Eleven

I slept well that night. The bed in Gerard's spare room was a comfy one, and i sprawled out in it, allowing myself to sleep in until nine thirty in the morning, which was when i opened my bleary eyes and remembered what had happened the night before, from the party, to Dewees, to the argument with James, and then to the kiss with Gerard.

I'd both been kissed by a guy and kissed a guy myself within the space of a few hours, something I never thought would have happened. The only one I actually thought about was the second one though, remembering the way Gerard had felt against my lips, the way his hands felt resting on me and the little groan he'd made that proved he'd enjoyed it, no matter what he was going to say to convince himself he didn't.

I sighed into the pillow, knowing I had to face him. I didn't regret what had happened, I only wished he felt the same though. He was a priest and I knew it could never work out, but that didn't mean I didn't want to try.

It was obvious that he enjoyed kissing me, and must have been somewhat attracted to me, which meant he couldn't be completely straight. Getting him to admit this would probably be a completely separate matter though.

I an a hand through my hair, trying to tame it, before I got out of bed and clambered down the stairs, finding my way into the kitchen, where Gerard was dressed in casual clothes, which consisted of the same jeans he wore anyway, but paired with a faded Iron Maiden t-shirt and minus his collar, making him seem like a regular guy instead of an out-of-bounds priest.

"Morning" I shuffled from foot to foot, watching as he looked up at me with a smile that looked as awkward as I felt.

"Hey" he mumbled softly "There's er, there's cereals over there, or you can have toast if you want. Or fruit, help yourself" he gestured to the kitchen cabinets and tried to turn away, but I reached out and grabbed his wrist from my side of the counter, not wanting to leave it.

"Don't pretend like it didn't happen" I whispered, even though we were the only people in the house.

"Frank I can't-"

"Can't? Yes you can, you kissed me back last night and don't even think for a moment that you didn't enjoy it because it's obvious you did. You wanted that as much as I did." I knew one of us had to be the confident one that would push forward, and Gerard seemed to be doing the opposite.

"Even if I did enjoy it-"

"Which you did."

"Okay fine, yes I did enjoy it. But Frank that can't happen again" he tugged at the ends of his hair, his frustration obvious to me.

"Why not? Gerard nobody needs to know about this. Who's going to find out? Who's even going to care?" For some reason, this seemed to snap something within him.

"Who's going to care? I'll tell you who's going to care Frank! I kissed an underage guy last night, a guy who's family has trusted me to watch over him. So yes Frank, people are going to care. Big time." He was yelling by the time he'd finished talking, but I didn't flinch, or even feel worried by it.

"I know" I sighed "But are you really just going to let that stop you? Have some fun Gee, do something reckless for once. Live. If you don't push the boundaries you'll never know how far you can get." It was something I loved to do all the time, but he was yet to discover his sense of rebellion, either that or he just compressed it. "Come on, I have faith in you too, okay?"

"No, Frank I seriously can't" He went to stand up but I stood with him, reaching out to grab his hand, but he just pulled it away "You just think you want to kiss me because I'm here for you and I'm actually giving you a chance, but you need to stick with people your own age, people who aren't your local priest."

"But I don't want anyone my age. I want you. And I know you want me too, I saw the jealousy you had for Dewees last night. You like me and you're in denial. Now I don't know whether you're bisexual or gay or whatever, because I don't care for those labels, but you said yourself that you were against the church looking down on gay relationships - why should it be different for you?"

"Because I'm not a teenage boy who's just come out. I'm a priest that's trying to win over a congregation. I don't even know if my job would be safe. It's... different, for me" he tried to explain like it should make sense, but all I saw was more bullshit that the elderly had made up, not understanding how sexuality actually worked.

"So you're saying it's okay for some people to be gay but not others?" I raised an eyebrow, knowing I was twisting his words against him and not caring that I was making him nervous and even a little awkward. I needed to get my point across.

"No! Not at all!" He yelped immediately "I'm not homophobic, I don't believe that stuff, I just... have to follow it anyway."

"You don't have to follow something you don't believe in. If everyone did that then the world would be even more shit than it is now. If everyone had followed Hitler because they were scared and nobody had stood up to him then imagine what would've happened" I stopped myself there, before I went off on a tangent about rebellion and questioning authority, as I loved to do so much. "Look, my point is if you don't stand up for what you believe in then who's going to? I can't do it for you."

