Tw//self harm, suicidal thoughts, underage drinking,

It had been a few hours since Ochako was discharged from the hospital. She had to get stitches in several places on her arms and legs due to her harmful habits and stay for a few days to recover. She was feeling better physically but was more than in pain mentally. Her head hurt and the pain was unbearable.

She had been suffering every day and nothing seemed to help her get better. She was sure she was going to be stuck being miserable forever. She had been missing a lot of school and it was affecting her grades.

She had spent so much time crying and she was tired of it. She sniffed back some tears as she grabbed her wallet and phone off her desk. She grabbed her old pair of sneakers from her closet as she didn't want to go get her usual shoes by the front door and risk waking up her parents.

She was going to sneak out for a bit. Her parents threw away all her razor blades and she badly needed to cut. She couldn't handle her pain alone and didn't want to be a burden on anyone's life anymore.

She opened her window and hopped out, thankful for the fact her room was on the first floor.

It was a cold winter night, but she couldn't be bothered to dress warmly. She had thrown on Izuku's old dark green hoodie he let her have and forgot to take back when they split ways. It was his favorite and she cherished it, even if it didn't smell like him anymore. She had also put on a random pair of pajama pants. She could care less about her appearance. It was 2 am and she didn't care what happened to her. She wanted to die anyway.

Her first stop was to go to the 24-hour convenience store to get a few bottles of sake, and a few bowls of instant ramen to satisfy the hunger in her stomach since she hasn't eaten all day and some for later–that was if she managed not to kill herself and get home safely. She was underage but had made a fake id a few years back for whenever she had a craving for alcohol.

It wasn't a good habit she had, but it wasn't as harmful as cutting her skin since she wasn't addicted to it. She started drinking around the time she first started cutting in middle school. She had read so many things about alcohol and being drunk making people feel relaxed and like their problems disappeared and she decided to try it.

She stole one of her dad's beers on a night when both her parents were working late and took it to her room. She was a lightweight and for the longest, it only took her one bottle to get drunk, by now it took about four. And being drunk did help, she felt her thoughts slow and her body felt tingly.

She usually would end up falling asleep after a while, but she for once felt calm.

After purchasing her items and making her ramen, she left the store to go find a bench near the river her house was by. Despite it being so dark out, the lights of the city across the river and bridge reflected onto the water and it made her feel calm. She popped open her bottle of sake after struggling with the cap for a bit and took a big sip. The taste made her body feel tingly and her brain shut up.

She mixes in the sauces and seasoning to her unnecessarily spicy ramen. She ate spicy food because she liked the way it made her mouth and lips hurt, and right now she needed a bit of pain to distract her.

She hadn't had ramen in a while. Her meals for the last three months consisted of whatever her parents forced her to eat to keep her alive. And she had banned herself from ramen. To keep out thoughts of Izuku.

On their last date they went out to a bookstore and on a walk, and for lunch, she had the same ramen she was eating now. But today was most likely going to be her last day alive so she wanted to do whatever she wanted. Regardless of if she thought of Izuku or not.

She hadn't noticed the tears that started running their way down her cheeks and dripping onto her sweater as she took a swig of her drink. She tried so hard to forget about Izuku and the pain he caused her because he was being so selfish. She tried to be strong. But at the end of the day, she knew that the only reason she was feeling this bad was because of him.

He made her feel better. He had a big impact on her healing process and helped her stop herself from relapsing and helping with her anxiety. And now that he was gone, she fell back. Worse than she had ever been before. And she knew it was her fault.

Why would he want to date or even be around such a crazy girl like her? She questioned what she did to deserve this. She just wanted his love and to feel safe. She wasn't overprotective and never got jealous of other girls. She always tried to put him first, but he wouldn't let her. And yet he still thought that he wasn't being a good boyfriend or just a friend in general and assumed she would be better off without him.

That made her so pissed. She fucking hated him for that.

But yet, she still yearned for him. Every day she stared at her phone, imagining it would light up with Izuku's contact name on the screen. She imagines she'd answer it with him apologizing for hurting her and asking if they could be together again. It was so fucking dumb but it's what she wanted so fucking bad.

