The times I most wanted to be alone is were when I knew I needed a shoulder to cry on. But all I could do was be angry and hide under the covers, refusing to let myself feel that crushing misery embedded in my ribs, beating to the uneven rhythm of my heart as I shake, barely keeping myself breathing.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't do backstory, it's stupid and I don't have the patience to explain myself to you, or to anyone. My emotions are my own and you can go cry to your momma or your dog or your pillow pet, which I can respect, because there was a time when that was all I wanted to do.

Besides, pillow pets are awesome pillows, although you need a billion of them to prop your head up and get comfortable and build that fortress of pillows under the covers so you can sleep just right. Which is fine. They're all fun and good, even for a twenty-year-old who's too broke to buy gas and a week's worth of ramen, let alone an army of pillows with animal heads and fun colors.

I'm getting off track. Yes, as tempting as it is to just talk about pillow pets and comics and movies and television shows I follow eagerly, that's not why I'm letting myself talk, though Sunny-Bunny-Sunshine would have no shortage of reasons to mock me and my silliness. It's painful to remember them, but I have to, just for now, to forget and move on. I have my whole future in front of me, and some stupid broken relationship from four years ago isn't going to magically climb out of the absolute bull it went into when it crashed and burned vigorously.

Which I understand now. I'm frustrated with myself, for fighting, for not fighting enough, yelling, not being loud enough-!

My regrets are also difficult to explain, but maybe I'll get them all out into words if I have the time.

-----

The first best day of my life in the span of the next two years started on December 12th, 2013, at 4:39 in the morning. School was cancelled that day in my sophomore year. I was beyond relieved that the snow had come in, and my friends were blowing up my phone while I slept, the instant the announcement was emailed out.

I was still restlessly worrying about the art project I had to do by 7:35 that morning.

The blizzard was a hefty one, and I actually made a few dollars shoveling driveways and the like that week, because it was bad enough that we just didn't have to go to school until winter break ended three weeks later, which I was beyond relieved about. Collages took lots of time, and even if I wasn't very good at it, I wanted it to be perfect.

I didn't wake up until a few hours later, because my aunt, bless her, had shut off my alarm clock and my backup alarm on my phone, and made breakfast.

After a few minutes of lounging comfortably in my room, half-awake and content in my inside out pajamas, I shot up from under my covers, something I always did whenever I realized or thought something was wrong. I barely had time to wonder why my alarms hadn't gone off when I saw that it was still somewhat dark outside, what with all the snow and the dark clouds.

My freezing feet welcomed the socks I'd kicked off in my sleep after I dug them out from under all my blankets, and I hurried downstairs and into the kitchen where the fireplace roared across the living room. "Morning, you bum," My cousin teased. "I was afraid the house was going to come down with all your snoring and the snow, and you still wouldn't wake up,"

"School cancelled?"

"You know it! I'm excited. I had a test today but now I'm less likely to fail it!"

Pulling the chocolate milk out of the fridge and two cups from above our heads in the cabinets, I handed him one, pouring lazily, and spilling a bit. "Oh because we both know you're studying on your day off," Paper towels under my toes soaked up most of the sticky sugary mess, and I walked away towards the microwave, popping the glasses in for two minutes.

"Wait until you're a junior. You'll understand, yet youngling,"

"Yeah right," I scoffed, tapping my hands impatiently on the countertop. "You going to go earn gas money?"

"You're funny. I value my limbs and would like to use them in the foreseeable future and beyond,"

"Oh, okay, not like it's easy money,"

"You say that now in front of the logs burning we both slaved away to cut up,"

"But it's worth it, isn't it?"

"You won't last two minutes without me,"

"That's what you think loser," a searing hot cup of milk is shoved in his hand, and I down mine without a second thought, relishing in the feeling of just the heat in my throat, all the way down to my stomach. "Don't come crying to me when you don't have any money for gas anytime soon you bum,"

"Allen!" A stern motherly voice barked. "You will not be sending Denver out by herself! She could get kidnapped!"

"She'd talk them to death and they'd pay us to come get her, Mom," he retorted knowingly. "Where's Dad?"

"Working. They kept him in the hospital overnight and he's dealing with a multitude of idiots in the emergency room, dear,"

"Do you think you'll get called in?"

"Maybe. From the sound of things, this is a really bad storm and a lot of people got stuck outdoors when it hit. Another chunk of the population decided that poor life choices were suddenly fashionable, as always, so there's also that factored into the equation-"

The home phone began to ring, and we both looked at each other. I nodded, and held up ten fingers. He shook his head, and we both watched her pick up the phone. "Morning Jeff,"

I looked at him expectantly and he swore under his breath.

"No, they'll be alright," she said cheerily. "I can take the silver truck and be there in half an hour if I drive carefully. Always. See you soon," putting down the phone, she walked across the room. "I'm heading over to help out. Apparently it's more than just your father and his army of nurses and doctors can take. They called in my boss, who's calling me in too,"

"Okay, Aunt Tessie."

"Sure thing, Mom,"

"Don't let Denver out on her own. And wear lots of layers. Feel free to use the snow plow, and if anyone stuck outside-"

"Mom, we know the drill! We'll be fine. I'm seventeen," Allen grinned.

"Add my brain and common sense and we might actually come out of this alive," I added, feeling fairly good about myself when she laughed. Her laugh is the sort of thing that you want to record in high definition and just keep forever and ever. She's the most incredible person, and I missed her whenever she had to go into work, which was a lot since there weren't a lot of nurses or doctors in this small rural county with one joint police and fire station just by the hospital, mostly covered in horses and cattle, and more kinds of crops than people.

She was still smiling. "I love you two. Be safe,"

"Love you, Mom,"

"Love you too Aunt Tessie!"

And with the squeak of the kitchen door, and a short trudge through the snow, she was gone.

"If you're going to go slave away all day for pocket money, at least eat something,

"Oh, now you're worried about me, now that Mommy's gone off and she won't have anything else to use while gushing about her angel baby boy?" I snickered, and finished the last of my drink as I moved to go back upstairs. "You own me ten bucks!"

"I don't have ten bucks," he whined.