Trepidation

/ˌtrepəˈdāSH(ə)n/

noun

a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen

Luke's POV

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My heart was beating quickly in my chest as I took in Melissa's body in front of mine. Her skin was going pale, in a way I thought I would never see as she was already pale to an extent that I was unaware of before I met her; however, as she lied before me, I could see her veins becoming more apparent against her translucent skin.

The time passed quickly as I just stared at Melissa's body, the blood seeping quickly from the wound inflicted to her head. Although I couldn't see the bullet, or the insertion point of it for that matter, I knew that a bullet would be the only reason why Melissa was bleeding so profusely while Calum struggled to even sustain her weak blood pressure.

Her eyes had closed the moment I had arrived in her line of vision, but what I did see within them was knowingness and pain. Nothing was more appalling to my being than knowing that she had been expecting something like this to happen to her. While I had been trying to explain and assure her that she would not be hurt, she had been preparing for it.

"Luke!" I heard distantly as I continued staring at the bloodied ground where Melissa had been lying before. Despite the short amount of time between Calum arriving and her being transported, her blood had managed to infect the foliage beneath her enough to leave a visible outline as to where her head had been.

On the right side, where the bullet had been closer to, the outline appeared to be a shade or two darker than the scarlet bedsheets she had insisted upon wanting in our home when we got older. The thought of those plans alone was enough to wreck my body to its breaking point as I leaned closer to the ground in an effort to grasp what was happening.

Again, the voice called for me, coming closer as I continued to stare at the blood smeared foliage on the ground. Tears fell from my eyes as I realized how much I was at fault for all of this. If only I had been a bit more careful or tried to protect her more, maybe she would be alright and maybe she wouldn't have gotten injured in such a brutal way.

"Luke," Moira's voice sighed from behind me as she caught sight of my hunched over frame, her sigh coming out due to my obvious breakdown happening right in front of the spot that Melissa had been shot at; however, as I considered my circumstances, I felt I was reacting in a relatively normal fashion.

"What the fuck were you doing the whole time?!" I screamed, hitting the soiled leaves with my hand as I tried to release all of the anger from my shoulders upon the ground rather than Moira as I knew she wasn't fully responsible. Yet, I was stuck on an island surrounded by all of the conflicting opinions as to who I should be blaming.

On one hand, I could blame Moira and stick with the story that I was currently fulfilling, or I could blame the person who was responsible for placing a bullet through the upper part of Melissa's skull. But I couldn't decide as my brain consistently blamed my own self for leaving the blonde girl without my protection.

Yes, I was aware that I wasn't the all knowing God of the universe, yet when I looked at Melissa's blood leaking body on the ground in front of me, I couldn't help but find myself at fault for not being present to throw my own body in front of hers. I should have been there to protect the one girl that I cared for in life.

"Luke," Moira began speaking, taking another deep breath as her hands came down to help relax the tense muscles within my back for me. Although I did not exactly trust her fully at that moment since she had neglected to save Melissa from that awful outcome, I found her presence to be relaxing and soothing as she was the only person close enough to Lissa to make it seem like she were actually here.

"Even if I knew what to do," she began once again, her own sobs taking over her ability to speak in any way. I understood the way she felt because in that moment, I was stuck back in those moments one year prior when I was thinking of how Melissa could have been dead within the hands of the White Coats.

At that point in my life, I was at my lowest in terms of hope and self worth. I was at my all time low as I tried to gather the information I had about where Melissa was in those moments. However, I could not imagine being present when anything happened to her and not being able to do anything as she bled and withered in pain.

"I wanted to help," she managed out before collapsing into a fit of sobs upon the cold ground of the wooded area outside of the colony. Wordlessly, I wrapped an arm around her body and pulled her closer to me, allowing her to cry for a few minutes in peace before making our way back to the colony.

We didn't sit long in the waiting room as we tried to remain calm and composed- and by we, I mean Calum and myself as Moira had completely given up on not sobbing at all moments. Each time we were passed by a random colonist, my eyes searched them, looking for something off about them that would bring me toward Melissa's assailant.

I dared not to refer to him as a murderer as I refused to believe that some man with a gun would defeat the beauty that I had found within the confines of that laboratory. Melissa was never one to allow someone to scare her into submission as she tried to find every way to look at things as being possible, which was why I refused to believe that she was scared of whoever shot her.

If she had been scared of whoever shot her, she would not have been breathing when we arrived because she would have bled out within the minute of being shot. With her injury being on top of her head, I knew that the ability for her to lose her entire blood volume within a few minutes or hours was entirely possible.

As I thought about the worst that could happen, I shook my head and held it between the expanse of my legs. After a few minutes of that, I grew tired and looked up to find a doctor exiting the surgical center of the infirmary. Despite his removal of his scrub cap, I approached him hurriedly and asked him about Melissa's condition.

The elderly man did not say anything at first, knowing that I would not shut up if he indulged all of my questions. However, when I finally stopped asking half a dozen questions, he became more open and adjusted his slightly nerdy looking glasses. His skin tone was a bit more tan than that Melissa's; nevertheless, he reminded me of her ghostly pale skin that held all of the life within her.