She slurped up the last of her noodles and got up to throw her bowl and disposable chopsticks away, ignoring the sobs and hiccups leaving her mouth.

She was desperately trying to hold on, but it was hard. Izuku was her reason for living. He accepted her for who she was and was one of the people there to always be with her in her darkest times. And yet, he threw everything away like it meant nothing to him. She felt so selfish. She wished she could go back in time and push back her pain and anxieties to help Izuku. To check on him even if he seemed okay.

She was sure the reason he broke up with her was that he was tired of not feeling loved back, the same way he loves her. Because he had to ignore his own mental problems to not stress her out more and make her worry about him when she should have been worrying about herself.

God, she was a horrible girlfriend. She shouldn't be mad at Izuku. She wanted to be mad at herself. She was the problem. Not him. She realized and it was hitting her as if she had gotten hit by a truck.

She popped open another bottle of sake and started chugging it down. She wanted to get drunk so her brain would shut up and she would at least feel calm for a few hours. It was worth the hangover and being laid out on the bathroom floor for several hours the next day.

She put the half-empty bottle down and stared at the bridge that stretched across the river. The entrance to the walking path that went over the bridge wasn't so far away.

Would it help her and everyone else close to her if she jumped? She would have hung herself in her room and wouldn't have snuck out if her damn parents didn't babyproof the house. She searched the whole house for rope for anything to hang herself with and found nothing. Any glass she could break or anything sharp she could use to hurt herself was gone when she came back from the hospital.

Would that solve her problems? She was taught that her pain was only temporary, but death was forever. Izuku was the one who told her that. She found it dumb. It's not like everyone else was going to live forever, they could just see her in their afterlife whenever they died. Why did it matter whether she killed herself or not? She is going to die one day, so why not speed up the process?

Would Izuku be sad?

She sniffed and furrowed her eyebrows. She was tired of thinking about him, but she wanted to know if he was thinking of her too. If he regretted his actions.

Her tears came back as she thought of how much she missed him. She missed his dumb curly hair, his dumb freckled covered cheeks, his dumb smile, his dumb laugh, the way he would dumbly ruffle her hair. She wanted it back. She missed it. The soft moments between them, even the intimate moments between them that would happen late at night while no one was up. She missed the soft kisses on her neck that turned into harsh bites. She missed the way he handled her so roughly, but also as if she was made of glass.

She missed him. All of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly of him. She wanted him. Even if he didn't want her.

That was her problem. She didn't want to die, she just wanted her boyfriend back. Her friend back. The one who was a nerd, the one who was so shy and awkward and walked into class on their first day of school with no friends and lifelong beef with one of his classmates. She wanted that boy back.

She couldn't take it, she was sure that if she didn't hear Izuku's voice now–whether it be his voicemail or his actual voice–she was going to kill herself. She took a big swig of her drink and fished her phone out of her pocket, desperately searching for Izukus contact.

If she was sure of one thing, it was that he still had her number saved.

She sighed and hunched forward, her teeth anxiously biting her thumbnail and the skin around it. Another habit she had yet to break.

Her stomach filled with butterflies that quickly turned to pain as she waited for the ringing to stop. She didn't care if she was waking him up, she wanted to hear him.

Her heart pounded so hard in her chest, she was sure it would eventually give out and stop, or she would have a heart attack.

"..Hey.."

Ochakos breathing stopped and she felt the need to throw up. She swallowed down whatever was making its way back up and bit her lip hard to suppress her oncoming tears.

"H-Hi.." She stutters out, her voice hoarse and cracking at the end.

It's uncomfortably silent for a moment, then she breaks down again. Sobbing louder and harder than she has the entire night. It had been three long and tiring months since she last heard his voice so close to her.

"A-Are you okay..?!" Izuku questions on the other end of the line. It was in that same caring tone he always used with her when she was vulnerable and helpless. It only makes her sobs increase in volume and her tears unstoppable, snot running down her lips, dripping onto her pants and the sidewalk.

