H.O.P.E

Hold On. Pain Ends

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Work was uneventful, I had to miss out of my lunch break because Erica hooked up with the bus boy. I walked into the girls bathroom, Erica's breathy moans echoing, mixed with Joes grunts ordering her to "take it all." and to "swallow his load."

She didn't come back so I was stuck doing a fourteen hour shift ending at 10pm. I hope the day doesn't drag. And I really hope I wasn't stuck having to clean after their mess in the bathroom.

Time trailed. All day long I served, the customers entered and exiting, and it was the same thing. "Hi, how are you today?" Big smile Angelique. Although it doesn't meet my eyes, the next question of, "What would you like to order?" doesn't give anybody time to register the fakness of it all.

I wish and hoped I was asked how I was, even once. Everybody is entrapped in their own world they do not see a dying girl. Three words. That's all. "Are. You. Ok?" More emphasis is put on the other three words of "I love you" that nothing else seems to matter. What's the use of telling somebody you love them if your actions speak otherwise, your actions should speak for themselves. But for me I am never asked because I hide the turmoil, and so everybody presumes I'm okay. Nobody looks into my eyes are realises the spark is gone, they are dull brown that the light had been eradicated in them.

I was never one for animated movies, they were all joyous, and had happy endings, just like a day at a carnival. There was no realism, but then again the innocent mind of a child doesn't understand real life. Their realism was thinking there was a Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and heck even a Prince Charming coming to bring them joy and save them.

I was never protected in a safe bubble, and allowed to consider somebody would save me. I was oblivious to the horror which existed outside.

My horror was inside a bedroom.

My horror began at five.

I really wished they had Frozen when I was younger. I would have had the best of both worlds, the happy ending, but truth. Instead now I had to adhere to Elsa's words...

Don't let them in, don't let them see.

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.

Well, now they know, Elsa sang. Except for me nobody did. I was left to carry this dirty secret on my own.

I carried the order to the kitchen where Daniel was plating up a kids plate of nuggets and chips to accompany their parents meals. I was envious of the way the mother stuck her thumb in her mouth and wiped away the tomato sauce from her daughter's cheek, or the way the father ruffled his sons hair, and enclosed him in a hug. It was like witnessing a family of lions the way they protected their young or showed affection.

I had a minute to spare and Daniel was now plating up the parents plates. He turns around, his head at an angle and says. "I wanted to say something earlier, but something's different with you today."

"Different how?"

Was my lack if sleep so severe I looked almost unrecognisable? I ran my hands through my hair.

"It's not your hair. Nothing physical, just a vibe. I can't put my finger on it."

I juggled the plates on my arm and held it with my hand.

Was the dirty act in the back seat of the car apparent? And the fact it was lost forever. I mean when a woman is pregnant she is said to have a glow about her, perhaps the baby inside emitting a beacon of light, or some shit like that. Could me losing (or giving away) my virginity display my blackened soul?

I didn't have time to mull over it. A man was hidden in the corner booth, and the only reason I noticed him was he stood out.

"Hi, how are you today?" I told the man in a chirpy voice.

"Where's Erica?" The man all but growled.

Having a cock thrust down her throat.

I didn't care who she did, and if she wanted to suck cock I'm not going to judge her, but if it impacts me that's when my feelings on the matter shift.

"She went home sick. Can I help you with anything?"

The man was in this late twenties, with wavy dirty blond hair covered with a basketball cap, a five day growth, and blue eyes hollow and lifeless. If he wasn't dressed in expensive clothing he could pass as a homeless person.

He clenched his jaw and muttered. "You'll have to do. Bring me a Corona, and keep them coming."

I turned to leave and the man said, "I want somebody else to serve me next time."

It was 2pm and this man was on his way to getting drunk. I didn't need to see this. It was bad enough at home. But I was at work and had no choice, although I had the manager assigned me another section.

At 10pm my shift had ended. It was pitch dark and buses came every hour. I stayed inside until it near time and hoped it could be here soon. I didn't want to risk the black Mercedes seeing me. Just in case. I spent my time fixated on a figure in the park across the road who hadn't moved. Under the street light the man came into view, his dirty blond hair a giveaway to who he was. He remained immobilised, as if waiting. But for what?

Dear Diary,
                       Hello again, you are getting a double entry today. I know I already purged this morning, but I did another stupid today and this is my reason. But I know you won't mind, you're the only one who listens. This morning I accepted a lift from a stranger to work. Yes my care factor for my well being has dropped again. Please don't ask me why I did it because frankly I don't have the answer. For all I knew he could have been an axe murderer, or rapist. But he was neither. He was a snake though. I was stupid to think a good deed would go unrewarded. Every second his hands were on me, was every single my stomach churned and my body twitched involuntary. It was for a few minutes, but when you break it down that's 180 seconds. 180 times my body twitched.

I ran inside to the bathroom and saturated her face and neck, and shivered as I remembered this words.

"It's okay my pretty girl, next time we will have more time to have fun."

Pretty girl. The monster used to call me that. And his sweet, little kitty.

He knows where I work!

What the hell have I done?

Stupidity must be genetic in this family. What do you expect I had to drop out of high school at fifteen to look after my alcoholic mother? Or I could blame the lack of sleep. Either way now I'll be on the look out for a sleek black Mercedes, and hide like a coward I am.

A man came in and asked for Erica. I presume that's her regular as when he saw I served him he turned his face into disgust. That's good though. Disgust retracts attention, whilst pretty attracts. I want to constantly disgust, to mirror my rotted soul, but my mother won't allow it.

As soon as I came home my mother came stumbling to me, screaming "Where were you?" and "Where's my dinner?"

I explained that I had to work back. And the kitchen has already closed so I couldn't take any food home, but her alcohol infused brain couldn't soak up any information. She was about to slap me when I pacified her and told her I'd give her more of my pay. There was never any food at home, I usually ate at work or made noodles in a cup. The extra money for her would only go to more alcohol.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day and I don't do anything idiotic. Or maybe I should try and push my luck again, isn't it best to do things in three? Or was that bad things come in threes? I don't know. It's late, and I'm too tired to fully comprehend what I'm saying.

After all should I be so lucky to think by hoping, the pain will ever end?

I won't do many authors notes as I'll let the story speak for itself. You are probably thinking Angelique is deliberately seeking trouble, but truth is she is lost, and sometimes being lost has you doing things when you aren't in the right frame of mind.

I hope you stay with her on her journey.

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❤️ Jacklyn