CHAPTER 7

After weeks of crying inside my room I went out to spend my time with Shay. I promise her, I don't want to broke it.

Naglagay ako ng concealer sa mukha ko, I also wore make up to hide my dark circles.

Angela seems shock when she saw me going downstairs, ilang araw din kasi akong nasa loob lang ng kwarto ko. Nagkasakit pa ako ng ilang araw kaka iyak at walang kain.

"Where are you going?" She curiously asked.

"Orphanage, kailangan kong ipasyal si Shay sa mall. Nangako ako eh"

She smiled and caressed my cheeks slightly. "I'm happy, unti unti ka ng tumatayo sa sarili mong paa"

I smiled slightly and gripped my bag. I need to be strong, after weeks of being alone... naisip ko na, magmo-move on ako. Hindi ko na siya hihintayin, kasi... bakit naman? Ano pa bang magagawa ko? Matatali ka siya sa kapatid ko. Wala na kaming pag-asa.

I went out and get inside my car, namuo ang luha sa mata ko kaya agad ko itong inalis. It's hard to move on but I need to.

I started the engine and drove to the orphanage. I still manage to drive this car, huh? I think I need to buy a new car. This will never help me move on.

I arrived at the orphanage. Dumeretso ako sa silid ni sister Kris para i-paalam si Shay.

"Sister" I said softly.

She smiled at me softly and motioned me to sat. "Anong ginagawa mo rito anak? May kailangan ka ba?"

I smiled and nodded. "Balak ko sanang ipasyal si Shay sa mall, pwede po ba?"

Her smile faded, she looked at me with pity in her eyes. I got confused and asked. "Bakit po? May nangyari po ba?"

"Nicole... wala na si Shay"

Parang hindi gumana ang utak ko ng ilang minuto, hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako.  I shook my head and pinch my waist hoping I'm just in a reverie but I'm wrong. Hindi yun panaginip.

Napatakip ako sa mukha ko at umiyak sa harap ko sister, lumapit siya sa akin at inalo ako.

Ang akala ko... ang akala ko magiging okay ako kahit sandali lang pag dating ko dito, bakit kailangang sumabay pa siya? Isa siyang mabait na bata, she deserve to live longer. Ni hindi man lang niya na enjoy ang mundo.

"A-ano p-pong nangyari? K-kailan pa?" I asked.

"Last week lang, hinihintay ka nga namin nung isang araw dahil hindi ka dumalaw. Hindi ko din alam na wala ka palang alam sa nangyari, ni hindi mo man lang siya nahatid sa huling hantungan niya"

Napa-iyak ako sa narinig, dahil sa pagmumukmok ko ng ilang araw sa kwarto ko ni hindi ko man lang nabisita si Shay. Ni hindi ko natupad ang pangako ko sa kaniya.

Tinanong ko ang lugar kung saan siya inilibing at saka pumunta doon. I squeezed my eyes shut and started to cry, marahan kong hinawakan ang lapida niya.

"Shay Mitchell Nebriaga" Pagbasa ko sa pangalan niya.

Nilagay ko ang bulaklak sa tabi ng lapida niya at saka umupo sa damuhan. Napatitig lang ako sa lapida niya habang lumuluha.

"Sorry... hindi man lang kita napasyal sa mall. Hindi man lang kita nakausap bago ka nawala, hindi man lang kita nasamahan hanggang sa huling hininga mo"

I shut my eyes, nakatungo lang ako habang nakatingin sa lapida niya. Talaga palang may hangganan ang lahat, kahit ang pagmamahal ay may hangganan.

Kaya kailangan nating pahalagahan ang kung ako man ang meron tayo, we need to be contented of what we had. Kasi mawawala rin ang mga yun sa hindi o tamang panahon.

"I didn't saw you at the funeral"

Napaigtad ako sa malalim na boses na nasa likuran ko. Nakita ko ang kuya ni Raine at si Raine, may dala din silang bulaklak at magkahawak kamay.

I smiled but I know it didn't reach my eyes. Madaming nangyari, simula sa panloloko sa akin sa break namin ni Drew hanggang kay Shay. Mahirap ngumiti ng hindi totoo, ang sakit gumawa ng bagay na hindi mo gusto.

"Y-yeah... I was... busy" Napa-iwas ako ng tingin. Hindi naman talaga ako busy, talagang broken hearted lang ako kaya hindi ako nakalabas ng bahay ng ilang araw.

"Hmm... hindi mo man lang siya binisita?"

I felt my heart clench. Nakaka guilty ang magsinungaling lalo na sa harap ng puntod ni Shay.

"I lied... I... was broken actually" I said honestly.

For an unknown reason I felt comfortable talking to him, mukha naman kasi siyang mapagkatiwalaan at masyadong maingat ang boses niya kahit mukha siyang masungit.

"Why ate Nicole? May nangyari po ba?" Raine asked while looking at Shay grave.

