Eight

"So this church thing is every day?" Jimmy asked as we walked out of school the next day. His hair seemed ever more vibrant that normal, if that was even possible. On anyone else, bright pink hair just wouldn't have worked for a guy their age. They would've no doubt got teased or at least called a fag, but it just matched Jimmy's erratic and crazy personality. No one even seemed to question it, not even the jock-type guys of the year or the semi-popular crowd. 

"Yep. Every fucking day. Right after school. Apparently it'll help me sort my attitude out" I gave a dry chuckle "We'll see about that." 

"That sucks. Is there any way you could bunk off something? Me and Steve are going round Oli's to play videogames and probably piss around, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come but I guess it's not possible." 

"Not today" i didn't add that I really did need to go that day as I felt I needed to clear the air with Gerard "But I don't have to go on Saturdays or Sunday afternoons, so maybe I could come along then?" 

"Sure" He nodded "As long as you can shake your uncle for a few hours then it should be great." 

"Oh don't worry, i'm not going to let him control my life. I'm only going to these church sessions for a bit anyway. Once he calms down a bit i'll start bunking off more. Maybe I can get Gerard to cover for me." 

"Gerard? You're on first names terms with this priest?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Yeah I guess so." 

"Oh, I thought you had to call them the father or something. They don't normally introduce themselves with their first name. Although I guess the church has probably changed since I last attended." 

"He's younger than normal" I shrugged "So I guess he dosen't really mind stuff like that. Anyway, I have to go. See you tomorrow" I was aware that I needed to get a move on, otherwise Gerard might not think I was going to show up. I did not want him phoning James or Isabel to ask where I was or if I was coming. 

"See ya" Jimmy called after me, before heading off in his own direction. I immediately shoved my headphones in and started to blast AFI, the sound of '17 Crimes' filling my ears as I walked at a steady pace. 

It didn't take me long to reach the church. Once again I closed the door behind me and stepped inside, wondering where Gerard was and exactly what I was going to say. It was only now that I was there that I actually wondered what I should say about yesterday. I hoped he'd bring it up first and set the record straight. 

"Hello? Gerard?" I called out, hitching my shoulder bag higher up as I made my way into the main part of the church. He wasn't there, and I heard a muffled call of my name from the direction of his office, so I headed up the stairs, my features breaking out into a grin when i stepped into the room. 

Gerard was standing there with two coffees in his hands and a apologetic smile on his features. 

"I didn't know if you were going to turn up" He held out the coffee "I hoped you would, and I got you a decent coffee too." I took it without saying anything and then had a long gulp before speaking. 

"I'm sorry I over reacted yesterday" I stated, hoping he'd leave it and just move on. I didn't want to go into what he'd said, as even though I knew it was nothing, it still upset me that he didn't have any faith in me either. 

"No I'm sorry, I was an asshole" He sighed "And I mean it when I say I didn't mean it. I was feeling bitter because what you said was true - I didn't give my dream a chance - and so I took it out on you instead of actually listening to what you were saying." 

"Really?" I looked up at him with cautious eyes. 

"Yes really. Why do you find that so hard to believe?" He set down his already-empty cup on the table and crossed his arms, leaning back onto the arm on the sofa as he watched me for my answer. 

"I guess not a lot of people really have much faith in me any more" I mumbled, but he heard my confession loud and clear "Everyone tends to give up on me after a while and just accept that i'm a no-good kid that'll end up on the streets. You don't think it now, but you will eventually, once you truly get to know me." 

"Hey" He reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder, probably because he didn't really know where else he could touch me and it still be appropriate "I know we only met a few days ago, but I do have faith in you Frank. Even if nobody else does, okay?" 

"You do for now" I forced myself to hold his eye contact and not chicken out and stare at my own feet. His eyes seemed to hold me in place, stopping me from moving away from him or even feeling self conscious about the hand on my arm. "But you won't forever." 

"You don't know me well enough to make that judgment. I have faith in you Frank and that's not going to change with time. People who say that you're not going anywhere are wrong - i'm sure you'll make it in the end. It's perfectly normal to feel like you're going nowhere when you're seventeen, but that'll change."

"I wish I could believe you" I sighed "But the way people treated your comic book dream? That's the way people treat my entire life. So sorry if I can't muster up a smile and convince myself that it's all going to be okay." The stress of my future was threatening to overspill by this point. Most people my age seemed to know what career they wanted, or at least a vague idea of the line of work they would enjoy, but I was still stuck spraying walls and searching for inspiration that could never come to me. 

The thought of everyone else moving on and growing up to get jobs and families whilst i was stuck out on the streets with a spray can and the weight of crushed aspirations on my mind was enough to cause my vision to blur. I'd meant to just clear the air with Gerard and then get on with whatever task needed doing, and yet there I was, on the edge of a breakdown just because he felt like the only person I could truly vent to in privacy. 

"Hey" Before I knew what was happening Gerard had wrapped both of his arms around me in a hug "Don't get so upset. I know what it's like to feel like the world is against you, but it really won't help anything if you worry about it." I just made a small sound of agreement in response, too busy getting use to the feeling of him being so close to me. 

