CHAPTER ELEVEN | " THE HEART IS A HEAVY BURDEN "

NICHOLAS REMEMBERED THE MOUTHFUL HEAVINESS. 

He recalled the way his breath fluctuated and his heart fluttered when he tasted failure. The way screams and sobs cut his mouth wide open and carved inside his mind. This was just the speck of the first time he got the sense of deficiency. Foremost he noticed the penchant for flaws and the ravel of correlations, twining around his throat; to make him choke on his words, as they endeavor to scrape, crawl their way out.

Nicholas' labyrinthine chest wheezed and mimicked the heart writhing in agony.

What did he do?

He was supposed to put the world and the universe back in their place yet there he was; destroying one thing after another. Someone should've stopped him already; to prevent further damage. In truth, many tried but never succeeded.

Perhaps it was his destiny to destroy.

There was one thing Nicholas knew for sure. He didn't want to break Stevie too. It worsened with her passing out in his arms due to the erratum exposure. She used most of the energy to close the gates. He shouted her name, panicking, feeling his heart in his throat. It was simmering; just like the blood that trickled down his chin and bubbled with every breath.

"No, no, no, no!" Nick cried out, "You have to wake up, Vie." He begged her to wake up, "I need you here with me..." Nicholas' hand quivered, nerve-racked to pick her up, nearly imagining the blood tinting his hands. He was scared; frightened that she had given up everything.

Erratum was in fury; turning psychedelic, slowly wiping off the colorful surroundings Stevie created. Nicholas' chest was pounding in escalates as she kept slipping away from his grasp, finally noticing the sudden change. The place darkened as a follow-up to the fading colors.

"You're going to be okay, I promise..," He was whispering over and over, checking on her every time he made a step closer to the generated eldritch portal immediately after they were transported into the prismatic dimension.

The glare was stroking Nicholas' face from the distance. Like a sweetener, it tempted him to enter before the dimension shrunk into a void. His steps were getting heavier as he rushed to the glowing exit.

Nick was afraid they wouldn't make it. He was afraid of the dark and the deep waters that began to fence in.

More than anything he was terrified of her dying.

Despite the burning pain, he persisted. He reminded himself that he shouldn't be giving up, not now, not when someone's life was at stake. With the deepest inhale, he proceeded, holding her in his arms, tighter, as a reiteration of the day he saved her on her birthday.

The darkness was nearly touching his ankles when slipped through the portal, slightly nicking the cloak. Nicholas clutched his eyelids, yearning. His arms loosened as he strove to hold Stevie tighter. Her warmth eluded his fingertips and disintegrated.

He did it.

He saved her.

Placing Stevie in her bed and covering her with the butterfly duvet made all the stress and fear go away. Nick held her hand. The strings of darkness twined around her forearm, checking her vitals. The anticipation was suffocating. He was quietly reassuring his conscience till he felt her heart beating. He panted as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. A tide of relief washed over him, slowly sweeping away all of his doubts. At least that was something Nick hoped for. His whole body was trembling.

The worries remained, each one vying for his attention and thriving on the what-ifs.

Nicholas stepped aside with his head hanging down, unwell, just about to ignore the faint tapping on his shoulder. The cloak of levitation flew past him, handing him the butterfly journal Stevie was carrying around. It had probably managed to catch it before the cosmic energy had the chance to dissipate it.

His fingers touched the wrinkled pages and fought the urge to flick through them. Even the cloak was indicating him to look but rather he placed it next to her to depict the trust he had for her. It was hers after all. He had no right to go through her stuff without her consent.

He watched over her till the rays of the rising sun bore upon her body as they glanced through the blinds and created a protective light aura he couldn't touch nor invade. Exactly how it was supposed to be in the first place. She shouldn't have met him at all. Everyone seemed better when he wasn't in their life. When he was; their life was doomed to death. Hopefully, that won't be her case, now that he is leaving.

Nicholas took a very last glimpse at her which was safe and sound. It evoked only sadness—fulfilling Enigma's instance of not verbally saying goodbye to her. Perhaps if he hadn't wanted to say goodbye to her, if he hadn't insisted on it so badly, the pendant would still carry the stone. Yet that didn't change the fact that she deserved a goodbye in a form she adored the most.

