T E N    Y E A R S    B E F O R E

It's all your fault.

She'd be alive if it wasn't for you.

If you hadn't gone out that day, she'd still be here.

It's your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault.

Aurelia's eyes fly open and she finds that she's staring at the familiar white ceiling of the penthouse. She's been having the same nightmare over and over again for the past few days and each time it happens, she feels even more guilty. She had thought that she was over what happened, but clearly her brain, her mind had other ideas. It's been about two and a half years since she lost the baby and the grief hits her in waves. Sometimes the pain of 'what could have been' is manageable, but other days it feels like the life has been sucked out of her.

Some days she can barely move because of the grief. She has gone to therapy a lot, and that's helped, but nothing's going to fully help her heal from what happened. Harry has been an immense help, and he's been incredibly patient with her. It breaks his heart to see the love of his life so broken and it hurts more when he realises how hard she's trying to get better. He knows that this isn't for her benefit though; it's for their son's. Though Fynn is five years old, he's very perceptive and has already begun to ask why his mother is so sad all the time.

Aurelia's had to take time off work multiple times to focus on getting better and since they had the money, Harry decided to do the same. He took time off so he could help his wife and help her take care of Fynn, since she's not as capable of doing so that now. He wishes that she knew or understood that the miscarriage was not her fault and that it would never be. It was just fate, and it was bound to happen because of the amount of stress that was being put on her at the time. She is the head editor of a publishing company and she had to deal with having to fire multiple employees for incompetence and she had several meetings with very important authors. They kept rejecting anything that she proposed and she was almost fired because she couldn't get them to come to an agreement with the company.

Harry often hates how overworked his wife is, and how her boss always takes advantage of her dedication to the job. He's suggested on multiple occasions that she quit and either go to a different job or just become a stay at home mum. Aurelia always refuses because she's always been fiercely independent and didn't like the idea of having to rely on someone else for income. She also has the irrational fear that for whatever reason, Harry is going to break up with her, that he'll leave her for someone else. She knows how stupid that thought is, especially because of how devoted he is, but the thought of that is always going to be there. The idea of a possible split is the reason why they have separate bank accounts along with a shared one. That way she'll always have money that's her own that no one but her can touch.

"You don't hate me, right Harry?" Aurelia asks, only to realise that her husband is still fast asleep. She knows how stupid her question is, she knows that he is still very much in love with her and that he could never hate her. The fear that he resents her, however, will always be on her mind. When it becomes clear that she won't be able to fall back asleep, Aurelia gets out of bed and heads over to Fynn's room. She immediately feels better when she sees her son, and she can't help herself as she goes over to him. Fynn opens his eyes when he hears the floor squeak quietly. He smiles sleepily up at his mother and slowly moves to the side so she can lie on the bed with him.

"Hi mummy," Fynn says quietly as he nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck.

"Hi baby," she says softly. "Go back to sleep, okay?"

"Okay," he mumbles before closing his eyes and falling back to sleep pretty quickly. Aurelia follows soon after and the two are sound asleep. In the other room, Harry wakes up with a start and feels a rush of panic when he doesn't see his wife sleeping beside him. He groggily goes to the bathroom to make sure that she's not in there before instinctively going to his son's room. He immediately relaxes when he sees Aurelia holding Fynn in her arms. The sight warms his heart and he quickly goes back to his room to grab his camera. He takes a few pictures of his sleeping wife and son before gathering some blankets and a pillow and settling down beside the bed.

P R E S E N T

Aurelia stares blankly down at the picture in her hands. She knows that it's her, she knows that her son is in her arms, but she's not sure of who took it. Her first thought would be Harry, but since he doesn't love her now, why would he love her then? How could someone suddenly fall out of love with someone else, especially if that person gave you a child? How could someone be okay with breaking someone's heart? Harry couldn't have loved her if he was willing to cheat on her for a whole year.

Aurelia isn't as angry as she should be, and part of it is because she's determined to be civil, not for her or Harry, but for her son. Everything she's ever done for the past fifteen years has been for him. She's made countless sacrifices for him, she's given up a lot of her time, she's missed out on opportunities, but all that has been worth it. She's stuck with her family through the most difficult times, and Harry didn't seem to be willing to do that any more. It looks like they really won't be together till death do they part.

