Subsist

/səbˈsist/

verb

maintain or support oneself, especially at a minimal level

It was early that next morning when I was consumed with the familiar feeling of anxiety as though the world was collapsing around me, and in a way, it was. Despite my obvious knowledge of the colony's immense amount of shelters and safety barriers surrounding us, I always found it hard to hear the familiar dropping of bombs.

My mind could still vividly remember the first bombing, how my body had felt as though every muscle would give out until Luke came and saved me. At the time I had no clue that he had felt an attachment to me and that was why he had rescued me as I recalled the way he left me alone the next day and told me to never expect that favor again while I cuddled closer to Riley.

Riley. That young girl followed me everywhere as I stood from mine and Luke's bed with shaky legs from the memory of the last raid that had occurred. Last time I had heard the familiar sound of whistling air shuddering through the sky around the colony had been when Moira, Riley, and I had been out in that forsaken field.

The last time I had heard these noises, a familiar heartbeat was still in the world, but now, only silence filled the void of joy that had been created in the universe by Riley's absence. Although Michael had claimed to want to help me forget about Riley, I caught myself still in the shadow of her ghost as I remembered small moments of her short life.

Therefore, when I heard the first explosion recoil throughout the colony, I was taken back to that moment when I thought Riley had simply gotten down to protect herself as I had told her to. I should have known that those characteristics were never attributed to Riley, but I think it was just my wishful thinking taking over for my realistic instincts.

The aftershock rumbled through the entirety of the colony as I found myself trying to stabilize myself on a cement wall from the waves. Instances of shocks vibrating through the ground of that field were etched permanently in my memory as I found myself almost falling to the cement ground as I had fallen upon the lilacs of the field that day.

Photo frames fell from the wall as I saw the last picture Luke, Riley, and I took together fall from its position on the bedside table. My arm reached out to catch it at the last minute, only allowing the wood frame to hit the cement floor as I protected the glass from shattering. A sigh released from my lips as I felt the welling up tears simmer in the brim of my eyes.

As I sat it down on the floor to avoid another mishap like that, I caught myself dazed at the thought of Riley's smile and eyes staring back at me. Her teeth were showing in that particular picture, reminding me of how she would always state that when you 'show your teeth, you look happier.' I thought her notion was stupid, but now that she was gone, I finally noticed how right she was.

Nevertheless, I broke my trance as I attempted to stand up from the bomb splintering throughout the hallway, knowing that if I didn't then I would be left to die. As I stood from the ground on wobbly legs, I was transported back to that moment when I stood from the bomb explosion, the ringing in my ears and the weakness in my legs as I felt as though I wanted to fall back to the ground.

That was when a scream broke through the silence of the colony and snapped me from my vision; however, as I looked down the hallway and went toward the voice, I could only see the lilac field before me. My legs passed through the flowers that were growing up to my knees as I searched for the source of the screams.

My lungs felt like they were about to collapse as I breathed in the smoke of the colony, remembering how my throat had felt raw from the allergens in the air that day. Fire was bursting out of walls that had been closely hit just as small fires had accumulated around the various areas of weeds in the field.

Children's voices burst from various parts of the colony as I found their voices to be combining together and forming one lone voice: Riley's. I shook my head, knowing that Riley wasn't here; however, as I heard her pleas over and over, I could only think to go and help her despite the obvious need of the other, living, children.

My knees wobbled as I felt heat radiate from all around me due to the multiple fires being put out all around the hallway, but I attributed it to the sun beating down on the centrally located field as I caught myself tripping over my own feet and seeing the concrete for a split second before it returned to the same grass and lilac covered dirt.

Tears sprang into my eyes as I tried to get the vision to stop, knowing exactly how this would end if I did not get a hold of the bitter memory. I mentally beggged my mind not to remind me of the way Riley's organs had been partially showing in her chest cavity while I had tried to stop the bleeding to no avail.

"Melissa!" a young child's voice called out once again, catching me off guard and pulling me from the dream that had been plaguing me the entirety of the bombing. As my head turned, I found a young girl with angled eyes and jet black hair that was cut into a neat bob staring up at me with wide eyes and pleading tears streaming down her apple cheeks.

"Please," she whimpered, looking down to find another injury that was only a bit less than Riley's. While the girl's organs were not showing, the blood seeping from beneath her shirt seemed to suggest that the lacerations were close to revealing them. I found my hands shaking as I approached her sweating figure in that hallway.

