Well now I didn't have a sob story like that die ,that die, I left all alone.. or something. I know it's not much, and it's a weak reason to fall in to depression but... here it is

Everything starts with my father and mothers families. They also didn't have a whole family. Never. They didn't get a chance to taste what is a motherly love is like or a fathers supportive love is like, so naturally they didn't... couldn't show it to us.
My mother lives with my grand grandmother who is her grandmother. Her husband is dead so there is just my mother and her grandmother in a village. My grandma, my mothers mom, is a cook in a factory so she leaves early and came home late, and when she do get early sometimes, she has to clean the house or do the chores so she didn't want my mother around. My grandpa however is a wonderful person, he too has to leave early and got home even later but he always visits my mom whenever he got the chance. My grand grand mother is not the best grandmother. She is very strict and prefer very little affection. So she didn't really show my mother what love is nor she show her she loves her. Same with my grandma, since she was her mom, she grew up with her. She also didn't know how to show love and always lives her emotions inside... expect, anger. My mother is very angry to my grandma because she left her alone in a village! So when my grandma call her back when she was 13 she was not very pleased. When she got back she didn't get a apology or a hug. No. She got even more chores, like taking care of her sister who is 3 at the moment. When she prepare to go to the college. They sort things out with her mother. And everything's fine now between them. Tho she really didn't like spending a long time with my grandma still.
My grandpa as I said before was a really wonderful person. He was the nicest people that lives on earth to these days. And he show his love to my mother as best as he can, but! That didn't really matter to her because she's so full of anger to her mother she didn't even see the affection that much.
Now her sister... my aunt... my grandma leaves her job for 3 years so she can take care of her, and that makes my mom furious and jealous. So she didn't really love her sister at first that much. Yes she take care of her but as a responsibility not because that's her sister. They sort things out before college again but until that day my mothers feelings for her family is complicated.
And when he leave for college to another city, well things didn't get any further than, respect and a little family love. Much less than needed.

My father... oh god, how can I even start!... okay first of all, my father is a mistake. So my grandma and grandpa never really liked him. It was my grandmas 4th and my grandpas 5th marriage. And one wrong night and, Boom! Congratulation a mistake! My father was born.
Her 3 sisters and 1 brother didn't really liked him either because they have a really big age difference and he's not their actual brother from both parents. Except one. One of my uncles loves my father. He was the only one too. After never seeing affection or love from neither parent her brother was like a medicine. But oh well, nothing stays the way they are. His brother die.... from suicide. Leaving his brother, wife and 1/2 year old son behind. Teary eyed and heartbroken. After that my father try to get on well with his other sister and brother. Well it kinda worked but they are still not that good. After a couple of years, my mom and dad meet and love story oh how wonderful. Nope still not wonderful. After loosing my grandma in a earthquake and my grandpa in a heart attack he starts talking more with my two aunts and become close with them , not as close as his brother but oh well. (Fun fact: I didn't even know I had another uncle until 5 months ago) And finally they marry. A sweet ending... no of course not!

A couple of years later... I was born. Congratulation another mistake. But this time not like that. They plan to have me, tho I'm sure they'd think twice if they can saw how messed up I am today. Anyway!

