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Stephanie

Autumn Equinox has always been my favourite time of year; the leaves curl into a delicious crunch as I pattered across them, walking aimlessly to the end of the earth.

"I've never had a large physique" I think to myself as I pinch an inch of skin across my abdomen.

Although I've never really cared that much about my appearance unlike the other prissy girls in my classes.

I do what I want, when I want, how I want; with whoever I want.

I've been so abnormally bored out of my brains recently, you honestly have no clue. I mean, yeh maybe I should actually be attending my lectures.

I got into Uni but that doesn't mean I have to go. In that atrium I always find myself horizontally relaxed and exploring cloud nine.

Inventing all the activities I could be getting up to.It's probably mainly due to the fact that the past two months have been so action-packed whilst I was backpacking in the Alpes and exploring the pastures that are still so unknown to me.

It was inceitful, to say the least and I realised how companionship isn't always necessary, only an added spice to a dish of delightful encounters.

I've never really felt compelled to maintain a group of friends; I like my own company, shouldn't one enjoy spending time by themself?

If they ever with him it was either because they were fulfilling the description of their occupations or they were just filling the space in my head.

I didn't need people telling me how to live my life. My parents had let that ship sail a while ago, I was the wavering mast of the their ship that tossed and turned in all directions ; unpredictable mass of atoms.

The thing is I can't even deny it anymore. I just don't really care about anything, especially not myself. I don't have friends, my family don't talk to me, I have no one to have fun with. I don't really have anything to be honest.

It's kinda why I just do anything and everything to feel like I'm living, to remind myself that I'm really here and this is happening right now.

It's really easy to become complacent and just think it's not real, it's all stage and everyone is just telling me lies. When they tell me to take those bloody pills I know their just messing with me. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me from what my own two eyes can see.

Just one puff is all I need to sync my body clock back in normal time with the rest of them; so I can function. None of them really get that I need this inhalation to allow day by day to pass and not escape it's grasp on me.

Trust me I've tried all the adrenaline rushes I can get my hands on but there's nothing quite like the soothing medicines of time.

Once upon a time there was a snowflake named Steph she whirled in the wind following the northern stairs waiting for her chance to explode across the night sky and illuminate the universe in her final fair well that would triumph her admirers.

But Steph the snowflake was caught in a storm and unsure when the turbulence would end, she wanted someone to tell her that if was okay for the snowflake to melt and fade away into the distant memory of those who loved her.

But none of them ever have, it was the thing she longed for the most every trip she spent outside her realm of coolness.

"Oh shit, yeah I almost completely forgot" I buzzed to myself. I needed to check in with my new doc before he starts believing all the rumours that whirled round that hospital concerning me.

I sprinted to the bus stop and hopped on the next one heading towards Chelsea and West Minster, already half an hour late, shit I knew I should of waited for smokes till after the appointment.

But I guess when you need a hit, your hands start wondering into making their own decisions.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the passing windows as I legged it as quickly as I could, although my tar soaked lungs we're not as thriving as they used to be.

I looked like a right state and my heart was already thumping vigorously inside the cavity of my chest.

But as soon as his eyes inhaled my presence I felt as if I was about to go into cardiac arrest. I couldn't breathe.

He's gorgeous.

He was a sight for sore eyes and I could hardly keep mine open.

He looked exhausted just from a glance I was drawn to the purple indentations that were engraved into his youthful skin.

He looked charming and effortlessly attractive. I felt drawn to him even before he started the standard procedure of taking my height and weight.

I wasn't really interested in any of his murmuring, my eyes were glued to the hint of stubble that was waving towards my direction every moment he shook his head in agreement with the nurse.

As he recorded my blood pressure I felt a sudden surge to blank out, it wasn't really a choice.

I realised I stank of fags and it made me feel self conscious for once.

Great first impression Steph. Now he thinks you're a right addy.

Steph the narcotic addict.

This nauseous taste was left in my mouth as I blinked my eyes open.

The constant vibration of silence surrounded the pitch black room; overwhelmingly, I felt as if I was falling through darkness and suddenly I was jolted awake.

I vigorously thrust my head forwards trying to identify my surroundings, but I was unable to; the bedclothes had enclosed me like a straitjacket, with breathing tubes controlling my every inhalation.

I lay still, whilst my tangled mind felt as if it would explode with confusion that swam around in chaos.

Staring into the charcoal of my eyes through the shimmering window, I faded back to sleep.

I felt really disorientated and it took a while for me to catch my bearings completely.

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