"No! Fuck No. I'm not fucking okay!" Ochako yells, running a hand through her hair, struggling to talk through her tears.

She couldn't control herself and she just wanted to cry. If she was like this just talking to him, she wanted to know what she would do when she saw him. If she would see him. She takes another aggressive sip of her alcohol and continues crying.

"I miss you so fucking much. I feel like I'm going insane." Ochako hiccups. Her headache is coming back and she feels dizzy. She couldn't tell what was because of the alcohol and what was because she physically wasn't healthy.

She felt like she was being overdramatic, but then she reminded herself it had been three whole months–not weeks, months–since she last talked, touched, or even made eye contact with Izuku. The weather had changed seasons and they took their finals and went on winter break and they still didn't acknowledge each other. And she hasn't gotten over him in the slightest since.

She hears Izuku suck in a breath and sigh.

"I miss you too. A lot. A fucking lot."

Those were the words to make Ochakos stomach give out and she hunched over further, releasing her midnight dinner and drink onto the sidewalk. She coughs and heaves as it leaves nothing left for her to empty.

She didn't want him to say that. She wanted him to laugh at her suffering and hang up.

"Did you just throw up?!" Izuku asks, seriously concerned for her.

Ochako lets out a sob and hiccups. "N-No...I didn't..I..I..No." She stutters. She didn't know what she was saying and her brain hurt.

It's silent, neither of them knowing what to say. Ochako once again manages to break the thick silence.

"Can I come over? Please...I can't do this.." She cries. She didn't care that it was almost 3 am or if his mom was home. She needed him before she killed herself.

It's silent again and Ochako is ready to start hysterically sobbing again, but Izuku cuts her off.

"Yeah. My mom isn't home." He says. If she was, it would be awkward trying to explain why his ex-girlfriend was in his room at three in the morning, crying her eyes out.

Ochako laughs nervously and smiles. "T-Thank you. So much." She says. She was shaking and all she could think about was him cradling her in his arms like he always used to do.

"No problem." She hears Izuku say. She could practically see the small smile on his lips. She quickly hangs up, feeling like she might be sick again.

She takes a few breaths and uses the napkins in her plastic bag to wipe her tears. Once her fatigue passes, she stands up, stuffing her phone in her pocket, and takes her bag full of food in her hands.

Izuku didn't live too far away from where she was. They did visit that spot a few times on their late-night outings. She started her short walk to Izuku's apartment with a lingering headache and a new bottle of sake.

...

Ochako takes the last sip of her drink and tosses the empty bottle into her bag. She looks up at the familiar door plate that had read '511-Midoriya'

She felt sick again but forced the feeling down. This is what she wanted. To see Izuku. And she didn't give two damns if he didn't want to see her.

She knocks on his door a few times and stands back, waiting for an answer. After a few long seconds, the door opens showing a shy but tired-looking Izuku. His hair was still messy and a little longer than before. He was still the same height and the bags underneath his eyes became dark. He was wearing an outfit she knew all too well. his teal t-shirt–the one she had worn so many times–and grey sweatpants.

Ochako can't tell if she wants to squish him into a hug or throw up on his socks. She chooses neither and looks down.

"Hey.." she says gently. She doesn't see the soft smile Izukus gives her, focusing on her dirty-looking black converses.

"Hey. Come in. It's freezing out there." He says, stepping out of the way. Ochako steps in and slips off her shoes next to his. He took note of how cute she looked in his hoodie and the way it was oversized on her.

Izuku wasn't planning on sleeping anytime soon before Ochako called. He was in the middle of binge-watching a series to get his mind to forget about her, and almost like magic, his phone rings with no other than Ochako calling him.

He wasn't going to answer it at first, but he couldn't help himself. He really truly missed her and believed he fucked up so badly. He didn't want to answer because he felt as if he didn't deserve to talk to her. But his gut told him to pick up the phone, so he did.

And their conversation was not what he was expecting, but also didn't go as badly as what he was thinking in his head.

