Preface

I pinched myself. It didn't hurt.

I had always been told that I seemed to lack feelings. Hindi raw ako madaling makaramdam. Whether it was figurative or not, the statement rang true in all ways, anyway.

"Make this the highlight later. Inform them to talk of nothing but sympathies. I want this placed on all newspapers. Front page."

Tumango ang kung sino mang inuutusan ni Daddy. I just stared continuously into the open. I have no idea why I'm here in his office, sitting as I watch Mommy raise an eyebrow.

"Have you invited the police?" she asked.

Dad furrowed his brows. "What do you think, Ellia? Planado na lahat. You just have to be there and look as distraught as possible."

Mommy said nothing. Binaba niya lang ang kanyang mga mata sa mga alahas.

"Hmm, then hindi ko susuotin ang mga ito. Delsa," she called, "keep these away. Hindi ko gagamitin."

Tinanggal niya rin ang kanyang makeup. The makeup remover softly glided on her skin. Maingat niyang pinunasan ang mga kulay doon at paulit-ulit na tinitingnan ang iba't ibang parte ng kanyang mukha.

Then she saw me staring at her through the mirror.

"Sigrid, your tutor is here. Go upstairs and wait for Yaya to call you back down. I don't want you to be a mess later. Understand?"

Hindi ako tumango. Hindi rin ako sumagot. Basta nalang akong dinala ng aking mga paa patungo sa aking kwarto kung saan naghihintay ang tutor. Since that day, I've been homeschooled. Wala akong contact sa tanging dalawa kong kaibigan.

The tutor droned on and on about genes. Katatapos lang naming sa math at wala akong maintindihan kahit ilang ulit niya pang pinapalo ng stick ang kamay ko. They left ugly marks. She gave up in the end and went straight away to teach science.

I picked up something funny, though. She said that traits can be passed on through a series of process which I didn't bother to understand. And for the first time in weeks, I felt my lip pull upward. Ngunit hindi ako sigurado kung natutuwa ba ako o naiirita.

Well, in the first place, I was always told that I can't quite feel. So how can I even understand these emotions?

"Yeah, right, traits can surely be passed down," I muttered as I remembered my parents' conversation in my father's study.

Tinaas ng tutor ang kanyang kilay ngunit wala ring sinabi pagkatapos. I continued my monotonous life as I stared at her leaving through one of my father's cars for guests. Pero hindi rin ako nagtagal sa bintana nang tawagin na ni Yaya Oring para bumaba.

It's half past 7. And the rally is starting soon. But Daddy and Mommy are not in a state of rush. Para ngang mas bumagal ang kanilang kilos.

Before I could get into the car, marahas na hinawakan ni Daddy ang aking braso. His grip was forceful and hard. When I looked up, his eyes bore the familiar coldness and distance I've always gotten from him.

"You," turo niya sa mukha ko, "will remain quiet and still in your seat. Do not ruin this for me, Sigrid. Araw-araw kong tinatanong ang sarili ko kung saan ako nagkamali at ikaw ang naging anak ko."

I flinched as I felt the cold droplets of rain touch my bare skin. Nagtaka ako kung bakit umuulan. The sun was perfectly yellow and bright just a few hours ago.

Tiningnan ko ang pagbalik ng kulay ng parte ng aking brasong hinawakan niya matapos niya akong bitawan. I felt it with my fingers and tried to smoothen the marks formed as I entered the car. Wala akong imik habang pinapakinggan ang mahinang busina ng mga sasakyan sa labas. Mommy was looking at herself in the handheld mirror repeatedly while having her assistant by her side, reciting the dos and don'ts over and over again. Daddy is in another car, probably desperate to keep me from his sight. I don't mind, though.

"Dadaan po tayong Intramuros."

As we took a turn, I saw people singing in the streets, busking. Maraming tao ang nakapalibot. Ngunit mas marami ang dumadaan lang na tila walang pake sa nangyayari sa paligid. I felt my mom's searing gaze behind me.

Life in Manila is fast-paced. You barely have time to look around sometimes. But when it becomes slow, you see other things. And you think of them a lot. They give you silly little ideas that gradually turn dangerous... and bitter.

So when the singer slowly took the shape of one familiar to me, I looked elsewhere—too afraid to commit to a single thought to mull over for the rest of this long, long night.

"Mayroon po tayong iba't ibang programa para sa mga magsasaka. Unang-una na po diyan ay ang pagbibigay po sa kanila ng lupang ilang taon at dekada na nilang pinagtatrabahuan. Ibibigay po ng administrasyon ang mga lupa na karapat-dapat ay sa kanila."

Binati iyon ng nakakabinging hiyawan. Pumalakpak ang mga kaalyado ni Daddy na naaalala kong humihiyaw sa tuwing nakakatapak ng putik noong nagbakasyon kami at ang kanilang mga pamilya sa Cebu ilang taon na ang nakalipas.

"And of course, hindi makakalimutan ang mga tao sa Maynila," ani Daddy.

Nagsigawan na naman sila.

"Walang maiiwan at walang iwanan—ito po ang prinsipyo ng ating mga kasama ngayong gabi. Kaya naman po ay minabuti po ng aming samahan na gawing priority sa programang pabahay ang mga natutulog sa konkretong sahig ng Maynila."

His eyes strayed towards me. And I found myself clenching my fist. Though... I don't know why.

Iniwas ko ang aking paningin at nilipat ang atensyon sa aking ina na hindi mapakali sa kanyang inuupuan.

"Magiging mabaho 'tong sinusuot ko!" she hissed at her assistant. "Prepare my extra outfit. Quick! I told you days ago, Feliz, days ago! Na magdala ng sarili kong upuan!"

