-Josh's P.O.V-

As I was standing on the cement parking lot with my bandmate, watching Broken Castle's tour bus drive away, a feeling I didn't want to return suddenly found its way back to me.

Abandonment.

I blink and slowly turn to Tyler. He looks a bit more content than I was at the moment.

He recognizes me staring at the ground then up at him and turns his upper body towards me while his furrowing his eyebrows.

"Wwwhat?" Tyler questions, dragging out the "W".

I sigh.

"I-I already miss her." I manage to stutter out.

Tyler gives me a sad half smile and pats my shoulder.

-Your P.O.V-

I finally turn and face my band mates and band manager for the first time after looking out the window since we left the parking lot.

It was almost as if I could feel the distance grow between Josh and I. Not just physically.

I bite my lip.

I don't know why I'm like this.

How do I manage to always find myself dealing with such complex feelings? Am I that abnormal?

I close my eyes and try to vanish these bad thoughts surrounding me.

"Oh my goodness! Guys, guess what?!"

Josh.

"Hey...(Y/N)-" Grayson taps my shoulder.

"Huh?" I interupt him.

"Did you hear Victoria?" G asks as I see Karma and my sister both looking at me.

I make eye contact with all three of them before answering.

"Oh, n-no. Sorry. What's up?" I blink a couple times trying to snap myself back into reality.

"I said Collapse is number 40 on the iTunes albums chart! You literally TOPPED Blurryface!" Victoria laughs at her ridiculous pun.

Karma rolls her eyes but still shows excitement.

"That's amazing!" K yells in celebration.

Grayson agrees and cheers with the two.

I sit still for a second.

My album is currently trending more than one of my favorite albums of all time from my favorite band?

I blink my (E/C) eyes as I try to process everything Victoria just announced.

My phone vibrates from my coat pocket.

I look at my phone screen, hoping for a text from Josh.

Is this what it was like for him while we were both on tour?

Do I finally understand what it meant to feel as if the other half of you is on the other side of the world?

I frown as I eventually check the notification.

Of course, it wasn't Josh.

I mentally roll my eyes.

-Josh's P.O.V-

I sit on the couch in the living room of Tyler's home.

Throwing a paper ball in the air and catching it repeatedly.

Tyler sits beside me, playing an old piano.

His fingers slide across the keys beautifully and I find myself being stripped further from reality as I start to focus on just the music.

And, obviously, terrible thoughts had to come and ruin the moment.

Josh, what do you think (Y/N) is doing right now?

You miss her a lot, don't you?

Yeah...she probably doesn't feel the same way. Oh well.

Tyler suddenly slams his hands down on the keyboard as the music comes to a stop with a loud bang and the window to my thoughts shatter as I am pulled back down to the ground.

He quickly turns in his seat towards me and begins to talk.

"Okay, you need to stop beating yourself up." He says with a blunt attitude.

I grind my teeth, trying to play it calm.

"What are you talking about?" I shrug his outburst off as the paper falls into my palm.

Realizing how therapist-office-like both of us look with me laying on a couch and Tyler sitting beside me, Ty stands up and flails his arms ordering me to sit up.

Tyler sits down with a breath and turns his head towards me.

"I tried to get you to think not mentally battle yourself." Tyler replies.

"Isn't that kind of what thinking is sometimes?" I give in and start to express myself towards my best friend.

"I guess but Josh..." Tyler adjusts himself on the suede couch. "You don't need to fight your thoughts all the time. I wanted you to figure out how you felt about (Y/N), not take mental punches each time her name crosses your mind."

"Ugh.." I lower my head and start fidgeting with the paper ball again. "I-I'm just having trouble finding out exactly what I feel."

"You don't need to know the exact word for it. Just try to explain your feelings to her and I'm sure it'll feel like a big weight has left your shoulders." Tyler suggests.

I mean, he's probably right.

Talking to (Y/N) about this whole situation might actually help.

Are you crazy?

I scrunch up the paper ball even more and try to stop myself from throwing it across the living room.

Whatever is happening in my mind right now needs to be put on pause or just leave in general while I try to figure things out.

-Your P.O.V-

The next night before our show in Indianapolis, I find myself less pumped than usual.

While Karma and Grayson are bouncing off the walls, ecstatic about our newest show, I find myself in a state of misery as I check my phone each five minutes for a text or snapchat or anything from Josh.

Does he even care?

Of course, we're friends now. Right?

He's probably just busy. Right.

Busy.

A guy finally tells us we have about five minutes before we go on stage.

I start doing some stupid but useful vocal warm ups an old vocal teacher taught me and try to concentrate.

Okay, the music and the people out there are what matter right now.

The people and the music.

I take a deep inhale and exhale.

Victoria steps in front of me.

"Hey sis...something up? You don't seem like your usual pumped up self before a show?" Victoria flashes a small smile.

"I'm fine, Victoria. Just tired I guess." I cross my arms and shrug.

"You got something on your mind?" She asks.

JOSH.

YEP, THERE HE IS AGAIN.

AGH.

I cannot escape that boy.

"No." I respond in a serious tone.

The lights of the main stage catch the band's attention as they start to flash as our queue to get on stage.

"Gotta go!" I pat her arm as I jog to the stage steps with K and G.

Victoria turns and waves.

"Good luck!" She calls out.

All through out the concert, I feel this build up of pressure enter me.

Kind of like you knew at any second you could break down.

Even at something so little and dumb.

Afterwards, I thank the entire crowd for coming and part ways with the concert go-ers.

I plaster a fake grin across my face as I high five and hug my band mates.

