Alliar

Okay. I'm ready.

No matter how many times I repeated those words, my hands still trembled at my sides. Everything was going to change - everything was already changing. And it scared me.

I watched with keen eyes as two kings shared a meaningful look and a simple nod of acknowledgement. Things were changing in deed. Once enemies, separated by hateful grudges and a blood feud beyond their own years. Now, they were allies, nursing a fragile peace that was younger than any babe in either kingdom.

My brother looked like a man today. I wasn't sure when he had grown up so much - perhaps while I was away fighting for survival. He was dashing in his blue tunic trimmed with green and gold, a ceremonial board sword was sheathed at his side. The old thing had become symbolic in a war older than many of the books in the library. It hadn't seen battle in generations. I wonder if the iron was rusted and blunt as it sat covered in leather and gold.

Opposite him, Jonathan stood in impending fury. He wasn't comfortable with the treaty, the situation, the people around him, or even his own decision as he signed the declaration of peace and free trade. I had cornered him. Forced him to do something he resented - make peace with his enemies - and put aside the hate that had permanently lived in his cold frozen cursed heart for as long as he could remember.

And for what?

For me.

He was going to try. For the love he had for me, for the child I carried, and for the future we might one day have.

The future. I still struggled to picture it. Would we sit down by the river of Rohan with a plater of cheeses and meats while we watched our child learn to walk through the tall grass, a little unsteady on her feet. She would fall and cry and Jonathan would chuckle as he left my side and strode towards her red, puffy face dry of her fake tears. 'That's enough of that' he would say as he took her in his arms and kissed her cheek. She would wrap her arms around him and continue to pout, as stubborn as her ancestors.

With a deep breath, I let the future slip my mind. Leaving a sad, hollow hole in its wake.

No.

My future was not destined to be like that. I knew, even now as my stomach clenched and the urge to throw up my breakfast was prominent, that was never going to be my future. And staring at the men that now made up my life, was only confirmation. There would be no flowers and no picnics by the river.

I didn't know what the future held for me, what the fates had designed for me, but a part of me knew even then, it would not end well for any of us.

But still, I held onto that part, the part of me that wished, that hoped. The girl who sat through the night reading adventures by candlelight, the part that dreamed.

Jonathan turned away and strode towards me. Powerful steps, confident strides. His face was a mask of stern grace and power.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as my necklace seemed to burn against my skin where it hung between my breasts. The cool metal now biting into my skin.

"Say your goodbyes." Jonathan's voice was stern and deep as he briefly brushed against my side, his hand lingering on my waist. A command, not a request.

I scowled at him, an almost animalistic growl slipped from me as I rejected the order. "In my own time."

He rolled his eyes, unimpressed but he didn't protest as he stepped aside giving me a clear path to my brothers, waiting with open arms.

I shot one last glare over my shoulder at the man I was bound too hoping he could feel the stare burning hot holes in his back. We still had a long way to go, to assemble some sort of relationship out of the scraps of what we had left. The trust, hanging by a thread after I had run from him, after I had left him and the life he wanted to build with me. The love that was still so new that I had no idea of how to react. And our haunting past that I didn't doubt would continue to haunt us like an unyielding shadow through our years.

I all but ran into Tristan's waiting arms and buried my face into his chest. He rested his cheek against my forehead and hugged me so tightly that the air became tight and an effort in my lungs. But I didn't protest, I only hugged him tighter.

I didn't want to think about what laid ahead, whether this would be the last time I ever hugged my brother, or if the next time I saw him, we would be two very different people linked only by their blood and past and nothing more. I could almost feel the bonds of family tightening, begging me not to go, to stay with them.

I almost gave in.

Almost listened to that little voice screaming at me. But instead I uncoiled my arms from around Tristan and pulled back, my eyes burning from the tears building there.

I tried to speak. To tell him everything and nothing all at once. But as I opened my mouth, my throat went taut, tightening so that only a miserable sob escaped me. I love you. Be safe. Write to me often. I wanted to say, and so much more. Tears fell free now, my self control gone.

"Hush", He smiled as his hands cupped my face and his thumbs brushed away my tears. "You'll be seeing a lot of me, so much that you'll be sick of me."

I laughed, a sad choked sound that made my body ripple with a tremor.

"I'll visit you soon. Stay out of trouble." He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering there as he fought his own emotions. Tristan stepped back, holding me at arms length before letting one hand drop. Arthur immediately took up the space Tristan had once occupied. My older brother wasn't nearly as gentle as he pulled me into an embrace that threatened to crush my spine in two. He lifted me off my feet and spun me ever so slightly. "If you ever need me, you just send word and I'll be there." He whispered in my ear and I could feel as his attention drifted to the figure standing a few feet behind me. "And if you ever need a certain King to take a tumble out of a window or accidentally go missing, you just nod, okay?"

I didn't choke on my laughter this time as I pulled back and surveyed my half brother's hateful stare holding Jonathan's own. But I knew, in those brown eyes blazing like a summer storm, that he meant every word that he'd said. He would end Jonathan's life if I only said the word. And I knew I should have scolded him, should have told him not to say such things. But instead I only smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"I'll miss you." I whispered and stepped out of his arms. The air around me suddenly cold and empty without them.

"I'll see you soon." A promise.

I nodded, unable to find the words.

There will be no goodbyes today.

