Twelve

"This is nice" Lynz commented from where she sat perched on the ground, a cigarette balanced between her bright red lips and her boot-clad legs crossed underneath her as she watched me paint, her eyes following my every move in a way only artistic people truly appreciated. "It's therapeutic to watch you paint." 

"It's even more therapeutic if you're the one painting" I turned to her and held out the black can "Here, try it." She got to her feet and took the can, looking wearily at my work. I had nearly finished my drawing of two hands reaching out to each other, but being held back by a whole horde of arms that seemed much more grey in colour. Underneath I was going to write 'society prevents growth' but there was still plenty of space on the opposite wall of the underpass for Lynz to create something. 

"Go on Lynz" Jimmy added from behind his sunglasses "You know you'd be good at it" he turned to me "Linds is an amazing artist, just wait until you see her sketchbook." 

"Shut up before you make me blush" She chuckled, turning back to the wall as the three of us watched her. She slowly and gracefully started to spray, and I could already tell that she was a natural. At first we didn't know quite what she painting, but it soon became clear that she was drawing a bass guitar, held by the silhouette of a woman who was obviously meant to be her. She finished it off and stepped back, smiling at her work. 

"That's great" Oli grinned from where he was perched on an overturned shopping trolley. We'd come to a not so nice area of the town to avoid suspicion and getting caught, plus Oli knew the area pretty well and easily found a good spot for me to tag in. "We should probably make a move though, someone's bound to come down here at some point." 

"Yeah" I started to pack away my cans, catching the one that Lynz threw back to me at the same time, "I guess I should go home and get it over with." None of them knew exactly why I was so unwilling to go back to my family, but i was sure they could all make an educated guess and figure out that we'd probably just rowed again. 

"Okay, well good luck man" Oli gave me a somewhat encouraging smile "If you need me i'll be at home so just call me or something." 

"Me and Lynz might have a Breaking Bad marathon later at mine, if you wanna come over then you're more than welcome" Jimmy stood up and re-adjusted his jacket. 

"Thanks guys, and I guess it depends on what it goes like back at the house" I was going back to referring to it as the house instead of home, because it had never felt like somewhere I could exist happily. "But if it goes to complete shit then i'll give you a ring." 

"Okay, well good luck" Lynz gave me a brief hug before we all walked out from under the bridge, and proceeded to go our separate ways. Part of me just wanted to run off with them, back to Jimmy's where we could just watch TV and forget about my problems, but a bigger part of me knew that the longer I left it, the more the anger would build up inside me and eventually spill over. 

I looked up at the house with a long, unimpressed sigh, knowing I would have to go in and face them. Even if I had to live with them, I knew that unless they were respectful then I wouldn't speak to them. I wasn't going to put up with any sort of insults based on my sexuality or any insults in general, and i was going to make that clear. 

When I stepped inside the first person I saw was Ray coming out of the kitchen. He smiled when he saw me, looking almost relieved. 

"Frank - you're back" He stepped closer towards me, seeming genuinely happy with my presence which was probably more than could be said for his parents when they realised I had arrived back. "I was worried." 

"You don't need to be" I ran a hand through my hair, noticing that it was starting to get greasy. In fact I really did need a shower now I thought about it. At least I could use that as an excuse if things got too heated "I take it James told you?" 

"He didn't need to, I overheard him and my mum talking about it" He shrugged "I kind of already knew though - it didn't come as a surprise. Quite a lot of people at school had mentioned it. I was surprised it didn't get back to them sooner really." 

"Yeah well if I had my way it never would've gotten back to them" I grumbled, hearing footsteps approaching. 

"You live with us now, they were bound to find out at some point" He shook his head "Anyway, good luck. They seem to have calmed down overnight..." He turned and left the room just as James walked in, Isabel not far behind him. I envied Ray for being able to slip away to his room, no doubt to practice guitar and just be left in peace whilst I had to face the dragons. 

"Frank" my aunt sighed, looking more stressed than normal "Where did you go last night? We couldn't get hold of you." 

"I didn't exactly want to talk after what he said to me" I spat, glaring at James "Homophobic slurs aren't exactly the sort of thing that makes me want to rush back here." At least he seemed uncomfortable under my gaze, even more so when Isabel turned to him. 

