"Let's go to the country. It's nice and peaceful there."

"I was thinking more like the big city. New York or Chicago."

Cas shook his head. "No. It's so loud in the city."

"How would you know? You've never been there."

"Because I've seen the movies."

"Ah. Movies. Excellent source of information."

They laid on the bed on their backs, hands folded behind their head, staring up at the ceiling. They were thinking of places to go once Dean turned eighteen. Dean thought big city, while Cas was adamant about the countryside.

"Oh yeah? Well where did you come up with big city? An encyclopedia?"

Dean scoffed at his sarcasm. "No. My mom grew up in the big city, and she always talks about how much she misses it. So I figure, hey, why not?"

"And why did she move here?" He asked out of genuine interest.

"Because she met my dad. She decided that big city life is no way to raise a child. Or two children. So...." He let his sentence hang there, not sure how to finish it.

Cas thought a moment. "Well... I know this is forward of me to ask, but... what if... we started a family? Sometime in the distant future? Just putting it out there I mean you never know. It could happen. Maybe."

Dean had never considered this. What if they did start a family? It was a possibility, of course. Dean never really thought of himself as a father figure, but what if, one day, they went and did it? Adopted a child? This new and unforeseen thought got Dean on edge. Maybe one day he'd want to be a parent. But what if he wasn't good enough?

"I... I never really thought about it. Would I... be a... good dad?"

Cas smiled at his skeptic boyfriend. "Of course you would. The fact that you're so worried is a good sign in itself."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely."

He paused momentarily. "We're not even eighteen yet, what's with the parent talk?"

"You kinda started it."

Dean scoffed, smiling slightly. "Whatever."

They suddenly heard Mary's voice. "Dean? Who are you talking to?" She opened the door, causing both of them to sit up.

"Oh. Mom."

Mary looked confused as to what Cas was doing here. "Castiel? What are you doing here?"

Dean began to explain. "I probably should've ran this by you, but things got a bit... heated. I was hoping Cas could stay here for a bit; his parents know that he's gay. It'll be just for a little while. I hope you don't mind."

She understood the situation. "Oh. Of course. You poor thing. I'll make some breakfast." And with that, she left.

Cas looked over at Dean. "You see? Your mom is awesome."

Dean scoffed. "Just give it a day or so. You'll see."

(A/N: I feel like I'm getting a bit writing blocked again so if some of this feels kinda forced it's because I refuse to be unable to write again so yeah 🙃 writers block is a hellish place to be and I deFY IT.)

They stayed in Dean's room until Mary called them for breakfast. They went into the dining room where the plates were set. There was pancakes and scrambled eggs and bacon, as well as other assorted breakfast foods. It looked amazing.

"This looks great, Mom." Dean smiled, grabbing a handful of bacon.

"Thank you, sweetie. Now where's that lazy brother of yours?" She asked, heading toward Sam's room.

Cas grabbed two pancakes, three strips of bacon, and scooped out a helping of scrambled eggs with the spoon provided. "I don't really like scrambled eggs," Dean said. "The flavor and the texture are kinda iffy. I prefer over easy."

"Have you tried mixing it with jelly or maple syrup? It sounds weird but it's actually pretty good."

Dean looked a bit disgusted at the thought. "Jelly? Maple syrup? What planet are you from?"

"That's what you said when I introduced you to peanut butter and cheese sandwiches, but you love those now."

Dean rolled his eyes at Cas's stupid logic. "Please, stop trying to make sense, that doesn't work on me!"

Cas scoffed, smiling at him. "Whatever. You should try it. I'm telling you, it's amazing."

"Yeah, sure." He paused for a moment. "Woah. Deja vu. That's weird. I get deja vu about the weirdest stuff. Like when I took a math test on Wednesday, or when I was talking with my friend Benny. It happens a lot. And I'm getting deja vu about talking about deja vu. It's a never ending cycle."

Cas chuckled. "You're so weird. I love that about you."

Dean glanced at him and smiled. "Well you're weird too."

Cas put a hand on his shoulder. "Embrace the weird, Dean."

Mary came back with a very disheveled Sam, who clearly just awoke. While she went back to the kitchen, Sam approached the dining table. "Mornin' sunshine!" Dean declared sarcastically.

Sam just glared at him. "Shut up." He looked at Cas. "Oh. Hey Cas. What are you doing here so early?"

Dean realized that Sam didn't know that they were dating. He tried to come up with a reasonable lie. "Hangin' out. That's all. He just... y'know... came over. That's all."

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother. "Okay."

"What? He's just visiting. Okay? Don't worry about it."

Sam grabbed a pancake and some bacon. "Okay."

"Seriously. What's with the third degree here? He's just...." Dean realized what his brother was doing. "You little bastard. Every time."

"Works like a charm doesn't it? Yeah, I kinda know you two are fucking each other."

Dean and Cas both paled. "Sam," Dean growled. "Do you really have to say it like that? How do you even know-"

"I see the way you make eye contact. The way you smile at each other. I've heard you on the phone with him at night, the way you talk. All the subtleties. It's too obvious."

