Sobbing, I threw myself into Mama's outstretched arms. She made no attempt to comfort me with empty words, but merely caressed my hair soothingly. Hearing a noise, I raised my tear-streaked face from her shoulder to see Simeon and Levi hovering indecisively in the door. Simeon began haltingly, "We came to check on you, we were afraid . . ." his words trailed off uncertainly smothered by the look of pure hatred on my face.

The pain of betrayal permeating my body, I demanded, "Why, Simeon, why?"

He responded, "You had been violated. We could not stand by and let you be treated like a prostitute; Levi and I felt justice must be served. We expected thanks for rescuing you from these vile people. We would have preferred to punish only Shem, but knew the town would not sit by idly while their prince was brought to justice. So we had to kill all of the males in the town."

Momentarily overcome by the widespread slaughter, I covered my face. Then picking my words carefully, I stated, "I am no longer a concern of yours. By dishonoring your word and slaying my betrothed, you forfeited the esteem I had for you. I no longer consider either of you to be my brothers." Turning away I said, "Mama, will you please ask them to leave."

Mama rose saying, "Now is not the best time to speak to your sister; she is still in shock and does not understand all she implies. Come out now and allow her to rest."

At that moment Papa's voice preceded him into the tent. "Leah, are Simeon and Levi here?"

"Yes," she replied leaving the room and motioning for them to follow. "If you would like a word with them, you may use my reception room. I need to check on the children."

I held my breath hoping Papa would accept Mama's offer. I needed to know what his response was to the slaughter. To my relief he thanked her for her generosity.

Although I resented Papa's inattention to Mama, I loved him fiercely. I wanted for him to be innocent in the conspiracy against Shem; I needed some security in a world threatened by calamity. I listened unashamedly to what transpired.

"Have the two of you lost your senses?" Papa's voice demanded. "I understand that you are responsible for the massacre in Shechem. I should have suspected some ruse when you suggested circumcision as the bride price. Surely you understand the gravity of what you have done! Our reputation rests on our word. It is bad enough that you violated the sacred trust of hospitality, the unspoken bond created by shared bread. That transgression might have been overlooked had Dinah been defiled and no offer of marriage been forthcoming. It might even have been tolerated had the offer been rejected. But to have entered into a covenant and then slaughtered the other party is abominable."

Simeon replied, "Should we have treated our sister like a prostitute?"

"Perhaps you should have considered that before making your proposal to Hamor," Jacob countered. "It is evident to me, as I'm sure it will be to the surrounding towns, that the massacre was premeditated. You have made my name a stench to the people living in this land. Our number is small compared to the strength of the Canaanites. If they unite against me, we will surely be destroyed."

"These people all have daughters and sisters," Simeon said. "They will understand that such a disgrace is not to be overlooked. You know, too, that no daughter of Israel could be thus used without God taking revenge. Has He not blessed us by increasing our wealth, adding to our flocks and herds and giving us additional servants?"

"Your arrogance appalls me," Jacob stated. "Do you presume to tell me you are the instrument chosen by God to vindicate your sister? Would not Yahweh have spoken to her father first? No, Simeon. Your actions were neither sanctioned nor led by God. The added wealth is merely blood-tainted spoils. When you suggested the Shechemites be circumcised, I thought this might lead to them embracing Yahweh and abandoning their worthless idols. God might have brought some good out of a sorry situation had you not interfered. I am an old man with headstrong heirs. Go now and repent of your sins."

As I lay with eyes closed pondering what I had heard, Papa approached and thinking I was still sleeping said, "I love you, Dinah. I wish I could turn time back for you." Kneeling beside my bed and taking my hand, he pressed it to his lips. Feeling the tears, I was afraid to let him know I was awake. Continuing to hold my hand, he prayed, "God, I do not understand what has happened, but I know she will comprehend even less. Make her aware of your love and compassion. Forgive me for the many times I have failed her, for the neglect, for my pride that causes me to stumble. Fill me with your wisdom." Kissing my hand again, he stood and departed.