He couldn't help but force tears back when he heard Ochako sobbing in so much pain. It made him think about if it was because of something else, or because of him. He figured he was the problem when she told him she missed him so much.

He had never heard so much hurt, pain, and disappointment–betrayal even–in her voice. So when she asked to come over, he had to say yes. He needed to see her and talk to her. He felt like he hadn't explained himself to her well that day and now was his chance. His chance to fix things between them and let Ochako be fully aware of how he feels for once.

"You bought snacks?" He questions, watching her set down the white plastic bag on the dining room table.

"Mn. Just pocky, ramen, and some sake." She says, her voice more hoarse than it had been when he last talked to her.

"Sake?" He questions. "Like alcohol?" He says, raising an eyebrow. Ochako nods, stuffing her hands in her pockets. "I have a fake id. Don't tell anyone." She says, looking up at him. She knew he would ask how she got it, so she decided to expose herself.

He was never aware of this and it sounded like it had been going on longer than before they even started dating.

"How many bottles did you have tonight?" He questions, really concerned for her. Ochako scowls and rolls her eyes. She hated that he suddenly cared for her now.

"Three. I threw the first two up though." She says, admitting that she lied about not throwing up while they were on the phone. "I'm not drunk, don't worry." She says. That seems to ease his mind.

Izuku lets out a sigh of relief as silence falls between them again.

"Can we go to your room?" Ochako asks, looking down at her pink socks. Izuku nods and turns to lead her down the hallway that leads to the bathroom and his and his mom's rooms.

Izuku's mom worked as a nurse at the nearby hospital and worked a night shift, so it was just Izuku by himself. They usually spent nights like this together in his room either simply having fun and laughing their heads off or having a make-out session that would soon lead to something more, leaving them sweating and panting messes underneath Izuku's blankets.

The nostalgia hit Ochako hard as she sat down on his desk chair and she fought back the need to cry. Izuku took his place on his bed, feeling the same surge of memories come back.

Ochako lets out a sigh. She should at least clear up why she was there in the first place.

But she suddenly felt bad. For acting like an idiot the last few months and like she couldn't function on her own. Just being in his presence made her feel whole again.

"I know you don't want me here or want to hear about me and what I have to say." Ochako starts. She looks up and sees Izuku looking down at his feet. "That's not true." He mumbles. "I always want to know how you're doing." He says, quieter than before.

Ochako only furrowed her eyebrows and stared at him. If she had taken a bottle of sake with her, she would have taken a sip of it. She ignores his bullshit statement and continues with what she was going to say before.

"I called you because...an hour ago I snuck out and I was contemplating on killing myself...but then I thought of you and I couldn't bring myself to do it." She says, her voice trembling.

"Sorry for making it about me." She chuckles sadly. "I...just want to know if you still love me as much as I love you. Because I love you Izuku. So fucking much." She says, her breath hitching.

Izuku lets a few tears slip out his eyes and run down his cheeks before he sniffs and wipes them away with his hand. She knew how to make him feel like shit. He wouldn't have broken up with her if she knew she needed him that bad, she had never really told him how much he meant to her.

"I...love you so goddamn much, I can't even put it into words." He says, not bothering to wipe his stray tears.

Seeing him cry only made Ochako's eyes water. Maybe she wasn't done crying yet.

"So why? Why did you break up with me, if you love me so goddamn much?" Ochako asks, looking at him, her teary brown eyes searching for his green ones. She was so hurt. And Izuku could tell, it only made him sob more. He could hear the pain in her voice–more clearly than over the phone. He had no idea he was making her feel like this.

He had no idea she was so dependent on him.

"I-I...felt as if...I was putting so much thought into you and if you were okay. And I assumed that you wouldn't care as much if I was doing badly and I didn't want to burden you and your anxiety already with my problems. It always seemed you never cared."

Ochakos heart physically hurts with each breath she takes and she cries more. God. She felt fucking terrible. It hurt to know that Izuku was bottling up his feelings from her. It only added the fuel to her fire that she needed to finally crack and kill herself.

