucky enough to wed her."

How could I continue to  feel love towards someone who was willing to treat me like some prize  horse waiting to be sold to the highest bidder? When the judge  pronounced my father guilty of treason against the crown, I shed no  tears.

The best news was that I  no longer had to wed that old man, the noble having been another of  those accused of having committed treason alongside my father. Sadly,  the fortune he had amassed as a Duke went to the Queen, leaving me  without a home or money to afford food nor shelter. I had to admit, I  could understand why she did it, as she did not want the money to go to  anyone who might feel sympathy for my father's treasonous ideals and us  it to try to further them.

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How I wish I had been  born a male, then I would not have to rely on another to look after me.  Instead, all I had been taught by my father was how to look pretty for  others and the few things that would be useful for a bride to know.  Mostly useless things like playing a harp, dancing, embroidery and how  to quietly make sure a household stayed running, all things that would  do me little good in the situation I had found myself in following my  father's imprisonment in the Queen's dungeon.

I would have been better  off learning how to actually clean, cook or sew seams into fabric. At  least one of those skills could have gotten me a job that didn't require  me to remove my clothing. I dreaded the thought I might have to someday  work at one of those houses. It would be just as bad, if not  worse, than what my father had tried to sell me into with that marriage  contract he had signed.

Looking up at my  father's cousin, I shivered upon his doorstep as the rain poured down  and prayed he would let me stay with him for the time being. It had  taken a few days to find his house and I was more dirty, cold and hungry  than I had ever felt before.

"Please, even just one  night? Just so I can dry myself off and get warm, please?" I was almost  ready to drop to my knees and beg when he stepped back and motioned for  me to enter, tears of relief filling my eyes. "Thank you! Thank you so  much!"

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"(y/n), I would like you  to meet Henry, a friend of mine and his acquaintance, Mr. Landers. They  came to offer a solution to your situation, since we both know you  cannot just keep living here. It's been some weeks after all and  although my wife has not minded letting you use the spare room, we will  be needing it soon to ready for when the baby is born." My 'cousin' said  as I came down the stairs for dinner, causing me to pause and look over  his shoulder to see an older gentleman standing next to a younger man,  one who was all too familiar as he reminded me of an evening I wished to  forget.

Memories of unwanted  touches and distasteful deals flashed through my mind, my face paling  more with each one. Closing my eyes tightly, I grasped onto the railing  like a lifeline, as if it could somehow save me from the things that  haunted my mind.

"Lady (y/n)? Are you  okay?" Forcing my eyes open, I looked down into gentle amethyst eyes,  the young man standing below me and looking up in what appeared to be  concern. I began to feel a sense of ease come over me, allowing me to  take a deep breath and respond with a small smile.

"I... Yes, sorry. I just  remembered something I had wished to forget. I'll be fine, thank you.  Shall we be having this discussion over dinner, cousin?" I looked over  to him, feeling a bit more at ease with the concern I also saw in his  own dark eyes.

"Yes, let us retire to  the dining room. I already sent my wife to visit her mother for the  evening. She had been wanting to catch up with her on family events  anyhow, so it works out nicely. And (y/n), do not worry. If this deal is  not to your liking, we can always try to find something else that you  can agree on instead." I couldn't help the tear that escaped my eye at  the realization that I had a choice in this decision, something my  father had never allowed me before.

"Th-thank you... Thank  you so much for this." Wiping my eyes, I made my way the rest of the way  down the stairs and headed to the dining room in silence, wondering how  my choice today would effect the rest of my life.

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"Thank you for letting  me stay with you for so long and for allowing me to learn what it feels  like to live in a real home with people who care. I'll never forget the  kindness you have shown me during my time here." With a small smile on  my face, I gave my fathers cousin a hug before stepping back and  grabbing the small bag of clothing and necessities he and his wife had  given me during my stay with them.

Receiving a soft  response, wishes of happiness ahead of me and a pleasant travel to the  manor I would be staying in as a ward of the Crown. It turned out the  Queen felt bad for what had happened to me after my fathers failed  loyalties had resulted in his... untimely demise and wished to see  things made right and that I was taken care of. The end result was that  her butler and aide, Mr. Landers, had come to offer me a place within  the castle, my needs taken care of and lessons offered if I wished them,  on the agreement that I would become a ward of the Crown, although in  reality I would be under the care of the Queen's various staff members.

