ok there are a few things you should know about me before i start

1. i tend to overreact to situations

2. i've been with my classmates for 6 years

3. some of my classmates are born actors

im writing this half to rant half to ask for advice so,,,

i have a group of four friends, and according to one friend the other two were basically ranting about how im a) arrogant and how they b) basically hate my existence

the arrogant part stems from multiple things

- they don't believe i practice 1-2 hours for piano/violin everyday

- they think im lying when i claim i've won competitions

- whenever i mention the fact i've won something, it means im arrogant

ok actually i do brag a little too much,,,

the weird thing about my class is it's literally a battlefield of who can be the best. the only two who don't participate are my sorta-trustworthy friend and another guy who's just silly

so let's say i get superior a competition

my two "friends" go "it's soooo easy to win that competition, you're nothing special (implied)"

im feeling attacked to my natural response is "well my pieces are harder,,,hence i have to practice more"

and they don't believe that whoops

and one of them is the only girl in the class, and because middle schoolers are stupid i just have to be friends with her because if im friends with anyone else in my class (they're all guys) i "like them"

and,,,we used to be really close friends

and then things changed last year

i became friends with this trustworthy friend who happened to be considered "cool" within my class (he had friends outside of the smart program, he had a phone, he cussed occasionally)

so apparently that makes me "cool" now? i don't even have a phone,,,

and now anytime i try to help her in like math she snaps back in this tone that makes me both angry and sad. and then immediately afterwards i start doubting myself, worrying that all my friends will hate me because i tried helping her, which sounds irrational

but like,,,she's somehow able to make me feel that

so basically we don't trust each other anymore

and the other person who actually hates my guts is nice? to? me? like whoa, i didn't know you were that good at acting

so idk what to think anymore

my resolution is to stop talking about my life achievements with them :")

but then i start questioning the "trustworthy" friend in my head

i talked to my mom about it and she was like "why'd he decide to tell you that the day before an important math competition? don't you think thats a little sus?"

now idk whether i should even trust him

not throwing him under the bus but he's not as,,,accomplished? as the rest of us

and sometimes i wonder whether he's just playing me

we've had a weird relationship dynamic

we were close friends in 5th grade (we had a shared google doc that we talked on) but we got in trouble for that at school (that was messed up) so we stopped being friends

we became close friends in 6th grade after everyone else abandoned him except the guy who hates my guts and me

but then i decided to be stupid and tell him my mom didn't like him (idk why i did that)

so we stopped talking

and now we're close friends again but im worried he's like using me? idk why but i can't help be nice to him,,,

but i know i don't like like him because there's someone else i like sooooo

and everyone thinks i like this friend so that makes things slightly awkward (i mean i used to but i don't anymore?)

i'd love to change, but none of them are going to tell me what's wrong with me and they'll be very stubborn about letting me change

we've known each other for 6 years, right?

they already have a solid image of me

i can't suddenly start being nice or else they'll think i want something out of them

and even further idk if i can even trust the only semi-trustworthy person in the class

ngl i hate being cynical but if im not then i just don't know whether they actually care or just want something out of me,,,

and i have to see them for another year uhg

#hatemyclass