October 22

Today I found out about the annual Halloween event at our hospital. On Halloween night, the patients that are well enough to exit their rooms dress up from a big basket of clothes provided by the hospital and go trick-or-treating at all of the less fortunate's rooms. I'm excited about that, but something more important happened today.

My family showed up. My whole family. Mom and Dad, and my brother Jonah, and my sister Carrie. They all showed up.

My mom and dad even told me that they didn't think I was even well enough for them to visit, let alone my siblings, but the doctors assured them otherwise. I wish they hadn't told me that. It just makes me remember how carefully they hugged me those weeks ago.

I'm not a monster though. I'm not sure if I was before, but I'm most certainly not now. I don't even take my pills unless I have nightmares. And then they go away the next night. I'm better. I'm good again.

But that's also the worst thing possible, because what will happen to me after I leave this hospital? I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to fade from their memories until all they remember when they hear my name is that I'm the one who made it out.

October 23

Emily looks so much better already. I can see parts of her skin that aren't so tightly attached to her bone anymore. But sadly, so can she. She's almost always crying, asking to move around to get the water weight off of her, or at least for a scale to weigh herself and see just how much damage this has caused. It just makes me so angry, and I may not have wanted to make her even more upset, but she needed that push. The whole hospital probably heard me, I was screaming so loud. I just hope she got the message, and that wasn't all for naught, because even as I'm writing this, my face is still flushed with anger. I just want to know an Emily besides the one I first met. And sometimes you just have to come out and say it.

October 24

My doctors gave me the best and worst news today. I can leave within the week. I'm no longer a danger to myself and others. Shai may be gone, but I know that I can move past this tragedy and look towards the future, while keeping him at heart.

But what about this hospital? I don't have the guts to leave. I want to stay here with my friends. They're the reason I can leave. Sure, I may not know them as well as I could, specifically the boys, and Meghan and Carmen too (but less so), but they've all affected me in such a drastic way that I don't know how I'm going to carry on.

People touch you in life, but sometimes they're gone before they can grab your hand and pull you closer.

I wish someone could pull me closer, and fast.

October 25

Where did all the time go? Has it really been nearly a month that I've been here, sulking over the loss of my friend? How is that possible?

I've realized while here that moments can last lifetimes, it seems, but lifetimes last only moments.

Why is that? Is it so wrong to be able to savor the good parts of life? I'm never going to forget this place. I may be seventeen, but the reality is, I grew up here. This is the place where I healed and became a new person. I like who I am now. I like being the improved version of Veronica Walker. I'm no longer defined by my ranking as a trainer. I'm me. I may be the girl who lost her Pokémon, her best friend to an explosion in a lab, and I may be the girl who went crazy and had to be hospitalized, but I'm also the girl whose rehabilitation was the friends she made.

Like, I don't know if I'll ever jump back on the Ponyta. I probably won't ever be a Pokemon trainer again. But that doesn't matter. I'll figure it out. I no longer want to live in the future like when I was a trainer, or live in the past like when I initially stopped being one. Neither of those have worked for me. It's time to live in the present.

October 26

Liam and Brian came to visit me today, because apparently word spread around that I'm permitted to leave at the end of the week. They told me things that shocked me into silence, they were so sweet. Because according to them, I changed their lives for the better.

The three of us made our amends. And I don't regret bringing the two of them into my life.

Even though we never really became true friends like I wanted us to, we were friends, and they touched my life much more that your average Beartic, so I appreciate them so much.

October 27

I came in to visit Emily today. I've been avoiding her ever since the incident, which isn't too hard since she didn't have much of a say in the matter when trapped in bed. But the most obscure thing happened.

She was eating. She looked so sick before, but when I walked in, she was gnawing on a package of carrots. It's only been a few days, but she looks considerably better, like she's been eating ever since I left.

She hugged me like it was our last day together, which it nearly was, and she thanked me and thanked me and thanked me. She told me how hard it was to recuperate when her stomach was so used to the bare necessities, but she forced it down because she's determined to become a vegan, and no longer anorexic, which is a much better way to lose weight, in my opinion. And then she thanked me some more. Because she kept saying that I changed her life. That I saved her from herself. I didn't know how to respond.

But I don't believe that's true. She's changed my life. And so have Meghan, and Carmen, and Brian, and Liam. I don't want this to be over. I want to sit here everyday until Meghan's plastic surgery has saved her from her unlucky streak, and Carmen and Brian have can both live on their own, and Liam fights his illness head on and wins, and Emily is average weight, or even obese for all I care.

I just want them to be saved. Because I haven't truly been saved unless they can go after me.

October 28

I'm officially leaving on Halloween night. The trick-or-treating will start and end earlier, because everyone wants to see me off. That blows me away. St. Lauren's has so many people it it, people I don't even know, but they're still going to say goodbye to me. I don't even understand how that came to be.

Maybe it's because once you get in, it's nearly impossible to get out.

So many other people deserve to get out of here. Yet the one who doesn't want to gets the privilege. I feel selfish. How could I accept this?

But I know they want me to leave. Not because they didn't like me. But because they want everyone who can to do it for the ones who can't.

October 29

October 30

October 31

I'm sorry I skipped two days of writing in a row. I've been so busy packing and trying to recreate relationships with my family that everything has been all out of whack, so I've decided to add today's date to this week since it's my technical last week.

I feel like such a traitor. Here I am, enjoying myself. Walking out and not doing anything to help the others. I feel horrible.

But at the same time, I know it's not my fault. I didn't mean to meet my new neighbor, Dylan, while my sister Carrie and I were trying to set my room up again before I officially move back in. I didn't mean to watch Shai die. And I definitely didn't mean to make friends with all of these wonderful people. It's something that I will always remember about my time here.

I dressed up as a ballerina, Carmen as a hippy, Meghan as a vampire, Liam as a pirate, and Brian as a doctor. We all knew our costumes were stupid and childish but it didn't matter. We brought a witch hat for Emily, and we wheeled her around the whole hospital, trick-or-treating, having the best time I ever had in all of the month I've spent here.

But it all had to end. We cried and we cried and we cried. Mostly me. Because I'm a traitor for leaving them to fend for themselves. But they didn't look like what I've done to them is awful. They looked happy for me, that I've made it out alive.

And one day, they'll do the same.