It felt like ages since someone had hugged me, and at first it all felt so alien that it took me a moment to hug him back. I wouldn't admit it aloud, but I liked the feeling that it gave me to hug him. The way it made me feel like he wasn't against me, but actually there for me. He smelled good too, and when he pulled away i felt the slight stubble on his chin brush against my cheek. 

"Thanks" I smiled, meaning it "It means a lot that you know how I feel." 

"Anytime" He nodded "Now, is it okay if you help me out with the kitchen? I need to sort out what we're running low on and write down a shopping list to pick up on my way home. You wouldn't believe the amount of tea and coffee we get through in the week." 

"Well, judging by the fact that you have your own machine up here, I think I would" I glanced over at the machine that it seemed only he and the other minister had access too. "Where is the other minister anyway? Father Schetcher, wasn't it?" 

"Oh, Brian's away visiting relatives in Australia this month. He'll be back in three weeks time. Until then, I'm completely and solely in charge." He shrugged as we made our way down the stairs. 

"What's he like?" 

"He's okay. I'm not sure how well the two of you would get on though. He isn't that great with teenagers, and he's pretty good pals with your uncle" I made a face of disgust that had him laughing "I thought that would put you off." 

"That's enough to put anyone off. How are people friends with James? Does he even have an hobbies? What would they do with him?" The image of James going out for coffee or anything less than a suit and tie meal was beyond me. 

"I think they play tennis together or something, I don't know. I don't involve myself with their friendship. James likes me, but he wouldn't want to be friends with me. I think he finds me a bit too... artistic?" 

"I guess anyone vaguely interesting would be too much for him" I followed him into the kitchen "If you don't stick to the rulebook and take everything seriously then he'll look down on you." 

"Well then it's a good job I don't care" Gerard just grinned at me, before turning back to the task at hand. 

The rest of the afternoon spent with Gerard was reasonably uneventful. Neither of us talked about the scene upstairs in which we'd hugged and I'd basically admitted to how shitty I'd been feeling, but I had a feeling that it was on his mind as well as mine. I wondered if the hug had felt good to him too, or wether it had just been an average affair of him comforting a teenage boy in need of someone to trust. 

Either way, we got on pretty well. The mall tasks that needed doing were soon completed, and part of me almost felt reluctant to leave when he turned and said goodbye. He didn't hug me again, but it was a friendly goodbye all the same. 

"I'll see you tomorrow then" I couldn't help but smile.

"Yep, I'll get you a coffee again" He nodded from where he too was pulling on his faded leather jacket, ready to go home.  "And Frank?" 

"Yeah?" I turned from where I stood in the doorway. 

"Don't let your aunt or uncle get to you, okay? I have faith in you, remember?" He seemed to genuine that for once I really did feel like I was the one above everyone else, instead of how it usually felt when everyone looked down on me. 

"Thanks Gerard" I smiled before heading out the door. 

"Are you sure you don't want a lift home?" He called after me "I'm leaving now anyway and it's getting cold out here." 

"Nah, I like the walk. Thanks for the offer though" I called back before exiting the church. It was a very different scene to when I had stormed out the day before, and at this point I actually felt happy. Gerard sparked off something within me, similar to the feeling I got when I was tagging out on the streets. It was this rush of emotions that made me feel alive. 

I wasn't ignorant to the point where I couldn't acknowledge the crush I had on him. It was small, but forming and growing with every moment I spent with him. It was stupid of me to crush on an almost-twenty-two year old priest who was most probably straight (even though his jeans really were tight) and would never look twice at me. 

All the same, I couldn't stop it, only hope that soon my heart would get over itself and start to think more realistically about who we should or shouldn't develop crushes for. 

I tried not to think too hard about our hug as I walked home. Or the way he'd smelled. Or his smile when he laughed at my jokes. I hated how young and foolish I sounded to even want to have a chance with him, and instead focused on when I could start tagging again. I'd have Saturday with Jimmy - maybe I could get some done then? 

I'd have to find a good wall or empty building where nobody would catch me. As much as I loved to ruffle James's feathers, I really didn't want to be in the shit with him for a little while longer. He was still angry about the vodka incident, after all. 

When I stepped inside the house the smell of dinner cooking hit me first, but I wads quickly put off when I realised exactly what those smells included once i broke them down. I made my way into the kitchen, where sure enough Isabel was cooking meat. 

"Um, Isabel?" I asked from the doorway, making her jump slightly as she spun to face me. 

"Oh, hello Frank. How was church?" She pretended to care, although I could see right through her act. What she really wanted to know was wether i'd seen the error in my ways, been converted away from the world of sin and decided to be the perfect nephew. 

"Ok" I shrugged, disappointing her but not caring. "Um, is that meat you're cooking?" 

"Yes, chicken. Why?" She answered blankly, confirming my suspicions that my own mum had told her next to nothing about my living arrangements. Honestly, you'd think if she sent her son to live with her sister then she'd at least remember to mention that I was a vegetarian? Who did she think was going to be cooking my meals? The tooth fairy? 

