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December 14th 2019
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Los Angeles CA
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7:30 AM
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Morning, birds chirping, sunlight cracks through my filthy curtains.
My alarm startles me out of my sleep, the dread has multiplied.
I stay in bed taking minute power naps, unable to fully drift off out of fear of sleeping in.
Anxiety does have some perks.

I know I must sound like just some ungrateful privilege white girl because other people have worser issues then I have.
Funny thing is people in those countries tend to be happier then us first worlders.
Pain is a complicated thing.
You're probably wondering why I feel this way.
Or why you should care, Well I'll show you...

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December 15th 2001
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New York
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1:17 am

Darkness swallowed the room, the only light peaking in was from headlights shining through the window.
The light ran along the cracked baby blue walls then disappearing into darkness once again.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!"

-Baby, BABY! Wake up, you're having a night terror again."
Jamie comforted Cassandra.

"Try to breathe."
"What happened Cass?"

-"The usual, just some good ole PTSD."
Cassandra spoke calm and nonchalantly.

-"This isn't good Cass, this stress can't be good on the baby."

"Yeah true, but she's gonna have to deal with it eventually anyway, with my genetics, and you as her father."

"Fuck you babe"
Jamie said in an offended yet sarcastic tone.

Cassandra chuckled.
"I've gotta go pee, I'll be right back, miss kicky over here has found the bladder."

"I love you Cassie."
-"I love you too Jamie, so much."

30 seconds pass of pure silence, then suddenly blood curdling screams of agony.

"Baby are you okay!?"
Jamie screamed out to Cassandra while anxiety struck his chest.

"She's coming now Jamie!"

"Its okay, just try to breathe darling."
"I'll call the doctor, everything's gonna be okay."
"I'll make sure it is."

Rushing out the the house bag in hand, Jamie helped Cassandra into the passenger seat, kissing her forehead tenderly.

Jamie shoved the key into the ignition and started the engine of his old beaten up red Honda Civic Convertible.
Foot down he swiftly reversed the vehicle out of the cement drive way.
Once on the road he gunned it down the dark lonely street.

Jamie sees how distressed Cassandra is, he feels the same but stayed calm out of fear of making things worse.

Contractions caused Cassandra to scream violently again.
"I can't do this, I can't do this!"

-"Yes you can baby I've seen you go through much worse."
Jamie reassured Cassandra.

Cassandra grasped Jamie's right hand for comfort.

Jamie grasped Cassandra's hand tight
"You're the strongest person I know Cassandra."

After 10 minutes of hyperventilating and groans of pain, Jamie broke the tension.
"I can't believe we haven't decided on a name yet."
Cassandra's heavy breathing continued making Jamie more nervous.

"Heh, who would've thought creating life would make you want to die."

"NOT FUNNY JAMIE!"
Cassandra yelled in a annoyed tone.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay."
Jamie whispered compulsively to himself.

Jamie was so exhausted he wound down the window to let cold air in.
The frosty air hit Jamie's long silky obsidian hair.

Jamie turned on the radio and Lightening crashes by Live came on.
The lyrics felt hard to ignore as they resonated with the situation.

Tears began to form in the corners of Jamie's sapphire eyes.
He closed them to force the tears out.

Jamie's sadness suddenly turned into relief
"Look baby!"
"There's the hospital, it's gonna be okay darling, okay?"
"I promise."

Cassandra cut in
"What if I die? and she never knows how much I love her?"
"What if she hates me?"
"I'm not ready for this!"
"I thought I could but I can't."
"I can't!"

Jamie turned down the radio.
He imagined her heart cracking into sharp pieces stabbing her lungs with every word she spoke.
"Don't think like that Cass, you can't let yourself."
"This baby will know, she will know."
"she'll know because we will be there to tell her."

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December 16th 2001
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New York
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White lights
Calm conversations and beeping surrounded Cassandra's senses, slowly opening her eyes she sees Jamie holding her child. This instantly sobers her up.

"Can I hold her?"

Jamie gently placed the new born child into Cassandra's arms.
Tears fell gracefully onto the child's cheek. Cassandra wiped her tears from her daughters face and said
"Elisabeth Violet Ainsworth, I love you unconditionally, and I promise to keep you safe until the day I die."

"Miss black, you look exhausted."
A nurse said endearingly.

"We think it would be best for everyone to get some rest."

"Yes definitely."
Cassandra said trying not to yawn.

"Do you think you could stay with me Jamie?"
Casandra asked Jamie in a sweet tone.

Jamie smiled
"Of course baby!"

Jamie tucked Cassandra in and stayed with her all night holding her hand gently.

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December 17th 2001
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New York
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Cassandra
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Age 24
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Cassandra heard Jamie's voice.
"Good morning babe!"

Cassandra slowly opened her eyes.

Jamie then said with a smile written on his pale exhausted face.
"I brought you coffee darling, from our favourite place."
"Oh and these flowers, I got one for you annnnd one for her."