Gerard stared down at my outstretched hand, looking torn and even a little lost.

"I just can't afford to screw this job up Frank" he mumbled after a moment "If I kiss you again, if I go there, I could lose everything. This is the one thing I have a shot at."

"You could, but that doesn't mean you necessarily will" I sighed, letting my hand drop down to my side in defeat, knowing he wasn't going to grab it, no matter how badly i wanted him to "Just... think about what I said."

"You don't have to leave" he called after me when I turned towards the door.

"Do you want me to?"

"No" his voice sounded small "I want you to stay with me, but I'm not sure if that's such a good idea." There was an almost longing to his eyes as he watched me hesitate in the doorway, feeling torn.

"You obviously don't know what you want yet" I took one step further out of the room "and until you know I think I better leave. For both our sakes."

"Where will you go?" He followed me to the front door and stood dangerously close to me "I don't want to find you out of the streets again and I know you don't want to go back to James and Isabel yet."

"I'll go back to my friends. Don't worry Gerard, I think I know how to take care of myself. Who knows, maybe Dewees will still be around?" He grimaced like Dewees was some sort of fungal infection instead of a person.

"Don't joke about that" he reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder "please."

"Why not?" I tried in one last attempt to get him to admit that he was jealous and that he wanted to keep me for himself, but he still couldn't bring himself to say it aloud, despite the fact i already knew the truth from the look on his face.

"See you in church tomorrow" He just replied, avoiding eye contact. I turned and opened the front door, hearing his voice from behind me as I went to step outside. "Oh and Frank? Turn up this time, yeah? I don't know if I'd get away with lying for you again."

"Sure, whatever you say Father" I called back, my voice expressionless until the last word, in which I let a sarcastic smile grace my mouth. He stood there watching me as I made my way out of his driveway, and didn't stop until I reached the end of his wall, disappearing out of his view.

I knew where i was going without even having to decide. There was only one option left for me now, and that was to go back to Kellins to find Jimmy and maybe some of the others and see if anyone was up for doing something reckless, something to give me an adrenalin rush that could match the one I'd experienced when kissing Gerard the night before.

Fuck, kissing Gerard.

I hated that i enjoyed it so much, or more truthfully I hated the fact that he wouldn't admit that he enjoyed it too. I knew he liked me back, but i feared that I'd pushed him too far, and now he'd be walking on eggshells around me, scared I was going to kiss him again and make him come face to face with his sexuality. It was obvious that he was hiding in the closet, too afraid of the church and what the congregation would think to admit who he truly was.

I wondered about what it would be like if he wasn't a priest. If he was openly gay, then last night could've ended differently. Maybe he'd be interested, maybe he'd have kissed me again, maybe i would've still been there instead of walking down the empty street, my hands in my pockets and my headphones in my ears as I tried to think about anything else but him.

Unfortunately the walk to Kellin's from Gerard's was longer than I had expected, so I had plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts that seemed to demand that they were heard. I couldn't help but ponder everything that had happened, and wonder wether my life would have been easier if i'd just been allowed to stay back in New Jersey. Back where the priests were ageing, balding men and I didn't have to live with a homophobe.

When his house loomed into sight, It seemed reasonably tidy. Sure, there were a few beer bottle son the lawn, but apart from that you wouldn't be able to tell that a party had taken place there the night before. The door was open, so I easily slid into the house and made my way into the kitchen, where I found the whole crowd of my friends, minus Kellin himself, all gathered around eating toast and pancakes, some looking rougher than others.

"Morning guys" I plastered on a smile, making them all turn to face me, seeming pleasantly surprised.

"Frank, hey" Oli croaked, his eyes looking heavy from the hangover he was no doubt currently enduring "you want some pancakes? Steve's cooking them now."

"Sure" I nodded, sitting down at the island. I had been too busy arguing at Gerard's to take up his offer of breakfast, and by that point my stomach was grumbling in protest, needing the energy source.

"Where'd you go last night?" Lynz asked as she finished up her own food "I saw you leave with Dewees - did you get lucky?" Her eyes were sparkling with excitement at the thought of a potential new relationship, so I could only imagine how she would react if she knew the truth about the night before.

"Nah, he kissed me but I wasn't really interested in him in that way" I shrugged as Steve passed me a plate of food "thanks, man." He just waved his spatula in my direction before turning back to the stove.