When Mama returned she brought with her bread, milk and a warm broth. Ignoring the food, I said, "Do you think Aunt Rachel could spare Judith for a few days? I would welcome her company." Unable to meet my eyes, Mama spoke while staring at her agitated hands. "I'm sorry, but that will be impossible. Judith no longer lives with Rachel. When she returned without you, she claimed you had gone into the bush to relieve yourself and never returned. Although dubious, I accepted her story. Knowing your liking for adventure, I kept your absence from Jacob until the servant arrived with the message from Hamor. When I admitted to Jacob that you had been gone since mid‑morning, he demanded to know the circumstances. Hearing of Judith's presence, he sent for her and demanded she tell him what had happened. Afraid of his wrath, she admitted the laundry was planned as a disguise for your real purpose. Despite her insistence that your plan was only to meet another girl, your father's anger was terrible. He banished her from Rachel's tent. She is allowed to live with her mother, but her days are now spent in training as a goatherd. She has been forbidden to see you."

Beaten, I lay back refusing to eat. Mama convinced me to eat despite my lack of appetite by promising to tell me of the happenings during my lost day. When she mentioned the captive women and children, I immediately thought of Sheerah. Realizing no one knew her name or appearance, I refrained from mentioning her. Rather, I tried to gather information through general questions. Gaining nothing useful, I determined to go to the Shechemite's tents at the first opportunity. Knowing I would need strength, I finished my lunch.

Mama now broached a touchy subject. It seems Papa wanted my borrowed clothing to be burned. He had given Mama the job of convincing me to part with them. Simeon had wanted to cut them off of me when I was brought home, but Mama had prevailed on Papa to wait. Now I think she regretted her intervention.

Struck with sudden inspiration, I asked Mama to allow me to give the clothes to one of the captured women. Relieved at my cooperation, she readily agreed to my suggestion. Her plan was to send a servant with the clothes, but I insisted on going myself, indicating I wanted to impress on the recipient the importance of the clothing.

Changing hastily I folded the dress, tenderly wrapping it in a piece of old cloth. Mama accompanied me to the edge of the encampment where she stopped saying, "Do what you must and return quickly. I will tarry here"

Giving her an appreciative smile, I entered the group of tents being used by the captives. From the averted faces of the women, I knew I was unwelcome but I continued, determined to locate Sheerah.

Seeing Hurriya playing near a tent, I approached. As I drew near, I recognized the lone figure huddled in the shade of the tent, her back to me as she faced the barren land beyond the camp. Diverting my path in that direction, I walked hesitantly towards Sheerah. Hearing my steps she said, "Go away. I just want to be left alone."

"Please, Sheerah," I replied. "I still want to be your friend. Perhaps we can be of comfort to one another."

Turning her swollen eyes to me, she said, "How can you comfort me? They were my blood: my mother, my father, my brothers — all gone. You knew them for only a few hours; your grief could not be comparable. You have lost only a dream. You still have your family."

"Yes," I said. "I have lost a dream. You as my sister were a part of that dream, the only part not yet shattered. I too have lost my brothers, but mine is a living loss of my own choosing. I can no longer love and trust those who have slaughtered your people. I still love you and hope you will one day learn to love me again." Laying my package beside her, I explained briefly its contents asking her to keep them for me as Papa had forbidden me to wear them. Then I turned from her haunted eyes and trudged back to camp.

Nearing Mama who stood talking with a servant, I tried to think of a way to thank her. I recognized she had to suspect my errand had an ulterior motive and yet was willing to let me go. This action demonstrated a sensitivity and love I had not credited to her. Unable to express my feelings, I determined to show my appreciation by correcting my rebellious behavior. Ironically, it did not occur to me that such a change might be a natural result of the despondency I felt.

For the next two weeks, I worked in lethargy brought on by grief. I paid little attention to activity around me and so was surprised by the plans revealed at a specially called assembly. Papa indicated that he had received instructions from Yahweh during a period of fasting and prayer. With the slain properly interred and the women's proscribed period of public mourning ended, we were to prepare to move. Yahweh had told us to proceed to Bethel where we would build an altar, repenting of our sins and reestablishing a relationship with Him. To prepare ourselves, all foreign gods were to be brought immediately to Papa. He also asked us to dispose of our earrings or other outward trappings which glorified ourselves rather than drawing attention to God.