Sighing, Aurelia drops the photo, not caring that it hits the floor as she leaves the bedroom. It's three in the morning and she takes a look around the place that used to bring so much happiness. Now it's just a reminder of what was and what could have been. Memories of what happened in this penthouse hits her and she lets out a quiet sob. She doesn't want to leave all of this behind, she doesn't want to let go of the life she had, but she has to. It's her job as the dutiful wife and her heart aches as her eyes scan all of the surfaces.

As if by her own accord, Aurelia gets a notepad and begins to write down every single item in the living room and it's significance. She works on the list for hours and when it's half past six, she sets the pen and paper down. She silently goes over to the fridge to begin breakfast and grows frustrated when she sees all of the food but has no idea what to do with them. All of the recipes that she had memorized over the years are gone. Her mind is blank and she lets out a groan, not knowing what to do now. The doctors had warned that something like this would happen, but she hadn't expected it to happen so quickly.

"Morning, Mum," Fynn says, yawning as he walks into the kitchen. His steps falter when he sees his mother's disheveled appearance. He can tell that she didn't get any sleep last night, or she had, it was restless. He tries to hide his concern as he walks over to her and hugs her tightly. "You know I love you right?" he whispers quietly.

"Yes of course, I love you too," Aurelia says softly. She's about to continue speaking, but suddenly she feels her hand beginning to move without her doing anything and she calmly pulls away from Fynn. "I'm going to go wake your father, I'll be right back okay?"

"I'll start breakfast," Fynn yawns. Aurelia nods slowly before heading upstairs. The shaking in her hand--or spasms have subsided now and she takes a deep breath before walking into the bedroom. She jumps abruptly when she sees Harry sitting on the edge of the bed with a picture in his hand. It's the photograph of her and Fynn, and she sees his sad look.

"S-sorry," Aurelia says quietly as she quickly runs to the bathroom. She bumps her hip against the dresser as she goes and shuts the door behind her. She clumsily takes a shower, and is somewhat disoriented as she walks out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped tightly around her body. Harry is nowhere to be found and she's glad about this. She takes her time to get dressed and when she goes downstairs, she sees Fynn and Harry sitting at the small table in the kitchen, despite the large one in the dining room.

"The eggs are on the stove," Fynn says with a smile. He's wide awake now and looks at his parents. It's been a few days since his father has started to carry his mother out of the penthouse, and it's meant a lot to him, seeing this every morning. It gave him assurance that his parents were happy, that he has nothing to worry about in regards to them breaking up. The fear that he had felt is gone now and he could not be any happier. He even sees his father smile at his mother as she goes to get some eggs. He hasn't done that in a long time and it takes everything for Fynn to stop himself from yelling out loud. Everything's so peaceful now.

"It's time," Aurelia says as the reminder in her phone goes off.

"But you've barely eaten," Harry says with a slight frown, taking note of her barely touched plate of eggs.

"I'll eat at the office," she replies calmly. She tries to stand, but her legs are stiff today and it takes a lot for her to push herself up. Harry's by her side immediately and quickly picks her up. He takes note of how much lighter she is now, and attributes that to him it's slowly gaining more strength. As he carries his wife over to the front door, he notices how her head is now leaned against his chest, and he picks up the light vanilla scent of her favorite perfume.

Fynn rushes over to the door and opens it, and watches as his parents stepped through the threshold and out of the penthouse. He can't help himself as he lets out a quiet whoop and he begins to clap. Guilt hits Harry as he sets Aurelia down, now realizing how important it has become to his son to see his parents do this every morning. He awkwardly looks down at Aurelia and feels his heartbeat quicken ever so slightly. He opens his mouth to say goodbye, but he stops when he notices the sad look in her eyes. Before he can really do anything, she turns away and walks stiffly down the hallway.

As Harry drives Fynn to school, a million thoughts are rushing through his mind. Memories of happier times come back to him and it takes everything he has not to burst into tears right then and there. He waits until he drops Fynn off to pull over on a side street and take several deep breaths. He has an internal battle with himself for several long minutes before deciding that he can't go into work today. He sends a quick text to Celia and decides to go to the penthouse. He goes to lay on the couch, only to be stopped by a piece of paper and pen. His eyebrows furrow and he leans over to pick up the discarded items.

Things I can't forget.