"Oh, I don't eat meat. Sorry" I grimaced, seeing her try to swallow her anger and fail. 

"What do you mean, you don't eat meat? Why didn't you tell us straight away? Is this just you trying to be difficult and cause us greif?" She stepped away from the oven and threw her hands in the air in dismay. 

"No I just don't eat meat. I've been a vegetarian since I was nine years old" I replied with an eye roll. It probably wasn't my best move, but I was past caring by that stage "And I thought you would've already known." 

"Well I've cooked it now! What am I suppose to do? Just magic a plate of quorn onto the table? It's this or nothing Frank." 

"Fine" I snapped "I'll go get myself a takeaway instead. I'd rather eat out on the streets than with you anyway" And with that I stormed out of the room, ignoring the insults that were no doubt flying after me, and right out of the house, my previously good mood shattered. I picked my bag up on the way out, knowing there was a bit of money thrown in there.

I hated the pair of them with a passion. Ray was okay, but his parents? The mere thought of them made me want to punch a wall. How I was going to stand living with them for much longer was beyond me. 

I didn't really know my way around, so I just headed for town and found a shop selling takeaway Chinese food. I bought some noodles and spring rolls before sitting down on a park bench, the same park me and Jimmy had been in a few days perviously, and ate my food there. 

The park seemed so much more sinister at night. The once pretty bushes were now full of dark, moving shadows. The trees, which had once been full of life, now just looked like their branches were arms, reaching out towards me, claws extended. I'd never particularly liked the dark, and even thought I was only at the edge of the park I knew that I wasn't comfortable. 

I ate my food noisily, pretending not to care as i munched down the prawn crackers and ate mouthful upon mouthful of noodles, not looking too closely every time I thought I saw a shadow dart too quickly. 

Even though it scared me, it also gave me a rush of adrenalin that i always craved so badly. I felt almost high on the feeling of terror, and grabbed a cigarette out of my pocket, lighting it up it a futile attempt to give the place a bit more visibility. 

It wasn't that great compared to tagging, but at least sitting in the park after dark was better than being in that house with my aunt and uncle. I wondered if they were even bothered about where I'd gotten to. They were probably sitting down around the dinner table, pretending like I didn't exist. Well, maybe not Ray, but his parents definitely. 

I glanced down at the bag at my feet, remembering the spray cans inside. 

I was originally planning to go tagging on the weekend, but I was out by this point and it was dark enough that if I pulled my hood up, nobody would be able to recognise me if I was spotted. Plus not many people were really out in the town on a weeknight. 

I threw my bag over my shoulder and headed out of the park, jumping the same fence i'd clambered over to get in in the first place. I didn't want to tag in there just yet - the walls were pretty concealed and I wanted my artwork to be seen first. 

Instead i walked along the near-empty streets, avoiding any drunks or hobos in the process as best I could, until I reached a bridge with a road running underneath it. I scurried underneath, ducking out of the way as one lone car drove past, before standing in front of the inner wall on the left hand side, running my hand over the smooth concrete for a moment before I started, just to get a feel for the scale I would be working on. 

A nearby street lamp gave me enough light to be able to see what I was doing as I got out my spray cans, giving them each a good shake before I started to spray. My work was quick but detailed. I was use to working under tight time schedules so I was done within ten minutes, only having to stop and hide for a car once. 

When I was done I stepped back and smirked at my work, liking the way it had turned out, despite the dim lighting. 

The painting was of a boy sitting in a dog's kennel with a waterbowl that spelled 'yesterday's trash' on it. The boy's face was blank, but there was a definite hard edge to his hazel eyes that I often saw in my own over the past few years. In the background there was a silhouette of a house, with the outline of a perfect family - mother, father, son, daughter - eating happily inside. 

I knew that if James and Isabel saw it, they'd know it was me. But they'd have no way to prove it. Plus, they probably wouldn't even drive this way out of town. It was worth it anyway - I felt so much better to get my emotions out of my system and up for everyone to see, but never truly know the meaning behind. 

I left then, making my way back home feeling like I'd just attended a therapy session. When I went long periods of time without tagging, the agression would just build up inside me until I couldn't take it anymore. 

When I got back, I saw that Isabel had waited up for me. She was sat on the sofa, watching some soap and only seeming to be paying half her attention to it. She sighed when I walked in the door, and immediately turned the TV off. 

"Did you eat?" She asked curtly, not giving away any emotions. I just nodded, not feeling the need to explain myself to her. She hesitated a moment, before standing up and turning to leave. She must have changed her mind at the last minute, because she turned around and said blankly "I'll put quorn on the shopping list." 

Then she turned and headed upstairs, leaving me to smile to myself as I realised she'd given in, and my protest had meant I'd gotten my own way. I waited until she had disappeared into her room before heading upstairs. Although I couldn't be sure, I was pretty sure I saw Ray's light switch off the moment I got upstairs, making me wonder if he'd waited up for me too. 

__________________________________________________________________