Hello everyone

I wanted to talk about something I've been doing quite often as of late. You may mind what I'll tell you weird, that is if you don't already think I'm weird.

I'm sure those with at least depression will relate with wanting to not feel anything; for me that's real.

I've probably mentioned before that I was bullied a lot in school; even to the point that I was suicidal and harming myself. Just to make this clear I never cut myself. I actually hate the sihht of my own blood and I kinda freak out when i do.

That poont or should i say year was what finally flicked the switch. From that point on i was different. I didn't feel anything; i was empty. At least the bullying stop in a sense cause i stopped reacting; i had no emotion.

Even to this day I can still hit a point where i go into autopilot or what i call as Regan rose.

But that's not the weird thong i wanted to tell you. The weird part is that i can control this void inside of me simply by putting two fingers to the center of my chest, kinda resembling a gun, then my body goes slack like a robot shutting down.

When i straighten I'm no longer me. Sometimes I'm not always in control when it happens. I could wake up one morning as empty, but that only happens if i go to bed when I'm at a low point which comes to my reason for today entry.

I woke up like that today. I put on  a smile I'm so good at doing so that my family doesn't know. At least like i don't feel sad, angry or even pain. I feel nothing.

Maybe I'm a yandere girl just waiting for a special someone to come into my life and fix me, but i know that won't happen since I've given up on love. It's clear there's no one out there since my last two relationships ended under six months and I've been single for nearly two years now.

I've given up.

That is all for today
Till next time ~