I readily removed my gold earrings and gave them to Mama to add to the ones being deposited near Papa in a pit dug earlier. I didn't care whether I was attractive to men or God. My present attitude pictured Yahweh as a judgmental despot whose standards were unattainable. If my prayers for Shem had been ignored, I saw no reason to continue to worship. My family could do as they wished, but I would go through the motions without any inward adoration.

I roused from my introspection when a startled murmur swept through the crowd. Seeing Aunt Rachel standing before Papa holding her family gods, I too was amazed. Papa held the gods aloft reminding us of Grandpa Laban's search for the teraphim and praising Aunt Rachel for her willingness to relinquish her idols after protecting them for so long. Handing them back, Papa had her personally throw them into the pit. Her action inspired others who had been reluctant to abandon their idols. One by one they left the group to return with pagan gods. When all were collected, we watched as Papa shoveled dirt into the pit. Then we returned to our tents to cleanse ourselves and change into clean clothes as directed. Tomorrow we would leave for Bethel.

After dark Mama, Aunt Rachel, Bilhah, Zilpah and I gathered behind the bathing curtain as before. This time all would be purified since the servants had also given up their pagan deities. I missed Judith's presence, regretting that because of me she would miss what should have been her first ritual. The atmosphere was solemn, not charged with excitement as before. Knowing my inward thoughts, I felt like a hypocrite as I participated. I hurried through the chants planning to finish and leave the others to straighten the bathing area, but Aunt Rachel suggested the others leave the task to her and me.

After they left she said, "I wanted a moment alone with you. I planned several times to come talk with you, but didn't know what to say. Your grief is so..."

As she struggled for the right word, I interrupted. "If it is guilt you feel, don't. Only two people need feel guilt and they don't. They see their actions as ordained by God. Can you believe that? God! I want no part of such a Being." With that I turned to leave, but Aunt Rachel laid her hand on my arm.

"Wait," she said. "Let me finish. It is not right for you to blame Yahweh for something not His doing. Had I prayed to Him and not those useless carved gods, things might have gone differently. You see, I asked those gods to protect you when you went to meet your friend. When I heard what had happened, I was filled with remorse, but comforted myself with the knowledge of the impending wedding. After I heard of the massacre, I went to Jacob and recanted my gods. I told him of my part in your deception and together we prayed. For the first time I felt enveloped by the love of Yahweh. Then I understood why Jacob championed Yahweh as the one true God. He loves you and wants the best for you. All you have to do is give Him your doubts and rebellion."

"That is easy for you to say," I responded. "You have the man you want and his son to love. You are kept in luxury and your every wish is granted. I have nothing and the promise of love was taken violently. No, I cannot give Yahweh my doubts. Recent events have simply created more rebellion. You bask in Yahweh's love; I wallow in His contempt."

After this outburst, we silently cleaned the bathing area. Removing and folding the curtains, we each took one and headed for our tents. As we parted, Aunt Rachel said, "I will pray for you. You need Yahweh's love now more than ever."

It was late the next morning before we got underway. Just after dawn the men had moved out with the flocks and herds. It had taken the women longer than usual to break camp because the Shechemite women did not know how to fold and pack their tents. When we finally began to move it was already hot. I found myself continually lagging behind, strangely fatigued. Mama dropped back to encourage me to hurry and to inquire worryingly about my health. Blaming the heat and my recent lethargy, I promised to keep up. Although I managed to stay with the women, I was worn out by the time we stopped for the midday rest and water break. I was parched and drank deeply before lying in the shade of a scrawny tree and falling asleep.

As I trekked through the monotonous days, I withdrew more and more. Mama's concern registered in her anxious looks but I didn't care. Once Papa even came back to encourage us, making a special effort to talk to me. I suppose I responded intelligibly, but I don't really know. Nothing seemed to matter any more as the meaningless days ran together. The only thing new was a periodic nausea that served to make my days more miserable.

Finally we stopped for a rest near a spring. Relieved not to have to walk endlessly, I sat in the shade of the tent and thought of the futility of the last few days. I also considered the significance of my fatigue, thirst and nausea. Only one conclusion was possible; one I was not prepared to face.