Everybody's really happy to have me. Horay a new baby let's celebrate! And after all those years that my mother spend hating her mother, do you know what she did! She leaves me to my grandparents, wow such a clever idea. Tho I'm happy she left me. I got to spend more days with my grandpa. When I was little they basically threat me like a princess, well... at least my grandpa. He play toys with me ,talk to me, take me to park... meanwhile my grandma cook,clean the house and do the classic baby chores. Tho she same with my aunt play with me sometimes too. After that when I was 2 and a half years old I start going to school. A really small and lively day care which I really love! But I rarely see my father or mother. So I never miss them. Also because I spend my baby years with my grandparents. After that I got a pretty serious eye problem when I was at kindergarten (3 and a half years old) so everyday after school my mom or dad pick me up and go to the doctor with me. (It's now gone but I have to wear glasses ever since)That was the best times of the day for me! Because I got to see and talk with my mother (or father but usually mother) ! How wonderful is that. At same ages I got a cat. A British shorthair who is grumpy and didn't really love petting but also never complains or scratch if you do. He was perfect! Still is. After 12 years. Anyway, and at age 4 I got a sister, who was and still my everything. I learn what loving someone is with them. Sure I love my grandparents! A lot, but I can't see them as much anymore. So I love this feeling they gave me. Because my mother or father never really show they love me. So... I never love them. Sure I like them, but love? No. Because I didn't know what it is! Like they didn't know it. After that the hell with my father begin. Oh the 'you're a sister now you're big act like it' kills me every time. At the age of 5 I told I must take responsibility from now on and man up. So I did what I told. Countless nights I can't sleep because of baby cryings,I never complain. I go to school with 2 hours of sleep or none, I didn't complain. I spend hours trying to laugh her. And I never, for once, complain because I know if I do, I'll get yelled. Many years pass, nothing change. when my sister is 5, they never lecture her or give her responsibility like they do to me, and I remember being 9 it really confuse me, cause I thought that's what normal is and everybody does it. Turns out it's not.. I learned that very late tho. Every year, yelling and shouting (from my father) get more and more and from one point, I remember him shouting at me because I'm walking too slow. He was stressed and I still think that's normal. Even if I have friends around, he would ask me to come to another room with him and shout at me. He never, shout at my sister, and when I ask when is she gonna get responsibilities they say she is still little. When I was in 6th grade, one of my best friend (or so as I thought) betrayed me.. bully me, physically and mentally. Calling me a cry baby, a kitty, a dumb worm (for some reason?) and I lost all my self-esteem and to these day it never came back. My mom and dad never helped me. They said it's okay it's gonna pass. Because I start school at such a young age, I love school! But that year.. I hate it so much because of bullying. Bullying stop at 7th grade but family problems didn't. They continue and sometimes turn in to something even worser like abuse.. just a few times tho. He throw me a plate (to my face), he slap me.. hard. He once punch me. And I remember one day he got so mad at me for a reason and he throw MY CAT to my face and then lock him outside at 2 am at winter. It's horrible.

And when I want to spend time with my family, either one of us is busy or didn't want it.

And I remember we use to make family movie nights and every time My mom will go to do the chores my dad will go to do work and my sister will fall asleep. Me? I'll watch the whole movie in case they came back and want to learn what happened. They never came, and every time I cry in that couch until I fall asleep.

After all my primary and middle school life, I wait for a surprise from my parent that they are gonna pick me up today just to see me. Or hug me randomly cause they love me.. that never came

So yeah! I never see nor feel what family love is. They never show me because they also didn't know it.
Me? I try to love and show it to My sister so she didn't feel like it, but turns out it didn't really matter because my father and mother already learn by their mistakes and didn't make it . I'm the experiment material. They learn with me, throw me aside. My life pay the cost.

And the reason to my depression:

Last year at these months.. we got a dog! Sure my cat loves me but because I play with him too roughly when I'm little he didn't like showing it. And my sister? She's a little Brat now. Because everyone says 'oh she's little she can do it' or 'oh she's little she doesn't need to' she feel like she's better than so much people. So no love from her too. Also because she got my fathers temper, saying this to her is a big no no. But that dog, show me how does it feel like someone loves you as much as you do and can show it to you!
And when you feel it once, it's harder to turn back. So when she go. I feel really bad. Shortly after... my grandpa die. Yes,... him...
The only person that shoves he loves me for all these years. After that.. my mother and father broke up. And I find myself in a dirty divorce. It's awful. they always rant to me. And expect me to not cry. Stray strong and comfort them. To basically be their therapist. Stupid me agree. Like always they give me more and more responsibilities. After that we move to another city. Which I didn't even know, and I left my home which I love very much and my friend who I'm starting to feel like they like me. And I start living with my grandma, yes... who suck at showing she loves me.

And now I'm scared of loving someone... maybe that's why I'm feeling like I'm aromantic. I don't know. It's not like I'm frowning at anybody and didn't want to make friends. I'm just scared that people didn't like me because I'm not likable I'm not good enough but I love them. And I fall back to the same situation.
And I don't want it

Well that's basically it...

🍯Honey out~

Bye