TW: Disturbing scenes/informations, Mention of Suicide

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NAPAKURAP ako ng ilang beses bago nakapagsalita. "But, dad... why do I have to go and see her again? I already told you that I'm fine, I do not need a psychologist... again," katwiran ko.

Hindi naman gumana 'yon dahil hindi natinag si daddy. "I know. I heard you say that you are fine. But, please... just pay a visit to Dra. Lesandra. I just want to make sure that you're not keeping it all to yourself again," pamimilit niya pa.

"But, dad–"

"Cerina, just do as your dad say," putol sa 'kin ni mommy. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata kaya hindi na ako nangatwiran pa. "And I heard from the maids that you didn't eat your breakfast yesterday, and you went home without eating anything. Nagkulong ka lang sa kwarto mo at lumabas no'ng madaling araw. Now, tell me again that you are fine," sermon niya.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako dahil hindi ko naman maitatanggi 'yon. "Okay," sagot ko bilang pagsuko.

Pagkatapos kumain ay agad akong nagbihis dahil ihahatid ako ni daddy sa kay Dra. Lesandra. May mangilan-ngilan ring pasyente ang nadaanan namin patungo sa consultation room kung saan naghihintay na ang doktora. Napalunok pa ako at nanginig bigla nang mapadaan sa ward kung saan may isang pasyente ang tila wala sa sarili at may hawak na basag na bote. Sinubukan siyang pakalmahin ng mga nurse, ngunit huli na dahil ginilitan na pala nito ang sariling leeg kanina pa. Nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin nang i-announce ng kadarating lang na doktor na patay na 'yong pasyente.

Pagkarating namin sa consultation room ay bumati lang si daddy sa doktora bago ako iniwan.

"How are you, love?" malumanay na bati sa 'kin ni Dra. Lesandra nang makapasok na ako at makaupo sa couch. Naupo naman ang mabait na doktora sa isa pang upuang katapat ng sa akin.

Binigyan ko siya ng maliit na ngiti. "I'm fine. Mom and dad just won't stop bugging me about seeing you again. I mean... I know they're only worried, but I really am fine."

"I see. Alam kong ipipilit mo lang din sa 'kin na ayos ka lang," nakangiting saad niya habang mag ngiti rin sa mga labi. But unlike mine, her smile looked more genuine.

Napakurap ako, hindi alam kung dudugtungan ang sinabi niya o makikipagtitigan na lang. Sa huli ay nag-iwas lang din ako ng tingin dahil wala akong maisip na sasabihin.

Siguro'y nabasa niya ang iniisip ko base ginawa kong pag-iwas sa nanunuri niyang mga mata kaya siya na ang unang bumasag ng saglit na namayaning katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa. "It's okay, Cerina. I didn't let you in this room to force your thoughts out, or to pressure you into opening up to me. I am only here to listen whenever you're ready to let them all out," paliwanag niya.

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at tumango.

Muli akong nginitian ni Dra. Lesandra at sinabing, "Good. Now... the usual. Say anything that you're comfortable enough to tell me. I'll listen to you and answer your questions if you have some."

"Okay," sagot ko.

"Go on. Whenever you're ready," paniniguro niya.

Umayos ako ng upo at huminga ng malalim. "It was... draining," panimula ko.

Tumango-tango naman si Dra. Lesandra at nginitian ako.

"Okay," I paused for a few seconds before continuing. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, remembering some of the scenes that happened these past few days. "It wasn't long when one of our classmates took her own life by jumping off a building. It was declared a suicide. The girl was frequently bullied by random students. We weren't close, that's why it still buffled me why she smiled at me while falling down that building. It was as if she knew that I'd be carving that smile of hers inside my memory right after she died," I confessed.

My mind automatically played the scene I was discussing with Dra. Lesandra, making it a little harder for me to continue. But I already know the drill inside her consultation room, so I took a deep breath in and let it go. I did that twice until my breathing became steady again.