"That's a shame, I thought you guys were getting on really well" Chantal injected, scoring her chair so she could join in with the conversation. Despite the fact that they had obviously slept over in the clothes they were standing up in, both still had intact makeup and big grins. Maybe they could just handle their drink better than the rest of us?

"We were, I just wasn't all that attracted to him" Okay so maybe I had been a little, but it was nothing compared to what I felt when I looked at Gerard. Goddam it, there I went again, thinking about him. 

"Well then where did you go?" Lynz raised a quizzical eyebrow "Did you go home to your aunt and uncle?" 

"Hell no, we've fallen out" I added the last part in a slightly colder tone, showing them that I didn't want to discuss it further. "Anyway, where's Kellin? Did he suddenly forget that he has guests or something?" 

"No" Chantal chuckled "We just didn't want to disturb him when he was... otherwise preoccupied." 

"Oh yeah, that Vic guy" I remembered in a flash, the smaller guy with the nose ring coming to mind "He's still with him then?" 

"Yep. Has been all night. Something tells me Oli did well to match those two up" Lynz said as started to clear away the plates, including my empty one. "Now we just need him to work him cupid magic on the rest of us." 

"Speak for yourself" Chantal grinned over at where Jimmy was lying on the sofa, looking dazed "I already found my prince un-charming." 

"I heard that" Jimmy grumbled before throwing his arms over his head "Agh, since when was it so bright in here. Can't we pull the curtains or something? And how are you okay Chanty? You drank way more than me." 

"Face it babe, you're a lightweight" She giggled, obviously not feeling much pity towards him, probably because it was a regular thing. He just flipped us all off and buried his face in the pillow, he was obviously going to be out of it for at least the rest of the morning. 

"Hey guys" Vic and Kellin walked into the kitchen holding hands, and although their clothes were all on, it didn't take a genius to notice that both were wearing different t-shirts to when they had disappeared upstairs the night before. 

"So nice of you to join us" Kitty rolled her eyes, but I knew she was only teasing them because she was happy for the pair.

"We smelt the pancakes" Vic shrugged, whilst Kellin just grinned and squeezed his hand tighter. A pang of jealousy shot through me at how easily they'd hooked up - neither was an off-limits priest who refused to acknowledge his sexuality, but at the same time was unbearably attractive. Why did I always pick the complicated ones? 

I bet they both just admitted they liked each other and that was that - they would've gone on to sleep together and no doubt soon enter a relationship, with the worst of their problems consisting of people disapproving of their sexuality, but from what I had gathered Kellin's parents were fine with it, and Vic's i presumed were the same. 

"So did any of you want to do something today?" I asked as they all finished up their food "Nothing extravagant, just something better than heading home." 

"I'm not up for much" Jimmy's voice grumbled from the sofa "Can't we all just stay here?" 

"Oh come on Urine" Oli rolled his eyes "I'm hungover too but i'm still game. Where's your personality gone?" 

"Fine, fine" Jimmy sat up and rubbed his eyes, squinting at us all like we were in direct sunlight "But no more alcohol today, i've had enough. What were you thinking Frank? Did you wanna go tagging?" I just smiled and nodded, waiting for their opinions. 

"Me and Kitty have to go, we've made plans" Chantal picked up her jacket whilst Kitty finished up her coffee, the two of them ready to leave "But you guys have fun." 

"Me and Vic were going to spend some time here, but you're welcome to come back later" Kellin draped an arm around the shorter man's shoulders in an almost protective manner, making me wonder just how hard he'd already fallen for the guy. "Seriously, my parents aren't back until later on and there's still a few beers left over." 

"It's fine, we wouldn't want to intrude on you too" Oli chuckled at the pair, obviously pleased that it was working out, before turning back to me "Looks like it's me, you, Lynz and Jimmy." Jimmy made a grunt of approval as he pulled on his shoes, Chantal handing him a big glass of water to help with his head as he did so.

"That's sounds about right, we wouldn't want too many people anyway" I could already feel my fingers itching to get out there and start painting. To let the spray cans go wild in my hands and just express the things i simply couldn't find words for. After all, there are some things you simply can't describe without art to help.

The emotions were just building up inside on me, and the prospect of letting them out was too tempting to resist. 

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I'm updating before midnight which means i still stuck to my 3-day thingy and i'm proud because I didn't think I was going to meet this in time. 

Anyways, happy MCR day folks, I already celebrate them every day but ya know, might as well make a date in their honour whilst we're at it :)