She was a good friend, giving him a place to stay and even suggesting her assistance which he regretted accepting. He pinned a letter he wrote to the noticeboard above her desk and hoped that she would read it once she woke up from this horrible nightmare he caused.

Nicholas was so ashamed of himself.

Why did he take so long to self-realize that he couldn't be helped? At the end of the day, he insisted on it—to save the people he loved. So why didn't he come back? Was Stevie the reason he stayed? Was she the reason why he couldn't leave at all or was there something else telling him to protect chaosverse from himself instead?

Nicholas' head was pounding intensely as he lurched down the hall to his room, thoroughly weakened to the marrow. The taste of blood was filling up and staining his mouth, complemented by healing tingling that calmly cured the wound on his forehead, even the chipped lip. His stomach dropped as soon as he walked into the guest room.

He caved in, closing himself away from everyone; from this universe particularly. That was the last thing he wanted to ruin; someone else's home, someone else's life. He was purposelessly ruining everything. Nick grasped his aching chest, once he was sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall.

Retreating the last infinity stone around was the only way to prevent the chaosverse from the deadly universal forces and he failed despite having it under control. Or was it just a lie?

Nicholas was deadened by the internal monologue, turning a blind eye to the mess the cloak was making; rummaging through the Jeon family's property, seemingly searching for something particular.

"Why are you blue?" He directly referenced its not-so-alive blue color, despite vividly remembering the red shade. Or was it always blue matter-of-fact? He figured that something wasn't quite right. The cloak got startled by the sudden remark, intentionally shutting the rattling drawer with the old K-pop CDs.

Did it matter? Absolutely not. Though it will surely take him a while to get used to the blue. Perhaps he wasn't in the right mind to ask proper questions. Nick mumbled, "How did you get here? Is it because–?"

In a trice, the hem pointed at the Eye of Agamotto hanging on his neck, looking forward to an answer on what happened. Right. Nick's heart was being clutched by an unexpected wave of distress. His fingertips brush-stroked the cold capsule that currently held the extinct gem.

"Oh yeah, that." The twinkles of anticipation that previously danced in his eyes were now gone. "It's broken... I- I broke it." He breathed heavily, shutting his eyelids, aware of the incoming lesson. He gulped it away. His thoughts skipped over another, eventually transforming into a tumbling avalanche of frightful sensations. Each breath dulled his senses as if he was drowning in the sea or getting lost in a maze where he struggled to keep pace.

How come? The cloak began to wonder, hovering right in front of him. The blue fabric whispered against the furniture, moving with grace.

Nicholas stood up, froze, and stuttered, misinterpreting the reason why he had answered the cloak at first. But the fact that he was talking to someone, something, silenced all the thoughts that sought to target him for their malevolence.

Though the cloak wasn't talking, Nicholas construed all of its gestures into phrases he desperately strove to hear. He didn't need the comfort Stevie was trying to give him before was consumed by the fathomless energy. All he wanted was to understand why...

Why did the whole universe have to suffer despite him not being a part of it?

Why did his presence seem so deadly?

Cloak was moving ferociously and looked forward to a proper answer, not a desperate plea. Each flutter of the fabric grew louder. The screeching drums combined with motion were threatening, a menace disguised as a prelude to disaster.

"Because I do it every time!" Nicholas pierced the silence. His voice deafened allowing the emotions to finally break free. "And– And when I get scared or concerned, no one hears it!" Every word, every sentence he shouted was infected and careening out of control.

"I don't know what to do...," He declared heavy-heartedly, "no matter how what I do, how hard I try, I can't make it stop..." His exhales and inhales were ponderous. The wrenching burden rose with every thought and sound slipping out of his lips. Nick's eyebrows were pulled closer, letting the epiphany of the insanity dawn upon him.

