Dematerialize

/ˌdēməˈtirēəˌlīz/

verb

to become free of physical substance; cease to have material character or qualities

The next few mornings went according to plan, my frame waking up alone in mine and Luke's bed with a note lying next to me. Although the note held a detailed explanation of why Luke was absent every morning, I felt my heart ache in my chest as I realized that something was going on and I wasn't involved in it. Despite all of my reservations, I continued to get better and was finally allowed to walk with exceptions of time constraints as to how long I could be on my feet and a mandatory brace being worn at all times.

However, as the mornings between the present day and the day of my conversation with Ashton grew numerous, the thought of Ashton planning ahead grew greater within the pit of my stomach. Even though I had a feeling of this, I never confronted him and allowed him to take all the space he needed, deciding that I would confront him after this raid when Bob would be killed. Little did I know, that would be too late.

About two weeks after Ashton's arrangements with me, his disappearance became apparent, meaning that he had left over night the day before and obviously never returned. Luke attempted to find him, sending out search parties to the safest parameters of the colony, but they all returned empty handed.

I fought the bile rising in my throat as Luke walked into our room that night, a stressed facial expressions wearing his youthful features. My nose most likely appeared red from the tears streaming down my face all day. The only assumption I could come to was that Bob had gotten Ashton out into the woods and harmed him to the point that he could no longer fight to be on this side of life.

"I promised Ashton something," I whispered that night as Luke and I lied awake in bed. Luke remained silent, most likely knowing exactly what I would say, but I felt the need to own up to my commitment to the hazel eyed boy. "I promised that we would take Riley in if something happened to him." A sigh left his lips as he adjusted his body to be facing me directly.

"Why didn't you ask me?" he asked, not holding any type of malice in his voice at my apparent side stepping of his opinion. I furrowed my eyebrows at this question, understanding why he wanted to know a reason, but not understanding how he was so calm about it.

"I knew you would accept anything having to do with Riley, she is like your little sister," he stated, making a bright smile take over my features in response. A smile lit up Luke's face in response, most likely because he was just happy that I found joy in spite of our current situation with Ashton missing and possible homicide.

"Just," he paused for a moment, running a hand through his hand before rubbing his face in an effort to keep awake in these early hours of the morning. "Why didn't you ask me?" he asked again, sounding a bit offended that I wouldn't want his opinion on taking Riley into our home. "I wouldn't have said no," he whispered reassuringly, but that wasn't the reason why I had neglected to inform of the decision to be made.

"I didn't think-" I stopped for a moment, trying to find a way to reveal my naive tendencies without receiving a lecture from Luke about how unpredictable our lives were. Despite my immense knowledge about this life of freedom being traumatic and in no way predictable, I still attempted to make myself believe that it was.

"I didn't think that he would die this soon," I whispered under my breath, taking in the sound of Luke's heavy breath as though he were internally planning my lecture. "I know that this life isn't exactly normal and anything could happen but-" Luke suddenly cut me off, speaking to me as though I were a child who understood nothing of this world.

"Melissa, haven't you been listening to me this whole time?!" he asked suddenly, bouncing off the bed with anger in his tep as he paced our small room. "This is why I didn't want to marry you at first," he stated with urgency, finally moving to be in front of me on his knees with my hands in his own, thumbs rubbing my knuckles.

"This life isn't able to be foreseen and Ashton knew that," he said with tears invading his eyes. My heart broke at the memory of how close Luke was to Ashton, especially following Michael's death as he was with him more than he was with me on some occasions.

"Ashton was setting up Riley's safety net when he spoke to you, Lissa, and I would have liked to have been a part of it," he stated before turning over with his back facing me once again. "That's all I would have liked," he muttered again before attempting to enter back into his blissful dreams.

"I would have asked you if I had known," I mumbled into his shoulder as I pulled myself closer to him, holding his body as tightly to mine as I could. "You know that, right?" I asked, pulling away from his neck slightly to take in his stony expression.

"I know, but I also know that you don't realize how much of a guessing game life here is," he whispered back. I was taken aback by his statement, but my arms still held me close to him as I resumed my spot in his neck, leaving small kisses in the wake of my lips' movement. "You don't realize how naive you really are to all of this," he stated simply, sleep taking over his voice as he most likely found himself in a state of mind between conscious and not.

"That's why you will just have to remind me," I told him simply, watching as his shoulders moved up and down slowly as though he were trying to shake off the feelings rushing through him at that moment. "Luke?" I asked, nudging his shoulder gently in an attempt to keep him awake. "What is it?" The question came out before my mind could process it, but it appeared as though Luke were expecting it.

"What if I have to leave you?" he whispered as his body finally rolled to face me, revealing his tired blue eyes filled with tears and reddened cheeks covered in tear stains. "What if I die and no one is here to protect you?" he asked solemnly, taking my hand in his and bringing it up to his face as though it would bring some sort of solace.

"I'll manage," I spoke hopefully, trying to ease his nerves; however, that plan failed when he saw the uncertainty laced in my eyes. Luke could read me like a book and it was obvious by the way he was staring at me that he was doing just that right now.

"You would be so scared," he muttered, wiping my hair away from my face and placing it behind my ear as I leant into his touch. "I could never leave you like that," he grimaced with those words, revealing his true fear of this commitment we had entered into a long time ago.

