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Steph

The day I walked out of that hospital, could possibly be recalled as one of the most liberating days of my life.

Although it may have been a result of my determination at getting Dr Rose a promotion. I've known Guard for too many years to count on my fingers and I knew that sueding that man would come with a price.

His negotiation was concise and simple: carry on with the meds, keep a diary of my moods and visit him once a fort night. "Stay out of trouble, not just for your own sake, but for me." Steph could just imagine Guard's worried eyes examining her for before he'd set her free.

In comparison to the living, breathing straight jacket I'd been stored away in. It didn't really sound that challenging, even for me. I was relieved to be breathing air that hadn't been disinfected to such a degree that on some days, breathing was my main priority.

I've tried to keep off the wagon, looking for other methods to display my addictive personality. It was harder than I had imagined.

I read this saying somewhere in a magazine last year, but ever since then its stood by me. "This diary is my kief, hashish and opium pipe. This is my drug and my vice." I knew that everything I did in the hospital was monitored, so I never dreamt of manning a journal. I just stored it all up there, inside the brain box which usually was vacant.

A downside to victoriously escaping my captivity, was that fact that I was no longer blessed with the image that taunted my dreams.

It was this forbidden love that I felt purring in the pit of my stomach, whenever his eyes were on me. Sometimes I didn't even need his attention, just hearing him utter my initials to the nurses gave me hope that he might have felt something for me.

I impressed myself whenever I was in his company, I would make sly remarks to test his boundaries. Although he usually never rose to my level of immaturity, I noticed that a smile would flicker across his face in amusement.

Obviously, I was trying to impress him. I'd never had the opportunity to feel for someone of the opposite sex in this situation. In fact, I'd never felt much for anyone.

I got a job in the shopping district, I'm a barista. That means I work my ass off serving coffee, to customers who usually complain that my brewing skills are in need of 'refining'. Or in my words; 'you're shit love', they're all just so up their own arses that the pretend to be polite.

As you can tell I work in one of the most prestigious tea rooms in South Kensington. Full of all the loud mouths and their families, who never questioned the bill, even when Steph had to make up their receipts because she's gotten side tracked. She could get used to this.

Full to the brim of rich bastards who like to pinch my button, whenever their wives are looking away for the briefest of moments. Who knew that even the lavish gits like to get a buzz from living up to their stereotype.

I could ramble on about how awful it was being objectified by these lonely old men, but they tipped well, even if it was a bit of a taboo.

I haven't had much attention from anyone in a while, sometimes it's nice to just be recognised as attractive, even by figures you'd rather not see in the light of day.

I'm infatuated with their attention. Inspecting my figure as I parade around the tea room, it makes me feel wanted. Although it's rather perverted of their wandering eyes.

I think that's all I've ever really required from life. To feel needed. To know that someone depends on me to keep themselves sane.

Everything seemed to running smoothly for me, I was getting paid a decent amount,I'd moved into this cheap loft with an old friend. I actually felt for once my life actually might be sorting itself out.

But apparently my interpretation of the situation was a little different to the reality of it all.

I usually overslept for work, but my Boss never really seemed to mind, although I wasn't exactly the best-behaved employee.

However today, I'd overslept by four bloody hours. A tinge of guilt at the back of my mind, made me feel like the Boss wouldn't listen to any pathetic excuse I would try to fumble his way.

I was screwed. The last time I'd majorly cocked up was when I went to work still the mists of the worst hangover I'd ever experienced. I guess being dry for so long meant that I was susceptible to being a light weight all over again. I did complain then but t wasn't really the worst news I'd heard since getting back into civilisation.

A normal person would have woken up and stumbled to get dressed at the rate of knocks. But Steph could see from her Boss's perspective and she knew, that even if she begged him for a third or fourth chance he wouldn't have any of it. She was already pushing his patients.

As she strolled down the steps towards the tube, she decided to buy herself a cup of coffee. That might cheer her up for the briefest of moments. After she gulped down her coffee. she actually felt reasonably awake. They don't call it an expresso for nothing she reminded herself.

Her heightened state of awareness turned out to be helpful, as she bumped shoulders with a man who's eyes were lost in thought or either vigorously inspecting the floors and not the passersby.

She could tell who this unknown face was, without even analysing any of his features, it was his entire mannerism that allured her sense into who this stranger was. The man looked broken, he appeared to be stuck in a world of pure misery. She wondered why?

Steph couldn't contain the grin that washed across her face in recognition of this sullen face that stood a metre away from her own. She could have let the moment pass her by, but there was something about this man she needed to understand, why did he look so defeated.

"Watch where you're going Doctor." She smirked in a surprised chortle.

"Steph, I mean . . . Miss Jones, fancy the chances of bumping into you. How have you been, how's the medication treating you?" Steph was puzzled by the professional aur he still held, even without being in the workplace. He was so dedicated to what he did, she was more than impressed by him.

"I feel so much better, doc. You have no idea, how much I've missed being able to do as I please. I've missed all of it, the traffic, the people, the pollution, the food and even the rude customers I have to deal with on a daily basis. There's nothing quite like living under your own rules, you know?" Steph realised that she had begun to ramble and diverge from the initial question he had posed.

"To answer your question, I feel fine." Dr Rose, didn't reply to her nervous words but just rubbed her shoulder to soothe her agitated state.

"I've got this feeling that everything's gonna work out for you, Steph. You're a fighter and that's why I never stopped believing in you. I'm so happy for you, that you're feeling more yourself. "

"Dr Rose, I don't think I can thank you enough, for everything you did for me. I know I wasn't the most compliant patient, I was probably a real pain in your ass. Sorry for all of that, I guess it probably has done me some good to reflect on everything that's occurred in the last couple of years."

"Call me Mark, Dr Rose just sounds odd when I'm not being harassed by one of my patients," he winked to lighten the mood. "I'm sure you can think of something, how about we got for a bite to eat and you can fill me in on all your living? I was just off to grab some lunch anyways."

Steph liked the sound of that, she was going to get fired Anyways. She might as well enjoy the day before she got her final pay slip and he was daringly handsome, who knows where this could lead to?

She knew that Marks's question was probably rhetorical, the way he looked at her made her question why it had taken her so long to realise that he felt something too.

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― When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years. ―

― Alex Garland ―