ᖴᒪᗩSᕼᗷᗩᑕK

I'm aware that my childhood wasn't perfect - it wasn't even near being that. I was criticized for every little mistake I made, although it didn't necessarily even had to be a mistake.

Basically, everything I did was wrong.

I was the reason my parents had lost their jobs when I was little and we had to move, I was the reason our dog had died, although he was really old.

Everything was my fault.

'But they can't punish a child,' you may say.

Well, they did. They would beat me and starve me just because I wasn't in bed by 8 - my favorite show was on TV and I had to stay a little longer and watch it.

But they were good parents, right? Everybody in town loved them because they went to church every Sunday and had adopted a baby girl. They covered up my bruises and cuts with makeup because I must never tell anyone, so where is the proof?

And they were good parents, right?

By the age of 13, I started to feel the consequences of their everyday abuse.

I started feeling nothing, I felt like I was nothing, and the best way to express myself was through art.

The art of self-harm.

Because the only thing they had taught me was how to hurt myself.

I have to admit, though, it was the best thing I could do.

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Carly was driving me home from school and I couldn't help but think - finally. I hated school because everyone is so obsessed with their status and don't let me get started with the bullying.

But also I thought, please, let this car ride last longer.

"Okay, so, do you want to come to my house later?" she asked when we drove off the parking lot.

"I doubt my parents will let me," I said apologetically. I know she hates being home alone, but they will kill me if I leave the house on a school day. That was one of the things I gave up arguing about, it's simply forbidden.

"Just tell them we're doing a school project," she said as she parked the car in front of my house. "Let's see, Biology! We're doing a project on extinct animals!"

I sighed and gave her a small smile. "Fine, I'll text you."

She squealed in excitement and hugged me. "Thank you, thank you!"

"See you later!" I got out of the car and closed the door behind me.

"Bye, Aly!" she waved me and drove off.

I didn't want to get inside the house, my parents had the day off, which wasn't a very good thing for me. It means they are in a mood to watch me do everything wrong and punish me for it.

So I stood there, looking at Carly's car distancing before I climbed over the fence to our backyard. My cowardly self was too scared to walk inside just yet, I had to collect the courage.

I sat on the grass and looked into the deep, dark forest, the one I was told to never go into. You know when you tell a little kid to never watch scary movies, but they watch it just because you've told them not to? That's how I felt with the forest - my parents have restricted me from going in it, but simply because of their words, I feel attracted by it.

I snapped out of my senseless daydreaming and pulled out my phone, plugged the earphones in. I scrolled through my various playlist, searching for one song in specific.

You have to admit there is nothing more beautiful than being in nature while listening to music. My favorite band was currently Pierce the Veil, so I was listening to one of their songs - Hold On 'Till May.

I leaned back on my hands and closed my eyes, enjoying the powerful meaning of the song. Only the lyrics were sad and so heartbreaking, which is why I related to them so much.

'But, Alya, you can't be sorry for yourself. That's selfish and pathetic,' you may say. Well, I have nothing else to say except I agree with you - I am simply worthless.

Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind and forced to go into the house. The wet grass got stuck underneath my nails as the fresh smell followed me.

When I've made it to the living room, I was facing both of my parents and they looked furious.

I put my stuff on the floor and just waited for them to start with the usual complaining.

"It's 6 o'clock right now," dad broke the silence as I looked away. "You were supposed to come home at 4:30."

"You got a 96% on Biology test!" mother exclaimed and slapped my cheek. "Look at us when we're speaking to you!"

I could feel her hand imprinting into my cheek and leaving a massive red mark. I had to hold back the scream and tears because God forbid I cried.

So, I looked up to them with pride and hurt, curving my fists into a ball. I clenched them so tightly, I could feel the skin ripping beneath my nails and staining them with blood.

The only thing I felt right now was shame and disgust.

I was disgusted by myself. How could I be this horrible of a daughter to them? They have accepted me into their homes and I made them ashamed of me.

Dad slapped my other cheek and I lowered my head, hiding behind my hair. "She can't even apologize!" he said to mother in disbelief.

"What did we do wrong while raising her?" she asked him as if I wasn't standing right in front of them.

I closed my eyes as tears dripped on my shirt. I have fucked it all up, again and I will probably keep doing it because I can't seem to do anything else.

Mother pulled me by my hand and led me further into the living room while dad followed us. She stopped and punched my stomach, taking all air out of my lungs. I was on the floor, gripping the carpet in pain.

I couldn't breathe.

"You are worthless!" she yelled, followed by a punch.

"You can't even write a test properly!" a punch.

"You ruined our lives!" a punch.

"You'll ruin everyone's lives!" a punch.

She continued to beat me with her feet as I screamed in pain, not being able to do anything to defend myself.

The screams echoed in my ears until I couldn't even hear the curses and insults. All I heard was the throbbing of my own, agonizing voice.

Soon enough, I felt nothing.

I curled up in a ball and buried my face into my palms. "Your mother and I are going out. You will do your homework and clean the house," dad announced and with that, they left me alone to rot.

Alone with my demons who will eat my lame leftovers. I screamed as loud as I could while tears streamed down my face. My soul needed a release from simply being alive.

Every inch of my body hurt and I couldn't even move without wincing in pain.

I pulled myself together and tried to stand up, but I fell on the floor again.

"Fuck!" I yelled in anger. "I fucked it all up!" I continued as I punched the floor as hard as I could.

As if didn't feel enough pain already.

Now, my body was facing the garden again. Although the moon was already awoken, I slowly crawled to the door and went outside as pain burned every atom of my body.

The first thing that greeted me was the fresh, chilly air. It filled up my lungs and relieved the pain I've felt.

The second thing was the bright, green grass. I went through it with my fingers before I laid on it, hopelessly looking up at the sky.

Everything was blurry and I could barely breathe, but as the world became distant, I heard my lonely, broken voice.

"If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted

And thinking about the past again
Darling, you'll be okay," I sang, hoarseness gripping my throat.

"She said,
'If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore," I continued.

"I'll draw the shades and close the door
I'm not alright and I would rather...'"

Die.

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