"Don't ruin a new day by thinking about yesterday."

Unknown

Today I wasn't going to let the mistakes I've made lately define me. I am only human and sure I haven't made wise choices lately but it all changes now. I didn't want to wake up in ten, twenty, or even thirty years, and realise that I am in the same position, stuck in time, where I am today. I didn't want to come home smelling of grease, food marring my clothing, and exhaustion squeezing every muscle in my body. I didn't want to smile because I had to. I wanted to smile because I wanted to. Because there was a light lit up, that promised that the day ahead would be one where a smile would reach my eyes.

I arranged my whole outfit bought from Savers; a pair of black leggings, a simple $1 tshirt , and a pair of ballet flats which only had a small hole under the sole. I don't know why people knock op shops, you could find decent clothing there. My whole outfit cost $6.50. One day I'd like to go into Target and buy something new, it didn't have to be fancy, just something nobody has used, that nobody has touched before.

On my way out Katherine entered all dishevelled in what looked like yesterday, or clothes she had on when she last left. Her hair was matted, clothes rumpled, make up smeared and embedded in her skin that only a good scrub would remove it.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"Library."

"Don't know why you bother reading, this is our reality. Deal with it." Her voice was flat, as if she had conceded defeat and accepted her fate. With her heels in her hand she tiptoed upstairs. "Don't be long, I can't deal with her on my own."

The library was a short ten minute walk, down past the row of endless derelict units and flats , similar to the ones I live in. They were housing commission so if it has a roof, running water, and gas, it was deemed liveable. I avoided the cracks, and rubble which scattered the pathway, and walked on the as close to the curb as possible. At any moment there was a possibility of some mother or father on crack cocaine ready to jump anybody to get their next fix. Not that I had anything but that was besides the point.

I'd made up my mind that I was going to complete my high schooling and attain the certificate. Daniel the chef spoke of just completing his high school diploma. He was in his mid thirties and said no matter what he didn't want to die being known as a high school drop out.

I spent an hour searching the internet and filling out forms. A confirmation letter would be sent out in the mail, I just hope my mother doesn't find it.

After getting home from the library I crept back inside and confronted by an all too familiar sight. Shattered glass littered the floor and Katherine is in the kitchen applying a wet rag to her face, a handprint visible.

"What happened?" I asked, although I already know the answer.

"What do you think? I told you not to be long. You're such a self absorbed bitch." She spat throwing the rag down in the sink.

One hour. I couldn't even have an hour to myself. Work is my escape, and I can't wait to get out of there quick enough.

I barricaded myself inside my room and hide under the bed, for all my mother knew I still hadn't gotten back. I was grateful Katherine didn't reveal my location, but the guilt wracked me up inside that she was on the receiving side of her belting all by herself.

Dear Diary,

Today I saw how far my mother had fallen, and it was a wake up call. I might or might not be a raging alcoholic who abuses their children, but right now I was toxic, my life on the train to a village where the out of control reside. No, I want more, I owe it to myself. I no longer wanted to be a high school drop out.

If I didn't see what I did my aim was to have a "me" day today. I had all intention of staying in my tracksuits and reading. God knows I needed the escape. Most people think chicklit is mindless garbage but for me it's a way to escape. In my "trashy" books as my mother and sister call it, at least I get to share in somebody else's happily ever after. But there's a line between doing what I want, and doing things that won't have repucussions.

Maybe it's best I did, although I'll be short of money this week because I had to control her for not bringing home food. I went to bed hungry, but nobody cares about that. Katherine is never around, who knows where she is or who she's doing. All I know is I need her, I need somebody on my side so I'm not alone.

Katherine has lost all hope, except I haven't. Instead of dealing with this together, to be a strength of solidarity, she would rather give up. I want to, oh god or whatever person has put us on this hell hole, I don't want to die. Not yet. If I lose hope, what else is there?

Diary is there hope for me, or should I give up?