Dean rubbed his face in exasperation. "God, I regret introducing you to Sherlock. But seriously, what does you saying 'okay' over and over got to do with-"

"It's a good way to see if you're lying. For some reason just saying 'okay' makes you really defensive when you're lying. So, yeah. It really is too easy."

Cas held back a smile, stifling his laughter as best he could. Dean was absolutely speechless right now as his brother grinned coyly, knowing he'd won. Cas covered his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing. Dean noticed him. "What's so funny, huh?"

Cas couldn't keep it in anymore. "I'm sorry, but you just got 'rekt' by your little brother."

Dean let out a deep sigh. "Whatever. Can we just eat now?" He muttered as he grabbed the maple syrup, pouring some on his pancakes. He glanced at the scrambled eggs, succumbing to his own curiosity. He put some on his plate, mixing it in with the syrup. He tried it, and experienced a moment of slight surprise. "It's delicious, shut up."

Cas chuckled, eating some of his bacon. This was nice. He wanted to eat breakfast with Dean every morning, pouring maple syrup in each other's scrambled eggs. That sounded kind of dirty, but whatever.

"So, Cas, what happened that made you come here?"

Cas paused for a second. "Um... my mom found out I'm gay. I left before I could hear what my dad had to say."

"Why's that a bad thing?"

"Well, not everyone is that accepting of the gay community."

Sam looked confused. "Why not? It's just guys dating guys and girls dating girls. It's not like they're murdering people."

"People try to make it out to be some big problem. They're just being petty. There are some people who fight for gay rights. Straight allies."

"Well... why can't everyone be straight allies? I swear, society makes no sense. I think they just don't understand the gay community. Maybe if someone explained it to them, they'd start to get it. It's just certain people who like certain genders. It's not that big a deal. Gay, straight, bi, and I think there's more. Like... what's it called? Pot, or pan or something?"

Cas smiled. "It's called pan. I'm actually pan myself."

"What is pan? If you don't mind my asking?"

"Well, a lot of people mistake it for being bi. But the difference is, bi is liking boys and girls, while pan is basically liking everyone no matter what their gender identity. Like transboys and transgirls, and nonbinaries, and genderfluid, gender queer, bigender, the list goes on."

Sam looked confused again. "I've heard of gender identities. Transgender is basically a guy who's actually a girl, right? And the other way around?"

"Yeah. Then nonbinary, and I think agender is another name for it, is when you don't feel like either gender. You're not a boy or a girl, you're just... neither. Genderfluid is when your gender identity fluctuates. It changes from masculine, to feminine, to neither, and to both. I had a friend like that." He stopped as he remembered his online friend. The one who committed suicide.

"I'm guessing bigender means you feel like two genders, right? Since the bi part is there?"

Cas nodded. "Yeah. Then you have demi genders. That's when you feel partially masculine or partially feminine. Like demigirls feel... 75% feminine and 25% masculine. I think that sounds right. That's right, isn't it Dean?" He looked over at Dean, who had a mouthful of maple eggs.

He swallowed, shrugging his shoulders. "I guess. I don't know much about gender identities. All I know is... well, everything you just said." (A/N: I swear to Chuck if anyone makes a dirty joke about the line "he swallowed" I will slap you with a rubber chicken)

"Oh well. You should probably do a bit of research yourself if you wanna know more. I don't know everything either, and I'm not exactly a reliable source."

"Yeah, and Wikipedia definitely is." Dean said sarcastically.

Cas rolled his eyes. "Well if I'm wrong about something I don't want him quoting me on it. I'm no gender connoisseur."

"Well I get that, but what websites are guaranteed fully accurate information?"

"Found one," Sam spoke curtly, using his phone. "I think this'll help. Thanks."

Cas didn't say anything. Now he thought about his late friend, Samandriel. He felt like he could've done something. They were talking before he... or at the time she. She felt feminine at the time, and was biologically male. Her parents didn't know she was genderfluid, and she wanted it to remain that way. Maybe they found out, and that's why she.... He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it. He should've done something. He could've. Should've.

He felt Dean's hand on his shoulder and snapped out of his thoughts. "You okay?" Dean asked.

He nodded briefly. "Yeah. Just... tired," he lied.

"You sure? I mean... you've gone through an awful lot today and it's only eight in the morning."

"I said I'm fine," he replied sharply. He sighed deeply. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

Dean wished Cas was more open. Sure Sam was sitting there, but still. Even when they were alone, he'd clam up when things got tense. They never really talked anymore.

Cas sat there picking at his eggs with his fork. "You gonna eat?" Dean asked him.

"I dunno. Not all that hungry I guess." He murmured.

Dean worried about his boyfriend on a daily basis. There were days that he wouldn't eat, nights that he wouldn't sleep, then there were the really bad days when he would cut. Dean didn't want him to have these days, but he wasn't sure what he could do to help. He was glad he could help Cas throw out the razors, but that was just one step out of many.