But she kept smiling and maintaining the motherly gaze.

"Para mahubog po ang ating mga Kabataan sa tamang landas, at hind maging hadlang sa kapayapaan ng pamumuhay ng sambayanan," patuloy ni Daddy.

The crowd cheered still. But the noise was more controlled as the tension rose in the air slightly.

Alam ng lahat kung ano ang tinutukoy niya. At alam ko na kung saan ito patungo. Habang nagsasalita siya, lumiit nang lumiit ang kanyang boses na para bang lumalayo ito sa kawalan.

And I just stared at him. I saw and heard how he made my sister's death a spectacle in front of the public. That the deed was done because the young people are restless and did not know any better. That she was murdered because the youth had shortsighted views.

"Ang demokrasya ay hindi po libre. Malaya po nating nasasabi ang ating mga hinaing sa gobyerno at malaya rin tayong pinakikinggan nito," aniya. "Ngunit ang kalayaan ay may kaakibat na responsibilidad. Bilang kabataan, parte ng inyong misyon ang pagiging mabuting anak sa inyong mga magulang at estudyante sa inyong mga guro. Wala sa pakikibaka sa daan ang sagot, mga minamahal naming kabataan!"

Marami sa mga taong nanonood ang tumango. My father took a dramatic pause and appeared to hold the stands for support, as if he was to be weakened by what he will say next. My mother, on the other hand, prepared her tissues... while her spare outfit is waiting for her in the car.

"Pinatay po ang aking minamahal na anak ilang linggo na ang nakaraan," the crowd went silent. "Pinagsamantalahan ang kabaitan ng aking anak at pinaslang dulot ng makabagong mga ideolohiya na pinaniniwalaan ng iilang mga tao."

I pinched myself again. Hindi masakit. Hindi pa rin talaga masakit. I was told I hardly feel anything. That statement rings in my head for how many times in a day.

Tiningnan niya ang mga tao gamit ang kanyang mga matang puno ng sakit at pighati. Napatingin ako sa aking braso at inalala ang naging diskusyon nila ni Mommy. Kulang pa, Daddy. Just a tiny bit more. If you loosened your grip on me earlier, I would have believed you knew what love and pain are like.

Binalik ko ang aking mga mata sa aking inang sumisinghot at nagpupunas ng luha. Hindi ko alam kung naluluha siya sa sinasabi ni Daddy o dahil sa maruming upuan niya.

I continued with my dull days. Palapit nan ang palapit ang eleksyon at nagiging mas malupit sina Daddy sa akin. Bawal na akong lumabas ng kwarto.

"She can't go out. I won't risk her saying anything for that boy!"

"I understand, Henri. But what about her lessons? She's already too stupid—"

A vase broke.

"She will resume her studies once I win. Ipapatapon 'yan sa ibang bansa!"

I quietly closed my eyes and laughed humorlessly. Say what for the boy, exactly? Ano ba ang sasabihin ko para sa taong 'yon? Ano ba siya sa akin?

I can only go out for my sister's highly publicized trials. And one of those trials is today.

Hindi ako tumingin sa kahit sino pag pasok ko sa korte. I was only here to represent my family, they say. Pero kilala ko ang pamilya ko. Nandito ako para parusahan—para durugin nang pinong-pino.

Natapos ang hearing nang hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari. Nasa isang direksyon lang ang atensyon ko—sa pinto. Pilit kong hindi pinakiramdaman ang nagsusumamong tingin ng taong nasa kabilang parte ng silid.

"S-Sandali lang, please..."

When it was over, I stood and prepared to leave. But maybe I was too slow.

"M-Montie."

I clenched my fist that's hidden in my pocket. I turned to meet his eyes—the very same eyes that drilled holes into my soul the first time we met. Those eyes scanned my being with worry, as if he has so much more stuff left to worry aside from his fate.

The cameras flashed. Strangely, I could still see him clearly amidst the blinding flashes. He stood clear in my line of sight. He's there, with his wrists chained together, wearing a worried and tired expression.

This time, I did not need to pinch myself to remind me of what pain and hatred should feel like.

Paano niya... nagagawang magmukhang nakakaawa para sa kanyang nagawa?

"Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong niya. "S-Sinasaktan ka na naman ba?"

Naririnig ko ang matinding pag-aalala sa kanyang boses. Ito ang pinakaunang pagkakataon na nagkaharap kami matapos ang gabing 'yon.

At sana ito na ang panghuli.

Love... is silly. It gives so much but seems to want to take twice of what it has given. Well, everything this funny life has given me is being forcibly taken from my grasp. Always. Hindi na bago 'to.

I wish it was the same for pain, as well. I wished in that moment that when pain becomes too repetitive, the skin just turns numb and limp. But it didn't. It acted as if I was new to it in front of the man who knew the worst of my pains... and the best of them.

Hindi ko matanggap 'yon. Hindi ko matanggap na nasasaktan ako hindi para sa sarili ko, ngunit para sa kanya. Hindi 'yon maaari.

"Mag-uusap tayo, hmm?" aniya at hinanap ang aking mga mata, "mag-uusap tayo kapag nakalaya na ako. Alam ko. Makakalaya ako rito at ipapaintindi ko—"

Inunahan ko siya.

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan pa ang pag-uusap. This is fine. This will do."

A rush of coldness took over me. Here it is. Here was the very reminder of my humanity standing in front of me. For it is through him that I feel this searing hurt in my chest as I cut my heart open.

"You're... dead to me."

And I left, with my heart thudding painfully in that room where I left it.