"Luke," he spoke gruffly, holding out his hand to shake as Moira rose from her seat with a stoic look upon her face. Despite Moira's best attempt to be unaffected, she appeared to look as though she were only hanging on by a thread.

"Doctor," I spoke, shaking his hand in response before hearing the ever present sigh that I had managed to memorize within that day. Even though I knew that the news was most likely not positive, I couldn't imagine Melissa being anything but alright; therefore, I chose not to think that he would have anything to manage to say.

"She is quite lucky," he whispered harshly, scratching his scalp as he looked at me with fear in his eyes. He appeared to be looking at the two bodies on either side of mine, almost as if asking if they were trustworthy, to which I nodded quickly. "Whoever did this was inexperienced and trying to kill her." His words were simplistic, yet I had a hard time deciphering them.

My eyebrows furrowed at the thought of someone not being well trained and still possessing a gun and enough magazines to scare the girls into submission and place one through Melissa's skull. However the rebels were getting their guns and magazines, it was going to stop as soon as I found out.

"The only reason she didn't die is due to the velocity of the bullet not being enough to shard her skull and penetrate the brain matter," he spoke softly, looking pointedly at me as if to prove a point that I needed to do something fast about this problem. "And they were not well enough trained to place the bullet between the temples or in the weak spots." That statement sent chills through me.

Had the person been better trained or showed up with a better gun, Melissa would be in the morgue in that moment. I didn't have time to rejoice in Melissa's life as I listened to the last of the doctor's speech as he continued on with the medications she was to take for her recovery.

"Make sure that she recovers well, young man," he said nicely, patting my back as he made his way in the opposite direction of mine and the other two. I nodded slightly as I watched him walk toward his students. My hands shook as I thought of all that could have happened before I looked at Calum with a pointed look.

The tanned boy understood exactly what I was asking as he let out a sigh and nodded his head as well as though he knew what needed to be done but didn't want to actually do it. His arm wrapped around Moira's frame, pulling her toward his frame as they made their way into Melissa's recovery room.

With one last nod over his shoulder, Calum disappeared into the infirmary behind the two white doors. As soon as I saw the pair leave the waiting room, I found myself pacing with my emergency phone being thrown between my hands as a way to decide whether this was the correct decision.

Granted, even the doctor had told me to take extra precautions with Melissa, I found it hard to call the one person I had sent to make everything fall into place as I thought that it would always be just that- a precaution. I never imagined when I told them that they would be creating a safe haven that I would actually have to use it, yet here we were.

"Fuck," I whispered out before flipping the phone open and quickly hitting the number that had been etched in my mind since I had sent one of my best men to complete the mission of securing a cabin in case of an emergency. It wasn't long after the phone began ringing that I heard the person's voice take over the line with a short 'hello.'

"We had an incident," I began the conversation, looking over my shoulder to insure that no one was listening to my conversation. With a quick switch of the lock on the door of the waiting room and check in the bathrooms, I leant against the wall and found myself sighing as everyone else had been throughout the day.

"Are we in operation then?" the voice asked, my chest rumbling in laughter as I thought of the last time I had contacted him with a twinge of bittersweet memories erupted in my mind. It had been so long since we had spoken properly without the code of our words separating our real thoughts from each other.

With one last thought of Melissa, knowing that she would want me in her room when she woke up, I felt my shoulders tense completely at the thought of what I was about to do. A slight shiver ran through my spine as I considered the look on Melissa's face when I told her that she would have to go away to this facility for her own safety.

Running a hand across my face and trying to decide whether this was what I really wanted to do, I found the decision to be more gut wrenching than the decisions I had to make about Riley's funeral. Nevertheless, as I stood there running a hand through my hair and down my face multiple times, I understood what I had to do for Melissa and Moira's safety.

"Yes," I spoke gruffly, feeling a piece of my heart break as I thought of all that was to come since I had just confirmed my decision to send Melissa away to a classified location in order to stay safe. Never before had I thought that this would feel so painful, yet as I stood in the hallway of the waiting room, I caught tears falling onto my cheeks from the tear in my heart.

"How long do you need to get it ready?" I asked, peeking around my shoulder once more as I grew increasingly anxious that some rebel was listening into my conversation. Nothing would have ruined the plan more than a rebel spying and discovering the location of Melissa.

"Give me a month," the soldier responded in a gruff and tired voice. I nodded my head, understanding that he couldn't see me but being too mentally tired to correct myself. Clearly, the person over the phone was feeling the same as me as they held the same mentality.

"I'll see you then Ash," I spoke quickly into the phone before hanging up and making my way to the door to unlock it and walk toward Melissa's room. While I knew it was for the best, the feeling of guilt taking over my body was overwhelming as I realized how much Lissa would hate me when she saw him.

How was I supposed to explain why Ashton, the same man that had unconditionally loved his younger sister, had not been present for the past five and a half months? Better yet, how was I supposed to explain to Melissa why he was not present for the funeral arrangements? And how was I supposed to tell her that the shadow she told me about was actually him watching with teary eyes in the distance?