He just couldn't take it anymore. He wanted something out of Cas. Something more than "I want to die" and how much he hated himself. It's easy to be negative towards yourself, but he wanted an actual conversation. The only way he could help him is if he got real answers out of him.

He leaned in closer to Cas. "Hey, can we talk?" He whispered. "Y'know, alone?"

Cas paused briefly. "Sure. Yeah."

They went to Dean's bedroom, Dean closing the door behind them. He thought about what he wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it. "Look... I get that you're going through a lot right now, there's a lot on your plate, and it's stressing you out. I get that. But... look I'm not trying to force a conversation out of you, I just want some answers. Y'know? I... I worry about you. Okay? A lot. I've noticed that you don't eat or sleep sometimes. I've seen you at school looking like you've been poisoned. And... I just worry. But you never want to talk."

Cas sighed heavily. "Dean, I... there's nothing to talk about."

"'Nothing to talk about'? Cas, there's a lot to talk about. You... you're depressed. You... I know you don't like to talk about certain things, but you've got to talk about something. I mean, if you don't wanna talk about the personal stuff that's fine, but... gimme something here."

He sighed again, not wanting to talk about anything. "Dean... I really don't want to talk right now."

"You never do. Ever. You bottle up your emotions, and it's not healthy. I... I feel like you don't trust me with your emotions."

"I do trust you."

"Then why don't you ever talk to me?" He began to sound frustrated. "I'm not a mind reader, Cas! If you're not okay, just say it!"

"Dean, please don't get mad-"

"I'm not mad!" He stopped to take a breath. "I'm not mad, I'm just... really confused here. I just want to know how you feel. If you're not okay, I want to make you feel better. Is that so much to ask?"

"I just don't like talking about my feelings. Why don't you understand that?"

"I do, I really do, I don't like to either, but getting the emotions off our chest, getting these things out, it's healthy. It helps to clear our minds. I... I want to know that you're comfortable enough to say that you aren't okay, that you're upset about something."

Cas began to feel frustrated as well. "Fine. You want a feelings talk? We'll have a feelings talk. I'm extremely not okay. I want to cut myself. But I can't because I have no razors. I want to kill myself. But I'm too fucking scared to go that far. I'm about to have an emotional breakdown because I know that my parents will find me and torture me because I'm gay. I'm so broken inside and I can't be fixed. I am immensely pissed off at everyone and everything right now, but if I show any of that, people will just point and laugh." He felt shaky and weak, and there were tears in his eyes, but he kept going. "I hate myself so much, and I hate everyone else too. There. That's what I'm feeling, Dean."

Dean was left speechless. Now he felt bad for ever bringing it up. "I... Cas, I'm-" But Cas stormed out of the room before Dean could say another word.

(A/N: I need to rant for a minute, hope you don't mind or take offense.

So I've noticed that whenever I say something, no matter what it is, people make some sort of reference. Now I love references just as much as the next guy, trust me I make them all the time, but when it reaches the point where I can't say that someone's crying without 15 people going "A SINGLE MAN TEAR", then we have a problem. I'm not trying to say that making a reference, or pointing out a reference someone makes is necessarily a bad thing, I'm just saying that when a line has 17 comments saying the exact same thing, it gets kinda annoying. Like I said, I don't want anyone to take offense, but I just feel strongly about the whole "SINGLE FUCKING MAN TEAR" thing. It's not just the single man tear thing, but it's definitely a prime example. And don't even get me fucking started on Twist And Shout. OH NO I SAID THE FORBIDDEN FUCKING WORDS. Yeah I said the forbidden fucking words, BECAUSE I WASN'T ALL THAT EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT BY THAT FANFIC ANYWAY. YEAH. THATS RIGHT. I SAID IT. I TRIED TO CRY BUT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE IT IN ME. Seriously though, if someone says something like "Wow, aren't these flowers gorgeous?" People go "NO NOT T&S ANYTHING BUT THAT, HOW DARE YOU I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR SOUL WHEN YOU ARRIVE IN HELL". Guys. Newsflash; NOT. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. THING. IS. A. TWIST. AND. SHOUT. R E F E R E N C E. OKAY??

*sighs* sorry I feel like that needed to be said. Keep in mind, you can point out references, but if someone else already made the reference, don't say the exact same thing as they did. That's fair, right?

Sorry if I offended anyone, I just get frustrated when there's this emotional moment in a book and 39 people go "A SINGLE MAN TEAR". You feel?

So yeah I'm gonna make a fanfic out of this. I really like where this is going. I was hesitant at first cuz when I try to turn a one shot into a fanfic, it goes pretty much nowhere. But hopefully this one will be different 🙏🏻

A FOOT CRAMP JUST FUCKING SNUCK UP ON ME JESUS CHRIST HELP ME

So yeah I think that's about it. I'll let you know when the fanfic gets published. It'll be titled "Zero Days Clean".

SHIT I THINK THE OTHER ONES ABOUT TO CRAMP SHITTTT

Anywho,

Peace Off my Mini Marshminions!)