I turned slowly, from my brothers, my family, my home. My heart heavy like it was suddenly made of led as I left them behind in the warm sun and light breeze. I could still smell the sea breeze in the distance. When I faced Jonathan, I let myself picture that beautiful future again. I heard the laughter of our child in my ears and felt the whisper of the long grass tickling my skin. My steps became lighter and my necklace warmed over my heart. My chest aching with a heavy weight.

Jonathan gave me a simple nod as I reached him, his arm wrapping around my waist in a territorial statement. She's mine.

I climbed into the carriage awaiting us and fisted my hands in my skirts. 'I would not look back' I told myself. I would not look back.

But I did.

And that hollow ache in my chest started once again.

I prayed it didn't grow.

The carriage was simple. The inside covered in brown leather and smooth wood with beautiful flowers painted around the door and window. I traced a green vine that leaped onto the window ledge with my finger. It was a beautiful design. If I could start my life over, I would have tried harder to learn to paint instead of throwing the ink at the wall during a tantrum.

My stomach growled.

I placed my hand on my stomach, feeling as the baby moved slightly. I prayed he or she was nothing like me. I was a terrible child. Stubborn and hateful and went out of my way to cause trouble. I turned to Jonathan. I pray your not like your father either.

I sighed as I moved to cross my right leg over my left, my body leaning fully into Jonathan's side as my head rested heavily on his shoulder. It had barely been an hour and already I was bored, tired and hungry. Always so hungry.

"Do we have any food?"

Jonathan seemed to almost jump, as if he had forgotten I was still awake and resting beside him. He turned his attention back to inside the carriage - no longer surveying the scenery. At least he was no longer staring at the road or glaring at the four guards accompanying us to the boarder of the two territories. "You can't seriously be hungry already."

"I am. Didn't they give us any food for the trip?" My heart sank at the idea of no food. They had too. It was going to be a weeks travel, maybe two or more if the winter snows had taken a hold. I began to panic. I'd have to go hunting for bunny rabbits and learn to skin and cook the cute little fury creatures -

"Of course they gave us food but not enough for you eat every hour, we need to make it last until we make it to Rohan. If the snows have traveled too far South then our trip will be delayed and we'll have to ration it" Ever the practical warmongering King evaluating with lethal precision.

I narrowed my eyes. "But I'm hungry now."

He rolled his eyes. "Your like a sullen child."

I hit his shoulder. "I'm eating for two, if I want a damn apple then I'll have a damn apple." The glare I have him could have melted ice.

Jonathan only smiled. "Is this what I can expect from that mouth of yours now?"

I raised my brows. "Are you going to threaten to cut out my tongue for old times sake?"

Jonathan chuckled, amusement I'd rarely seen before twinkled in his eyes, hips curled up into a rare smile. "No I don't think I will."

"Good, because it was getting old and I no longer believed it." I returned the smile.

"I'll of other ways of getting you to shut up."

"You could always give me food. I can't talk with my mouth full."

Jonathan's head turned to me the, his brows upraised as he called my bullshit.

"Let me reword, I will talk less."

He rolled his eyes and fished out an apple from the small bag at his feet. "But nothing else until we stop for the night, understood."

"So bossy." I smiled as I reached for the apple. Jonathan's quick reflexes pulled the apple out of my reach. I rolled my eyes. "I'm sorry, can I have the apple?"

There was a moments pause.

"Please?"

"Gods forbid, if you don't have manners then how will the baby learn them?" He spoke as he gave me the apple.

"You don't use them either!" I took a large bite of the apple. Sweet fresh juices coated my tongue as the flesh crunched between my teeth. Food was amazing.

My stomach rumbled in agreement.

"Yeah but I'm King. I don't need too."

I kept to my word and talked less once given food. Although, mostly it was due to how difficult it was to talk with a too large a bite of apple in my mouth.

"Thank you, by the way." Jonathan broke the short silence.

I choked on my apple.

Jonathan's hand reached up and rubbed my back as I struggled to swallow. "Did you just say thank you?"

"If you make a big deal of it I will stop."

"No no." I cleared my throat and threw my apple core out the window. Let the bugs finish it off. "Please continue."

With a deep breath, Jonathan went on. "Thank you for coming back with me. I don't understand how difficult it was for you - I don't have siblings. But it looked like it pained you to leave."

I was silent for a moment before I spoke. "It was hard. I have so many fond memories there and my siblings have always been my rock. Always there for me when I needed them. So yes it was painful to leave them. But I don't belong there anymore. Not truely. I think that reason alone makes it bearable."

Jonathan nodded carefully as he thought through his next words. "Maybe you belong somewhere else? Maybe you can make some more fond memories else where?" His words were somewhat disjointed as if he were struggling to put the sentence together.

I grabbed his hand and laced his fingers with mine. Jonathan watched our interlaced hands. "I hope so."

I leaned in kissed his cheek.

The horses came to a sudden halt that jared the carriage making me almost fall forward, off my seat. Jonathan's hands grabbed my arms to keep me from falling. In a swift movement he pulled a dagger out of a pocket fold hidden in his clothes. "Get down" he told me as he whirled around to face the sounds approaching, his body tense, his eyes assessing. The lethal killing calm stretched over us as we waited.

"There's been a change of plans." A voice echoed, familiar and strong. I relaxed as Arthur approached the carriage window. Jonathan only tensed more, ready to pounce should my brother make the wrong move.

Arthur's eyes met mine and suddenly that hole in my heart ripped open as he said the words that tore my soul from my body and filled it with nothing but rage and emptiness. "Kaya's dead."

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