Allair

I hated mud. Hated it more than anything else in this god forsaken place. Hated it more than I despised being a captive, more than I hated Jonathan, more than I hated myself, and more than I hated my stupid lessons when I was princess with power.

It stuck to everything. My clothes, my skin, my hair. The thick clumps of mud embedded themselves underneath my nails and sent a shiver up spine. My clothes were damp from the misty rain, although, I wasn't sure what was rain and what was sweat anymore.

And the forest. I hated that too.

I remembered running through these same woods as a child. My brothers would chase me, Tristan pushing me into trees trying to cheat as we raced back to the castle. He hated to lose, and didn't care when I tripped on a rock and fell. My knees and hands bloodied as I landed on rocks and sharp twigs. I would bite my lip hard, tasting the bitterness of blood on tongue while I tried not to cry. Still a small sob would escape me. I was never good at schooling my emotions, at hiding the hurt. I would sit there for a few minutes before I looked around. I always expected someone to come running, to save me from my cuts and bruise. Someone to pick me up from the ground, dust off the mud and blood and carry me back to the castle, to wrap me in silk and furs and kiss my forehead in the same loving way my mother would.

But when I looked up, I would see nothing but trees.

And mud.

Gods, why is it always mud?

Sometimes, if I sat there long enough, I would see a few wild rabbits pass me by. A deer or even a few crows coming to see if I was still alive.

Sooner or later, I would pull myself to my feet, cringing as my cuts stung and my tears dried on my cheeks. I walked a few steps, leaving behind blood stained leaves. And somewhere in the woods, I would see Arthur leaning against a tree, arms crossed and looking rather bored. He was younger then, his face dancing with freckles and his hair unkempt. He smelt heavily of the stables and horses.

Took you long enough. He would say as he unfolded himself from the tree.

Why didn't you come for me? I would ask, pouting and annoyed with my brothers. How dare they leave me behind?! I would stomp pass them, anger building within me and rattling my bones. My mother always said I got that anger from my father, but I had seen her throw a large pot of hot water at my step-father before, so I never quite believed her.

Arthur would fall into step behind me - always behind me. Because Princess, sometimes when you're down, covered in blood and lying in mud. Help never comes. A Princess should be able to pick herself back up, because the world will not.

They were wise words, only back then I thought Arthur was just being mean. You'll always be there. I would tell him with an eye roll. It was stupid in my opinion, to be arguing about something that would never come to pass. My brothers were always there to pick me back up - even if they were hiding behind trees, waiting. I knew that if I waited long enough they would come. Even Tristan who made me trip in the first place.

Not always Princess.

His words echoed in my mind as I once again tried to brush the mud from my cheek. Not always. How right he was. I had fallen so many times in the past few months. My body was tired and mind was unclear. But even now, as I walked through the woods, I still looked behind every tree. I still listened to for bird calls Tristan would make as he imitated the animals. I was still looking for my brothers, waiting for them to wrap me in their cloaks and brush the mud from my face.

I was still waiting for someone to save me.

But all I found was mud, tress, and leaves.

And of course Jonathan.

He walked a few paces ahead, his shoulders tense and his hair damp from the misty rain. It had been a long week since we last spoke a word to each other. A week since his hands had wrapped around my neck and threatened to crushed the life out of me. A week since I had pulled a dagger on myself and told him to kill me.

Kill me. It was a beg, a plea. A prayer.

My feet stuck in the mud and I fell. Out of habit, I looked around, checking the trees for the flash of my brother's faces.

Not always Princess.

"Some of the time would be nice." I muttered as I once again pulled myself from the mud. It was getting harder each time.

Kill me.

The words replayed in my mind over and over again.

Kill me.

My brothers would be ashamed. I had given up in that moment. My weakness had overcome me. I was not a princess in that moment, not the strong girl who would pull herself muddy and bloody from the ground and raced home, still holding onto the hope of winning the race against my brother.

I took a deep breath and pushed my chin up higher. It was a useless attempt, but at least I was still trying. Maybe that was all I needed to do, try until I tricked myself into thinking I was still worth something, until I convinced myself that I could save myself a few times more.

Jonathan kept a brisk pace ahead, oblivious to my struggles to keep up.

We hadn't spoken much since we left the inn. I didn't know what to say, and he didn't attempt to quell the ever growing silence. I was struggling to read his mood once again and a part of me was scared to talk - I didn't want to risk giving him another excuse to wrap his hands around my throat.

I didn't question him when we checked out of the inn. I had wanted to protest. It was cold outside in woods as the winter up north slowly crept down the western coast. Although my family home never frosted over like I've experienced in the North these past months, it was still hit with light snows that kept children in their family huts huddled by a dying fire.

It also didn't help that my legs ached from all the walking. What I wouldn't give for a nights rest somewhere dry and warm.

Jonathan paused up ahead. He crouched down and studied the ground. He was a good hunter, able to see which tracks were frequented by game and where to find the driest patch of dirt to sleep on that night. But he was in unfamiliar territory. The all-too-familiar pines of the North were now a rarity, instead replaced but the thick oaks and red gum with their bare branches.

We were on my turf now.