I'd agreed mostly  because I did not want to be a burden upon my cousin any longer, not  able to offer anything valuable to him in return for letting me stay  until Mr. Landers had taken me aside and told me that if I agreed to the  offer, my cousin would be rewarded for the time and money he had spent  on keeping me safe.

A part of me however,  knew that I'd also agreed because of the offer of lessons, hoping to be  able to learn something that would allow me to someday earn my own place  in the world as something more than just the living doll that my father  had insisted I become. I wanted to be something more than just a thing  that lived for the pleasure of others, even if I was still searching for  what that would be.

Carefully climbing into  the carriage that awaited me, I turned and gave one last wave to the man  that had given me so much to be thankful for, part of me feeling as if I  would never see him again. Maybe that would be for the best though,  leaving him to find a happier life with his wife and soon to be born  baby. He would have his hands full enough raising a child.

"Farewell, cousin! Good  fortune follow you!" I called to him before closing the door and taking a  seat in the carriage, knocking gently on the window to tell the driver I  was ready to leave.

Looking out, I saw my  only family member's dark eyes follow me before the carriage turned a  corner and he was out of site. Part of me wished I had not been  watching, that I had been able to avoid seeing the sad look in those  eyes for a moment, almost like he was telling me not to go. But the  choice had already been made and we had both known I couldn't stay any  longer, even if I had wanted to.

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It had been nearly a  week since arriving at the castle and I still didn't feel comfortable  there. As much as my father's manor had feel large and intimidating to  live in, this place was even bigger and I felt completely dwarfed by  those that lived here. Even the servants had me often feeling  insignificant, unable to do much of anything for myself as I was once  more treated like a noble's daughter and told to just relax and let them  do their jobs.

I'd just gotten used to  picking up after myself and was starting to learn to cook and clean when  I had been brought here, feeling uncomfortable now at having everything  done for me after learning to do it myself. As each freedom I had  gained slipped out of my grasp, I felt like my life was once more not  within my control, the classes I had wanted to take being replaced by  the familiar classes of old as I was told it was unbecoming for a lady  of rank to learn things like cooking and cleaning. Those were the jobs  of servants, not a Lady like I.

I slowly felt myself  drawing back behind the mental walls I had built, once more becoming the  quiet doll I had been taught to be, seen and not heard, a quiet  presence in the hallways and rooms. I played the harp when asked,  arranged flowers in vases that would be placed in rooms throughout the  castle and when left alone, I found myself embroidering pieces of cloth  with various words of comfort in a futile attempt to ease my spirit.

As much as I wished I  had never come here, I was coming to accept it as my fate that I would  be trapped in this life style, no matter how much I had wished to escape  it. I was beginning to loose hope, feeling my spirit slowly crushed by  the world I had willing come back to, not realizing how much I had given  up by doing so. I'd never realized just how much I had gained by  loosing my title and status, until I had gotten it back and lost the  freedoms I had gained. I'd forgotten in those short weeks how many  restrictions one had when one was of The Peerage.

--------

I found my savior in the  form of the Queen's butler, him offering me a freedom I had never had  before. He offered to teach me that which had been denied to me and in  return he asked only that I keep him company when he was not busy with  his duties. How could I refuse such a simple request, when it would  benefit me so much?

And thus, I began  learning the many things I had wished to learn, all while becoming  closer to one Mr. Ash Landers, who insisted I simply call him Ash. The  smile he gave me upon hearing me say his name was almost blindingly  bright, my own cheeks flushing pink as I offered a small smile of my own  in return.

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"Are you sure this is  how it's supposed to look?" I asked, my eyes looking unsure at the thing  sat before me. Reaching out a hand, I poked at the side and frowned at  how easily my finger sank into the dark material.

"Well, maybe not exactly  how it should look, but for a first try I would say it is a rather good  attempt at a cake." His small chuckle had be blushing in embarrassment  as I looked back at the uneven lump of chocolate, doubting its  edibleness.

