Disquiet

/disˈkwīət/

noun

feeling of fear or anxiety

"So why are you here?" I asked him, moving away from his grasp once I realized that this meeting would only last as long as I was asleep and knowing my previous hardships with sleeping throughout the night without Luke's body beside mine, this would not last long. He simply shook his head at this statement before staring off into the distance once again.

"Michael," I seethed from in between my teeth. My being was alight with fire as I attempted to search his hidden eyes for a clue as to why he was here. "You said my subconscious had you come," I quoted him and found myself tearing up at the thought of knowing something subconsciously and trying to prepare myself.

"What is it?!" I practically screamed at him as he did not answer my questions, he only sat there with no emotions spelt out upon his face. He knew why he was here; however, it was as though he didn't want to ruin me to the point that he would have to if he told me exactly why I had made him appear to me.

My heart broke at the realization as I stared off into space, not wanting to even look at his features as tears streamed down my face. All I could think of was the thought that I would die. What was I supposed to tell Luke to prepare him for my death? 'Oh, I spoke to the ghost of Michael and he told me I would die.' I did not think that would go well.

However, as I sat beside the tall lad, I found my options of telling Luke narrowing by the second as I tried to imagine the words about to escape Michael's mouth. I blinked multiple times as deep breathes released from my mouth in sync with my fast paced heart beat. While I hated the cards life had dealt me, I never recalled asking to die, yet here I was, thinking that I was about to be told I was going to die soon.

"So how am I supposed to die?" I asked him as the silence between us became palpable. Michael looked over at me with confusion filling his features before he clued in and immediately began taking the thoughts out of my mind.

"That wasn't what I was sent for," he murmured repeatedly as his hand came up to rub my back, obviously remembering that it was one of the only places that had the ability to calm me. "It wasn't about death," he spoke in a wary tone as though that were not the subject of the visit but it was still a possibility that he did not know about as it wasn't his purpose to tell me.

"It was Riley," he spoke in a slow and tender voice, looking over to the young girl who had moved out of the tall grass and into our view. My eyes teared up as I watched her, unsure if I could handle speaking to the young girl without bursting into tears from the interaction.

"What about her?" I asked him immediately, looking back over at him after a few moments of maintaining eye contact of the brunette's figure despite her limited knowledge of the entire situation. It was just like old times when Riley was innocent and we hid all things from her; however, as her time grew shorter, she was exposed to so much horror within this world.

"I was just told to help you let her go," he mumbled under his breath, obviously not wanting me to go off the deep end with his words as he offered up his help before even stating his true purpose. My heart broke a bit as I heard the words fall from his lips, knowing that I was just getting used to the fact that she would no longer be with me.

I didn't know how my whole being would react to being without the young child. Although I had not been as close as I had been in her final moments for long, I thought of my job as a guardian as a serious responsibility, yet here was Michael, telling me that I needed to let go of the brunette girl merely two months after her funeral.

"I don't want to," I spoke up suddenly, taking the blond boy off guard as I stood from my position, heading toward Riley soon after. To my surprise, Michael didn't follow after me and attempt to keep me from Riley; instead he allowed me full access, which made me suddenly regret my decision to approach the girl.

"Lissa!" the child's small voice sounded as she bounded over to me. Her chest was no longer marred with the drying blood from the field or the fancy dress that Luke had picked out for her funeral. She was dressed in her normal attire, a quarter length shirt and jeans as she had flower dust and petals scattered within her hair.

Butterflies erupted in my heart as I bent down to her short frame and allowed her small arms to completely encompass my frame into hers. Tears pricked my eyes as I caught her scent and was immediately entranced into her natural vanilla smell, something I had not been able to duplicate since the last time I kissed her forehead.

"How are you doing princess?" I asked her that question every day when I would see her back when she was living with Luke and I, it only seemed fitting that now when I was seeing her for the first time since burying her, and possibly the last, that I would ask our simple question. Needless to say, she lit up like a child on Christmas Day when I asked her the question.

Judging by the small blush within her cheeks and light filling her eyes, she was seriously enjoying whatever was happening wherever she was. In sharp contrast to the ashen face that had been seen on the day of her funeral, Riley appeared tanned and as though she were completely well in every aspect, which was all I could ask for.