The boy hushed, gazing at the contrasting nail marks carved to his pale—now flushed hands. Every shred of anger, every thought of pain was transferred there. The cloak came up to him in a gush of breeze, all quiet, recognizing the destructive habit in the form of reddish scratches and cuts scattered all over his hands and wrists.

"It's like I am cursed or something...," Nick's whispering was laced with a sense of melancholy. His voice got heavier, touching the depths of his soul that was weeping. He craved an answer that would deny it but even he wasn't sure about it. His sadness was a palpable presence taking hold of the air in the room.

Cloak's collar drooped. It was suspiciously silent, giving away the idea that he might be right exactly as his conscience was whispering to his ear, and the invisible force that crushed his lungs, narrowed his eyes.

"There's something wrong with me, is it?"

Nicholas was stuck in a surge of breathlessness, leaving him hollow and bereft. The stress and tension only increased, deepening his heartsick as the expectation of reassurance wasn't received. Nicholas felt the marbles of tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. The world quelled on him, completely freezing for a moment.

"What is it?!" Nick choked on the laments. His epitome was a shadowy realm. The infinite halls and corridors of choirs hidden in the heart of hearts were echoing, wailing with him. "What's wrong with me?!" He wondered aloud and persisted to pinch the skin deeper in order to conquer his emotions.

His scrunched eyebrows eased, "Tell me!"

The once curious eyes were shallow ponds of pure sadness.

"Please, just tell me what to do to make it all feel better... I- I can't lose them for good. Not now," He murmured and begged, forbidding the tears from painting trails over his cheeks. "not again...," He was driven by numbness spreading throughout his body.

The cloak happened to levitate, directly staring at Nicholas who was progressively losing his mind in the silence. Nick's head was a battleground of lunacy teetering on the brink of oblivion. Sensing a strain, he had to hold onto the remnants of past and reason—the shattered pieces of his perception.

He pondered and slipped deeper into the looking glass. Perhaps the cosmos was fed up giving him countless chances just like the others did. That would mean that this was the final destination for everyone, "Oh no."

It's time to end things once and for all, Morgan's sonorous voice resounded in his head, bringing him back to the eye of a gleaming Breach in which time and space didn't exist. It wasn't an incoherent babble. She made it all clear...

What if the time wasn't meant to be spared? Nick's mind blurted a query, struck by the unpleasant reality check.

He was the one to fall into the sorceress' scheming in the easiest way possible. She didn't lie when she told him how smart she was; she had everything planned out till the last detail. Morgan Le Fay couldn't destroy the time stone then, she required the time embodiment to come out and take the bait instead of him as the ultimate sacrifice.

As the other infinity stones were destroyed during Thanos' invasion (even in outer space), the chaosverse's time stone was the last piece of protection from the release of destructive forces into hyperspace. That unlocked the possibility of anyone powerful enough to destroy the Multiverse as the time itself was gone.

"All of this had to happen," Nick continued clamorously to explore his own thoughts, rubbing his chest which began to hurt more out of nowhere. By any other means, Enigma couldn't avoid the time flow as it was already pre-written; the past, the future, even the present was sealed, unbreakable.

She lived all of the timelines at once; awaiting for a time storm to set the time flux to end. Those were anchors in time where she had to be; she was forced to be; she was meant to be extinct. She was set to fulfill fate's prophecy of doomsday, meaning the end of the chaosverse was inevitable.

Keep the faith to yourself, Nicholas Strange. I am sincerely grateful for your time and sacrifice, Morgan's voice persisted to reverberate in his head.

A gesture of his hands conjured a map of the Multiverse; a spell he was using to keep track of the fractures. It was the same spell from before he was taught by Sierra Harss. Yes, that Sierra who he met before all of it. She never judged him for it; rather she was trying to remind him that he should be careful despite his own decisions.

That made him think that if he hadn't isolated himself; he wouldn't have met her at all. If he hadn't listened to her, he wouldn't have gone out to look for Morgana. He wouldn't even be bothered about any of this; of what was happening to others.

His fingers spread to reveal a shimmering hologram system of universes placed above his palm. Most of the globes pirouetted unharmed, just the one that was nearest the void was flickering. It was glitching out with a massive rupture breaking it apart from the inside.