"But I tried. I tried. To understand you. To know how you were doing under that dumb smile you showed everyone. And you just pushed me aside. You said you were fine. And I believed you. I didn't care because you weren't telling me shit!" Ochako sobs, her face covered with her hands.

Izuku looks down. He knew that she tried to see how he was doing and he turned her away. He didn't blame her for anything, it was just thoughts that he had.

"I-I know. It's not your fault. I'm not blaming you, it's just how I've been feeling." Izuku says.

She didn't understand. Why didn't he just go to someone else instead of taking it out on her? If he didn't feel comfortable talking to her, why not tell someone else? She knew he suffered from a rough childhood, worse than her, but he always seemed to be fine and assured her he was fine.

"B-But...But why take it out on me? Why break up with me because of the thoughts in your head? You told me all the fucking time that our thoughts aren't us and we shouldn't sit down and drown in them." She sobs, lifting her head to look at him in his eyes.

She can see the pain and she hopes he knows how she's feeling. Izuku wants to look away. He can't stand looking at her knowing he failed her and it made him embarrassed. But he can't, he feels her pain and he knows he deserves to see it.

"I fucking know, Ochako. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't think. I thought it was what was best, and trust me, I fucking regret it." He says, his face pained.

Ochako only shakes her head, her tears only growing. "But I needed you. I need you, Izuku. And you need me too." Ochako says, quietly.

That makes Izuku break and he stuffs his head in his hands, breaking down into loud sobs. Ochako had never seen him cry like that. It was painful to see.

She got up wiping her tears away and sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close, and letting him cry on her shoulder. He hugged her tightly as if she would disappear if he let go.

She hoped that this was the conversation that would fix things between them and they would learn each other's true emotions. She wanted to start things fresh, and step one was letting Izuku know it was okay for him to cry and be vulnerable with her.

With him, she was strong and could handle him having down days. She wanted to be there for him, the same way he was here for her.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm here." Ochako says gently, rubbing his back and kissing his cheek.

Izuku's cries soften, but they don't stop. He doesn't take his head off her shoulder. He didn't want her to see him like this. He hugs her tight, his hands gripping her (his) sweater. He hadn't been comforted or cried in someone's arms in so long, he was scared that if he let go of Ochako, she would disappear.

He never got to cry on someone's shoulder (other than Ochakos). He never felt comfortable and didn't want to burden anyone with his feelings. But for some reason, just being in Ochakos presence made him feel vulnerable and he felt safe. He wasn't afraid to cry and tell her how he felt because he knew she would never judge him or make him feel bad.

"I-I'm sorry..." He hiccups out in between sobs. He felt obnoxious for crying so much and getting Ochako's hoodie dirty. Ochako smiles and shakes her head.

"Don't be. You're allowed to cry. It's okay to cry because I'll be here for you." Ochako says gently, running her fingers through his curls. Izuku only hugs her tighter. Those were the words he's always wanted to hear. And they felt genuine.

After what seemed like an hour, Izuku calmed down. Ochako didn't mind, sitting in silence and listening to him cry. He was with her and she was touching him and that's all she needed.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" Ochako asks gently, rubbing his back. Izuku sniffs and lets go of the hug, looking at her in her eyes.

He was never used to the feeling of looking into her soft eyes. Although grey eye bags sat under her eyes, the warm brown shimmer of her irises caught his attention. He smiles gently and nods.

"Can you be my girlfriend again?"

Ochakos eyes widen and her heart pounds at his question. She didn't really expect to get back together with Izuku. Her main thoughts were that she just wanted to see him, not talk to him or even date him again. She wanted to be in his presence.

A warm fuzzy feeling fills her body and she nods frantically. "Of course, I'll be your girlfriend again!" She sobs. She had been waiting for him to say those words forever and she couldn't believe it was real. She was convinced she would slowly die of heartbreak, and now it felt like her heart was being repaired.

Izuku smiles at her excitement and wipes her tears. He chuckles at the feeling of her warm cheeks against his palm. "You don't need to cry..." He mumbles, his heart pounding at how cute she was.