"Yes, well, I was out of line" He grumbled "I was shocked and I said things that offended you." 

"He's sorry" Isabel interjected, looking almost scared of me. Maybe my own parents had told her about the coffee table incident... 

"I want to hear it from him, not you" I crossed my arms, squaring up to them both. 

"I'm sorry" He mumbled after a moment, looking up at me like he was being forced to. Obviously Isabel wasn't impressed with his reaction, and so she was making him be nice for once so that I wouldn't tell anyone else what happened. 

"You see Frank, we didn't know, and we're still in shock. We've been talking and we think it would be good for you to continue helping at the church until further notice, and maybe for you to spend some time talking to father Way about the situation." I really had to bite my tongue then, as I wanted so desperately to made some sort of cryptic comment about how Gerard just confirmed my sexuality even more, but I could never do that to him. 

"Nobody's going to be able to talk me into being straight just because you think it's the right way to be, not even a priest. I'll go help out at the church if you want, but don't expect me to come back a changed guy." I spoke with a hint of bitterness, but it was under control. They were backing down, and so I felt a small sense of victory, especially after James had apologised. 

James looked like he wanted to say more, but Isabel beat him to it, probably sensing that he was only about to create more tension. 

"Just... speak to him anyway" She sighed " Oh and don't stay up too late, we have church in the morning." I took that as an opportunity to leave, and quickly snatched it, heading upstairs without even looking back at the pair of them. 

The next morning i all but dragged myself out of bed and downstairs, not wanting another confrontation with my aunt and uncle. It was easier to just get in the car, shove in my headphones and pretend like no one else was around. The worst part was that I wasn't just going to any church, but the one where i was guaranteed to see Gerard. 

Gerard. The guy i'd kissed and then been rejected by all over his job. The guy who was probably either going to avoid me like mad or pretend like it never happened and act as if he was a straight guy who's never look twice at me, the seventeen year old delinquent who would only bring him more trouble than I was worth. 

"Cheer up" Ray said to me as we made our way inside "It's an hour long service, not a death sentence." 

"I guess so" I took out my headphones and shoved them into my pocket "It's still an hour too long for my liking." 

"Just go along with it" We stepped inside "Father Way is actually pretty interesting to listen to, although I guess you'd already know that after all the time you've been spending together" he said it so innocently that I almost wanted to cry out the truth, but I knew that I could never tell anyone, not even my cousin, for Gerard's sake. 

We took our seats just as Gerard walked in. His eyes scanned the crowd and landed on mine, there was no doubt about it. He smiled ever so slightly before turning back to speak to another man, leaving me to wonder wether he was happy to see me or just happy that I sat down without causing a fuss. 

I zoned out the minute the service started, my mind coming back into focus every once in a while just to hear what Gerard was talking about. Mainly I just listened to the tone of his voice, the way he pronounced certain words differently to me, even though our accents were the same, or the way he moved his hands as he spoke. Sometimes I looked at the expression on his face, but it was nothing compared to the expressions he had worn when it was just the two of us. 

He tended not to look at me, probably because everyone's eyes were on him and he wouldn't exactly want to look guilty or blush in front of everyone there. He probably just wanted to forget the whole ordeal even happened. 

I glanced back down at my shoes and just let my mind wander - I was trying and failing to stop thinking about him.

By the time the service ended I was itching to get home. I still felt tired and the thought of being able to curl up and sleep away the remainder of the day was tempting me. I headed outside whilst my aunt uncle and cousin stayed to talk to their friends for a while, knowing that there wasn't a single person there that I wanted to converse with. 

I made my way to the back of the small graveyard, where there was a bench concealed behind a row of small trees. It was the perfect place to sit without anyone coming to disturb me, or so I thought as I lit up a cigarette and started to smoke. 

It was about five minutes later that I saw Gerard slip out the back door of the church, his eyes scanning the grounds before they finally settled on my hiding spot, where he could probably just about see my right shoulder poking out. 

I didn't particularly want to talk to him, but he walked over to me all the same, taking a seat next to me on the bench. He was close enough that if I put my hand down it would be covering his own, and also so that nobody could see us from the main building. 