"I don't want you to be like that Melissa," he said as I wiped away his falling tears. My heart clenched at his sentimental words, but at the same time, a feeling of deja vu struck me, taking me back to the time he set me free due to the same complications in his feelings. His eyes held the same type of anguish that they did all of those years ago, but this time, I was strong enough to resist his futile attempt of leaving me.

"You don't get to leave me because of this," I whispered, holding his face steady with my hands as I cupped his cheeks. His hands remained firmly placed on my waist, tugging me closer at certain points as though he felt my body drift away from him.

"I will be okay if you have to go, but if you leave me and I know you could have stayed-" My voice cut off, the thought of him leaving me to fend for myself despite his ability to be there for me becoming too much to grasp. "I don't think I could get over that," I told him honestly, taking in the sparkle that made up most of his blue eyes thanks to the dim light from our bedside table.

"Okay," he whispered gently, tugging me closer to him as he placed his chin onto the top of my head, leaving kisses in my hair every few minutes as he knew I loved the feeling of the delicate touches. "I love you," he stated honestly, filling my heart with massive amounts of butterflies as I replayed the moment of his confession over and over in my mind.

"I love you more," I whispered at an almost inaudible volume, which explained why he fell asleep without fighting with me over who loved the other the most.

It was a few more minutes that night before I fell asleep, but as I grew tired, I began tracing patterns onto Luke's chest while my mind continued to race about how Luke and I, two inexperienced young adults, would raise the young, almost eleven year old, Riley. Certainly we would find a way, but how long would it take for us to find it?

The questions filtered through my mind all throughout the night, even into my sleep, and into the early hours of the morning when we went to gather all of Riley's things from her old room and move them into Ashton's. Although Riley felt sad to leave her room, we knew that with our long hours to come in the next few months, the children's wing was probably not the best place for Riley.

When she walked into Ashton's room, she took in the walls, which were covered in all of Ashton's favorite bands' posters. Going up to each of them, she began telling Luke and I about the history of each, beginning with Green Day and ending with Queen. Somewhere in the middle she began talking about The Beatles and went off on a ten minute tangent concerning Paul and John's solo careers and why she liked John Lennon more than Paul McCartney.

After a few hours of standing at the door or sitting on the bed, Luke and I decided to leave the room and grant Riley with some well deserved privacy; however, as I went to leave, I heard her tiny voice call out for me to stay back. Releasing Luke's hand, I moved back toward Riley and nodded at Luke as a signal that he could go and attend to whatever matters he was needed for.

"Is Ashton really gone?" she asked, her voice still sounding like that tiny seven year old's that I had met when I first arrived. Tears filled my eyes at her maturity during that time and the hardships she had to endure at such a young age. The realization dawned on me as I went through her life the past three years, this was just another step for her, she didn't know how unorthodox this transition truly was.

"We don't know," I told her truthfully, hoping she wouldn't sense my own theory that Bob had murdered her brother. She simply nodded her head, her brown hair filtering around her face as though it were cut specifically to do so. "But for now, you are just going to hang out with Luke and me, alright?" I asked her, receiving another half grin in response.

Deep down, I knew that she already knew what most likely happened to Ashton, but I didn't want to be the one breaking that news to her. I didn't want to be that person. The person that gives her the most deafening news of her life at the tender age of ten.

"Ashton always told me that if something ever happened to him, I would stay with you and Luke," she mumbled, her statement sending shock waves through my body as I realized, for sure, that she knew exactly what I was trying to hide from her. "So, is Ashton dead?" she asked again, her identical hazel eyes staring up at me in a harrowing glance.

By this one glance, I could see so much of Ashton within her. I could envision his strength, hear his voice yelling at troops, see his passion, and recall the way he would always place Riley first as though she was his prized possession. Ashton treated Riley as though she were his princess even though he was not able to give her everything he thought she deserved.

"That's what everyone thinks right now," I told her gently, wrapping my arms around her when I saw the tears form in her eyes. Although she tried to be strong like Ashton, there was so much in life that she was learning right now that Ashton already knew. She couldn't be strong like Ashton right now because at this moment she had to be a kid and experience these emotions.

I found myself crying with her as she buried her frame into mine, finding some sort of solace in my arms that I had never truly experienced before, except with Luke. When I finally had the strength to look up, Riley having cried herself to sleep nearly half an hour before, I found Luke standing by the door with a worn expression on his face.

I placed the sleeping child under her covers and stepped outside the room to speak with Luke, shutting the door on my way out. Luke's hand gripped mine possessively and guided me into our room, scaring me by the force behind his movement as he tried to control his obvious anger.

"They didn't find him," he muttered angrily under his breath as a gasp came from my lips. I knew this was coming, we all did, but when it actually happened, it felt like a load of bricks was weighing me down. Like I was in a sea of water with concrete shoes that drug me to the bottom despite my screams.

"This has to end," I whispered with my broken voice, observing as Luke nodded his head and came closer, taking both of my hands within his.

"It all ends tomorrow," he told me truthfully, the same light in his eyes remaining as I stared up at him with a look of fear plastered upon my face. "I promise, you and Riley will be safe." Although I knew what had to be carried out for him to make that promise a reality, I didn't mind as I thought back to the crying girl in my arms.

I didn't think twice about killing Bob, I wanted it done as soon as possible.