-"Awe baby, I take back what I said about the stress thing, she is blessed to have you."

Jamie smiles again, hard enough to expose his sunken in dimples.

Cassandra looks up to Jamie.
"Where is she?"
Jamie put his hand on Cassandra's arm.
"The nurses took her, they had to perform a C Section, I'm sure she's saf...
Jamie was cut off.

"Miss Black."
Cassandras doctor entered the room.
"We have found traces of Methamphetamine in your blood."
"We also found traces of it in the infants.

-"YOU TOOK BLOOD FROM MY CHILD!?"
"WAIT, YOU TOOK MY BLOOD!?"
Cassandras words were so loud that they pierced the walls of nearby rooms.

"Yes Miss Black, your daughters pupils were dilated and she wouldn't stop screaming last night, it's the rule, I'm sorry."
"Miss Black how long have you been taking..."

-"I'm not a fucking Meth head"
Cassandra screamed at her nurses and doctors with offence.
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Methamphetamine causes
Rapid mood changes, a person can go from excited to aggressive very quickly, and can even become violent.
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"Calm down miss we're just trying to get the facts straight."
A female doctor said calmly and maturely.

"Your daughter is also considerably smaller then the average newborn...

"STOP!"
Jamie screamed.
"I need to be alone with my partner."

The doctors and nurses decided to a oblige, they left the room without another word, closing the door with courtesy.

"Cassie, Cassie...what have you done?"

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May 20th 1988
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Cassandra (age 11)
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Los Angles CA

Plastic clacking together, a bathroom fan blasting.
Cassandra heard loud banging on the bathroom door.

"Cassie!" "Cassie!"
"Hurry up Jesus Christ."

"Sorry sis, you can't rush art."
Cassandra said jokingly with a hint of confidence.

"You're 11 years old Cass, go watch Astroboy or something and leave the makeup to the adults."

-"You!?
"An adult?"
"Please!"
Cassandra said smiling in disbelief.
"Sarah don't make me laugh."
"You've got no job no car and no life."

Sarah became overwhelmed with rage and aggressively slapped Cassandra across her face.
The impact was so intense that it caused Cassandra to drop to the floor.

"Who the fuck do you think you are!?"
Sarah screams into Cassandras ear grasping a handful of her silky blonde hair, pulling so hard that it made migraines feel like a head massage.

"You are a pathetic ugly cow, and if you ever touch my makeup again I'll make sure you're mother pays for it, and I don't mean with money."
"Fucking bitch."

Sarah released her grasp causing Cassandra to drop to the floor again.
She then stormed off without another word.

Cassandra stood up and walked towards the bathroom sink.
She looked up at the mirror, her skin was dark red, with lipstick smeared across her cherry face.

A tear then fell into the bathroom sink.
"It's not the last, it never is."
Cassandra thought to herself causing more emotion to overwhelm her.

She turned on the water then she cupped her small fragile hands under the Faucet filling her hands with water.
She splashed her face repeatedly and wiped the excess makeup and water off with a wash cloth.

Exiting the bathroom she walked slowly towards the lounge room.
Her step father was seated on one of the many couches her wealthy mother owned.
Drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle.
It was silent so he heard Cassandras quiet foot steps lingering through the hallway.

Cassandra then asked him.
"Where is Sarah?

With a blank expression he stared at Cassandra ominously.

He took another swig of the bottle still observing her.
-"So sweetie, what are you all dressed up for?"

"I...I don't know."
Cassandra said nervously"
"I guess I'm just trying something different"

-"I...I...I." Cassandra stutters coming back into reality.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this."

Cassandra's therapist drops her pen to her notepad.
-"It's okay Cassandra you can tell me."
"Everything you tell me is confidential."
Cassandra's therapist remained calm.

Cassandra was still scared out of her mind, as if she was back in her horrific past.
Tears began to form in the corner of her stressed eyes.

-"It's okay Cassandra, I'm your therapist this is what I'm here for."

"I'm sorry I have got to go"

-"Cassandra? CASSANDRA!" "Please wait!"

"Let's go Jamie."

Cassandra slammed the car door shut causing a loud thud which annoyed Jamie.
He loved his car dearly and even closing it too hard caused him to cringe.

Annoyed he lost his temper at Cassandra.
-"Cass careful!"
"You can break the door that way, fuck sakes!"

Jamie sighed.

"Its been 20 minutes Cass I thought the whole point of this was to get better."

"It's the past now Jamie."
Cassandra said with an annoyed tone that indicated that she was sick of the same old conversations.

-"Baby baby baby baby."
Jamie anxiously repeated to himself.

Cassandra interrupted.
-"And like you're one to talk!"
"When are you gonna see someone for your OCD Jamie?, fucking hypocrite."

Jamie's eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness.
"It's not the past, because now it's our daughter Cassandra."
"This is the only way to get her back."