The universal forces began to leak in from the hyperspatial cracks and eventually consume the infernal worlds near the Multiversal void in a heat death like an unseen plague. Witnessing the damage, Nick understood the Breach hadn't broken loose before the infamous Dark Hour (Morgan's invasion).

The more he looked at the scintillating map, the more the Breach was depicted as a vertical streak of sheer universal energy expanding throughout the cosmos, marking the energy's hypocentre in the chaosverse.

The breaching line connected the opposing perpendicular universes as a beaming energy-powered signal. Stevie's universe was so far the last one the streak had hit; meaning that the wrinkles in reality; the erratum dimension could've been the Breach piercing through the reality planes.

His hand clasped as if a tidal wave, carrying him along in its current to disintegrate the shock. His heart galloped, as fate kept coming back.

Was it a punishment for trying to protect them from the destruction that awaited in the future?

Nick barely had a clue that he was one of them. The dots connected once he saw the light. The light. How come he could've held the universal energy disguised as a light coming from the Breach if he hadn't done it before?

The fear of things crumbling, being wiped out by his touch and his daydreaming made him maniacal. The awareness of his mistakes dreaded the absolute. He had led the universes to death by creating the breach all by himself. It was ripped right out of his chest, now the cosmos had to bleed because of it.

Morgan was dead on; once he was blinded by the idea of being loved despite his sorrows, he was powerless; a confirmation that there was indeed something wrong with him.

Perhaps it was his constant need, the urge to prove that he was capable. He hopelessly wanted to feel like someone. He wanted to be a real person, not a quintessence stuck in the interworld, not a flaw in a universe that hadn't his existence in mind nor a kid that had to be locked up and protected all the time.

He was just struggling to find a place in a world that had turned its back on him.

Nicholas desired to risk it all; he never stopped looking for the Eye of Agamotto despite it cost him hours of sleep and being off the meds. He felt everything.

Amidst the tumult of emotions; existing, where each thought and breath was tormenting, he slowly came to the conclusion that he wasn't competent at all. The chaos in his head roared when the pendant was found and he could leave, the pressure made him feel guilty.

Did he want to prove it to himself or to others?

His mind controlled him in a form of defense mechanism against the mess he had done; having no ability to face the distorted reality of his wrongdoings caused by others. And why? Because he was raised and meant to be flawless and that piece of information; that reminder of hopelessness was hammered into his head every second of his damned life. He couldn't accept that he and his flaws were in control this whole time.

"I've made it that way," Nick's whisper was barely audible in the rather guilty silence that surrounded him. Nicholas had no other choice; he had to be home before doomsday hits to address the impacts.

Though he always wanted to save chaosverse and wanted to save the people he loved, he understood he couldn't save them; he couldn't save anyone. He never could. He deserved all the blame and anger. He deserved the madness to be called his.

He deserved to bear the consequences.

Everything was his fault.

"Everything's my fault."

Nicholas' body language was an echo of his thoughts. His expression was soul-stirring, indicating that all he had to do right now is to come back to the place where it all began and face his ignorance, "I have to come back."

The cloak didn't have to think twice; it had to stop him. It accidentally pushed him back to the door that abruptly rattled and closed.

His eyes were wide-open and startled. It was even more obvious that it was his father's as it was so overprotective. It obediently followed the rules Nicholas' father listed years ago as it was an unbreakable promise, protecting Strange's only child no matter what. He thought he would recall the very exact moment he found out about his late father in the Sanctum Sanctorum, yet something else was hanging on his mind; the clasp of the closing door.

His heart raced and hyperventilated not knowing why.

Why didn't the cloak want to let him go?

The cloak's collar -which was shaking for the sake of dissent- softened. It automatically floated away as if it realized it made a mistake, as it entered his personal space. No, not yet, the cloak tried to explain, you need rest for a bit, we'll figure it out later...