"That was an incredible way to kick off these last few shows!" Grayson exclaims, pushing his hair back as the sweat dribbles down his forehead.

"Agreed." His twin chuckles.

Victoria runs over to us, the sound of her shoes clanking against the floor quickly.

"Great show guys!" She shrieks and pulls us all into a hug.

We all react in a comedic but negative way as we groan at our sweaty and warm selves and pull away from the group hug.

I chuckle and dismiss myself from everyone.

I knew I needed to get away from everybody for a few just to calm myself down.

I go to the tour bus, hoping no one would enter for a little while.

I knew the twins liked to hand around the venue for a bit before leaving so I tried to assure myself I wouldn't be caught on the verge of breaking.

I hear a crack of thunder outside the tour bus doors.

No.

There's a storm outside.

No no no. Don't overthink. Do not overthink.

There's no sunshine.

Stop overthinking.

Josh.

Stop.

A flash of lighting shines out the window.

My breath starts to get heavy as I run my hands through my hair and try to get a hold of myself.

I hear the tour bus door swing open.

Dammit...

I take a final breath before turning and seeing Victoria walk in.

"Whew! That's quite a storm out there." Victoria giggles as I notice she's soaking from the rain.

I stand there and she seems to notice my nervous demeanor.

"Hey...you okay?" She asks in a concerned tone.

My eyes dart the other way to avoid hers and I answer.

"I'm fine."

Victoria places her hand on my shoulder blade.

"(Y/N)...?" She says just as concerned as before.

Another crack of thunder sends me straight into a breakdown.

My eyes instantly water and my throat becomes dry.

I take a few steps so Victoria's hand falls to her side.

"He just won't...leave me ALONE." I try to avoid raising my voice which fails.

I start to sob and cover my mouth with my hand.

"Are-Are you talking about...Josh?"

I shutter at the sound of his name.

I turn to my sister and slowly nod my head, avoiding eye contact.

Victoria's shoulders droop down as I feel her sadness start to weigh on her.

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A COMPLICATED PERSON? I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE AND I-I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT'S LIKE EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES HIS VOICE AND HIS LAUGH START TO JUST PLAY IN MY HEAD AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE." I scream over and over.

I feel my knees start to shake and my voice start to crack.

"I love him! I still love him! Before him, I had absolutely no idea it was possible to be so engrossed in love before." I feel the tears start to flow down my red cheeks as I cover my face with my trembling hands.

I thought being friends with Josh would be okay. Turns out I was very wrong.

Victoria doesn't talk. She just listens, which is all I could've hoped for.

I didn't want to tell anyone this. I was afraid of my feelings being brushed off as stupid or insane.

Victoria looks at me a bit longer before walking over and engulfing me in a hug.

I wrap my weak arms around her and let out some cries.

I begin to realize, this is kind of how I felt when I started to Victoria and I re-connected again. She was always on my mind.

Maybe I just have a problem with people. I get attached too easily. The whole thing after Ace made me want to never get close to people ever again.

Well, that was a complete fail.

Victoria pulls away and looks at me.

She sits me down beside her on the seats inside the bus.

She takes a deep breath before speaking up.

"I had a lot of the same thoughts you did when I was dating Ezra." She admits.

I turn to her.

Ezra?

She notices my confused look.

"Ezra was my boyfriend." She says.

My eyes grow a bit as I remember.

Her boyfriend.

He's dead now..

I start to think back on all I ever heard about this guy my sister dated.

-FLASHBACK-

"She said she was looking for you...sweetie, your sister hasn't been doing so well. Her boyfriend just passed away and ever since she's been a little...off." She sighs.

~

"My..." She sniffles again. "My boyfriend..."

I inhale.

"I know, Victoria. I'm so sorry.." I apologize.

-FLASHBACK END-

I sniffle and rub my eyes.

"O-Oh yeah." I remember.

Victoria nods her head.

"Um...b-before he...you know. We got into a fight." She confesses.

I turn to her.

"W-What happened?" I stutter out a question.

She bites her lip.

"It was stupid. I realized the thing we were arguing over was totally not worth it. I was going to apologize to him." She begins.

I'm scared of where this is headed...

(A/N: uh just putting a trigger warning here i don't wanna say whats up just in case of spoilers but yeah just proceed with caution)

"Uh, I-uh, I headed over to his apartment-well, our apartment at the time, heh." She chuckles nervously.

"I went home and called out his name a few times without any response so I started looking around for him..." Victoria's head drops down slowly as I can see her try to collect herself.

"I walked into the bedroom and...he had overdosed." She admits.

My brows furrow.

I felt so bad for my sister. 

I can't imagine going through something like this...but I still can't help but wonder why she's telling me this now?

I place my hand over her knee and she places her hand on top of mine.

She looks up at me with a small, re-assuring smile.

"I never got to tell him that I was sorry or anything. I never really told him...how I felt. Kind of like how you haven't told Josh how you're feeling right now."

The light turns on in my brain as I understand what Victoria is trying to say.

She grasps both of my hands with hers and looks at me.

"And I'm not saying Josh is gonna die or anything...But, you guys aren't together right now and before something possibly dramatic happens...you need to tell Josh how you feel." She grips my hands a bit tighter.

My tears finally slow down and I give my sister a grin.

I hug her and pat her on the back.

"Thank you for telling me everything. It means a lot." I say.

She nods her head.

"No problem. I care about you, (Y/N)." She whispers.

"I care about you too." I chuckle.

A/N: i'm sorry if this sucked

later

-b