We ventured off the main road, waking the unmarked game tracks through the dense forrest. Although Jonathan kept us on a Northern track, we kept having to divert because of travelling parties and suspicious groups of men that sent a chill down my spine. Now, a traveling curious pushed us further West than Jonathan was comfortable with. He was on edge. His fits clenched and unclenched to stop the trembling of his twitching hands, and he made a habit of rubbing the back of his neck and through his hair.

Still, the silence grew cold between us. Stretching out and thick with the building tension.

What would I say to him? What would he say in return?

I imagined myself breaking the silence many times. And every time, my words trembled showing my weakness. And every time, I imagined Jonathan's response. Silence. Or at best, a mumbled ah ha.

The sky had turned purple as the sunset approached. Freshly fallen leaves crunched under foot and my stomach rumbled. It had been a day and a half since I had eaten anything, and even that was a gamey rabbit that was silently over cooked - not that I complained of course.

I stopped walking to stretch out my back. It ached with all the walking.

A loud crunch echoed through the forrest.

I narrowed my eyes and watched Jonathan's footsteps, coming to a cold realisation.

"Will you shut up." Jonathan spun around, eyes narrowed and brows frowned. Anger was clear on his face. "I can hear your heavy footsteps from here."

They were the first words he had said to me in a week. The first words since he stopped me from running myself through with the dagger.

"That wasn't me." Unlike how I imagined my first words to Jonathan, these were even and clear. My voice was low and sure as I looked around, searching for the source of the noise.

Another loud crunch of leaves sent Jonathan and I scrambling for coverage.

"Get down." He shushed me and all but threw me to the floor. I landed in the mud once again, only this time I was glad for it.

We heard them before we saw them. The clang of metal, the crunch of leaves and twigs underfoot.

Hiding behind a bush, we used the thicket to shield ourselves. We peeked out through the leaves to see a company of noise pass through the clearing to the left of where we were standing only moments ago.

"I'm going to throw up." I whispered, mainly to myself.

"Don't you dare." Jonathan threatened as he repositioned himself. He reached his head over the thicket of the bush and stared out at the company of guards. I felt my stomach turn and positioned myself on my side. "I swear if you throw up, I'm going to gut you like a - "

I never found out what he was going to gut me like. I lost yesterdays lunch all over the muddy floor. Jonathan jumped into action at my side as the guards turned their attention towards us. I didn't register what was happening. My head spun as the blood rushed through my body.

When I came back to reality, I was on the wrong end of a sword. The sharp, freshly polished point of the blade hovered above my throat as I stretched out on the ground. Jonathan was being pushed into the ground, his face in the mud and his hands twisted behind his back. Guards pinned him down.

"What's your business here?" A man spoke with a hoarse voice. Red hair was slick with sweat and an untrimmed beard made him look older than I remembered. Lord Tannous was wearing the house colours, silver armour with a blue hunters bow on the breast plate. A blue sash across his chest, stretching from his right shoulder to his left hip, marked him as the captain of the company. He had been promoted since I last saw him. Good, I thought. I always like him.

"We're travellers from the North, wanted to escape the winter snows." Jonathan's voice was muffled as the guards pushed him further into the ground. He put on an accent, hardening his r's.

"Liar," one of the guards pressed. He was young by the sounds of his voice.

More guards drew their swords.

Jonathan's eyes widened as he realised his predicament.

We were going to die.

And it was going to be at the hands of my own house hold guard.

Think. I pleaded with myself.

"Victor Tannous."

The sword at my throat hesitated. "You know me, girl?" His brows frowned in confusion. I could see his eyes darted around my face as he took in my details, trying to place me.

Jonathan struggled against his captors.

"You used to drag me from the forrest when I was a little girl." I kept eye contact with him, ignoring the others around me. "When I would run away from my lessons, you would have to drag me back to the castle."

Lord Tannous blinked a few times as he studied my features. The colour of my eyes, the flush of my cheeks and the bone structure hidden behind my muddy skin.

"Alliar?"

I smiled, tears springing in my eyes. "Yes." I tried not to nod with the sword still against my throat.

Tannous dropped his sword in an instant, throwing it to the floor before dropping to his knees. "Princess, I am so sorry." He bowed, dipping his chin to his chest looking almost ashamed.

I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, embracing him in a familiar hug. The familiarity of the embrace, the smell and feel of someone from my past made my heart swell and ache.

I was finally here.

I was home.

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Hello everyone.

I know it's been a while since I've updated and I am sorry for that. But a lot has been happening in my life. As some of you know, I am in my last few months of my university course and I received one bad result on one stupid test making my high grade average dropped just below what I need to get into my honours degree. And so as you can guess, I had a spiral of emotions and few break downs and anger tantrums ahah. So, I still have no idea what I am doing with the rest of my life and will probably lose my mind a few more times as my course comes to an end but for the moment I'm trying not to think about it. I am also in the process of painting an entire house and moving in, all the while trying to get through exams. So busy time!

Anyways... I will be starting to write more often so that's a plus.

On a lighter note, I have planned out the ending!! Haha I hope you enjoy it ;) but don't worry the end is still a long way off.

Thank you all for staying with me.

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