Dear Diary,

Tonight I lost my virginity. I could say it was everything I thought it would be, but that's the furthest from the truth. It was painful, cramped, and lasted a few minutes. I lay in the back in the back of a black skyline, with him on top of me outside of a pool hall in which he was taking us for a first date. Oh did I forget to mention I hardly know him? He was a virtual stranger. There was no foreplay and really I didn't think it'll get that far. I had only kissed one other guy. When he entered me I thought I would die, it hurt like hell, as I was being ripped apart. I bit my bottom lip, shut my eyes, and tried to suppress my tears, but they slipped out anyway. It was dark so I doubt he knew anything was wrong, and if he did, well he didn't care. I met him at the annual Moomba carnival on a Monday, and now it's Saturday. I guess that's what happens when you are constantly ridiculed for being a virgin at 19. I wanted to fit in, to join the non V club, so I just threw it away. No words were spoken afterwards, I guess I don't know the protocol for after sex, I was never told anything. So I pulled my pants up and said, "By the way I was a virgin."

Now I just feel like a dirty whore, and I cant take it back.

I closed the pages of my red journal, the colour of blood, passion, and anger trying to suppress a tear. This diary symbolised the events of tonight. Well not so much passion. I had just arrived home after grabbing the train home. Alexander dropped me off at the station like a discarded piece of pie he had enough off. I turned the tap open, stripped off my clothes and jumped into the scalding hot shower. I wiped the blood between my thighs and scrubbed my body until it was red raw, but I still felt dirty. Tomorrow morning I'll scrub to get rid of the dirt embedded within my skin.

My mother was snoring loudly in the next room, she didn't care when I came and went, just as long as I paid rent and didn't embarrass her. I stuck to both rules. I work at a low paying job at our local diner. For work I made sure I was always impeccably dressed with flawless make up, and a pretty smile. This was the front she wanted me to show everybody, and so that's the one I gave. Even though within I was anything but. I'd rather be dressed in tracksuits and a t-shirt and read, that was the real me. "No wonder no boys look at you" she spat out at the beginning of the week.

Crowds always scared me. People always scared me. That's why I'd rather keep to myself, with a book in the palm of my hands, to escape reality, even for a little while. I guess in that retrospect I'm a nerd, I went to work, ate with my sole friend Erica on our lunch breaks, and stayed out of trouble. I was invisible, to everybody, including my family. The problem was I didn't stand out, I didn't even blend in like a chameleon, I hid in the shadows. I don't have any social skills but I'm a great observer.

It took me an hour to get ready. After having a shower and exfoliating with strawberry body wash, I dressed up in short shorts, singlet, with a pair of pink wedges I lent of my sister. I straightened my long brown hair and applied a small amount of makeup which consisted of mascara and lipgloss. And then I was prepared to join her at that ill fated carnival. I was out of my league, this was the first time going out with the main aim to impress. I copied the actions of my sister, the way she dressed, the way she walked, and how she composed herself. Walking through the grounds of the park, alongside the river, the burning glare of males bore into me. Suddenly I was noticed, boys and men turned their heads to look at me, they leered and not subtlety either, and I had to admit I was flattered, I was gaining attention.

I was on a park bench taking a rest when a guy came and sat next to me. My sister was in front of me, kissing a boy had she had just met, while I surveyed the crowds. All around me the carnival was in full swing; bright lights and music played from the rides, as young people and children laughed around me.

"Hi." He said leaning in. "What's your name?"

"Angelique." I said giving him a smile. I twisted my fingers as I placed them in my lap. I was nervous, and I hated it. I was a frigid nineteen year old virgin.

"Such a pretty name. I'm Alexander."

I had to lean in close for him to hear me. "Nice to meet you."

"Are you having fun?" He said and he sidled up close. Are thighs are mere inches apart.

I nodded.

"Do you come every year?"

"Oh yes, every year." I lied.

Truth was I avoided Moomba at all cost. Not only was it know for a fun time for families, but the perfect place for teenagers to get drunk and hook up. Kind of like a free, underage outdoor nightclub.

The fireworks started, loud crackles boomed throw the air, with the explosion of multiple colours. I was always fascinated by fireworks, I loved watching in awe the different variations and styles in which the fireworks lit up the sky. It was like it was catering for everybody.

I was engrossed watching the sky I didn't see Alexander's hand over mine. Although butterflies stirred within my stomach, his face hardly reached my face, it was looking anywhere but there.

"Do you want to meet up again?"

I was about to say no but Katherine answered for me. "Of course she would."

"Great." He smiled.

We exchanged numbers and headed home. As I scrubbed off the make up, brushed my teeth, and hopped into bed, my mother came in, sat on the edge of my bed, and smiled. "See what happens when you dress up, you'll get noticed." She kissed my head and said goodnight. She never did that before.

It wasn't me. I created a person to be noticed, to gain affection.

And that's where all that started...

Hi all. I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter. Please read the authors notes, it is important to understand this story. I will repeat again though. I don't want comments degrading, slut shaming, and overall being abusive towards characters. I will delete. These are real people and Angelique wants to tell a story.

I'd love to get comments/votes/follows.

If you like check out my other stories which are teen fiction, paranormal and chicklit which have a lighter storyline.

-Jacklyn- xo