October 8

They made me step out of the room today. They've already begun to adjust my dosages to when needed, so I can open my eyes without the longing to close them again and never wake up.

If I had stayed in there, I never would've known that the door directly next to mine is an anorexic girl my age named Emily, who is so sweet and doesn't deserve what she's going through. Her arms and legs are as skinny as twigs, and her ribs jut out unhealthily. I want her to be saved, because it's not fair that people have to go through these things.

I can relate, too. I've had mental disorders my whole life. I didn't ask for it. Arceus picked a name out of a hat to find out whose life would be lost to suffering and my name was there against all odds. Just like Emily's name was there.

And what about Liam on the other side of my room? Did he get to choose to have lung cancer? Because if he did, it was a strange choice.

I sure didn't get to choose. And if I was given the opportunity, I'd make everything about my mind absolutely perfect, so that my head didn't have to pound, and my eyes itch, and my lungs ache.

I'd choose that Liam could breathe with his own lungs that Arceus gave him. I'd like to see the big breath he'd take without an oxygen tank's assistance.

I'd choose that Emily be happy with her body image and be beautiful, because I can see a ghost of beauty in her pretty blue eyes, and her smile, and her tawny hair before she became frail and brittle.

I'd choose that no one have to suffer like us.

October 9

Emily came to visit me this time, because she said she loved my company, and I felt like I had betrayed her. She had jabbered on about how people felt bad for her because she looked so fragile not just yesterday, but today too. But I became just like them when I saw her twig legs wobble under the very little weight her body held.

It was a natural thing. I couldn't help but feel bad for Emily, and I was sure she felt bad for me. Just as she was the physically breakable girl in my eyes, I was the emotionally breakable girl. My eyes were still puffy, after all. My best friend was still dead. At least she could recover if she tried hard enough. Shai could never. Will never.

I will always be haunted by my best friend, not because his soul isn't at rest, but because his soul is at rest.

October 10

I fell asleep last night without the medicine for the first time, and I regret it. Shai's face returned, bloody and calling out to me just like before. I was screaming so much that they had to sedate me.

I guess I'm back to bad again.

I want to get better. I want to so desperately. But I can't find the strength.

My strength disappeared when I heard the bloodcurdling screams and watched Death come to take my partner away.

Now I'm just as fragile as Emily.

October 11

It feels strange to say it, but the time I've spent here has made me more friends than I've had my whole life. It's not just those in my neighboring rooms. I've graduated from having meals taken to me to walking myself to the cafeteria and sitting with other patients. I wish I could remember more of their names than I did. For now they'll only be the girl with bright red hair, the boy with the brightest of green eyes I've ever seen, and the unlucky girl whose suffering was her own face.

And I like them too. I like to sit between Emily and Liam, with the three of them across the table. I hope I learn who they really are soon. Because I've been genuinely happy to get to know Emily and Liam.

October 12

I decided that I needed a day to myself. A day to grieve. Not to scream and cry. But to grieve. And my doctors agreed with me.

It's left me alone with my thoughts, and although I've been drugged for over a week now, I feel even more aware.

I still hear his words occasionally, but I've started to feel grateful that I can remember him, because one day, even that will slip away.

I don't want to forget Shai. I may not be able to remember the entire year that we spent together, but I remember the moments of pure joy and pure anger and pure sadness. I remember what was destined to be remembered.

I'll never forget that Shai and I met with him biting my arm, and I had to be hospitalized and stitched up because it was so bad. And then he sneaked in through the window and woke me up in the middle of the night. Then he looked at me solemnly with those bright yellow eyes. He was apologizing to me. And that's how I knew we were perfect for each other.

October 13

After my day without socialization, I felt the need to make up for my absence today. I went to Emily's room, and she welcomed me with open arms. I don't know if it's just me, but she seemed better today. Her cheeks looked ever so slightly flushed, and her smile wider.

Emily is such a sweetheart. She's the type of person that everyone wants to befriend, because she's just that kind and caring. It just makes me feel even worse about how she has to suffer alongside all of us.

Just like I wish I could have taken the opportunity to get to know Shai properly, I've decided to get to know all of these friendly people. Because you never know when a heart will stop, or an oxygen tank will stop assisting you, or when a twig leg will finally snap.

October 14

Two weeks. The doctors all say that I'm improving rapidly, and I'm happy they think that, but I don't agree with them. I may be able to smile again, and my tears may have almost completely stopped, but the pain still pokes at me, waiting for me to tip over.

I know now that the pain isn't ever going to stop, not completely. But I need to grow stronger so that I can continue standing tall. All of the fragile kids in the halls of this hospital need to as well. And I want to help them.

First though, I need to help myself.