"Can I have a drag?" he asked, seeming more confident and sure of himself than before. I just shrugged and handed the stick over to him, watching him twist his fingers around it in an elegant grip before taking a slow drag, his cheeks sucking in as he did so. 

How the hell did he manage to make everything look so attractive to me? Smoking wasn't suppose to be hot, at least it never had been to me. It was always just a money-consuming habit that would eventually kill you, and yet there I was, staring at him as he took a drag, completely mesmerised by his actions. 

"Why did you come out here?" I asked as he smoked "Why bother talking to me when you've already made it oh-so clear on exactly how we stand?" 

"Just because we can't be together dosen't mean I don't care about you" He stated bluntly, handing me back my cigarette only for me to drop it onto the ground and stamp it out, now uninterested in the nicotine stick. I was too focused on what he had to say to be distracted by idle things like smoking. "I wanted to know how it went with James and Isabel." 

"Okay" I shrugged again, not looking at him "He apologised. Well, she made him apologise, but the main point is he did." 

"And you're okay with him now? After all that?" 

"Of course not" I snorted "I hate his guts and once I get out of that house i'm never going back."

"Then why don't you care about that whole ordeal anymore? He was horrible to you, and he was homophobic! If you're not satisfied that his apology was genuine or respectful then you shouldn't settle for anything less-" 

"Maybe I should just pretend i'm something i'm not like you do" I snapped "Then maybe things would be a lot simpler." 

"Frank-" He just sighed, looking tired. 

"I just don't get what you're trying to say to me" I declared before things got more cryptic "Do you want me to kick up a fuss and argue against him? Because i'll do that anyway in my own time and my own way, but I just don't see what it has to do with you or why you care so much. You made it clear that you didn't want a relationship, and yet here you are, hiding out here with me and telling me not to take anyone's shit." 

"I just don't want to see you talked down on" He cried back. Luckily we were a safe distance from the church so that nobody would actually hear us or see where we were. This was not a conversation that I wanted to go public. "You're this ball of fire and I feel like there's way too many people out there who are determined to extinguish you, and I want to do everything I can to stop them." 

"You care an awful lot for someone who's just a teenage boy, here to help out with jobs around the church" I turned to look him in the eye, only to see a torn expression in his own "I don't think you're suppose to feel so strongly about these things, don't you agree?" 

"Frank..." he groaned in frustration "Stop twisting my words." 

"You have feelings for me" I declared, not waiting for him to try and think of some way to deny what I already knew to be the truth "You have feelings for me, and no matter how much you try to hide them, I know they exist. If you really want to help me, Gerard, then stop denying those feelings and treat me like your equal for once, instead of some delinquent kid who'll just land you in trouble." 

"I don't see you that way" in his desperation, he reached out and grabbed my hand, and I had to hold back a shiver "I'd never see you that way."

"Then be with me" I moved closer so that he had nowhere else to look but right into my eyes "Give us a shot Gerard. Let me prove to you that this is what you want. Just kiss me again, just give me a chance-" 

Without a word he kissed me. 

He kissed me this time around. And it was even better than the first time. Maybe because we were being so risky by kissing out in the open, right after the service when anyone could come along the path and spot us. Or maybe just because we both knew that he meant it this time. 

I found it hard to keep tracks of who's hands were where. I could feel one of his on my side and the other on my neck, but they kept moving and changing positions until I just gave up and concentrated on pulling him backwards as we kissed, so that he was leaning over me, both of us still on the bench as things got faster and faster. 

This time when he pulled away, he didn't took like he regretted it. Sure, he still looked a little guilty for kissing me when every moral bone in his body was telling him not to, but he couldn't deny how good it had felt to do so. 

"I should go" I mumbled, both of our hands still resting on each other "If I don't show up soon they'll come looking for me." 

"Okay" He said, obviously not knowing quite what to say about what had just happened to the both of us, except that he had enjoyed it. I couldn't blame him - I didn't exactly know how to word my feelings either. 

"See you tomorrow" I just settled for a small smirk as I stood up, him doing the same beside me. For a moment I didn't think he was going to say anything, but when I started to walk towards the church, my lips already feeling tender from just how rough the kiss had been, he called out after me. 

"Frank?" I turned to see him leaning against one of the trees, a smirk matching mine on his lips "Don't be late." 

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