"Is it even safe to try  it?" I asked as I watched him bring out a couple of forks, handing one  to me as he brought his closer to the monstrosity I had created, my eyes  wide as he brought a bite to his lips.

"It's a bit too moist,  but still quite good, my Lady. Next time use a bit less butter and a  dash more flour, otherwise it tastes perfect." Taking a bite, I hid the  smile that his words brought me, enjoying the praise his words held.

I knew that next time I  would work even harder to get it right, wanting to hear him say I got it  right and prove he was not wasting his time teaching me such things. I  wanted to make him as happy as he was making me with these lessons.

These days, I found myself wanting to meet his expectations as much as I wanted to learn to do things for myself.

--------

Standing before the  still smoldering shell of what used to be a house, I felt my heart give a  shuddering beat as I collapsed to my knees as a horrid wailing filled  the air. It took me a while to realize it was me, a pair of warm hands  coming to rest on my shoulders.

"Come, there is nothing  left here for you. The best you can do right now is to come back with me  to the castle and let the men do their work." At Ash's soft words, I  lifted my head to see the uniformed men moving around as they worked to  put out the remaining flames that licked up the woodwork.

I buried my head in his  shoulder when he lifted me up, carrying me back to the carriage that I  had jumped out of down the road when I'd seen the black smoke rising up  from ahead. I barely had the strength to whisper a thanks as I closed my  aching eyes and fell into an exhausted sleep after being set down upon  the carriage, my head resting against his chest as he cradled me against  his side, one arm wrapping around my shoulders and holding me close.

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For a few weeks I just  drifted in and out, barely aware of the happenings at the funeral before  it too passed into the haze of my mind. Ash could often be found  spending time near me when not in the presence of the Queen, his hand  rubbing soothingly against my back as he whispered comforting words into  my ear.

When I finally couldn't  take the feeling inside of me anymore, I dragged myself up one of the  towers, climbing the stairs as I clawed at my chest mindlessly. I  couldn't stand the empty feeling inside, having lost the only family  members I'd had that had shown any care for me. Just a week before the  incident, they had written me, asking me to come and see their newborn  son.

My cousin had even  written that he had news for me, an opportunity to travel and learn a  trade if I was not feeling happy enough at the castle, not that I would  have taken such a position. I had been far too happy with how my life  was at the time, knowing I was learning many things with Ash's  assistance and that my family was close at hand should I wish to visit  them.

But now, now it was  gone, my family taken from me by the flames. They still didn't know what  had started the flames, but there were plenty of whispers that followed  me down the halls, when they thought I wasn't listening. I know some  people thought I was cursed, that everyone I was near was in danger.

My father and the man he  had engaged me to, both dead after being found guilty of treason. My  cousin and his wife and child, all dead of a mysterious fire. Many were  wondering who was next to die. But I would quiet their whispers, halt  their concerns. I would end the 'curse' with my own death.

Stepping out onto the  small balcony that overlooked the gardens below, I lifted my skit and  climbed into the railing, ready to let go of the dark feelings that swum  through my heart and mind. I was ready to find release from the madness  I had felt slowly gnawing at the edges of my sanity these past few  days.

And so leaning forward, I let go of it all, feeling the wind rush past me as I fell towards the ground.

--------

Sitting upon a chair in  the darkest corner of the room, I slowly closed my eyes as I felt the  brush gently run down my hair, keeping it free of tangles. The  flickering of the flames failed to catch my attention as I stared once  more at the single white feather resting in my hands. I didn't even  react when I heard his voice come from next to my head as he leaned  forward to whisper, lips brushing against my ear with each word.

"Did you really think I  would let you go after working so hard to make you mine? To have you all  to myself? Silly girl, as if I would let anyone else come close enough  to soil you after working to keep you so pure. But then, it just proves  how innocent you are. And now, you will be mine forever. My innocent  little doll."

The small part of me  that still felt anything, wished he hadn't caught me when I fell, that I  hadn't felt the wind from his wings as he flew me away from the castle  and into the night to this place I couldn't escape from. This prison  with no way in or out, other than the hole in the distant ceiling above  me, where the only things that could get in or out had wings. Where I  was little more than a broken doll for him to coddle.