Cassandra paused

Jamie continued
"Cassandra you can't."

Cassandra interrupted
-"OKAY!, okay..."
"This is all my fault."
Cassandra says as if she's accepted that her life was a lost cause.
A tear fell from the corner of her eye.

-"I didn't say that Cass."

"No, no that's just what I do, I lost our baby because I'm a pathetic addict, I warned you of that."
"I'm twisted, that's what they've told me my whole life."
"Anytime I feel something everyone's just like, "give her her pills."
Cassandra takes a slow breath.
"So I decided to medicate myself...my way."

Jamie sympathised.
"I don't think so."
"You're not twisted Cass, you're hurt."
"I love you, I always will no matter what."
"You've had terrible things happen to you, and I understand if you want to give up but, I...I...I need you."

"Tell me why?"
Cassandra asked with a tone of disbelief, but she knew, she just needed Jamie's words.
He always knew what to say.

"You're beautiful,smart and funny, you care so much."
"You feel other peoples pain, even when you haven't gone through it, you just understand."
"you listen."
Jamie explained with a desperate yet genuine tone.

"You love me for who I am Cass.
I've got some skeletons too, and it never made you love me less."
"My whole life I thought, if anyone really knew me, they wouldn't love me."
"And then you..."
Jamie became choked up.
He became so emotional his words began to no longer make any sense.

-"I destroy things."
"And I loose everything."
Cassandra said looking up at the other vehicles that surrounded Jamie's red Convertible.

The roof could slide back and forth, Jamie liked it because every drive was a unique experience.
Jamie had flash backs of all his memories that included Cassandra and his car.

He remembered the warm summer breeze brush through both of there lengthy hair while cruising down the coast.
He'd speed over 120 causing Cassandra to have butterflies.
He remembered her smile and the way she looked at him.
Her black leather jacket, the way she smelt like Intoxicating Jasmine.

Jamie left his euphoric daydream remembering Cassandra's pain.
"Babe..."

-"No Jamie!"

Jamie grasped Cassandras right hand.
Cassandra then stared at Jamie's features with glassy eyes.

"She looks like you."
Cassandra said endearingly
"Charcoal hair, ocean blue eyes."
"Beautiful, nothing like me."

Cassandra placed her left hand on Jamie's left cheek.
"I'm sorry baby."

Cassandra exited the vehicle swiftly then ran as fast as she could to the nearest Taxi Cab.
Jamie sprinted to her as fast as he could.

Unable to catch up he stared at the taxi cab with a heartbreak in his eyes.
Strangers passed him, but no one looked up at his devastated face.
New York is incredibly busy and lonely.
Empty.

His tears were like crashing waves consuming him.
He tasted the salt from his ocean tears and still didn't wipe his drenched face.
He liked the feeling of crying because he was used to doing it on the inside.
Though his tears were painful they were also his relief.

Cassandra did not feel many emotions due to trauma and the medication she was on.
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20MG CAP (Fluoxetine) also formally known as
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Prozac.
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"Please take me to 13 Myers street."
Cassandra said nervously to the taxi driver.
She stared out the window at nearby cars passing and towering buildings, ruminating about what she was about to do.

She imagined every possible scenario, every outcome, trying to prepare herself for the worst.

Anxiety consumed her.
Though she was struggling to breathe, her chest pains and sweaty hands were all she could focus on.
She knew that she had to go through with her decision if she was ever to have chance at life.
Not just being alive but feeling alive.

"Just right here."
Cassandra said breathlessly to the Taxi driver.
The Taxi Driver pulled in quickly to the nearest sidewalk.
Cassandra got out of the car and begun walking to the front door of 13 Myers street.

Cassandra stood on the sidewalk adjacent from the house that filled her heart with fear.
She looked around her, she was surrounded by trees, and expensive houses that she could never afford, but that reminded her of her childhood home.
She wished she could have raised Elisabeth in similar neighbourhood.

Cassandras boots crunched on the dry auburn leaves, she felt a warm autumn breeze hit her flowing silky blonde hair.
Cassandra took a deep breath and followed the path to the front door.
Once she had reached the house she knocked on the stained wooden door.

A young girl who appeared to be Eight years old with mousy blonde hair, pale skin and eyes with hints of blue and green opened the door.

"Hello, Who are you?"
The girl asked confused and nervously.

-"I'm Cassandra Black."
Cassandra's voice stayed firm, she was ready for any outcome, negative or positive.
Black or white.

"What do you want?"
The girl backed away behind the door prepared to close it.

"To start over"
Cassandra said steadily to the young girl

"What are you talking about?"
The girl asked Cassandra anxiously and begun slowly closing the door, still curious about who the woman was.

Cassandra saw this.
She knew this feeling all to well.
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Cassandra is extremely emotionally intelligent
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She decided to rip the bandaid off.
"I'm your mother."