The familiarity.

I wanted something different.
I could've decided to go on a plane and reach my destination quicker, but I chose a train. I had never rode a train before and it feels... odd.

It's like a combination of a roller coaster and a car ride, it honestly just depends on how close I pay attention to the movement around me. 

Trains don't make me anxious, which is surprising but reliving knowing i'm in a metal moving box in the middle of a valley of trees that surrounded me.

I felt content that I was unaware where I was because in a way, the pine trees were just as lonely as I was. The trees and I were meant to be looking at each other from a distance for only a couple of seconds.

I guess even trees want to be silently recognized as much as people do.

The square window next to me was oddly not clean but not dirty, I wonder if the cleaners on the train had only done this to my window or if they had done this to all the others. But maybe they knew there would be only one person in this room. But you would think that they would want to be on top of their cleaning duties especially now that summer had begun.

May 29th to be exact.

Even though weather in Pennsylvania was in the low 80's I had to now adjust to a cool 60's and rain during the summer. Abandoning my knowledge of what I know to knowledge I'd like to avoid.

After I had packed all of my belongings from home, my mother had arranged men to come take the furniture, clothing and mementos from my room in accordance with select pieces from around the house I wanted to keep, mostly involving my father.  I told the men before I left to take all of his shirts and photographs. And my father,
well his ashes.
That was it.
The only things being shipped to Storybrooke, Maine. Everything else was sold.

And all I needed to bring with me, physically, was my backpack.

I don't have any special necklace or something secret that my father held to value, mainly because my father was a simple man that didn't prioritize any material object in his life, but myself. Which is why my dad didn't want a funeral, as he stated in his note. He just wanted me to have him and to skip the bullshit of a funeral.

Not because it would be hard for me, but how my father had known how I felt about my mother.

So that is what I am going to focus on now. Me.

"Ma'am?" An attendee said startling me from my thought. "Would you like any food or water from the cart?"

I let out a sigh and laugh, "No thank you, but thank you though."

The attendee gave an awkward laugh, "Seems you were thinking about something really hard."

I shake my head and rest my face in my hand with my arm propped up on the ledge, "If anything you saved me from it, or - my thoughts. Anyways thank you."

The attendee gave a nod insinuating a mutual 'you're welcome' and like clockwork I was looking back out the window.

From what my mother had stated through her texts and phone calls everyone is excited to see me, including my step brother Henry and my moms wife Emma. I like Emma, I don't know much about her but I had met her 10 years ago and that was the last time I had saw her, my mom, Henry, Theo, Storybrooke-

Stop.
Don't do it.
You've prepared for this.
Dr. Roland said that some kids don't gain consciousness and remember what is happening around them up until they are 10 years old.  Therapists must know everything they say or else they wouldn't say say it all. Right?
The only true memories I have from my time in Storybrooke was my room, Theo and then the ma-

The intercom in my room made a loud screeching sound, averting my attention from outside the window to the intercom above my head,
"Next destination Old Orchard Beach, Maine. Destination time 20 minutes."

Fuck.
FUCK.

"Fuck." I muttered to myself as I began to put my belongings back in my backpack. I don't remember taking all of my shit out of my backpack and placing it everywhere on the seats, the floor, the hangers...

Why does chunks of time keep slipping from me?

I put my laptop in first along with my charger and then my notebooks, all of which are empty, but I keep them in there just in case I have a shit ton of things I need to write down. My water bottle, back in the side pocket.

And that's it.
I hadn't used a thing from my backpack.

How much time had I spent looking out the window?

I looked towards my left and saw my black puffy coat hanging on a hook, that I've must've hung it on and put it on, as I can already see it is raining as the cold fog begins to block my view of my scenic view of pine trees.

I patted my black jeans trying to find my phone to text my mom:

I'll be arriving in 20 minutes. See you soon.

2 minutes and 23 seconds went by and then my mom texted back.

Setting things up for party, am not able to pick you up. But someone you know will.

The games had already fucking begun.

————-

As I walked down the train steps, I had looked around trying to find the "someone" I know who was going to pick me up and take me back to my moms place.

I really don't know anyone.
I cant remember anyone.

I held the straps of my backpack in both of my hands and I made my way awkwardly to the train station where the obvious pick up and drop off was.

Maine had smelled just like it did 10 years ago, wet and sad.

"Bella?" A voice had said coming from behind me, "Bella Mills?"

I turn around and face the tall brown-curly haired stranger facing me in a long black coat, khakis and some kind of black sweater. I could see his breath in the cool air, but even his breath couldn't pierce me the way his blue eyes did.
Until I recognized who this man was.

"Theo?" I said laughing and stomping my foot, "Oh my gosh, wow! Look at you! You look.. You look the same!"

Theo laughed taking a step forward, unsure of how to break the 6 foot distance between us, "Ah, Thank you. I'm uh ... 28 now, which would make you 18 now right?"

I nodded my head, "Right."

"Time really flys, wow, a college girl in the Fall,"

Talk about anything but college. He noticed I have no reaction and diverted his attention behind him. Theo motioned his head towards the parking lot behind him, "Are you ready? Do you have everything?"

Get this over with.
"Yes." I say as I begin to walk towards the parking lot.

"Alright, Let's go." He said as he jogged his way next to me.

————

The distance from Old Beach to Storybrooke is a little under a half an hour. And even though, I am drenched from the rain and have only been on the road with Theo for 5 minutes, it still feels like it has already been too long.