Ochako leans her head in the direction of his touch, nuzzling her cheek into his hand more. "But I love you so much..." She says gently, looking up at him. Izuku only blushes more at her cute face.

It's silent for a moment, the both of them looking at each other with pure admiration. Izuku makes the first move by leaning in, their faces being inches apart from each other. They could feel the soft feeling of each other's breath hitting their face. "Can I...kiss you?" Izuku whispers.

Ochako nods, fluttering her eyes closed. Izuku leans in, kissing her softly. The kiss doesn't last long and he lets go quickly, but Ochako pulls him back in by his shirt for a deeper and longer kiss making him groan.

He missed the feeling of kissing Ochako so much and he didn't realize how addicted he was to it. Ochako lets out a hum as Izuku pushes her down onto his bed gently, her head hitting his pillows.

Ochako looks up at him with soft eyes and breathes heavily. Her lips were parted and he takes that as an invitation to kiss her again, ever deeper. Ochakos hands tug at his shirt and she moans as his tongue slips past her teeth.

Izuku's lips curl into a smile against hers at her cute sound. Another thing that he had missed about her. She was too cute.

They spend what feels like hours making out. One long kiss wasn't enough to satisfy their hunger. As soon as one of them would let go, the other would capture their lips again, restarting their process of sloppily making out.

Saliva runs down ochakos cheek as she lets out small moans and groans into Izuku's mouth as he takes control, sloppily sucking her tongue. Izuku soon starts kissing his way down her cheeks, and then her chin before reaching her neck.

Ochakos sounds are clearer and louder as he gently kisses and sucks on her neck, leaving a few red spots that slowly turn purple and are sure to stay for a while. Ochako runs her fingers through his hair, and Izuku leaves gentle kisses on every inch of her face.

His soft butterfly kisses after he leaves hickeys on her neck were her favorite. She knew he did it to distract her from getting up and freaking out over how many hickeys she had to try to hide, but she could care less. It made her stomach bubble with joy and her heart flutter.

"I love you Ochako." Izuku pants out, laying down next to her. Ochako rolls onto her side so she could look at him. "I love you more, Izuku." Ochako mumbles gently, giving him a soft smile. Izuku blushes at her cute face and stuffs his head into her chest, pulling her close.

Ochako hums, content, and runs her fingers through his hair. She never got tired of doing it. It was therapeutic for her and she loved how soft his hair was.

For the first time in months, she felt calm. Her heart stopped racing and she wasn't jittery or overthinking everything. She felt as if her mind was able to just shut up. All her thoughts were silent.

As for Izuku, just being able to hold Ochako was enough for him to stop doubting himself. Tonight put into perspective how dependent Ochako was on him. And he felt like shit for what he put her through, but that was a thing of the past. He was ready to move on and start over again.

Her hand that was once playing with his curls had stopped and Izuku looked up to see Ochako fast asleep. She looked so peaceful. He knew she hadn't had a good night of sleep in ages. He sits up and gets up to turn off the light in his room. It was too bright to fall asleep.

Ochako instantly hugs him again when he lays back down. She hugs him tight, not wanting him to get up for the rest of the night. Izuku smiles and chuckles at her. He brushes her long bangs–that had overgrown down past her eyebrows due to not having cut her hair in a while–off her face and kisses her on her forehead.

Being with her never failed to make him feel like he was crushing on her all over again. Because he was. He had Ochako, and she was his and his only, but he still felt like a little kid with a crush all the time. He loved everything about her. He was sure his existence on earth was to be with her and protect her and he was going to make sure he did that this time. And he was going to make sure he didn't refuse Ochakos attempts at helping him when he needed it.

Izuku is slowly lulled to sleep by the sound of Ochakos beating heart. It was so calming and he too, for once, felt at peace. 

A/N: did anything in this chapter make sense? sometimes I feel like I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words. and I have to remember that the people reading don't have the same brain as me so some things might not make the most sense... I overthink a lot.