It was her mother at her bedside when Azula awoke from her fever. If there was another word to describe her with, Azula would have used it. Ursa wasn't qualified to be her mother. Not when Azula had lost her real mom back on Earth. The mom that actually got her the help she needed. The mom that didn't just see her as a monster.

"Azula, my darling, you're awake." Ursa spoke in a soft, gentle voice. She hadn't heard that tone in a while. "How are you feeling? Do you want some water?"

Ursa placed an arm around her back to help her sit. Azula simply stared at her blankly. All those years she'd spent pining for Ursa's affection felt worthless. Honestly, Azula didn't want anything to do with that woman. She'd lived through three lifetimes, gained knowledge and wisdom, love and care, and yet her old grudges were as persistent as ever.

"I want to be alone." Azula said. Her voice croaked, as they were the first words she had spoken since coming back to her own body. Mostly because she'd gotten severely ill immediately after it happened. She'd never gotten this sick in all three of her lives combined. But coming back to her nightmarish first family was more than enough reason for her condition.

"But, dear, you haven't eaten in—"

You're not my mother.

Go bother Zuko instead.

I don't want you here.

Azula couldn't think of any words she could say without facing consequences. Azula was tired of consequences. She'd already spent two whole lives repenting. She was tired of the remnants of this life haunting her. She was just tired. That's it.

"I'm tired." Azula heaved. "I'm so tired."

Her eyes widened as she felt tears dripping down her face. Her heart ached. The look on Ursa's face made her feel all sorts of strange emotions. You can't care about me now. Please. I can't do this anymore. It hurts. It hurts so much.

"Azula!" Ursa gasped, her brows knitted together in worry, "Azula, what happened, my love? Where does it hurt? Kiyi...? Kiyi! Call the royal physician!"

THE PAIN OF FACING THE TRUTH

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟   ────────

The week Azula spent ill in her chambers, adjusting to being back, was probably the best week of the palace servants' lives. She'd been an impossible, unruly, and untameable child. Abusing the turtleducks, setting an apple on fire while it was on Mai's head... What had little Azula been thinking? It was no wonder Mai had betrayed her.

For her family, it was a seemingly baffling situation. Her mother, Zuko, Lu Ten, Uncle Iroh, even her father had shown up at her bedside, trying to get her to talk. But after uttering those first few sentences, Azula was spent. There wasn't a single person in the whole palace she wanted to expend her energy on.

They had even arranged for Mai and Ty Lee to be brought into her chambers, hoping to get Azula to talk to her peers, at least. Even Ty Lee and Mai had grown concerned for her — something she hadn't experienced since their trip to Ember Island.

"Hey Azula!" Ty Lee called out, smiling brightly, "Look, I finally figured out how to do a double handspring!"

The little girl performed her acrobatic stunts, finishing off with an award winning smile. She looked at Azula unsurely, waiting for the princess to get up, to push her away out of jealousy, to do anything. But the girl simply stared uncaringly. Even Mai, who had been minimal with her words but clever since childhood, was at a loss for what to do.

"Would you like to practice shooting daggers, your highness?" She suggested it in her raspy voice. "The loser has to put the target on their head."

Azula made a face the girls had never seen her make before. "Is that your idea of fun?" She finally said. "Get out of here."

The girls exchanged looks of relief when Azula finally said something after spending half a day in her chamber. On Ozai's orders, they weren't allowed to leave until they made the Princess speak.

Ozai was as awful a father as always. He didn't bother to walk more than two steps away from the door of Azula's room as he berated Ursa for whatever had happened to her. If Azula had truly been seven years old, hearing her father talk about how she was broken or how he should have known after Zuko that she was also bound to be a disappointment could have truly hurt her. Because she'd known even as a child who she took after and who favoured whom.

Ozai wasn't wrong, though. Her body had healed already, but her mind was gone. If it wasn't bad enough that she'd already been subjected to a horrible end here, her other two lives hadn't been much better.

Azula's three lives were one mistake after the next. After dying miserably as a dethroned princess, she had the opportunity to live a better life, being reborn as one of the two princesses of a ducal family. She'd done everything she could this time around to please her entire family rather than picking and choosing sides. All that had gotten her was a sword in her back and the backs of those who loved her.

Her third life had the most potential. In a world in an era of peace ( if only on the surface ), a strange world where people were divided by the colour of their skin, she was finally born into a family that loved her. It would have been perfect. She could have been happy. But as if Kaal were laughing in her face, for every good thing that happened to her, Azula soon realised something equally terrible was bound to follow.

Avatar: The Last Airbender — branded as a children's cartoon, was filled with heartwarming scenes of a found family. An adventure revolving around a twelve-year-old child fighting the evils of the world with his best friends. Fighting evils like her.

As if the existence of the show alone wasn't enough to take away any peace she felt in that world, Azula was forced to see the world hate her. There were many who defended her for being a child, but far more that recognised her wrongdoings. Worse yet, Azula finally came to terms the fact that they were right. And in the life where she received all the love she'd ever yearned for and more, she couldn't rid herself of self-hatred. How could she live in peace when she realised for the first time that she wasn't just the product of two incompatible people? That she had made all her choices herself? She, like Zuko, had as many chances to reform and every time, she couldn't — no, wouldn't.

Now that she was back again, she still didn't know if she wanted to make changes. She was still as horrible a person, deep down. She would never be as kind as Zuko, or as wise as Iroh. Azula wanted to become a better person, in theory. But being a better person in the Fire Nation — being a better person as the daughter of Ozai — it was a scary thing. If Ozai stopped protecting her, who else would? It surely wouldn't be Ursa.

That wasn't the only reason why Azula was afraid. She was more than capable of pretending to do everything Ozai ordered and then taking sweet, sweet revenge. Azula was more afraid that she would lose herself in her emotions — that she would lose her sense of humanity again. Or worse — Azula was afraid that nothing would change, no matter what she did. Because in all of her three lives, of all the different choices she had made for herself, all of them ended in a sad, bitter death.

The chance to do her first life over again felt more like a curse than a blessing — but one thing was for sure. If people would hate her and drive her to death no matter what she did, then Azula would decide for herself what kind of person she wanted to be. From now on, Azula would live her life how she wanted it, with no expectations from others whatsoever.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

this is more of a reflective chapter where azula is too wrapped up in her thoughts to do anything. she hasn't quite decided what she wants from this second chance yet, she doesn't know what she deserves, she doesn't know how much pain she can endure to be the person she wants to be. the first arc of this fic will follow her through childhood, and show how her fourth life shapes her into becoming who she becomes before the show even begins. im not fully sure how long it will be yet i only have some events planned, but hopefully i'll be more satisfied with the future chapters hehe. thanks for reading! the action/dramatic part starts from the next chapter so stay tuned <3

'the pain of facing that truth' is a lyric from le sserafim's 'good bones'

─── ESME ✦