I longed to be alone right now more than ever, to go to sleep. The way I settle into new beginnings is by sleeping my anxiety off, which I fear I actually won't be able to do until later tonight.

However, I respected Theo in this very moment of time. Not forming small talk with me or asking me if I'm fine as everyone else has. I assume he knows what happened and it choosing to respect my wishes without knowing them. Or maybe he doesn't. Either way, we weren't talking.

As my thoughts raced, my mind began to focus on the beat of my heart pounding inside my chest. I could feel my heart want to leave my body.  The pounding of my heart does is mainly caused by anxiety, panic. It's been like this since-

The time on the radio read 4:43 p.m. I've been on the train all day since 8, my mind, body and soul was achingly tired and I longed for my lilac room. But instead of my room, I was surrounded by trees, gray clouds and crows.

I glanced over at Theo who's eyes were glued to the road as his long fingers pushed numbers 1-6 on the radio dashboard trying to find a song that appeased him, until he finally found one.

Sign of the Times by Harry Styles.

I scoffed and snorted. I covered my mouth immediately after I realized I had just snorted.
"Oh my God." I said into my hand.

"What?," Theo said looking at me and laughing, "A man can't like uh, tasteful music?"

I shook my head in amazement, "I would've never pegged you in being a Harry Styles fan."

Theo furrowed his brow with a smile on his face, "Harry Styles? Is that who this is?"

My hand dropped back to my lap, but I could still feel my cheeks burning red and my smile being plastered across my face, "How do you not know Harry Styles?"

As Theo lifted his thumbs on the wheel and shrugged his shoulders he stated, "I don't know, I've never met the guy."

I don't know why, but I laughed harder than I should've which made Theo laugh too.  It was just so funny to me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  I'll stop."

"Don't be," Theo looked over at me and met my eyes, "Your laugh is very much adorable."

I gave him a thankful smile and looked out at the road ahead of us to distract myself from how his comment made me feel.
"So, um. Why is my mom throwing a party?"

Unsure what to say, Theo turned down the radio and cleared his throat, "Well, the last time you were here she threw you a party which you hated by the way. So you went to the dining room after dinner and sat down in one of the chairs and that's when I approached you with my brother, whom you probably don't remember, and we convinced you to teach us how to play Candyland."

Dancing around questions seemed to be Theo's fortè at the moment. But perhaps maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Maybe it was a surprise and he didn't want to ruin it so he didn't say another word about it. Either way his eyes were glued to the road as he shifted in his seat, adjusting his body to my question as he answered.

"If I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much of the time I was here last. I remember your face, I remember Henry and I throwing shit on the ground and then some man, I don't know. But that's it." I said clapping my hands together.

Theo glanced over at me, acknowledging that he was still listening to me, "So that's all you remember? That's...That's weird?"

I nodded my head and brushed my hair back behind my ears, "Yeah...," Shoot your shoot, shoot your shot, "Do you remember anything about that weekend? It's okay if you don't, but."

"I remember a certain young lady getting sick after a game of Candyland because she ate nuts, which she is allergic too. You most likely were in bed that weekend Bel, I'm sorry."

Bel come on, hold my hand

That voice. That thought, why can't I connect it together? What is being unlocked?

The crack inside of me felt like it was coming undone, again.

Focus
Focus
Focus

As I came out of my dissociation I looked to my right seeing the "Welcome to Storybrooke" sign. Reading those words made my stomach sink and I don't know why.
I cant fucking remember.

"Theo?" I asked.

Theo's head was in serious thought too. Once I had asked his name he was startled out of his deep thought. Wherever his thought was, "Yes?"

"Is um, or has Storybrooke changed at all since I've been here last?"

Blowing out air from his mouth, "Well um. From what I know the clock works now. But really the only obvious thing that I can see here that has changed is .. you."

I looked down at his comment. I hadn't even thought about how much I've changed since I've last been here. For example, I'm 18 now. My hair is blonde now because I dyed it. I was getting tired of the comments my father was saying of how much I looked like...

What if they judge me?

What if they treat me differently?

Do they know ALL know my mom and I hadn't talked in 3 years? Let alone seen her in 10? Do they know about my dad? Am I alone with my thoughts again?

Henry will protect me. He has to. Henry and I haven't seen each other in years we still managed to keep in contact via Face-time and texting. We bond over books and how mom can be a bitch, but mostly we've seen each other grow up through a screen. Henry of all people is my best friend. The only other male in my life I trusted besides my father.

"Yeah I know, they're going to judge my blonde hair I feel."

Theo stopped at the last red light before we officially entered town and looked over at me.
"You have- Your hair," He said reaching over towards me, but asked for approval to touch me with his eyes and I nodded. He brushed away the loose hairs on my face that seemed to escape from behind my ears and stated, "Blonde or Brunette . Red or Purple. It won't matter. You still will be the most... I just don't think people will judge you, but they might ask questions."

I shook my head as I felt tears forming in my eyes. He knows. "I just don't want to talk about it."

"Then I will make it my duty to cause the most... fucked up and inappropriate distractions to draw the attention away from you onto me. I'll blast what's-its-face, Harry Styles if I have to. It's the least I can do for a friend." Theo said without breaking eye contact with me.

I felt a certain static through our eye bond. As if something had connected us together, but for what I didn't know. I nodded my head looking back at the light that now turned green, "A friend is exactly what I need right now."

Theo looked at the light then back over at me as he put his foot back on the gas pedal, "Then a friend is what you will have."