"I am good," she told me with a smile gracing her lips. Her uncorrected crooked teeth peered out from her bottom lip as I smiled at her with an intense amount of love flooding my eyes. "Michael has been taking really good care of me." Her voice sounded chipper as she described the relationship the two had.

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of Riley having someone to talk to besides myself; however, a sharp pain was still present as I felt myself slowly being replaced. While I understood that she could not dwell on the past while I stayed on earth, I just wanted her to remember how loved she was when she was here.

"You know we love you, right?" I asked her, receiving a quick nod from her in response. Shoes were heard approaching from behind and when I looked up, I found Michael staring down at the two of us as I wiped away my tears before Riley could catch on to my thoughts. The brunette simply smiled with happiness written across her face as I stood from my position on the ground.

Michael's hand took hers in his as they began walking toward the sunset in the distance. Pieces of my heart shattered as I watched the two of them walk off on hand in hand. Partially, my heart was experiencing the grief that I had yet to allow to overcome me as I watched Riley completely disappear; however, the rest was pending the disappearance of Michael as I realized this would most likely be our last encounter.

The young girl turned around not even two minutes after leaving me in the spot my feet were plotted in before Michael took her hand. With a small explanation to Michael, she came running back toward me as I found myself collapsing onto my knees before her. Her small hands that still held bits of baby fat encompassed my face as she wiped a few stray tears away.

"Don't miss me too much," she told me in her typical smart ass fashion. I laughed at her statement before nodding and swallowing the large lump covering my windpipe. Although I knew that my promise was a large slap in the face as I would always miss her more that I was supposed to, I felt like it was only customary to agree with her every word before she left me forever.

"Don't you forget about me," I whispered back, another tear falling from my eyes as I poked her chest where I knew her heart to be. She giggled in response to my antics as Michael called after her. With one last wiping of my cheeks, she took off back toward Michael and left me in her dust, kneeling upon the dirt of the field as I caught more tears pouring from my tear ducts.

Before moving far off, she turned back toward me, moving her hand up to blow a small kiss toward me as she would always do when she left me. I moved mine to catch it in response as I would always do. A smile took over her face at my action before she went back to bounding toward Michael.

Michael looked toward me, nodding once as I tried to hold back my sobs for Riley's sake. I waved one last time to the pair before seeing them disappear into the sunset and off into their own paradise while I remained knelt upon the dusty field with overgrown grass and flowers surrounding me.

As I had predicted, my sleep was cut short as I awoke from the vivid dream, feeling sweat cover my body as I bolted straight up in bed with a scream. Within the next few moments, Luke was within the room, looking extremely confused by my appearance in Riley's bed. Soon after he put the pieces together and allowed his eyes to soften.

His eyes took in my image as I still clung to Riley's favorite stuffed bear and tears streamed down my face at a fast pace. Without a question, he moved over to me and rocked me in his grip while whispering sweet saying into my ear. Tears continued to stream down my face as I muttered out gibberish in between sobs.

"She-" My words were cut off by a momentary breath of mine as I tried to reign in my emotions from the flood overcoming me. "She's gone," I finally got out as sobs racked my body to the extreme. There was a point when I thought I would dehydrate; however, when I consider the actual opportunity of dehydrating, I decided that it was a very unrealistic notion.

Meanwhile, Luke was still being supportive with his back rubs and cute sayings being whispered. Nevertheless, when nothing helped to cool my emotions, he picked up my sweaty frame and placed me upon the toilet while he prepared the shower for me.

He explained that he was going to take off my clothes and help me shower; however, I was far too checked out to notice his statements, let alone his hands gripping the sweaty fabric from my skin. Despite my presence, I was of no use to Luke as he washed my entire body and lathered my shampoo in my disgusting hair.

After finishing showering my still body, he moved us from the shower, dressing me in my undergarments and one of his tee shirts with a surprising amount of grace. Although his tears still held tears from seeing me in this state, he was well put together and hiding his emotions very well; however, I found his ability to hide these things from me to deceptive as I was falling apart in front of him.

Without another word, he placed me into bed and kissed my scalp multiple times until I was visibly asleep and he was allowed to resign from his boyfriend duties and once again resume sleeping. However, as the night went on, I was awoken multiple times by the presence of Riley within my mind. Just as I had asked for, she was haunting me and never allowing me to forget her.

But as I realized that this was what I asked for when I had buried the young girl, I registered that this wasn't what I actually wanted.