"Yeah... just something" It's not just something.

I looked away when I saw how Raine's brother stared at me. His eyes piercing in my soul. Naiilang ako sa klase ng titig niya.

"Uhm... kailangan ko ng umalis. May pupuntahan pa kasi ako" Malumanay kong ani kaya napatingin sa akin si Raine. She pouted her cute lips and nodded.

"Bye ate Nicole, kita tayo ulit"

I pinched her cheeks and bid goodbye to them. Dumeretso ako sa Lindemann, gusto kong makita si Rizmen.

Pagpasok ko ay nakita ko kaagad siyang may sinusukat na babae, client niya ata. Hindi naman ako magtataka kasi ang galing naman talaga ng designs niya lalo na sa mga damit at wedding gowns.

"Wait lang Nics, tapusin ko lang. Upo ka na muna dun"

I just smiled at her and sat. Nilibot ko ang paningin ko sa loob ng boutique at napatitig ako sa isang wedding gown. Tumayo ako saka pinakatitigan ito, simple but elegant. Thinking of Andrew, I knew this was my dream wedding gown. Bakit ba ako pumunta rito at tumingin sa mga to?

"Hey"

Napatingin ako kay Rizmen. She smiled and kissed my cheeks before giving me a glass of juice.

"Ano namang ginagawa mo rito? Wag mong sabihing bibili ka ng wedding gown at ikakasal ka ng patago?" Natawa ako ng bahagya at umiling.

"Uhmm... I just wanted to–"

Hindi ko natuloy ang sasabihin ko ng marinig ko ang pamilyar na boses ng isang lalaki at babae.

Ang sekretarya ni Rizzy ang umasikaso sa kanilang dalawa, Ramen looked at me worriedly but I remained my eyes staring at them. I thought moving on is easy after crying for a whole damn weeks but seeing them again bring back the pain they bought.

"Love, I want this"

Charmee pointed the gown I was looking at earlier. I smiled bitterly, that should be me. I should be the one holding Andrew's hand, I should be the one picking that gown, I should be the one making Andrew smile.

"Okay, we'll take the same design" Andrew said softly.

Ang akala ko ba mahal niya ako? Bakit ingat na ingat siya sa kapatid ko? Siguro nga mali lang ako, siguro pinaglalaruan niya lang ako. Kitang kita ko naman eh.

Rizmen's secretary assisted them. Namuo ang luha ko pero agad ko itong inalis, I looked at Rizzy who keep on staring me with pity in her eyes. She shouldn't be.

"I-i need to go, b-babalik na lang ako"

She was hesitated but she just nodded her head and smiled at me.

Andrew saw me going out the boutique, I looked at him and saw how his eyes filled with tiredness. Hindi ko na kaya pang makita siya kaya tumalikod na ako, ayokong umiyak sa harapan niya.

NAPATITIG ako sa mukha ko, kaharap ko ang salamin at naka-ayos ako. It's been weeks since I broke up with Andrew. It's their wedding day... I got an invitation. I wasn't planning to attend but I think I need to, I wasn't be able to move on baka maghihintay ako sa wala.

I just want to hurt myself, gusto kong makita sila para magising na ako at itigil na talaga. Sabihin man niyang maghintay ako ay hindi ko na gagawin, kapag nag oo siya sa harap ng panginoon.

I just wore a simple dress, nilugay ko lang ang buhok ko at nag make up ng light bago umalis. I started the engine of my new car, buti na lang talaga at may budget pa ako.

Angela tried to stop me from attending the wedding but I just can't. I want to see them, gusto kong makita na talagang wala na para hindi ka ako umasa pa.

When I arrived at the church I squeezed my eyes shut, controlling my emotions. I need to be strong, no matter how hard it is I need to face the reality. That Andrew will never be mine.

I sighed deeply before going out the car, my hands were trembling and I think I can't step any longer. Wala pa ang bride pero nakahanda na ang lahat, wala akong planong magpakita sa kanila. Peeking is enough.

Nanginginig man ay narating ko ang loob ng simbahan, pumwesto ako sa pinaka gilid at sa pinaka likuran habang nakatayo. I saw how they panicked when Charmee arrived, I smiled bitterly. This was my dream wedding, sa simbahan na to ako nangarap maikasal ang desenyo ay parehang pareha sa naiisip ko noon na sinabi ko kay Andrew. Ginawa niya ba to dahil mahal niya ako? Dahil gusto niyang yung pinangarap kong kasal ang mangyayari sa kasal niya? O ginawa niya to dahil gusto niya akong saktan?

The wedding started and I was just looking at Andrew who seems not to be enjoying the day, his face is blank and stoic. He was roaming his eyes and when he met my eyes he stared at me. I saw how his bestfriend whispered to him, Paul looked at me and smiled sadly.

Sabay kaming lahat napatingin kay Charmee ng bumukas ang pintuan. And as what I dreamt of, she was wearing my dream wedding gown. My dream belo, lahat ng gamit sa kaniya ay pinangarap ko. Ano bang ginagawa ni Andrew?