When I looked up to see the young girl's olive skin turning pale as Riley's had, I shook my head and began to get work as I had with Riley. I stripped off my jacket quickly, allowing my arms to be exposed to the singing heat of the hallway as I saw multiple groups pass us with nothing more than a look.

I understood that they were simply searching for shelter, but their inability to care for the young girl irked my soul as I tried to bind the wound as best as I could. However, the bleeding didn't cease as she screamed in pain every time I attempted to tighten the jacket to a new extent. Each time a bomb dropped, a familiar sound of screeching left her mouth, much like the sound Riley released when I had first found her in my first bombing experience.

"I'm going to have to get you to the infirmary," I told her, suddenly deciding to give up on my original course of treatment due to my fear of losing the young olive toned girl. She had similarities to Calum; however, I knew her nationality was most likely not like his due to Calum's insistence that he was 'not Asian.'

"But I'll die on the way," the girl protested, holding her arms out as a way to stop me from picking up her weak body. A sigh left my lips as I saw the young girl's intelligence through the innocent facade she displayed in that moment. The young girl was a Brain, and she knew exactly what I was suggesting in that moment, meaning she knew the risks too.

Flashes of Riley's bloodied figure came before my eyes as I struggled to keep my wits about me in spite of these flashbacks occurring quite rapidly. My vision switched from the jet black haired young girl to the hazel eyed brunette that I knew so well. The bloodied body of Riley that was lying in the field under the hot sun was in front of me one moment and then swiftly followed by that young girl's taking its place.

I shook my head, wanting the visions to be gone as I lost my breath a few times due to their similarities and the fact that I may, once again, be responsible for a young child's death. My mind was swirling as I attempted to stand, only to fall the first few times as I was in no shape to be moving about the hallway due to shock.

"Okay, love," I finally stated with a huff following closely after as I thought about my strategy to get the young girl to safety. Standing there with my hands placed firmly upon my hips, I looked around the area to find no one in sight and the red lights of the alarms still fully blasting. The only person I could think to call in that moment was most likely in the bomb shelter, which left me on my own.

"Please hurry," the young girl whispered, her breathing turning ragged as I took more time to think about my options. It had barely been over two minutes since I had arrived to her side, but that time felt like an eternity to both of us as I watched her life disintegrate in front of me. Nothing was more heart plummeting than watching a child fight for their right to live.

An instance of Moira's face flashed in my mind as I recalled her freaking out and joining me in puking all over the ground a few feet from Riley. By that point, Riley was already gone, and the main component in our disgust was the paleness of her skin against the crimson blood still flowing out of her.

Moira's shouts were infecting my brain as I looked at the terrified girl with fear brewing within my gray eyes. The five words Moira had been repeating when we were in that field were the same words I kept repeating to myself as I debated running down to the infirmary and getting the child to the medical care she deserved.

"We don't have a doctor!" Moira's voice repeated in my mind as I shook my head and gripped it tightly. I felt like I was going to explode as I shook from the amount of stress weighing my body down at that point in time. I could take her to the infirmary or leave her here. I could try to save her or kill her by leaving her there.

"We're going to the infirmary," I finally told her as I moved down and placed her arms over my shoulder, trying to carry her petite body as graciously as I could as I knew the type of sustainable damage had likely been done to her. I gritted my teeth as I moved along the hall, flashbacks occurring the whole way.

Riley with the same type of bandaging on her stomach. Riley bleeding out as this girl was. Riley's childish physique lying in a casket. Riley's lilac flower crown adorning her gorgeous brunette locks. Riley's tombstone holding the entirety of her name.

That wouldn't happen to this girl. I was bound and determined for this girl to live out a full life that I wasn't able to provide for Riley. As I made my way through the colony, taking in the slightly broken bits of concrete that occurred due to the previous bombs, I connected them to the first time I had walked through the hall without Riley, the emptiness that had flitted in my chest.

Recognition took over my mind as I looked around at the areas where I had chased Riley into a room due to her undying love for hide and go seek. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the tear in my heart grow a bit wider and my heart become more exposed to the outside elements of the world just as the cut on my leg was.

"Don't worry, we'll make it," I whispered to the hazy eyed girl as she barely nodded, similar to how Riley had done when I was guiding into her final moments. My chest ached in nostalgia as I recalled all of the moments at a second's notice. Here I thought I was getting better, yet I was simply burying my emotions under a layer of contentment.