[ Trigger warning. Don't read this if easily triggered ]
I faked a smile while I sat down beside Blaine. Soon, a conversation between Dad, Finn & Blaine about the football match last sunday started. Which was good, they didn't pay much attention to me. I looked at the delicious-looking pasta, and took a small amount. They wouldn't notice me not eating it.
I sat there, listening to them talking. Rachel and Carol about prom, apparently she was helping Brittany to organise it. Normally, I would have cared. But, I just couldn't. It was like I could sleep any second, I had to fight my eyelids to keep myself awake.
I looked at the food.
Don't eat it, Kurt.
I didn't.

The evening went by like lightning.
I could barely remember it when I was in bed, with Blaine's arms tightly surrounding me. It was a blur.
He was asleep. I just couldn't.
I looked at the clock. 02:56 am. I had been laying here, thinking for almost 4 hours.
I wanted to sleep, but in my head, I was going crazy.
Well, if I wasn't able to sleep, it's better if I do something.
I carefully tried to get out of the sheets, luckily not waking Blaine up & sat down on the chair covered in clothes.
I stood up again, realising how messy my room was. And the thoughts came again.
You're such a mess, Kurt. Even your room is.
I picked up the clothes, almost tripping over my bag because of the dark, and put them in the wardrobe silently, so Blaine shouldn't wake up.

"What are you even doing, Kurt? It's 4 in the morning!", Blaine said with that groggy I-just-woke-up-voice.
You idiot.
"I'm so sorry! Did I wake you up?", I said, feeling guilty.
"No, no...", he said.
Yes, you did, Kurt.
"What are you doing?", Blaine said groggily, but laughing.
"Umm...", is it normal to clean you room at 4 am? No. "I couldn't sleep so...", I didn't want to lie. Not anymore this endless day. "I started cleaning my room. It was way too messy", I said. It didn't sound like something I'd do. Blaine looked at me with that weird face, that I just couldn't read.
Normally, I was good at reading faces, but Blaine was that closed book. I never really knew what he was about to say, do or what he felt. I just understood him. It was frustrating, but I guess that's one of the reasons I love him.
Too bad he doesn't love you back.
"Kurt?", he said worryingly. I must have zoned out for a moment. "Lay down the pile of clothes, come here and sleep!", I looked from my messy room to Blaine. I put the clothes in the wardrobe, and was about to pick up the next pile when I felt Blaine grab my arm. "I'm serious, you really need to sleep! Do you actually think that I don't see anything? You've looked like a zombie this whole week! And this is what you've been doing? Cleaning?", he said with a little smile, but still a worrying, almost angry, look in his eyes. I panicked. What was I supposed to say?!
You're not hiding it enough! He's seen what you've done, Kurt.

The truth is, I don't remember what I've been doing. It's a complete blur. Like this evening. I just woke up the next day, not in my bed and sometimes worse, with new cuts on my wrists. I tried so hard to remember - but it was just the voices & the misery I was. A blur.
And when I sleep, anything could happen. I could have a nightmare.

"I just couldn't sleep, okay? I tried to be productive instead of looking at the ceiling doing nothing", I lied. Okay, half lied. He smiled and mumbled something. Suddenly he took my hand and dragged me onto the bed, giggling as he was tickling me. I laughed, trying to get him off me.
"Now, sleep", he stopped and kissed my forehead gently.

I'll try, I thought, for you.

"Love you", he said, wrapping his arms around me, looking right in my eyes & started to sing some kind of lullaby. I recognised it and tried to hum with him, but the tiredness took over & soon I was trapped in the calm darkness where anything could happen.

He looked at me.
"Freak!", he shouted. He had seen my cuts. "FREAK!", Blaine cried again. And soon, the whole glee club joined, one after one.
"Kurt, you're such a freak!", Santana yelled.
"You're so disgusting! FREAK!", Artie said, looking at me with pure hatred.
"Why do you even exist? Go and kill yourself!", shouted Mercedes.
The tears just kept on rolling down my cheeks. I knew that. That I was a freak. I've always known that.
"And you're my brother, you piece of shit! I don't want you near me!", cried Finn angry. That hurt.
"You've got no place in this glee club anymore, freak", mr Shue said.
That hurt even more. I was crying, shaking and every word they said felt like someone punched me.
Suddenly Dad & Carole stood in front of me.
"Get away from me, you disgusting thing. We don't want you anymore!", Dad said, taking his arm around Carole, looking at me with disgust.
Soon they all joined in.
"Freak!", they shouted, over and over again. Blaine shouted the loudest of them all.
"FREAK!"
"KURT!"
"KURT?"
"Kurt?"
"Kurt?! Wake up!"
My eyes flickered open when I felt Blaine shaking me desperately.
He looked at me, scared & worried.
My pyjamas had stuck to my back because of the sweat. My cheeks were wet because of the tears, still rolling down them like a waterfall, not planning to stop. I let out a sob.
All the things they said will be true if you don't hide it enough.
"Kurt! Look at me!", Blaine said calmly. "It was only a dream. A nightmare. Nothing real"
It will be.
To my fear, he grabbed my wrist as I was trying to sit up.
"Just breath", he said "You've got nothing to worry about", he gently pulled my sweaty hair out of my eyes.

Get up, Kurt.
I tried, and he stopped me. I stared at him in the angriest way I could. But I couldn't hide the panicky way I looked from one side of the room, to the other.
"Please Kurt, just lay down & breath", said Blaine desperately.
He knew something was wrong. So I did it. For him.
No voices, no thoughts. I did it for him.
He smiled in relief. He must have thought that I was crazy. Who freaks out like that, over a dream?
You.
And they were back.
Blaine put his hands around me as he lied down beside me.

After laying there for a while, talking about everything & anything. Maybe an hour, I tried to get up. Blaine grabbed my wrist.

"You sure you don't wanna talk about the dream? Might help", he said.
"Yeah", I said, petrified, begging him inside to let go of my arm. "I'm definitely sure", I added. He let go of it. I sighed in relief as I started walking to the bathroom. I needed to do something there.

"Oh, and Kurt?", he said when I stood in the doorway. Please, no more questions.
"Yeah?"
You've got no time for this, Kurt.
"Still up for going shopping today?, he said, smiling. I was about to say yes, when I got interrupted.
There will be crowds.
They'll look at you with pure disgust.
You'll feel claustrophobic.
You will panic.
In front of Blaine.
You can't go.
There will be crowds...
"Sorry, I can't", I said, panicking just by the thought of the mall. People. Too many people. "I've got a lot of homework to do... And stuff", I said in a desperate way to find something I could get away with easily.
"Oh, yeah, me too actually!", said Blaine, still happy. "Tomorrow, then?", he asked.
Well, I couldn't let another one down. That wasn't me.
And, there were less people at the mall on a Sunday. Something, at least.
"Sure!", I beamed, fake smiling and walking out of the room.

You're so fake. Who wants a fake as a boyfriend?
I locked the bathroom door.
But, you want me to be fake-, I thought, but got interrupted straight away.
No one wants a fake.

And the first cut appeared on my left arm.

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Hi everyone & happy Easter!
Yas! I updated!😏 It's a long one though, but don't get used to it😛 Sometimes I'm just a bit more creative than other times😅

It's about three days into the Easter holidays and I've already caught a cold😑 Yay, celebrating the fact that I turned 14 and enjoying Easter with a cold...

Anyways, I got time to write this & I'll probably have time to write more!💕

Thank you so much for the support on the last chapter! It made my day❤️

Don't forget to vote and leave feedback & have a lovely day!🎈
Love,
C