I smiled bitterly when I saw how dad eyes glitens while looking at Charmee. The wedding was wonderful, siguro sa ibang tao masasabi nilang napaka perpekto ng kasalan pero hindi nila alam na hindi naman sila totoong nagmamahalan.

Charmee stared at Andrew while Andrew was looking at her emotionlessly. It was like he really doesn't want to marry her, just like what he said.

I lowered my head and blinked numerous times to stop my tears when dad kissed Charmee's forehead lovingly before giving her hand to Drew.

Ang luhang pinipigilan ko ay pumatak ng pumatak ng nagsimula ang seremonya. Matinding pagpipigil ang ginawa ko para hindi humagulgol at mapalakas ang iyak, may mga nakapansin sa akin pero akala siguro nila masaya lang ako dahil naikasal na silang dalawa.

Kapag... hindi sasagot si Andrew, tatanggapin ko na ulit siya. Pero kung gagawin niya, hindi na ako maghihintay pa. Magmo-move on ako at kakalimutan siya.

The priest asked Andrew is he take Charmee as her wife, I was waiting for his answer. I was hoping he would say no and run towards me when our eyes met again but my world shattered when he say 'I do'.

Tears from tears fall from my eyes. I bit my lower lip to refrain myself from sobbing when Andrew lowered his head to kiss Charmee and when their lips touched I slowly took my step out of the church.

I was staring at them while taking my step. It was just a peck but it already break my heart into pieces.

They all congratulate them and Charmee was happy about it but Drew's eyes still locked into me. His lips slightly parted and pain written all over his face.

I smiled sadly at him and mouthed 'Congratulation' before going out the church.

As I entered the car my breath becomes uneven. My chest is clenching and I keep on sobbing. I cried all my tears until my eyes felt sore.

Napatingin ako sa simbahan at napagtantong wala na palang tao, ang tagal ko palang umiyak.

Nasayang lahat ng oras na nilaan naming dalawa sa isa't isa dahil sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Yung pinangarap kong kasal ay nangyari sa kanila. Yung sakit na dulot nun ay hindi ko maipaliwanag.

I started the engine and drove my car to my house. I packed all my things immediately when I entered my room.

Just like what Angela said, I need to give myself a lot of time and love. I need to enjoy the life without him. I was lucky to have a life, May mga taong gustong mabuhay pero hindi magawa dahil malapit na talaga silang mamatay kaya nagpapasalamat parin ako na buhay ako.

Hahanapin ko ang buhay na kailangan ko, ang buhay na magpapasaya sa akin. Kung kailangan umalis ako sa lugar na to ay gagawin ko mahanap lang ang kaligayahan ko.

After packing I went out and drove my car to Viens house, we'll have a drinking session but I refuse not to. I need to say goodbye, baka patayin nila akong lahat.

"Hey"

Rizmen hugged me as I entered Vien's house. I bit the side on my cheeks inside my mouth when I felt my eyes watered.

Umupo ako sa harap nila at saka ngumiti. "Pahatid ako?" I asked them.

Si Angela ang unang tumayo sa kanila. They all looked serious while looking at me, hindi ko naman sila masisisi. Nakita nila kung paano ako umiyak ng ilang araw sa loob ng kwarto ko, sila ang naging sandalan ko.

"Saan ka pupunta?" Andy asked.

"Sa... Bora muna ako, gusto kong maglaan ng oras para sa sarili ko. I also want to move on, tama na muna ang sakit"

They all nodded before getting their things.

"Sa private beach ka ba nina Lara? Kaunti lang ang mga tao dun, tahimik"

May plano din ako na doon mag stay, it was part of Bora but its private. Lara owns the beach, only wealthy people can enter that.

"Oo"

Sina Andy, Rizzy, Vien, Angela at Angelie ang naghatid sa akin. Nawili na kasi ang iba sa pag-inom kaya nagpa-iwan na lang.

This is my plan, after attending their wedding I'll move on. Hindi ko na siya hihintayin pa, I'm not good in that.

Nakarating kami sa airport ng nasa oras lang, twenty minutes na lang flight ko na. They all looked at me seriously. I know they're worried, but they shouldn't be. I can handle myself.

"Ingat"

Ngumiti ako sa kanila at kumapit ng mahigpit sa maleta na dala ko, unti unti akong humakbang paatras at palayo sa kanila.

I bid goodbye to them and started to walk away, I felt my tears pooling my eyes and it began to fall.

Iiwan ko muna ang buhay ko para makalimutan siya, sila. I'll make myself better, after moving on I'll came back. Hindi na ako maghihintay sa kaniya kahit sinabi pa niya, I won't do the same mistake again.

Maybe I can heal from this. Maybe I can heal from the pain Drew caused me.... but I know... I won't be able to unlove him. Not in a lifetime.