"No, no, no, no...," Nicholas was suffocating under the weight of his fears; of losing everything all over again, "there's no time for that." The very thought added to the continuous emerging pain in Nicholas' chest. "This may be the last time I can do something right, please don't take it from me...," Homesickness filled up the shallowness of his brain and heart, "I- I don't want to go through this again..."

If chaosverse was expected to perish, he wanted to be there with Adrian, even with his little sister Imogen and the rest of his adoptive family.

As terrible as it sounded, Nicholas wanted to die with them. Still, the cloak persisted to disagree with him as if his decision didn't matter.

"They don't deserve to die, don't you understand?" Tears proceeded to bubble in Nicholas' eyes but never left the corners. His chest was panting from the building-up throb of his heart. He tried to swallow the uneasiness but, still, the stress couldn't be stopped, it remained soaring like a volcano. "And- and I'm worried that is something I can't ever make right," he continued brittly.

The room fell silent as Nicholas' words hung in the air. It appeared as if the cloak was saddened and stunned after the remark. It didn't even have to ask. The cloak understood what he had meant. Nick believed he should be the one; dying down there. He craved to be the one who sacrifices himself in order to save a universe that was collapsing due to the breach as if it was the only; right option.

Perhaps it's meant to be that way, the cloak insinuated, wanting him to stay here behind these walls where he could be safe. The obsession over things you cannot change will break you...

"No."

Nicholas' body was shaking, gaping at the cloak and reimagining all of his nightmares—not being in control of his decisions, only controlled by all of his fears. "I will fix everything I've caused."

The cloak faltered just like the burden Nicholas' carried within his body. He was so vulnerable and raw.

"And when I'm done with that when I'm sure I've made things finally right, then I can break. I will let myself fall apart...," His heartbeat was muzzy as he breathed heavily. "It won't be a breaking born of weakness..." he paused, with woe tainting his bones. "It will be a breaking born of release because it'll be me who reaches the end not others..."

Cloak of levitation silently listened to his words.

"Until then there's no point in breaking me." Nick couldn't stay here anymore; his heart was telling him not to. It was time to change that. The heart was exactly what he should've listened to from the very beginning, not the mind made of a void.

Darkness oscillated around his fingers, with a murmur, "So don't even dare to try."

Nicholas' hands swooshed. He paralyzed the living relic with the dark mass. The deadly force infused the fibers. The cloak was helplessly thrown aside, right into the bookshelf.

The life-devour took shape within Nick's palm. It transmuted into a reminiscent sword, a shard, that was able to cut through reality. Once he cut across the invisible layers, they parted with a dark vortex peeking through—opening one of the Multiversal passageways.

Nick entered the mirror tunnel just in a blink of an eye. It was a spiraling pathway to the very core of the Multiverse. Nicholas breathed in the dissipating inter-versal dust as the tunnels overlapped. They pulsed in vibrant deliriums; mandalas.

He was mesmerized by the sudden violet hues. For a second, the Multiverse was a vast amethyst, a kaleidoscope of a purple whirlpool. Each color merged and separated. They writhed with a hypnotic rhythm, beckoning him down.

Further, he sank the infinite rabbit hole and was approaching the void, the surrounding tints did fade. Indicating that his home was within his reach at last.

Finally.

The gravitating essence of substantiality crumpled. He felt the weight of existence bearing down on him. The Multiverse was made of shards of glass. Each edge sliced through him with searing pain. He felt his mind being warped and broken as his sanity was torn apart and coalescing together at once.

The fabric of reality was violent and bent around his body, pulling him closer to his final destination; to the edge of the Multiverse. In there the destructive forces hassled and hatched, born as omnivorous parasites ready to crush his bones. They were alive, surging into a blockade to forbid Nicholas from trespassing to the place that was soon about to be annihilated.

No.

The destructive forces had been awakened to kill him.

Long time no see!! Hope you didn't forget about this book after six (yes six) months. In fact, I was planning to release the chapter back then but found myself in a pit of endless plot holes. I had to sit and rethink all of my ideas. So here's the better (hopefully) and more painful version of the eleventh chapter of DoS. I'm sincerely sorry, it had to be done this way. At least you'll be emotionally prepared for the next 😂